Smuggler’s Island – Atwater Culpepper (1935)

sascoverYou give me four characters in the first three minutes, I’m lost unless their last name is Marx. Let’s get the dramatis personae out of the way: Eileen Curtis, Terry Dale, Dan Mayo [1] & Marcia Mayo.

Our cast is actually cast-aways from a liner that exploded three days earlier.  They awaken on the beach and in only a sentence or two, we get a feel for their personalities.

  • Eileen’s “white dress was hunched up about her hips, and below it extended snagged stockings, water-soaked lace, dangling garters.” So she is the hottie, and if the first seven stories are any guide, she is soon to be topless.
  • Terry Dale’s “face was crusted with salt and blistered with the torturing afternoon sun.  Searing agony seared through his wracked muscles.”  So despite his double girl names, he is the muscular, tough-guy hero and likely beneficiary of Eileen’s toplessness.
  • Dan Mayo is using their few miraculously surviving matches to light a cigarette instead of, say, a signal fire.  “They’re my matches and if there are any good ones left in the lot, I’m going to keep ’em.”  So he’s the jerk — you know, because he smokes.
  • Marcia Mayo seems much more likable than her husband:  “Down on her knees, she blew lustily.”  Actually she is being intelligent and resourceful, trying to start a small fire with the cigarette Terry knocked out of Mayo’s mouth.

On board the ship, Dale had lost a bundle to Mayo playing poker.  Once Dale caught Mayo cheating, there was a scuffle.  Marcia had tried to warn Dale.  Her effort was misinterpreted by Eileen who pulled off the engagement ring Dale had given her.

Marcia’s resourcefulness continues as she catches a crab for dinner.  Mayo does the manly thing — i.e. diminishes his wife’s achievement and takes credit.  Marcia soldiers on and pulls a metal clasp from her garter.  She gives it to Dale to fashion into a fishing hook because Mayo would just turn it into a roach-clip and use up more matches. I give credit to Eileen, though, for gamely chasing down more crabs.

After catching a couple of fish, Dale decides to explore the island.  None of the others leap up to join him, but Marcia does later catch up to him.  She finds that her clothes are being ripped up by the trek through the jungle, so gamely strips down to bra and panties to continue.  I have misjudged Marcia as she is the first to be topless.  She and Dale begin forming an alliance right there on a rock.  Unfortunately, Eileen and Mayo decided to follow them after all.

That night, Dale hears voices but doesn’t see anyone.  The next morning, he finds footprints and a cigar stub.  Down the beach, he sees a disturbance in the sand.  Dale begins digging and finds a bundle containing drugs.  Mayo is ready to destroy them, but Dale wisely points out that the men who left them might be back.

They do indeed come back three days later.  Eileen and Dale are able to circle back and board their boat.  In getting to the boat, Eileen’s sheer, wet bra splits open, airing out the last remaining breasts on the island. so the story is really over anyway. Yada, yada, the Coast Guard shows up, or maybe it is the Navy, and captures the smugglers.

Another quaint little story, but nothing special.  C’mon, I paid $.99 for this collection!

Post-Post:

  • [1] Off topic, but Zack Mayo can go to hell.  When Sgt. Foley breaks him and he screams “I got nowhere else to go”, why isn’t he tossed out immediately?  This is treated as some sort of revelation, a turning point in his character.  In reality, this is like telling your wife you settled for her because you couldn’t do any better.
  • First published in April 1935 — like most of these stories.  Either this was the most lazily curated anthology in history or April 1935 was the 1939 of pulp.
  • Yet another story mentioning step-ins.  They must have been all the rage in the 30’s.
  • Thunder Island

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Tea Time (12/14/58)

Hat, hat.

Iris Teleton and Blanche Herbert meet in a tea room that has by far the largest number of extras ever seen in this series; or customers in a tea room.  I hope the guys over at bare bones take a look at this episode so I can find out what the hell was going on.  One possibility, judging from the head-wear, is that it was filmed during the Bad Hat Convention of 1958.

Blanch has asked Iris to meet her here.  Iris immediately tells Blanche that she knows she has been having an affair with her husband.  Iris doesn’t seem too upset by this — she orders tea and macaroons.  Iris says she is just surprised that her husband did not hook up with someone younger.  This is interesting as Blanche is five years older than Iris (at least in the actor’s ages).

