It Follows (2014)

itfollows0120 minutes of previews?

First, we are treated to the wholly unnecessary remake of Poltergeist, a movie that was almost perfect in its original incarnation.  We see several of the same exact same beats — the houses built over the cemetery, the clown, the ghostbuster, the hands on the TV, the killer tree.  I can’t see this through the eyes of an 18 year old, but to anyone who saw the original back in the day, this preview pales on almost every point; and pales literally, since it is so dark.

Much of the success of the original was that it was constructed on sunny days, a new neighborhood, clean streets,and with a happy family with 2.5 kids — it was the Stephen King / Richard Matheson horror-in-our-own-neighborhood concept.  Everything in this trailer goes for the cliched dark motif. The “harmless” toy clown is now sports an evil smirk, the new home is described as a fixer-upper, even the absolutely radiant blonde original Carol Anne is now a brunette.

And JoBeth Williams might have been the first MILF, even before there was an acronym for the phenomena.  No one who enjoyed the original can be looking forward to this.

Insidious was fun.  Insidious 2 was fun, but got a little too busy in the final act.  Insidious 3 does not look like fun.  Like the Poltergeist remake, all of the scares in the trailer are cheap jump-scares.  And, for the love of God, can we have one movie that Lin Shaye is not in?  OK, she’s not in Poltergeist, but she has 10 movies in 2015 so far in IMDb.  Give someone else a chance.

On the other hand, Unfriended is not a sequel, looks like a low-budget joint and I didn’t recognize a single person in it.  Yet, miraculously, I actually got several real chills from its preview, and not a single goose-bump from the other two.  Maybe it will be crap, but it is the only one I could care less about seeing.

Each of these trailers was not 6+ minutes long, so there must have been others, but they were so uninteresting that I have forgotten them a few hours later.

And, hey Regal Cinema — no one cares about your nagging, product-placement-loaded roller coaster.  Yes, texters should be killed — I think we can all agree on that — but you’re just delaying the movie another minute.

And now our feature presentation . . .

itfollows02After seeing the film, I read many interpretations of It Follows.  I don’t know that I really subscribe to any of them.  Is it a metaphor for adolescence?  For a budding young love affair?  For an STD?  Does the water represent innocence?  Don’t know, don’t care.

We are thrust into the narrative immediately as we see a girl run from her house in a snappy lingerie set and spiked heels.  How this ensemble was put put together is not explained, but is worthy of later reflection by the viewer.  Her father comes after her, but she runs back into the house, presumably to get car keys as Victoria’s Secret still refuses to put pockets in their panties.  She ends up at the beach, dead with a leg bent at the knee — the wrong way.

After having the sex with Jay in the backseat of a car, Hugh chloroforms her and ties her to a chair. He explains to her and to us that he has passed along a curse (although that word is never used, so thank God no one is trotting out the menstruation metaphor again).  A thing is now going to follow her, but must never be allowed to catch her.  Only she and previous owners of the curse can see this thing which can take the form of anyone.  It is not clear why he ties her to a chair to make his point, as he does untie her and take her home (i.e. dumps her in the street) when the thing arrives.

The bulk of the movie is the very slow Michael Myers / Walking Dead speed pursuit of Jay (who is a teenage girl, BTW), sometimes across many miles of country.  The relentlessness of the pursuit provides an over-arching suspense, and periodic battles with the thing provide some good scares and action.  Like the Terminator, it absolutely will not stop until Jay is dead; or passes the curse to someone else via sex.  And once Jay is dead, it will go back up the food-chain and kill Hugh.

The thing always shows up in the form of a person and only visible to Jay.  On the first sighting, it is a completely naked woman.  Other times, the thing takes the form of other women and men, some of which Jay recognizes.  Kind of like er . . . The Thing.  So the suspense is heightened — as in Paranormal Activity — by the viewer constantly being on the lookout for anyone in the background who could become a threat.

The viewer is also subtly kept off-balance by the indeterminate time of the film.  Like the hatch in Lost which had an eclectic mixture of new appliances and 1970s stereo, there are conflicting signals.  The cars all seen to be old family trucksters, but one girl seems to be reading from a clam-shell Kindle.  Or maybe it is a cell-phone — if it is, it is the only cell-phone in the movie and is never used as one.

All of this keeps the viewer constantly on edge, and makes for a great experience. There is some wailing and moaning about a couple of scenes or unanswered questioned, but are you going to obsess over details, or have a good time?

Highly recommended.

Post-Post:

  • Despite all the references to other titles above, I never once felt like this was unoriginal.
  • For some reason I can’t figure out, the thing frequently shows up totally or partially naked.  This is not as good as it sounds as it rarely takes the form of anyone you want to see naked.  Especially the naked guy standing on the roof — to be fair, he does thankfully appear to be wearing a Speedo, or is maybe is in desperate need of some manscaping.
  • I took an immediate dislike to the score other than in the set-pieces.  It seems to be praised everywhere else, though, so I am willing to chalk that up to a tin ear.

