Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Cheap is Cheap (04/05/59)

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ahpcheapis12An AHP Christmas episode.  Unlike TZ, I expect AHP to stick to its charter and give me a watchable episode.

Alexander Gifford is coming home with no Christmas bonus.  He is just sick thinking about “the 4% it could have accumulated in the bank over the next few years.”  I am just sick thinking of the .00001% my money is getting.

After a good gag with a newspaper, the parsimonious Alexander chides his wife for leaving a light on.  He sees a gift on the table and wishes his wife a happy birthday.  He didn’t forget — he reminds her, “What about our understanding?  Didn’t we agree a long time ago that it wasn’t necessary to demonstrate our affection for one another by the extravagant exchange of unnecessary items?”  I can think of another way affection will not be demonstrated that night.

Jennifer got the gift for herself.  “Don’t, worry.  I’m not getting anything for you,”  she zings him in a pitch-perfect retort.  She then horrifies Alexander by sitting down to eat a nice steak while serving him “stewed soup meat.”  Hey, wait a minute, he remembers, her birthday was 2 months ago.

ahpcheapis20She explains today is her new birthday.  While cleaning the closet, she found hidden bank books showing a balance of $33,000 [1].  He explains that is for their old age.  She calls him a cheap, miserly, penny-pinching, money-grabbing . . .”  She can’t say asshole on TV, so she asks for a divorce.  Alexander is stunned. He thinks, “That would be a terrible thing.  I didn’t want to part with Jennifer . . . not in this community-property state.”  So he decides to kill her — Ho ho ho, AHP rules!

Alexander recruits a hitman.  The hitman tells him to go see his friend Arthur who will sell him some poison.  The Chemist has just the thing — a perfume that when dabbed behind each year goes pshhhhh.  I can’t figure out what this means.  He prides himself on his poisons being undetectable, but he makes a sound like this eats right through the skin into her brain.  Anyway, at $600 the price is a little steep for Alexander.

Alexander gets the better (i.e. cheaper) idea of giving his wife food-poisoning.  Since he can’t wait for Chipotle to be created, he visits a young scientist at the university and manages to steal some botulism by drawing it into his fountain pen.  He applies it to a ham in their refrigerator, then claims not to be hungry at dinner.

ahpcheapis28That night, Jennifer’s eyes roll back in her head and she keels over dead. Well, not quite.  Arthur calls the doctor who finds she is in very bad shape, but still alive.  The doctors says if she makes it through the night, she has a small chance to recover.  Not one to take risks, Alexander smothers her with a HOME SWEET HOME pillow.

The bad news keeps coming for Alexander.  The doctor tells him a funeral will cost $160.  Disgusted that Jennifer is still squandering his money even in death, he donates her body to medical science.  He counts up a cool $75 as he walks out the door of State University Medical School.

What the hell — they had the perfect ending and they uncharacteristically bungled it! Alexander had gotten the botulism sample at the university.  There was even BEAT TECH graffiti on the blackboard [3].  He could have disposed of the body properly for $160, but the cheap bastard handed her body over to the same institution where he purloined the poison in his Parker pen.  That same young scientist should have taught an autopsy class and discovered the botulism matched the strain in his lab.[2]  Thus Alexander’s cheapness would have been his undoing.

ahpcheapis34This was such a good episode that the last minute fumble is not a deal-breaker.  The performances are uniformly great.  Dennis Day as Alexander was believably prim and parsimonious.  Alice Backes was almost too good as Jennifer.  She had a sly delivery, an interest-ing angular beauty and a smile that cut through the jokes.  She could have been the standard AHP cookie-cutter shrewish wife, but turned the part into a real person.  The thugs were appropriately menacing and even kind of textured characters.  Their mugs sold the menace, but their deeds and manners showed more depth.  The chemist was a dead-ringer for Bunsen Honeydew, and you can’t go wrong with that.

The script was also a winner.  There were actual jokes, not just a reveal followed by a jaunty musical stinger.  All in almost all, a most wonderful time-slot of the year.

Post-Post:

  • [1] $270k in 2016 dollars.
  • [2] As always, Alfred Hitchcock assures us in the epilogue that Alexander was caught.  He still never makes the connection to the university, though.
  • [3] Home of the world renowned VISITORS.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.
  • Title Analysis:  OK, we get it — he’s cheap.  I don’t really get the title.
  • A rare bit of 1950’s meta:  The hitman refers to the famous Lamb to the Slaughter episode of AHP which is, naturally, unavailable on Hulu.
  • OK, not really a Christmas episode, but it was mentioned.