Blanche tells Iris that Oliver is in love with her.  She suggests that Iris can’t want to stay in this loveless marriage.  She promises a quiet divorce and that she and Oliver would wait a respectable length of time before marrying so as to avoid any embarrassment. Iris takes this exceptionally well and says she is shocked at Oliver’s indiscretion.  She is willing to tolerate Oliver having an affair and even setting Blanche up in a little apartment; she even picks up the check.  She has no intention of divorcing Oliver, though.

ahpteatime2

Maitre d’, hat.

As Iris is walking out, Blanche plays her trump card — Robert Cressant.  This finally gets Iris’s attention.  Blanche claims to have a letter that Iris wrote to Cressant.  This time they order a couple of scotches. [1]  Iris wrote to him the day before her wedding that she did not love Oliver but was marrying him for a fancy house and hat money.  She assured Cressant that they could go on seeing each other behind Oliver’s back.

Blanche is giving Iris a chance to divorce Oliver without her showing him the letter.  That way, she says Iris can get something out of the divorce.  Interesting that the fact that Oliver is also having an affair is irrelevant.

ahpteatime1

Hat, hat.

Iris goes home to Oliver.  She suggests they go away together.  He suggests that maybe she could go alone with friends.  The next morning, she surreptitiously cuts a button off of his coat sleeve.  After Oliver goes to work, she calls Blanche and they agree they will meet at Blanche’s apartment at 4 pm.

Iris offers to buy the letter.  Being pre-Xerox, this would prevent Blanche from showing Oliver the letter after they are married.  Blanche notes that this would cause any settlement with Iris to be set-aside.  So apparently this was pre-Lawyer also.  Iris produces several pieces of jewelry as payment.  Blanche demands another $26,000 and gives Iris half of the letter as security.  All this is pointless, though, as Iris shoots Blanche with Oliver’s gun and plants the button as evidence.

ahpteatime3

Hat, hat, hat, hat.

Iris goes to Oliver’s office.  She overhears Oliver talking on the phone to a PI named Harper who saw her go to Blanche’s apartment.  She also hears that Oliver already knew about Cressant and has the original letter in his safe.  He hangs up with Harper and speaks to someone unseen in his office.  He tells her that he could never have married Blanche, but she was well-compensated to pull this ruse.  A blonde floozy comes out of Oliver’s office and Iris realizes it was all for nothing.

It was very clever to include the conversation with Harper in the script.  Otherwise, Iris would still be in good shape — Blanche dead and her husband in jail.

ahpteatime6

Hat, hat, hat, hat, Maitre d’, hat.

Post-Post:

  • [1] The drinks brought to them must be Crystal Scotch as they are clear. Also, the drinks are served in tumblers.  I thought I was the only one to drink scotch like that.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  Marsha Hunt is still with us.
  • Fritz Feld was also credited as Maitre d’ in Amazing Stories, History of the World Part 1, Silent Movie, The Odd Couple, Way Way Out, Herbie Rides Again, The Patsy, Paris Playboys, and Skylark.  He also played an insanely long list of waiters.

The Moon God Takes – Robert Leslie Bellem (1936)

sascoverThis is the third story I’ve read by Bellem, and I’ve enjoyed all of them.  Even though the three are each very different, this one stands apart. Blood for the Vampire Dead was just as matter-of-fact as the title suggests.  The Shanghai Jester had the same stripped-down prose but with a noirish detective flavor to it.  The Moon God Takes is more romantic and has literary pretensions that the others don’t even hint at.  I was caught off-guard, but it hooked me.  The ending regresses to the mean, but it is still fun.

John Salvar is watching a woman dancing naked in the moonlight before a large grey rock. She reminds him of his late girlfriend Helen.  “Hungry he was for the lovely dancing girl . . . Strange, weird unearthly was the girl’s dance.”  If there is a deleted scene of Yoda at a titty-cantina, this would be his dialogue.

Salvar had lived in the cottage on the cliff for a year and had never noticed the big rock. Who is the woman who seems to him like a Moon-Goddess?  And not just when she has her back to him.

He watches her dancing naked before the stone for an hour before approaching her with some singles. He asks her name and she replies, “My name?  I have no name.  I dance in the moonlight. I belong to the Moon-God.”  Salvar says he is a sculptor.  She says she wishes she were a sculptor so she could carve the large stone to look like the Moon-God.

Salvar offers to sculpt the stone into the Moon-God for her if she will come live with him in his cottage.  Since Salvar has never seen the Moon-God, the girl directs his sculpting. Salvar begins chipping away the stone, but discovers it feels like he is carving flesh.  He is repulsed, but the girl strips naked and threatens to leave, so he continues.

