Starring one of the top five worst actors ever to make a good living at it: Elliot Gould.

There is a TV on in the newspaper office where Gould works.  Even back in 1986, TV news was making the most of the medium’s miraculous ability to communicate and educate; in this case by broadcasting a review of a sandwich shop.

This incenses Gould who fancies himself a real journalist — he reviews restaurants.  We can tell he is a serious critic because, not only is he wearing an apron in the newsroom, he seems to have a little mini-kitchen and wine-rack in his cubicle.

The report continues on to rave about Mr. Lee’s Chinese Cuisine.  For reasons unknown, Gould decides to ruin the restaurant with a terrible review.  He types a terrible — in more ways than one — headline, then admits to his co-worker that he has never actually been there.  Thank God journalists had evolved past this kind of elite tunnel-vision, bias and arrogant presumption before the 2016 elections.

Gould is such a great journalist, he can use a keyboard without a screen.

To preserve the facade of his journalistic integrity, Gould goes to Mr. Lee’s for dinner the next day.  He orders several dishes which are beautiful and still steaming on his table when he asks for the check. Mr. Lee is an honorable man.  He says he can’t accept money for a meal that was not enjoyed.  He brings Gould a “very special fortune cookie.”  It reads, “A grand reward awaits you just around the corner”. Moments later he inadvertently causes a thief to drop a bag of diamonds and gets a reward.

He goes back to the restaurant the next morning — the morning his scathing review runs in the paper.  Mr. Lee says, “You are the man who wrote all those bad things about Mr. Lee in newspaper” because Chinese people don’t understand pronouns or articles.  He promises to write a great follow-up review, then orders another meal and fortune cookie. Again, he skips the meal and goes straight to the fortune cookie which reads, “April arrives today, brings romance.”  Just after leaving, he meets a woman named April and I don’t even want to imagine what happens later.

They go on a date to Mr. Lee’s Chinese Cuisine.  April chaus down, but Gould waits for the fortune cookie.  It’s not really worth the wait as it reads, “You’re going to die.”  He calls Mr. Lee out of the kitchen.  Lee says you get the fortune you deserve.  Gould storms out, but after a few steps all those skipped meals catch up with him.  He is acutely, ravishingly starving.

He looks down the street and all of the restaurants are Chinese.  He enters one and begins stuffing his face.  Two seconds later he is hungry again.  He eats and eats and eats but is never satisfied.  The marching Chinese bring dish after dish to his table. Yada yada, he’s dead and in hell — but one of those TZ hells where you get too much of a good thing.  He is sentenced to having Chinese food brought to him, which is a deal a lot of Chinese people would take.

Gould was surprisingly good in this.  Most weeks this segment might have grated a little bit.  The first two segments in this episode built up considerable goodwill, though.  It would just be churlish to point out he was damned to hell for a fake news story.  Even Brian Williams got another chance.

I rate it #18.

Post-Post:

• Classic TZ Roots:  A Nice Place to Visit also had a very hospitable hell.
• Trivia:  Note in the beginning when Gould’s co-worker says the word “exposes” something flies out of his mouth.  Note also that when Gould begins typing his review, he has a keyboard, but no screen.
• Gould’s tombstone at the end charitably trims 10 years off his age.
• The ending narration says he is a man “for whom the phrase Dim Sum is not merely a description, but a damnation.”  I have no idea what they were going for there.

Liam O’Shaughnessy (hereafter known as Liam unless I CTL-H his ass) comes running into O’Kelly’s Pub. He is excited that the good lord has seen fit for him to bear witness to the titular Little People in Killany Forest. As Liam’s portrayer is 5’2″ Hamilton Camp, they must be some wee peeps indeed.

He was in the forest and saw a strange glow.  He discovered the fabled Little People, not over 3 feet tall, working “like cockroaches” under a giant mushroom.  He waxes on and on until Mike O’Mulvaney lives my dream, tells the Clavinesque patron to shut the hell up, and tosses him out the door.

His friend Eddie helps him up.  Liam says he still has his pride and walks off “to the only real friends I got.”  I guess he is referring to the Little People who he never saw before today, and who he just called cockroaches.  Mike sees him stop by O’Dell’s Hardware. After Liam leaves with a box, Mike visits O’Dell and bullies him into revealing Liam bought a bunch of building supplies and paid with a strange triangular gold coin.

Mike continues his search for Liam.  He first goes to the rooming house here Liam lives. Mrs. O’Finnegan tells him Liam said, “They was waiting” and gave her a triangular gold coin and slipped out the back door.