Twilight Zone – Night of the Meek / But Can She Type? / The Star (12/20/85)

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Kind of a half-assed ending to the year.  I was tempted to end the month with a picture of something that bugged me at Barnes & Noble.  Given the seasonal nature of 2/3 of this episode, though, I had to end the year with it:

Night of the Meek

Skipped due to general mawkishness of TV Christmas episodes.

Classic TZ Legacy:  Remake of a 1960 episode which I also didn’t watch.

The Secretary

A secretary is transported to a world where secretaries are revered as Masters of the Universe.  Or is it Mistresses of the Universe?  No, that would have been much better.

One-joke piece notable only for the presence of a pre-Star Trek Jonathan Frakes.

The Star

Based on the short story by Arthur C. Clarke.

It seems like it should have been a good fit for a TZ Christmas episode, however, it is far too talky.  Despite valiant efforts by Fritz Weaver and Donald Moffat, it worked better on the page.

Classic TZ Legacy:  Fritz Weaver was in two good episodes.

 Post-Post:

  • Given the 1st and 3rd segments, this was clearly the Christmas episode.  So what’s up with the 2nd segment?
  • I’m trying to look at this episode as surviving the holidays, and anticipating a better new year.
  • I don’t think I can keep up in January, so signing off until February 1st.

Science-Fiction Theatre – The Brain of John Emerson (05/21/55)

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sftbrainof02Six months ago, Police Sargent John Emerson was brought in to the Bannister Hospital with “multiple head gunshot wounds” even though he only has one head.  “A bullet was lodged in the brain.  His skull was fractured”.  He hovered near death for three months.  Finally, he moved a finger, then his legs.  A week later he could see.  Soon he could speak and walk.  Then his insurance ran out so they released him.

When he comes home from the hospital, his hot gal is there.  His sense of smell must be lagging because he doesn’t smell her cooking him dinner when he enters his apartment, and she surprises him. He tells her he is fine, but ironically Dr. Turner who saved his has died of  heart attack.

After lying around for three months, he has to take the lieutenant’s exam the next day.  But he hasn’t studied!  He doesn’t even know where the class is! [1]  He takes the test anyway.  His captain is stunned when the test results come back.  Emerson was scored as having a cute little 119 IQ when he joined the force; now he has scored 173 [2].  The captain knows Emerson to be too honest to cheat, so he hands him his new lieutenant badge.

The next day Mr. Fancypants goes to see a psychologist, “Dr. Franklin, I’m Police Lieutenant John Emerson.”  He asks the doctor if brain surgery can induce physical changes in a person.  Franklin says, “There are certain types of surgery that produce smart personality changes.”  He cites a lobotomy as an example.  What?  I guess Joe Kennedy was a great guy after all, maybe just prepping Rosemary for Jeopardy.  Ironically, the same procedure likely would have raised Ted’s IQ.

sftbrainof14They decide to go to Dr. Turner’s lab to see if they can account for this change in IQ.  Luckily, the heart doctor seems to have shared an office with the psychologist.  The door to Turner’s lab is in Franklin’s office.  Strangely, like deja vu, Emerson seems to know the names of the lab animals and know all about the medical equipment.  Franklin suggests Turner imparted this newfound wisdom to Emerson by playing recordings to him while he was in a coma; in much the same way I watch this show.

That night, Emerson goes to Turner’s house.  Mrs. Turner confronts him with a gun.  He says he didn’t break in, he just knew where Dr. Turner had kept the spare key.  He wants to see Turner’s workshop.  “It’s in the basement,” she says.  “I know,” he replies.  He further stuns her by knowing that the workshop key was hidden in the clock.  However, he stops short of telling her he knows what she looks like naked.

sftbrainof09In the workshop, they find a lot of animals.  Turner had changed their brains so enemy species get along. Literally, dogs and cats living together.  Also hawks and guinea pigs in the same rectum cage [3]. Franklin gives Emerson sodium pentothal and he recalls a tape that Turner made.  Turner, on the tape, says that if Emerson discovered this tape on his own, then his theories have been proven correct.  Emerson vows to continue the doctor’s research.  Mrs. Turner gives him the lab.  Great, he got shot in the head, and all he got was this lousy homework.

There are 39 episodes in this first season of Science Fiction Theatre.  Oh the humanity.

