Outer Limits – Heart’s Desire (02/28/97)

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Cowboy Jake Miller is having a crisis of conscience — he can’t remember the faces of any of the eight men he has killed.  His brother Ben rightly reminds him that even if he could remember their faces, they’d still be dead.  Nearby, a preacher is having a bigger crisis as an alien materializes and possesses his body.

The brothers ride into town with their associates Frank & JD.  The gang is in town to recover buried loot from one of their previous jobs.  While Frank & JD go get liquored up at eight in the morning, Jake & Ben visit their father.  We see where Jake gets his conscience.  Their father is none too happy to see his outlaw sons, but grudgingly offers them their old bedroom since nothing had yet been invented to make it into a man-cave. Dad’s hands aren’t entirely clean as he dug up the loot and saved it for his boys.

olheartsdesire06Frank & JD go to the saddle boutique.  The possessed Preacher strolls by and gives them a demonstration.  Light shoots out of his eyes and he makes a horse disappear.  He offers to give them the same power.  Frank tests it out by making a wagon wheel disappear.  With this amazing new talent, the best the can think to do is kill the storekeeper and steal a couple of saddles and horses.

While Jake visits his old gal Miriam, Frank & JD go to local cemetery dig up the loot.  Maybe they should have used that skill to make 2,000 pounds of dirt disappear.  They are not happy when they discover that the loot has been moved.  Here is where I get lost.

olheartsdesire14Jake & Ben see Frank & JD at the cemetery.   Frank says, “Let’s get going.”  Ben stops them after a few steps and says, “Hold up, this is it.”  They all start digging and unearth a steel box.  Frank uses his superpowers to enable him and JD to steal the loot.  OK, so Frank & JD didn’t get mad that the money had been moved; or that they dug a huge back-breaking hole for nothing.  Maybe they were playing it cool until Jake & Ben took them to the real burial space.  That kind of calm strategic long-game doesn’t seem like a good fit for Frank, though.

As for Ben & Jake, why did Ben immediately tell them the loot had been moved?  And wasn’t their father holding the loot for them anyway?

olheartsdesire19Jake & Ben point their pistols at Frank, but he just makes them disappear.  When Ben rushes him, he strangles him, with sparks flying from his hands.  After Frank & JD take off with the loot, the Preacher happens by.  He gives Jake & Ben the same power.

Blah, blah, blah.  More people get killed, including JD.  There is a showdown which is witnessed by the Preacher.  I don’t get all the motivations, but it has a resolution that is very satisfying.

olheartsdesire30The Preacher explains he is from another planet.  This was all a test from yet another condescending alien species.  Jake gets on his horse and inexplicably rides off leaving Miriam, the only other survivor, behind.  Well, she did kill his brother which could make Thanksgiving awkward, but he really had it coming.  But again, the motivation escapes me.  I like that she is left stunned, staring at the sky, but why is she alone?

There is actually a great deal to like here.  The town, the snow, the frontier, the horses, the people — all perfectly rendered and believable.  Major kudos are due to director Mario Azzopardi for the episode.  Who knows to what extent he deserves credit for the production design, but dude knows how to use a camera.  Thank God we get the occasional director who understands that the camera’s range doesn’t stop at the first actor in the view-finder.  He frequently layers in a horse running away in the background, the Preacher passively observing, or simply the flowing river which give an immense texture to the scene and story.

As mentioned several times above, I wasn’t sure of the motivation in a few scenes, but the feel of the episode completely won me over.  If I had to complain about anything it is that 2 of the cowboys are unbelievable assholes; I mean over the top, hammy, in your face assholes.  And 3 of them are too much Hollywood purty-boys.[1]  Where’s Ernest Borgnine when you need him?  Sure, dead now, but not in 1997.

Rating:  Maybe not my heart’s desire, but fulfilled my desire for a fine hour of TV.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Apologies to the fourth.  I’m sure he is a nice guy and fun at parties.
  • Title Analysis:  Heart’s Desire is the name of the town.  Really a complete non-sequitur.

The Hitchhiker – Man’s Best Friend (12/10/85)

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Car door dented before the suitcase hit it.