Mike has just been an obnoxious jerk up until now.  He has been stalking Liam and spoke to his contacts menacingly.  Finding out Liam has a pocket full of gold, however, turns him into a full-fledged gangster.  He finds Liam in the woods and like a cartoon villain somehow gets ahead of him.  He confronts Liam with a big stick and demands payment of his debt,  Liam says the money is not his, he’s just shopping for the Little People.  He gives Mike a triangular coin anyhoo, but Mike wants it all.

Liam warns him, “the gold don’t last for those the Little People don’t like” and hands it over.  He is able to knock Mike aside and take off running.  Liam jumps over a fallen tree into a brightly lit area.  Mike leaps over the fallen tree, and I just can’t reveal what happens next.  Suffice it to say, TZ is on a roll this week.  Some of the segment was iffy, but it fully redeemed itself.

Good stuff.

I see the next segment contains one of the worst actors in the world, however, I am actually optimistic.

Post-Post:

• Written and directed by J.D. Feigelson.  He had previously adapted The Burning Man, and also wrote the TV cult classic Dark Night of the Scarecrow.  Sadly, he seems to be out of the business, or in a real dry spell.

Becky sent husband Daniel to buy a new brass bed, but he has returned with a steamer trunk that even one of them couldn’t fit in.  He has purchased some antique photo-graphic gear which, however, might also be useful in the bedroom . . . wink wink, nudge nudge.  He examines the camera housing and the lens, but notes that that glass plates are broken.  The episode opened with Becky noticing a chip in a wine glass.  Connection — none that I can see.

Daniel assures her that it isn’t just the camera debris; the trunk itself is perfect for the restoration of their house.  He finds that the trunk has a false bottom.  In the secret compartment, there is a Kodak 100, the first camera to use roll film.  Dan notices that there is still film in the camera.  Becky says, “I have a feeling the hedge isn’t going to get trimmed this afternoon” which sounds dirty even if it’s not.

Daniel develops the pictures.  The first one helpfully is a title card which states that the pictures were taken during a 1913 National Geographic expedition to the Amazon.  The pictures are of the Curucai Indians ^[1].  Becky is also amazed by the photos.  They want to show them to their old friend Alex, but it is almost midnight; so they kiss and go upstairs to trim the hedges.

The next day, after Daniel leaves to run some errands, Becky hears strange noises.  She had been chopping vegetables, so takes the knife with her to investigate.  Meanwhile, Daniel is talking to Alex who is literally an old friend.  Daniel describes the photos, but Alex says he was actually on that expedition and there can be no photos. The Curucai believed that to take their picture was to steal their souls.  They broke the scientist’s cameras and drove them out of the village.

Turns out the photographer had given his life to save this last batch of photos.  Daniel pulls them out to show Alex.  However, now there are no Indians in the pictures.  Daniel races back home and searches the house until he spots an Indian behind their ficus. As he runs, the house is booby-trapped ^[2] with forks, knives and broken glass.

There is no point in giving a play-by-play.  Daniel continues searching for his wife.  Their pet parrots have been let out of their prison, so lend an air of wilderness as they make startling appearances.  The Curucai use a sound like the wind to communicate which is also unsettling.

As he is attacked, just like fellow photographer Jeff Jeffries, Daniel grabs a camera as a weapon. When he photographs the Indian, his soul is sucked back onto film.  So he stalks the Indians like a Gawker photographer, except he has a job.  He photographs all of them back into his camera until the last ^[3].  He has squandered his ammo by taking multiple shots. Becky saves the day with her Kodak Instamatic.

Like Shadowman, this is an episode that shows what TZ is capable of.  It isn’t like the old TZ, but it has an interesting concept, and follows up with some chills and suspense. There are minor quibbles to make, but my only real criticism is the score.  During the episode it is fine, but why bookend it with sappy, sentimental Lifetime movie music?  I suppose it is supposed to be a counterpoint to the darker middle scenes, but it just reminds me of how mushy many of the new TZ episodes are.

I rate it 32 out of 35 mm.

Post-Post:

• ^[1] The Curucai seem to be a fictional tribe.
• ^[2] Hehe, booby.
• ^[3] The last Indian was covered in dark make-up except for his shoulders and feet.  Was that a tribal thing?  Or a no-people-of-color-in-the-stunt-man’s-union thing?
• Alex and Daniel were played by father and son, John and Robert Carradine.
• This was John Carradine’s last TV appearance.