I rate it 50 IQ points.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Or is it just me that has that nightmare?
  • [2] Hmmm . . . they only clocked Stephen Hawking at 160.
  • [3] I will be the first to agree that the strikeout is the lowest form of comedy. However, I find it elevating when I do it.
  • Reading Star Trek: The 50 Year Mission, I was happy to see a shout-out to Science Fiction Theatre.  One of the interviewees was afraid Star Trek would turn out this corny.
  • Come on, John Howard (Emerson) was just in last week’s episode!  Give someone else a chance!  He still strikes me as an above-average actor, even if it is in that affected 1950s style.

Outer Limits – Dark Rain (02/14/97)

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oldarkrain1A motorcade of black SUVs and limos with a massive carbon footprint rolls up to a secure building.  A diverse group of white men and white women file into a conference room. Rather than wait for Leonardo DiCaprio to arrive in his private jet, they start immediately.  “Dark Rain is now falling on every continent.”

95% – 97% of the earth’s population has been exposed to Teradoxyn. Paradoxically, it was first detected in the Middle East which you might think would get off easy on rain-related plagues. How did Seattle escape this fate?  Note to CDC: investigate immunity based on coffee and awful music.  “The birthrate of viables has already fallen to near-zero.”

Dr. Marissa Golding wants to spread the word that we brought this on ourselves.  It was caused by the use of chemical weapons which mutated.  I guess this was before the next Ice Age was a bigger threat than Global Warming, and the Hole in the Ozone was not fashionable yet.  Maybe this was during the Acid Rain / No Nukes hysteria nexus. Rest assured, though, the producers are quick to say that “both sides” were at fault.  C’mon, I expect that kind of America-bashing from Hollywood, but from Canadians?  Naturally, the administration wants to squash this data lest it hurt their chance of getting re-elected with 2 of the 3 remaining electoral votes.

oldarkrain2Glen Campbell Glen Canyon High School has seen better days; as has Glen Campbell.  Someone has spray-painted School’s Out Forever on the front doors.  Although most of the classrooms are empty, Sherry McAllister teaches the last existing class of kids.  She reminds them it is time to report to the Federal Reproductive Board to “get tested for your fertility rating and become sexually active as soon as possible.” Holy crap, they look about 12 years old!  Their lack of enthusiasm for this plan is the best indication they might be too young.

Back at casa de McAllister, she and husband Tim are watching the news.  The NWA (New World Army) is pissing off the government by minding their own business.  Oh, they’re being accused of terrorism, but I suspect that is a smokescreen.  Even Tim says, “What is wrong with those people?”  He just can’t catch a break.  Even though there is zero population growth, Sherry is making him use a condom . . . mutations, you know.  A week later she is pregnant.  Weirdly played, but I assume this isn’t the first time they’ve had the sex.

At the hospital, Dr. Golding assures them there are no signs of mutation. Quickly, men with guns show up and say they are there for her protection (i.e. We’re from the government and we’re here to help).  Sherry accidentally witnesses another woman go into labor in a very well-done scene.  It is known that the baby will be a mutant, but there is still great energy and suspense as the medical team surrounds her.  The heightened stakes come through in the production, so kudos on that.  Sherry is understandably ready to bail after seeing that.

Some time later, however, Sherry gives birth to a healthy boy.  They are thrilled, but not thrilled that they are still prisoners.  To be fair, they hold the key to humanity’s survival.  I am in the unusual position of supporting Big Government on this one.  This is too important to keep all your fertilized eggs in one basket.  They are awakened one night by an NWA member in their room.  He offers to help them escape with their baby.  When the head doctor brings the brass in to see the miracle baby, all they see is NWA spray-painted on the wall.  As the McAllisters are African-American, this takes on a whole different unintended meaning.  No, the other one.

I should have stuck to my constitutionally-protected guns — they escape to the NWA’s compound and there is a happy, almost tear-jerking resolution.  It has finally struck me that this newer version of Outer Limits is softer on the Sci-Fi, and spends more time exploring humanity and emotion than the original series — just like the new Twilight Zone, but I always complain about that reboot.  Maybe it’s because I am not as familiar with the original Outer Limits, so I can’t be disappointed.  Or maybe Outer Limits is just a much better series.

Nothing extraordinary here, just another well-produced episode. Outer Limits stands with AHP as being reliable when the other series wear me down.

I rate it an 85% chance of dark precipitation.

Post-Post:

  • Shades of Children of Men which came both earlier (book) and later (movie).  But it’s probably a common sci-fi trope.
  • Sadly, the mutants reminded me of Unnatural Selection.  Very sadly.
  • The head of the Federal Reproductive Board survived two episodes of Ray Bradbury Theater:  The Wonderful Death of Dudley Stone and The Screaming Woman.
  • Title Analysis:  Meh.  Complete McGuffin.  Could have been anything.

