Twilight Zone – Still Life (01/03/86)

tzstilllife1Becky sent husband Daniel to buy a new brass bed, but he has returned with a steamer trunk that even one of them couldn’t fit in.  He has purchased some antique photo-graphic gear which, however, might also be useful in the bedroom . . . wink wink, nudge nudge.  He examines the camera housing and the lens, but notes that that glass plates are broken.  The episode opened with Becky noticing a chip in a wine glass.  Connection — none that I can see.

Daniel assures her that it isn’t just the camera debris; the trunk itself is perfect for the restoration of their house.  He finds that the trunk has a false bottom.  In the secret compartment, there is a Kodak 100, the first camera to use roll film.  Dan notices that there is still film in the camera.  Becky says, “I have a feeling the hedge isn’t going to get trimmed this afternoon” which sounds dirty even if it’s not.

tzstilllife3Daniel develops the pictures.  The first one helpfully is a title card which states that the pictures were taken during a 1913 National Geographic expedition to the Amazon.  The pictures are of the Curucai Indians [1].  Becky is also amazed by the photos.  They want to show them to their old friend Alex, but it is almost midnight; so they kiss and go upstairs to trim the hedges.

The next day, after Daniel leaves to run some errands, Becky hears strange noises.  She had been chopping vegetables, so takes the knife with her to investigate.  Meanwhile, Daniel is talking to Alex who is literally an old friend.  Daniel describes the photos, but Alex says he was actually on that expedition and there can be no photos. The Curucai believed that to take their picture was to steal their souls.  They broke the scientist’s cameras and drove them out of the village.

Turns out the photographer had given his life to save this last batch of photos.  Daniel pulls them out to show Alex.  However, now there are no Indians in the pictures.  Daniel races back home and searches the house until he spots an Indian behind their ficus. As he runs, the house is booby-trapped [2] with forks, knives and broken glass.

tzstilllife5There is no point in giving a play-by-play.  Daniel continues searching for his wife.  Their pet parrots have been let out of their prison, so lend an air of wilderness as they make startling appearances.  The Curucai use a sound like the wind to communicate which is also unsettling.

As he is attacked, just like fellow photographer Jeff Jeffries, Daniel grabs a camera as a weapon. When he photographs the Indian, his soul is sucked back onto film.  So he stalks the Indians like a Gawker photographer, except he has a job.  He photographs all of them back into his camera until the last [3].  He has squandered his ammo by taking multiple shots. Becky saves the day with her Kodak Instamatic.

Like Shadowman, this is an episode that shows what TZ is capable of.  It isn’t like the old TZ, but it has an interesting concept, and follows up with some chills and suspense. There are minor quibbles to make, but my only real criticism is the score.  During the episode it is fine, but why bookend it with sappy, sentimental Lifetime movie music?  I suppose it is supposed to be a counterpoint to the darker middle scenes, but it just reminds me of how mushy many of the new TZ episodes are.

tzstilllife6I rate it 32 out of 35 mm.

Post-Post:

  • [1] The Curucai seem to be a fictional tribe.
  • [2] Hehe, booby.
  • [3] The last Indian was covered in dark make-up except for his shoulders and feet.  Was that a tribal thing?  Or a no-people-of-color-in-the-stunt-man’s-union thing?
  • Alex and Daniel were played by father and son, John and Robert Carradine.
  • This was John Carradine’s last TV appearance.

One, Two, Three – Paul Cain (1933)

Great, a story told in 1st person so I will never know who the speaker is unless he talks in front of a mirror.  When in Rome, IL . . .

I was trailing a man named Healey.  He had slipped out of Chicago two hours ahead of me and headed for Los Angeles.  Gard, an op from another agency, mentioned that Healey had been seen in Caliente, Nevada.  I mistakenly went to see Frank Caliendo in Las Vegas, then after the show headed to Caliente.  Healey was in the second place I looked; the first being all the places he wasn’t.

He was in a small-time poker game.  During a break he bought cocktails for the rubes at his table, while having lemonade himself.  I asked if he knew a bookie from back east named Lonnie that I knew he knew but he didn’t know that I knew.  We became thick as pudgy thieves, even though only one of us was; a thief I mean.  Frankly, both of us could lose a few pounds.   Healey had ripped off a railroad for $150k and nearly been busted when he tried to put a hotel on it.