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Utterly Perfect Murder (S5E6)

rbtutterlyperfect30You put a moniker like that on an episode, and you better have some special in store.

Young piano prodigy Doug Spaulding is being chased through the woods by bullies.  This is intercut with telephone calls he made to his chief tormentor over the years since.  On his 21st birthday, he calls Ralph and says, “Hello Ralph.  Is this Ralph Underhill?”  Ralph says, “Yes,” and Doug hangs up the phone.  He does it again on his 40th birthday, or maybe we are supposed to believe this is an annual occurrence.

On his 60th birthday, Doug, now a famous composer has something bigger in mind. Doug does not make the usual call that day, but the next morning goes to a locked cabinet in his garage where he keep momentos of the times that Ralph bullied him.

rbtutterlyperfect17He goes downstairs and sees the mess from the party and says, “When was the armistice signed?” His nameless, uncredited wife replies in a complete non-sequitur, “The world will little note, nor long remember” from Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.  Is this how smart people talk in the morning?  I’m more used to, “You owe me an extra $50 for that last thing.”

She hands him a bottle of Worcestershire sauce and he pours about 1 molecule into a Bloody Mary before taking a sip.

When he says, “I must arise and go now,” she replies from the same Yeats poem, “but not to a bee-loud Glade.”  Christ, these people make Frasier & Niles look like the Clampetts. He tells no-name that he is going to Chicago, but he actually packs a small bag with the toys — and a non-toy gun — and goes to pay a visit to Ralph.  At this point, after 40 years of calls, Ralph must be mystified why this year, it was one day late.

rbtutterlyperfect26On the way, he recalls other humiliations from his youth, having a big marble thrown in the creek, being afraid to throw rocks at a house, being roughed up, being tied to a tree.  Ralph tells him, “You will never belong anywhere!  Just look me up when you’re old and gray and I’ll remind you!”  So he has held on to that for 40 years despite having a nice home home, a thriving career and a wife with no name.

He stops by his childhood home for a few more bad memories.  The boys thought he was weird for practicing the piano so much and winning competitions.  The slicked back hair and shirt buttoned to the top probably didn’t help either.  Not quite sad enough, he marches into the woods to the tree where Ralph had tied him up once.

That night he goes to Ralph’s house and sets up the toys — the non-lethal ones — on his porch.  He rings the bell and Ralph answers the door.  Doug seems shocked as he looks Ralph up and down.  Of course he has gotten older, just like Doug.  Is there some point  to him not wearing shoes?  He was just at home watching TV.  Maybe it is just seeing him that takes Doug back.  He reaches into his pocket for the gun, but hesitates when Ralph sees the toys.

rbtutterlyperfect49Ralph kneels to see the toys, and Doug points his finger at him, “Bang, you’re dead.” As Doug walks away, Ralph just calls after him, “Doug, is that you?”

Doug goes back to the tree where he was tied up and inexplicably sleeps there for the night.  The next morning he goes back to his old house and summons “young Doug” to stop practicing and go out and play.  In his mind, he sees black & white young Doug head off to the woods across the street.

Thus potentially sabotaging his professional success, and proving Ralph right in an alternate timeline.

rbtutterlyperfect54Post-Post:

  • Title Analysis:  What murder?  In the words of Sidney Wang, “Killed good weekend.”
  • Two women have speaking roles but are not credited on screen or on IMDb.
  • Young Doug (David Turri) has no other IMDb credits.  I’m assuming that is Young Doug, IMDb doesn’t even name his character.  There is an author by that name at Amazon, who has a New Zealand connection, but the age doesn’t seem to work out.

Horns (2013)

horns01Ignatius Perrish awakens and the crowd of reporters has already gathered around his house, asking him how it feels to get away with the murder of his girlfriend Merrin.  He threads through them alone (not having a friend like Robert Kardashian) and gets into his red AMC Gremlin.

There is a candlelight vigil for Merrin at the treehouse where she was raped and killed. Unknown to them, Ig is watching from above in the treehouse.  After the crowd leaves, he descends and takes a whiz on the flowers and candles.

The next morning, he begins growing the titular horns.  The skank he spent the night with begins acting crazy.  She seems cool with the horns, and also has a strange obsession for donuts, stuffing her face into the box; which might have just been payback for the previous night.

The horns also have an effect on a screeching kid in the doctor’s office.  The mother admits she’d like to kick her kid’s ass, or just drive off and leave her there.  Then she feels compelled to tell Ig that she is having an affair with her “jigboo” golf pro, and it’s true what they say about black cock.  She seems to think it is clever to call it her “5-iron.” While iron is certainly an admirable adjective, I’m not sure her golf pro would appreciate the five reference.  8  or 9-iron would be impressive, but they are ironically known as the “short irons.”

horns03Ig grabs the mother’s hand and has a Johnny Smith moment, seeing flashes from her life, mostly consisting of the golf pro humping her from behind.  Even her daughter is affected by the horns, saying she wants to get matches and set mommy’s bed on fire. Good luck finding a dry spot.  Even the nurse and doctor get a little crazy.