The Hitchhiker – The Miracle of Alice Ames (07/15/89)

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haliceames08I decided to give this my undivided attention.  I would make no notes, and give it a fair chance.  The joke is on me because now I have to watch this piece of shit again.

First of all, why is this set in France? Did it originally air on Maison Box Office?  And how far is this hitch-hiker going, anyway?  If those opening desert scenes of him were France, stick to the 1989 domestics.

Brother Charles (Joe Pantoliano) operates The Church of Limitless Love.  Most of his parishioners seem to be seeking a hot meal more than the word of God.  This day, Alice Ames comes in from the cold.

After the sermon, Alice delivers soup to Brother Charles.  He wastes no time explaining that “love is love” and she is “deeply and unconditionally loved”.  He wants to build a new church.  “A temple where people from all over the world could come and feel safe.”

Alice is shown to a room that she will share with Melissa.  She is going out for the evening as Alice is getting into bed.  She says she has a “missionary position in the organization.”  haliceames10I can’t cast any stones about lame, obvious jokes, but this is painfully shoe-horned in and delivered.  It does indicate to us, however, how Brother Charles plans to pay for his new gold and silver “castle in the sky.”  Of course, keen observers of the human condition might have figured that out as the opening scene of the episode was Melissa pushed against a brick wall getting bloody railed.

Even though nothing is ever explicitly said, Alice is given a new suit of hookerwear.  She puts it on and hits the street.  She picks up a guy who seems to be wearing the top half of a scuba suit, but is probably some fashionable Euro-wear.  Aquaman lays on top of her, and the next thing we see is him running out of the hotel room, covered by blood.  The hotel manager looks in and sees Alice with blood pouring from her hand.

Brother Charles rushes to the hospital to pick up Alice.  He is met by a policeman who thinks he can now bust Charles’s operation.  When did the French become such prudes?  On the way back, Charles stops the car and tells Alice to get out.  He says he “can’t have this kind of thing in my church.”  What kind of thing?  Because she seemed to be stabbed? Because it was stigmata?  I have no idea what the point was here.  She gets out, fortuitously, right in front of another church — one that doesn’t operate in a storefront.

haliceames14She looks up at a statue and cries out that it is a test and she will prove herself to be a believer.  We see her wrapping her hands and feet, but where is she?  Then we see her walking through a hospital.  Then we see her being escorted out of the earlier hotel room by the police.  I can’t even begin to speculate what this series of events means.  Was it a flashback?  Did she return to the scene of the . . . well, it wasn’t really a crime.  What the hell?

She returns to Brother Charles who exploits her stigmata as “a living example of God’s work”.  The bucks are really rolling in.  Before the congregation, he unwraps her feet to show her bloody wounds.  As they gasp, he holds up her arms to show her bloody palms.  They again recoil, although it might have been at her shaved armpits.

After the service, Charles is enjoying a swig of sacramental vodka with Alice.  He accuses her, in the nicest possible way, of faking the wounds, then starts negotiating their split of the proceeds.  Charles climbs on top of her, and she cries, “This is the wrong kind of haliceames20love!”  She seems scared to death as he forces himself on her.  Her hands begin to bleed and he dies — why, I have no idea. There is blood on his face — why, I have no idea.  Alice goes limp beneath him.  I guess she is also dead — why, I have no idea. The police know to come examine the bloody room — why, I have no idea. There is a very choppy edit back to the titular hitchhiker who explains nothing.  Not even HTF he got to France.

This is probably the most incoherent episode I have watched for this blog.  It is stunningly inept at every turn.  As with both previous Hitchhiker episodes, it is leaden and humorless; but that seems to be, inexplicably, what they are going for . . . so, kudos for succeeding.  Unlike the other episodes, here you are frequently left having no idea where people are, what their motivations are, and why things are happening.  I assume, at a mere 23 minutes, there were huge chunks of this that were even worse, so were edited out.  Was this like the last episode of The Twilight Zone, where they just bought a French short film and passed it off as original?

OK, everyone has an off week.  The exchange student director didn’t work out, the funding fell short, the story just didn’t translate from the page.  But after it is filmed and seen to be such a turd, WTF would you put it on Volume 1 of what can reasonably be expected to be a greatest hits compilation?  And in the third slot?

Rating:  This ain’t no miracle; this ain’t even a card trick.

Post-Post:

  • From the director of Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay.  Maybe that’s what got my hopes up.
  • Never got around to it above, but what about those scars on her wrist?  Another mystery.