That night, Healey came to my room.  He needed to get out of town quick before the missus caught up with him again.  There was a deal with blackmail and also a deal with a white male who claimed to be her brother.  Healey was just in Nevada to get a quickie divorce at the Elvis Divorce Chapel & Muffler Shop.  I agreed to drive him back to Los Angeles.  He had no luggage, like many boobs leaving NV with just the shirt on his back.

While I was waiting for him in the car, I heard 5 shots from the hotel.  Like a dope, I went back in.  Upstairs, I found Healey dead of gunshot wounds and his wife stabbed to death with a pistol in her mitts.  Witnesses had seen Healey picking his teeth with the knife at the 24 hour buffet.  Among the missing:  $150k, less some chump-change in the chump’s pocket.

My guess was that Healey had gone upstairs to knock off his wife, using me as the getaway driver.  Her alleged brother must have interrupted, shooting Healey in the back after he had stabbed the woman.  Now he had looted the loot.  This seemed plausible until Gard told me the dead woman was not Healey’s wife.

Gard and I paid a visit to the real Mrs. Healey.  She was a hot dame with snappy gams, a real pip.  She seemed genuinely distraught at Healey’s murder.  She had been hoping they could patch things up.  Plans had already been made to ship her husband’s dead body back home to Detroit where it would not be noticed.

Back at my hotel, I got a wire from Chicago.  The dead woman was a contortionist extortionist who worked with her husband Arthur Raines, who pretended to be her brother for 23 hours and 58 minutes each day.  Her fake brother’s real brother William Raines was listed as a contact — and I’m assuming it is his brother — this is 1933, for God’s sake.

I staked out casa de Raines until I saw a man I assumed to be him get in a cab.  We followed the cab until the driver looked back and our eyes met.  I had seen him at the scene of the crime!  Then he took off, leaving us in the dust.  I cursed and embarrassed myself in front of the cab driver — dammit why do they all speak English!

Thinking about taking a train back to New York, I drove by Mrs. Healey’s apartment one last time.  I spotted a blue Chrysler out front that I had seen in Nevada.  I slipped the spick elevator boy a buck, and went up — er, I hope no one reads this in 84 years [ed:  probably close to the truth].  I could hear through the door that the man and Mrs. Healey were talking, but why would they be together?  Hearing a scream, I busted in.

Mrs. Healey — and by this point, I really wish I had gotten her first name — was up against a wall as two men wrestled on the floor.  Arthur Raines and my pal Gard were fighting for a gun.  I was able to easily pick up the gun and conk Raines on the noggin. Then Gard conked me.  Then Mrs. Healey conked Gard.  The titular One, Two, Three.

When we all regained consciousness, Raines explained the whole complex story.  My head was still pounding; mostly from hearing the whole complex story.  Mrs. Healey fled to New Zealand and wisely bought property in The Shire.

I found out the next day I had a concussion and was kept in the hospital for 9 days until they realized there was no such thing as HooverCare.  The whole Healey ordeal cost me about a grand.

While I enjoyed this story, I’m not sure I enjoyed it so much that facing another 1,125 pages isn’t scaring me.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Black Mask in May 1933.
  • Also that month:  the Loch Ness Monster was first spotted.  Possibly related, this was 2 months after Prohibition ended . . . well, 4,000 miles away.  But the Scots were probably loaded anyway. [pffft – various accounts suggest other dates]
  • Written by Paul Cain.
  • No wait, that was a pseudonym for Peter Ruric.
  • Not so fast, that was a nom de plume used by George Carrol Sims because he had a girl name; no, I mean George.

Science Fiction Theatre – Spider, Inc. (05/28/55)

sftspider1We are told Joe Ferguson drives his wife crazy by spending most of his time downstairs; no, in his basement lab.  Ellie Ferguson arrives home in a great mood because she just learned she is pregnant.  She tries to tell Joe, but he is oblivious, staring into his microscope and talking about his great discovery.  She tells him he is so wrapped up in his work that he doesn’t know she is alive.  This being 1955 TV, I assume her husband knew her a couple of months ago — as opposed to, say, the milkman, TV repairman, or some other extinct species.  I guess today, they would be the delivery guy from Whole Foods or someone from Geek Squad; but are they really threats?