Richard Shepard comes home and is good-naturedly shouting to his wife upstairs about his bad day.  He says, “You should have seen what they were throwing at me.”  At just that moment, a large suitcase crashes to the bottom of the stairs.  This could have been a good laugh; actually, I did laugh.  Sadly, no one involved in the production seemed to recognize the gag.  Even after a 2nd bag crashes down, Shephard barely reacts.

Ellie walks down the stairs after the bags.  She has thoughtfully packed them for Richard because she is throwing him out of the house.  One of the bags opens as he is carrying them to the car.  In anger, he flings another bag against the door of his Porsche, leaving a nice dent in the car which I suspect was an accident.

He goes to the home of his friend Carl.  Several years earlier Carl’s wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never return.  Fortunately they do not have to share the apartment as Carl is heading to New York.  That night, Shephard hears howling.  He investigates and finds a white dog and — for no reason I can figure — a blow-up sex doll.

hmansbestfriend2The next morning, still wearing the same double-breasted suit — that’s reason enough to break up with a dude right there — Shephard goes in search of Ellie.  He goes to her hair salon and starts flipping up hair dryers in search of her.  He is man-handled, tossed out and given such a slap by the fabulous owner [1] of the salon.  That’s not a story I’d tell down at the VFW Hall.  The dog witnesses the whole scene.

In another non-sequitur that I can’t figure out, Shephard makes a little fort for the dog. He has turned the sofa upside-down and spread some pillows to make it very homey. The dog comes home after walking himself and is covered with blood.  Shephard takes him into the shower and hoses him off — still wearing the double-breasted suit.  At least it is getting cleaned.  The next morning — as he awakens still in the same suit — the dog fetches him the paper.  The salon owner has been killed.

The next day he goes to an analyst who seems to have treated both him and Ellie.  He accuses the shrink of having a lesbian affair with his wife which is troubling as it 1) broke up their marriage, and 2) was a breach of medical ethics, and 3) took place off-camera.  The therapist assures him this is a delusion he has concocted to explain the break-up.  He seems to be wearing that same suit, BTW.  And it’s not like it is ragged, as a metaphor for his breaking down.  If still looks like a pretty nice suit except for the double-breastedness.  Oh, the dog kills her too.

hmansbestfriend3Carl comes home from New York to find his home has been wrecked.  I still can’t figure out what the point of this is.  Carl is understandably peeved, but Shephard tells him not to be angry.  Just to be safe, the dog kills him.

The next day, still in the same suit, Shephard takes a Polaroid picture of he and the dog posing in front of a mirror.  Ellie calls and that seems to upset the dog.  Shepard goes to her house to protect her.  When she tells him he is his own worst enemy, the dog attacks him and pushes him off a balcony.

Of course, there is no dog.  As it is attacking him, we see Shephard from Ellie’s POV defending against a non-existent dog.  Just in case we don’t get it, we then see the Polaroid which has developed to show no dog in the shot.  Shephard is the dog.

hmansbestfriend4I was highly critical of Michael O’Keefe’s (Shepard) performance for most of the episode. He was never much of an actor, but here he just seemed all over the board.  The revelation that he was nuts helped explain away some of that; many of his mannerisms are meant to imitate a dog.  The basics of the story were great.  I just wish I understood the sex doll, the sofa fort, the destruction of Carl’s house, and the symbolism of wearing the same suit day after day.  I guess the destruction is what you would expect from a dog.  Maybe the suit was like the dog’s fur — he can’t change it.

There’s a melodrama that permeates every episode of this series.  Despite it, this turned out to be a good episode.

I rate it 5 in dog years.

Post-Post:

  • [1] This guy was a dead-ringer for the love child of David Letterman and Joe Pisopo.
  • Directed by a pre Dead Calm Phillip Noyce.
  • In the commentary, Noyce says the dog is only seen from Shephard’s POV, but that’s not true.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Waxwork (04/12/59)

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ahpwaxwork4

L to R: The Avon Emeralds, Waxwork.                 LotR: Lord of the Rings

  1. This is the exact same establishing shot as opened The Avon Emeralds.
  2. This episode aired in 1959.  Why was it so important to set it in 1955?  Not exactly a period piece.
  3. Why was it necessary to set either episode in England?