Days later, when he finishes the sculpture, he steps back.  “My God!  It’s foul!  It’s monstrous!  It’s blasphemy!”   It sounds like a modern art masterpiece, but Salvar tries to destroy it.  The girl stops him.  When she tells him that the Moon-God is actually Satan, “maggots of horror ate into his heart.”  She strips naked again and he is suddenly cool with the devil-worshipping.  That’s her answer to everything — her excellent, excellent answer.

At midnight, Salvar awakens to see the girl in the scaly arms of the Moon-God.  She will be his mate unless Salvar confesses that he killed Helen five years earlier.  He agrees, writes a confession and flings himself off the cliff to save the girl.

The twist is that the girl is actually Helen’s sister.  She created this elaborate ruse so that Salvar would confess his crime and finally face punishment for murdering her sister. Her husband Ted was a good sport by pretending to be the Moon-God.  Also by allowing his wife to dance naked in the moonlight for hours, to strip naked repeatedly, and to bang Salvar. [1]

What baffles me is why the stone felt like flesh as he carved it.  Was it just his imagination?  Was he flashing back to carving Helen up like a roast when he disposed of the body?

Another fun story in this collection.

Post-Post:

  • [1] There is a similar scenario in Bellem’s Blood for the Vampire Dead where a man is pretty forgiving of his wife being abducted, stripped naked and used as bait.
  • First published in December 1936.
  • Also that month:  Mary Tyler Moore born.
  • Actually, in some alternate R-rated universe, this would have been a good role for MTM.

Twilight Zone S4 – The Incredible World of Horace Ford (04/18/63)

Horace Ford is sitting at his drafting table where a mouse is running in circles.  I’m not sure if we’re supposed to see the little string, but I love it.  Phillip Pine walks in and Horace shoots him with a cap pistol. Horace is a toy designer and seems never to have grown up.  It’s one thing to toss out great ideas like Tom Hanks in Big; it is another to actually have put together budgets, put them into production and hire union thugs to make them.

Horace’s boss brings in his design for a new robot (pronounce robe-it in 1963).  It is just too expensive with the eyes lighting up and other features.  Horace is irate, pouting, screaming, throwing a tantrum.  Grow up, for God’s sake!  You’re making toys, not running for President!

At home, he stomps around like a big baby with interminable stories about when he was 10 years old.  He goes back to see his old childhood home on Randolph Street.  Clothes seem to be sold on the sidewalk, the Dept of Sanitation hoses down the street, “Wienees” are $.03 each.  He sees some bullies stealing melons and recognizes them as kids from his childhood.  One of the urchins actually follows Horace home and hands over a watch that Horace dropped to his wife.

tzhoraceford07He tells a friend at work about the kids he saw and about a Mickey Mouse watch he had 20 years earlier.  It’s close, but damn if they weren’t introduced exactly 20 years before this aired. At dinner that night, he tries to tell the same old stories to his wife and mother.  He goes on and on about his childhood and a friend who used to say “Shakespeare, sock in the ear,” then tweaks his wife’s ear.  She is horrified, but not as much as if he had tried the old “Titty Twister.”  His wife and mother are aghast at his childish shenanigans.

His wife tells him that it is impossible that he saw his old friends on Randolph street, but he bellows on and on about these goddamn kids.  Christ what a blowhard!  He runs out again to see his little pals on Randolph Street.  He sees exactly the same people and events that he saw on that street earlier.  Again that night, one of the kids brings a a watch to Horace’s wife.

tzhoraceford09Horace gets fired for neglecting his job.  His mother reacts by yelling at him about her needs.  At least his wife tells her to beat it.  Jesus Christ, he just won’t stop his infantile whining about having to go to work to support his wife and mother while his little friends are playing.

He goes back to Randolph Street. He sees the same water truck and hot dog vendor.  His little friends are still stealing melons off the cart.  He follows the boys, but unlike the other people on Randolph Street, they don’t seem to see him.  Then he transforms into his 10 year old self, and there is something about a birthday party.  Little Horace seems like a bit of a dandy as he is wearing a tie (not even the same one he was wearing as an adult), and suddenly has long blonde hair while his friends are dressed in ragged t-shirts and sweatshirts.  So his “pals” kick his ass.

The kid brings back his watch again, but this time it is a Mickey Mouse watch.  His wife goes to Randolph Street to find him.  When she gets there, it is a vacant city street. She finds 10-year old Horace in an alley.  She looks away, and he becomes overgrown baby Horace again.  She tells him that we all block out bad memories and just remember the good times.

Really, they couldn’t find one kid with black hair to cast?