To be fair, when he realizes what she is yammering on about, he is elated.  Ellie brings him down when she mentions this will be a big responsibility, require money, and reminds him they are in debt.  Every time Ellie balances the budget, Joe finds another geologic specimen or scientific instrument to buy.  He decides to sell his microscope for $500.  If I can think of a Gift of the Magi reference by the end of the episode, I’ll be happy. [1]

While in the store, another item catches his eye — a piece of fossilized amber with a spider caught in it.  It has a $1,500 price tag, so Joe talks the clerk into letting him borrow it.  He says, “It has the potential to open up a whole new world for us.”  Yeah, Jurassic World.

sftspider2His buddy Frank identifies the creature as a wolf spider, maybe 100 million years old.  He says the amber is Joe’s area of expertise.  Although, as a geologist, I’m not sure how tree sweat falls in his bailiwick.  Maybe in the Petrified Forest.

Joe says his interest in the item is because his company is working on a new synthetic oil substitute.  Joe explains that in 1955, “The dwindling oil supply has become one of the greatest problems of our age.”  And Al Gore wonders why there are skeptics of anthropogenic global warming.  Joe believes the specimen can provide answers about how oil is created.

Ellie overhears this.  Then Joe inexplicably tells her he paid $1,500 for the specimen which is not even true.  He borrowed the item and left a $450 deposit — this guy makes his own trouble.  She says, “I’m not interested in Mother Nature — I’m interested in Mother Ferguson!”  Good one Ellie!  Sadly, this nice zinger is followed by some really hokey dialogue and Ellie runs from the room accompanied by the God-awful, overbearing SFT score.

sftspider3That night, the store-owner who sold him the rock drops by the house.  He has a buyer for the amber and wants to get it back from Joe.  He returns the money Joe put down, and Ellie gives him the specimen from the lab. When Joe gets home that night, he finds Ellie having tea with the store-owner and some other creditors. They’ve decided they will all be partners in Joe’s research venture which they have named Spider, Inc.

They all go down to the lab at his job to see his latest experiment.  The company president, who had earlier dismissed his ideas, walks in.  Joe tells him he believes a bubble in the amber could provide a sample of the earth’s atmosphere 50 million years ago.  Looking at the results, Joe believes he can use electricity as a catalyst to make oil much more quickly.  It works — he invented synthetic oil!  I expect a lot of lawsuits between Spider, Inc. and the oil company whose lab Joe used for the experiment.

What I was really left with from this episode was how Joe is getting screwed.  His employer would not buy him the proper equipment, and the President had written him off as a loon.  But as soon as there are billions of petro-dollars to be made, el Presidente pops in to collect his Soprano-esque piece of the action.

Similarly, Joe’s wife has traded debts on the refrigerator and sofa for partnerships in a company that will be worth billions.

And finally, Joe had Jurrassic Park in his hand and didn’t go for it.  Or rather, the writer didn’t go for it.  I’m sure insta-oil seemed amazing in 1955.  But DNA had been discovered, and tadpoles had been cloned 2 years earlier.  The lack of vision in this series is Amazing, Astounding, and Weird.

Another artless piece of dreck from SFT.  I rate it 2 legs.

Post-Post:

  • [1] I’m not happy.
  • Gene Barry (Joe Ferguson) was in War of the Worlds both 3 years earlier and 50 years later.

Outer Limits – The Camp (02/21/97)

olcamp1The Elder is giving a speech to the prisoners about the era twelve generations ago, before the New Masters arrived, when humans held dominion over the earth.  Special scorn is heaped on the treasonous humans who help the alien overlords. He reminds the children that their birthright lies outside the gates of their prison.  A couple of human guards show up and escort the Elder out.

The next day, the human Commandant lines up the wretched remains of humanity in the prison yard.  He has three announcements.