Raymond Houston is quite the wild-man.  He heads off to the Marriner’s Wax Museum and buys both a guidebook and souvenir program.  He sneaks off the tour and up the stairs to find the owner.  He is a reporter with a great idea — he wants to report on politics without contempt or bias, and ask penetrating questions with insistent follow-ups. No wait, this isn’t The Twilight Zone; he just wants to spend the night in the museum.

Houston specifically wants wants to spend the night in the Murderer’s Den.  He has a bit of a gambling problem.  Writing this swell story will put a few bucks in his pocket.  After an interminable and unnecessary tour of the waxworks, Houston is locked away for the night.

He has a phobia about being locked up, so quickly becomes anxious.  Surrounded by the wax murderers, he stares longingly at the door.  Sweat pours off of his brow as he loosens his tie.  He types a few words:  This is no place for anyone with a weak heart . . . or weak nerves.

So far, this is the only remotely interesting thing about this episode.  Consider:  21 years later, Barry Nelson (Houston) would play the hotel manager in The Shining — a story about a writer trapped in a confined area for a pre-determined period of time who goes a little mad and types drivel on his typewriter.

It gets a little more interesting as we are treated to a POV shot which, like Charlotte McKinney, looks out over an impressive rack.  We witness the agitated Houston going from figure to figure in a panic.  Somehow the guillotine chops off a wax head.  Even more incredibly, he manages to get his hand caught in the afore-mentioned and afore-grounded rack.  Houston runs up the stairs to the door, but it is locked tight.

I’m getting a little restless myself.  Blah blah blah.  This episode had a lot of potential. Sadly it was torpedoed by too much unnecessary exposition, a very dull turn by Everett Sloane as the owner, and an unexceptional performance by Barry Nelson.

The Twilight Zone had a much better wax museum visit in The New Exhibit.

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  One of the guards is still with us.
  • Houston name-checks one of the murderous figures as Landru.  His waxy ass was also seen in The New Exhibit.

Twilight Zone – The Misfortune Cookie (01/03/86)

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tzmisfortunecookie1Starring one of the top five worst actors ever to make a good living at it: Elliot Gould.

There is a TV on in the newspaper office where Gould works.  Even back in 1986, TV news was making the most of the medium’s miraculous ability to communicate and educate; in this case by broadcasting a review of a sandwich shop.

This incenses Gould who fancies himself a real journalist — he reviews restaurants.  We can tell he is a serious critic because, not only is he wearing an apron in the newsroom, he seems to have a little mini-kitchen and wine-rack in his cubicle.

The report continues on to rave about Mr. Lee’s Chinese Cuisine.  For reasons unknown, Gould decides to ruin the restaurant with a terrible review.  He types a terrible — in more ways than one — headline, then admits to his co-worker that he has never actually been there.  Thank God journalists had evolved past this kind of elite tunnel-vision, bias and arrogant presumption before the 2016 elections.

tzmisfortunecookie2

Gould is such a great journalist, he can use a keyboard without a screen.

To preserve the facade of his journalistic integrity, Gould goes to Mr. Lee’s for dinner the next day.  He orders several dishes which are beautiful and still steaming on his table when he asks for the check. Mr. Lee is an honorable man.  He says he can’t accept money for a meal that was not enjoyed.  He brings Gould a “very special fortune cookie.”  It reads, “A grand reward awaits you just around the corner”. Moments later he inadvertently causes a thief to drop a bag of diamonds and gets a reward.