This is easily the worst episode of season 4, and a low-point of the series.  Not only has the past-is-better thing been done to death on TZ, Pat Hingle’s performance is just unbearable. The sole redeeming bit of the episode is that as Horace and his wife walk away, one of the kids is straddling a street lamp watching them.  It makes no sense in the context of the episode, but it is a fun visual.

Post-Post:

  • This turd just won’t flush.  It aired in 1955 as part of Studio One, in 1960 as part of Encounter, in 1963 as part of The Twilight Zone and in 1969 as Cudesan Svet Horasa.  For the viewers’ sake, I can only hope that Art Carney, Alan Young or Pavle Bogatincevic was not as awful as Pat Hingle.
  • Nan Martin (Laura) is almost Zelig-like in how she shows up in small but memorable roles.  She was Freddy Krueger’s mother, the owner of Drew Carey’s store, Tom Hanks’ almost-mother-in-law in Cast Away, Deanna Troi’s almost-mother-in-law in Star Trek TNG, and the hot nurse’s evil doppelganger in Shallow Hal.  To be fair, she was pretty great here.
  • Vaughn Taylor (Judson) was in 5 episodes of TZ — no credited actor had more.  Sadly he had none in season 2 and doubled up in season 3, so did not act for the cycle.  He was just in Tales of Tomorrow yesterday.
  • Pat Hingle (Horace) was Commissioner Gordon in the 1980’s Batman movies.
  • Written by Reginald Rose, author of the revered 12 Angry Men where Henry Fonda convinces 11 other jurors to allow a murderer to go free to terrorize his neighborhood and those who testified against him.

tzhoraceford17

Hot Blood – Arthur Wallace (1935)

sascoverI like how we get the authentic flavor of the location by Wallace dropping isolated spanish words into the first few paragraphs — mantillas, senoritas, pica, picador, banderilleros, matador. I could have done without horse being gored by the bull.  But I guess, if you’re going to root for anyone at a bullfight, it’s going to be the bull. The horse is kind of an innocent bystander, though.

A bugle sounded from the president’s box and four banderilleros moved out to place the gaily colored darts between the bull’s shoulder-blades.  It was short and graceful work and when they were done, the beast stood in the center of the ring, four barbed poles, festooned with bright ribbons, dangling from his withers. The crowd applauded as another bugle call rang out.  It was the signal for Diego, the matador, to make his entrance for the kill.

What a bunch of assholes.  If Wallace wants to drop in some Spanish lingo, how about pendejo.

Manuel Rivero is understandably pissed at his fiancee Alicia’s admiration of Diego.

Her hands were cupped about her breasts, fingers digging into resilient flesh with inordinate passion.  As the matador’s sword flashed in the sun, only to be buried hilt deep in the hump of muscle behind the beast’s neck, a long sigh escaped her lips and electric shocks of delirious intensity whipped through her body, shaking her to the very core of all sensation.

After Manuel goes to bed that night, Alicia calls Diego and invites herself to his hotel room. As his current squeeze Josita is “getting fat and disgusting” he agrees.  Diego treats women like he treats bulls — when Alicia arrives, he smacks Josita, calls her a whore and throws her out of his room.

Josita is not thrilled with this treatment.  She recognizes the socialite Alicia, so she runs to inform her fiance Manuel of her booty call.  Manuel and Josita return to Diego’s room where Manuel plans to kill Diego with his bare hands.

Manuel and Diego begin fighting.  Josita is rooting for Manuel because of the way Diego treated her.  Alicia is ready to stick a blade in Diego for the way he treats the bulls. Unfortunately the house staff is on team-Diego and overcomes Manuel.  Josita says the men have taken Alicia to the home of Don Miguel so they hit the road in pursuit.

At casa de Miguel, Diego puts Josita in the bull ring where she is killed.  Manuel is to be killed next, but Alicia jumps into the ring.  She tears off her red dress, exposing her “naked figure” shakes it to distract the bull — the dress, not her figure.  The bull runs by her and spots Diego and his men.  Sensing that Diego ain’t no PETA member, the bull gores Diego and his men.

Manuel grabs Alicia and puts her in a carriage to go back to Madrid, presumably still naked. Well good luck on that relationship.  First Alicia is drooling over the matador, and goes to his hotel room. Then she is so fickle that she sides with Manuel in a fight because the bullfighter is cruel to bulls.

Another Spanish word Wallace might have chosen to drop in: Loco.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Spicy Adventures, April 1935.  This is the third story from that issue.  It must have been realllly good.  Or in the public domain.  Yeah, that second thing, I think.
  • Fifth consecutive story to mention step-ins.