  • 1) The nutritional rations will be cut by 3%.
  • 2) Repairs to the refining center will continue.
  • 3) The Elder won’t be getting any elder.

He graciously grants the prisoners one hour to grieve and to choose a younger Elder. Prisoner 98843 (Harley Jane Kozak) shouts that the rations are already too low.  The Commandant says there is no more food to distribute.  She suggests that they grow their own food or import it from somewhere.  He dismissively dismisses the idea before he says, “Dismissed.”

olcamp2Later, 98843 is complaining to a guard about the lack of replacement parts for the factory.  She is joined by a young mute girl [1] who has been bringing water to the prisoners as they work.  She is also teaching the girl about electronics.  This is good, because the way 98843 mouths off to the overseers, there won’t be a 98844.

Guards enter and haul 98843 away to see the Commandant.  The prisoners assume she will be raped.  The Commandant even misleadingly says, “I need you.”  She begins to strip but he stops her.  He pops an electronic eyeball out of its socket and hands it to her with the order, “Repair it.”  She negotiates more food for the kiddies.  The Commandant had said there was no more, yet he agrees, the big liar-head.  He also warns that if she fails, they will get NO food, which makes no sense.  As that Moses guy said in the movie, “The strong make many [bricks], the weak make few, the dead make none.”

olcamp3Prisoner 91777 (Bill Cobb) is elected as the new Elder.  The Commandant orders them both to his office to receive supplementary rations for the prisoners.  91777 wants to know how 98843 got him to agree to this, but she dodges the question.  The Commandant tells them they will receive sharrak, an alien food from the New Masters; also some cigars from the Dutch Masters.  They are taken to a dungeon where a tentacled sharrak lives.  It attacks 98843 and 91777 is allowed to cut off its tentacle to feed the prisoners (oh, and save 98843’s life).

At the big feast, 91777 notes that there are fewer overseers.  He recalls a previous uprising where some prisoners made it over the wall.  However, 98843 recalls the remaining prisoners were slaughtered.  She reminds him the New Masters destroyed the combined armies of the world in 3 days.  Since he says the survivors reported seeing nothing but aliens with razor teeth, and scorched earth and black steel, I’m not sure what his hurry is.

olcamp4The Commandant’s new eye goes bad, revealing that he is a robot.  He orders 98843 to repair him or he will feed the young girl to the sharrak. She does, and becomes his personal mechanic, living separate from the other prisoners.  Despite her securing more food for them, they shun her as a traitor.

She learns that all of the overseers are robots.  They are beginning to break down and will soon execute Procedure 7 — closing the camp and killing the human prisoners.  The next time the group is assembled in the yard, 98843 twists the Commandant’s head off and shows everyone he is a robot.  The humans attack the few remaining overseers, who ain’t exactly Cyberdyne products in fighting ability.

The humans prevail and open the prison gates for the first time in centuries.  The gates swing open to reveal not a scorched earth, but a plush green valley (and possibly the former 18th fairway at Augusta (sorry, 98843)) [2].  The verdant scenery proves that the robots were lying for 2 centuries, and that even 200 years in the future, prime real estate with a scenic view will be squandered on an ugly government building if a Senator’s brother owns the land.

A good episode despite maybe being padded out a little.  As usual on The Outer Limits, the performances and production design are great assets. Harley Jane Kozak and David Hemblen as the Commandant were both great in their roles.

Good stuff.

Post-Post:

  • [1] The family relationships here seem needlessly obfuscated.  The girl is referred to as 98843’s girl, but she doesn’t seem to be her daughter, although there are hints. Mid-episode, 98843 refers to the previous Elder as her father, but there was no indication of that earlier.
  • [2] Correction, Augusta began accepting female members in 2012 (as predicted by the Mayan calendar).
  • 91777 is not a prime number, but is the product of three primes:  7 x 7 x 1,873.
  • 98843 is not a prime number, but is the product of two primes:  97 x 1,019.
  • I like a prime number reference as much as the next guy, but why have a different number of factors?  I assume I’m missing something; probably missing the fact that there is no significance.
  • Harley Jane Kozak is a genresnaps fave for reasons I’m not even sure of.  Could it be one episode of LA Law I saw on Lifetime before the New Masters arrived?
  • Title Analysis:  A little too on-the-nose.