He goes back to the restaurant the next morning — the morning his scathing review runs in the paper.  Mr. Lee says, “You are the man who wrote all those bad things about Mr. Lee in newspaper” because Chinese people don’t understand pronouns or articles.  He promises to write a great follow-up review, then orders another meal and fortune cookie. Again, he skips the meal and goes straight to the fortune cookie which reads, “April arrives today, brings romance.”  Just after leaving, he meets a woman named April and I don’t even want to imagine what happens later.

tzmisfortunecookie3They go on a date to Mr. Lee’s Chinese Cuisine.  April chaus down, but Gould waits for the fortune cookie.  It’s not really worth the wait as it reads, “You’re going to die.”  He calls Mr. Lee out of the kitchen.  Lee says you get the fortune you deserve.  Gould storms out, but after a few steps all those skipped meals catch up with him.  He is acutely, ravishingly starving.

He looks down the street and all of the restaurants are Chinese.  He enters one and begins stuffing his face.  Two seconds later he is hungry again.  He eats and eats and eats but is never satisfied.  The marching Chinese bring dish after dish to his table. Yada yada, he’s dead and in hell — but one of those TZ hells where you get too much of a good thing.  He is sentenced to having Chinese food brought to him, which is a deal a lot of Chinese people would take.

Gould was surprisingly good in this.  Most weeks this segment might have grated a little bit.  The first two segments in this episode built up considerable goodwill, though.  It would just be churlish to point out he was damned to hell for a fake news story.  Even Brian Williams got another chance.

I rate it #18.

tzmisfortunecookie4Post-Post:

  • Classic TZ Roots:  A Nice Place to Visit also had a very hospitable hell.
  • Trivia:  Note in the beginning when Gould’s co-worker says the word “exposes” something flies out of his mouth.  Note also that when Gould begins typing his review, he has a keyboard, but no screen.
  • Gould’s tombstone at the end charitably trims 10 years off his age.
  • The ending narration says he is a man “for whom the phrase Dim Sum is not merely a description, but a damnation.”  I have no idea what they were going for there.

Twilight Zone – The Little People of Killany Woods (01/03/86)

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tzlittlepeople1Liam O’Shaughnessy (hereafter known as Liam unless I CTL-H his ass) comes running into O’Kelly’s Pub. He is excited that the good lord has seen fit for him to bear witness to the titular Little People in Killany Forest. As Liam’s portrayer is 5’2″ Hamilton Camp, they must be some wee peeps indeed.

He was in the forest and saw a strange glow.  He discovered the fabled Little People, not over 3 feet tall, working “like cockroaches” under a giant mushroom.  He waxes on and on until Mike O’Mulvaney lives my dream, tells the Clavinesque patron to shut the hell up, and tosses him out the door.

His friend Eddie helps him up.  Liam says he still has his pride and walks off “to the only real friends I got.”  I guess he is referring to the Little People who he never saw before today, and who he just called cockroaches.  Mike sees him stop by O’Dell’s Hardware. After Liam leaves with a box, Mike visits O’Dell and bullies him into revealing Liam bought a bunch of building supplies and paid with a strange triangular gold coin.

Mike continues his search for Liam.  He first goes to the rooming house here Liam lives. Mrs. O’Finnegan tells him Liam said, “They was waiting” and gave her a triangular gold coin and slipped out the back door.

tzlittlepeople2Mike has just been an obnoxious jerk up until now.  He has been stalking Liam and spoke to his contacts menacingly.  Finding out Liam has a pocket full of gold, however, turns him into a full-fledged gangster.  He finds Liam in the woods and like a cartoon villain somehow gets ahead of him.  He confronts Liam with a big stick and demands payment of his debt,  Liam says the money is not his, he’s just shopping for the Little People.  He gives Mike a triangular coin anyhoo, but Mike wants it all.

Liam warns him, “the gold don’t last for those the Little People don’t like” and hands it over.  He is able to knock Mike aside and take off running.  Liam jumps over a fallen tree into a brightly lit area.  Mike leaps over the fallen tree, and I just can’t reveal what happens next.  Suffice it to say, TZ is on a roll this week.  Some of the segment was iffy, but it fully redeemed itself.

Good stuff.

I see the next segment contains one of the worst actors in the world, however, I am actually optimistic.

Post-Post:

  • Written and directed by J.D. Feigelson.  He had previously adapted The Burning Man, and also wrote the TV cult classic Dark Night of the Scarecrow.  Sadly, he seems to be out of the business, or in a real dry spell.