The Hitchhiker – Ghostwriter (01/07/86)

hghostwriter08Writer Jeffrey Hunt’s car is pulled out of the water.  A detective standing by is immediately suspicious of his wife Debby and his agent Tony Lynch. They also retrieved a notebook with three false-start letters:  Goodbye Debby, Goodbye Tony, then Goodbye Debby & Tony.  This was pretty prescient as the next scene is one of those godawful amber-bathed Cinemax style sex scenes with the wailing sax, but with an NQ of 0%.[1]  This is not HBO, this is TV.

Thank God it is cut short by Librarian Vivian [2] who drags Tony away to discuss re-releasing Jeffrey’s books.  Left alone at the house, Debby takes a long steamy shower. No wait, she hears a noise and goes upstairs.  To take a shower.  No, she hears Jeffrey’s typewriter clacking away.  She sees a piece of paper roll up with the words: CAN’T LIVE WITH MYSELF.  DROWNING IN GUILT.  It is a sad commentary on this episode that 1) I have an idea where this plot should go, and 2) there’s not a chance in hell it will happen.

She is stunned to see Jeffrey come walking into the bedroom.  He says he faked his death because he wants what every writer wants:  Immortality.  He announces that they are going to disappear to Samoa.  He smirks and tells her “Today is the first day of the rest of my death,” possibly explaining his lack of success as a writer.

hghostwriter14At a reading of Jeffrey’s books by Vivian and Tony, Debby waves Tony outside.  The director very nearly sneaks some humor into the episode before catching himself.  She tells Tony all about Jeffrey.  His bright idea is to kill Jeffrey for real.

To Debby’s credit, she is not thrilled at this idea.  More to her credit, in the next scene, she strips and climbs buck-naked into a Jacuzzi with Jeffrey. Within seconds, we see Tony’s hands around Jeffrey’s throat as he drowns him with an assist from the still-naked Debby.  The score in this scene is so nearly an exact duplicate of the shower scene in Psycho that I’m not sure if it was a homage or rip-off [UPDATE: Rip-Off].

They roll Jeffrey up in a tarp and toss him in the back of a pick-up truck.  Darn the luck, the police show up.  Debby manages to slip away and drives to the river to dispose of his body.  Once again, reports of his death are premature as he suddenly gets up and attacks Debby.  He throws her off a pier on to some rocks.  He then leaves a typewritten note on her windshield TONY FORGIVE ME.  I HOPE YOU GO ON WITHOUT ME. THE GUILTY MUST PAY.

Back at casa de Hunt, it becomes clear that Tony & Jeffrey were in cahoots.  They have a glass of wine to celebrate, but Tony’s is poisoned. The police show up again.  These are both the most diligent and most incompetent cops in the world.  The cops break in and find a note on the typewriter:  POISONED BY GUILT. A GREAT WRITER IS DEAD.  GOD FORGIVE US, DEBRA, FOR THE MURDER OF JEFFREY HUNT.

Jeffrey is spotted at the ferry and makes the world’s worst attempted escape.  He steals a car, rams the gate, and I assume plans to jump the car onto the departed ferry.  He misses by a mere 200 feet.  But what if he had made it?  Couldn’t they radio the captain to turn around, or just meet him on the other side?  So the car goes in the drink and he drowns just as was originally believed.  Nice.

I must admit I was way off-base.  An extra twist and a sexy murder scene redeem this episode from the trash I expected it to be,  It was still a humorless, melodramatic slog but it had some good qualities.

hghostwriter56Post-Post:

  • [1] Nudity Quotient.  This was on HBO, right?
  • [2] Madeleine Sherwood was a regular on The Flying Nun. Only worth noting because it had the greatest premise in the history of TV: a flying nun.
  • Dayle Haddon (Debby) was on the cover of the 1973 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
  • Jeffrey often calls Debby “mousy face” which is the least romantic gesture since John Travolta clawed Joan Allen’s face in Face/Off.
  • Almost homophonically related: I’ve been requested this from Alexa a lot lately.