As he drifts off under the anesthetic, he remembers back to his youth, blowing up cherry bombs.  On a dare, he rides a shopping cart down a coal chute, and ends up almost drowning under some logs.  And meeting young Mirren.  They go to the treehouse, have their first kiss, and in a unfortunate edit, if you happen to reach for a beer at the right time, 13-year-old Mirren seems to get naked.  I did have to rewind it to realize their was a 5 year flash-forward that I missed.  When Ig wakes up, his doctor is humping the nurse.

horns07This goes on with very revealing embarrassing and uncomfortable truths thanks to the horns.  Ig finally wises up and uses his truth-inducing horns to learn what really happened to Mirren.  Along the way, he learns he has another talent involving snakes.

Using these new skills leads to some great scenes, great twists & surprises, and a couple of times where I actually gave an audible “whoa!”

Strangely, with a lot going for it, the movie the movie, as a whole, didn’t entirely work for me, but I’m not sure why.  Daniel Radcliffe is adequate,but nothing more.  The tone is a little too meandering even for a horror/comedy.  Definitely a thumbs-up, but less than the sum of its parts.  And there are some great parts.

It did make me want to read the book though

horns06Post-Post:

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Together (S3E15)

ahptogether06It is the office Christmas Party, and being 1958, it is still called a Christmas Party (and even though this aired in mid-January).  Presents are being exchanged, everyone is smoking like a chimney with care, and men are making general louts of themselves.

While everyone else is having fun, Shelly is trying to get through to her boyfriend Tony Gould (Joseph Cotton) on the phone.  She gives up and goes into the boss’s office to use his phone. She finally gets him and asks if he has already told his wife about them, because a few days before Christmas really would be the ideal time.  Gould assures Shelly that everything is all set for them to be together.  He tells Shelly he will pick her up at the office.

Once at the office, Gould suggests welllllll, maybe he should stay with his wife a little while longer . . . maybe after her annual trip downtown.  Actually, Gould’s arguments for waiting all involve his wife’s feelings.  That seems to anger Shelly even more.  Finally, fed up with Gould’s dithering, she picks up the phone with him standing there and calls his wife to break the news herself.  Gould, quite reasonably, stabs her.

When he tries to unlock the office door, he breaks the key off in the lock.  He checks an internal office window, but there are bars on it — that must be a rough crowd.  He tries another window, but it is three stories up.

This is what I appreciate about AHP — I know locked-room mysteries are a distinct genre, but I’m not sure how many of them involve the murderer actually being locked in.  Someday I am going to order that big-ass book of locked-room mysteries (if I ever finish that big-ass book of pulp stories).

Gould calls his buddy Charles.  He tells Charles that Shelly has passed out and he is locked in the office.  Despite being drunk, Charles says he will be right over.

Gould finally gets the attention of a woman in the window across the alley and asks her to call a locksmith.  It is clear that Sir Alfred did not direct this one as surely he would have put a hottie across the alley like Miss Torso in Rear Window.  Gould is acting so creepy, though, she actually calls the police.  Seeing the police questioning her across the alley,

ahptogether20

Shockingly, this guy died at 28. More shockingly, he was only 26 in this episode.

Gould puts on Shelly’s boss’s coat and glasses, hoping to escape in disguise when the cops inevitably arrive.

The police kick the door in and the ruse works as he leads them out of the office. They are about to leave when Gould’s drunk friend Charlie finally shows up.  Just as Gould was about to get away with murder, Charlie staggers past the group, presumably looking for a place to throw up.  He goes into the bathroom and finds Shelly’s dead body.

 

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  One Survivor.
  • Directed by Robert Altman.
  • For a more in-depth look at the story, performers and production, head over to bare bones ezine.

Mr. Jones (2013)

mrjones02I’m not sure I can be unbiased.  I started watching Cam2Cam and got so bored in the first 5 minutes that I had to bail — and I never do that.  Switching to Mr. Jones, in the first 15 seconds, I had a fun couple who don’t seem to hate each other, and even more rare, I didn’t hate them.  It banked about 20 minutes of goodwill immediately.  It would need them later.

Scott and Penny are on a road trip, and I am encouraged by the fact that they are lost. How quaint, to be lost on a paved road in daylight in the age of GPS.  The next morning, they arrive at their destination, a cabin not quite in the woods, but in a rural area.  I am again encouraged by a title card which says “DAY 1” as that always means the characters are going to start ramping up (or is it down) to Hell in a day or two.

The first day starts pleasantly enough with a lot of magic-hour photography, heavenly choir type music, and philosophical questions from Scott.  They have come to the woods for a year to “work on their relationship,” or was it to make a documentary?  I feel vindicated in fleeing Cam2Cam.

Frankly, this did not pan out as I had hoped.

Frankly, this did not pan out as I had hoped.

DAY 51 — wait, what?  That’s quite a leap.  Scott tells Penny that he stopped taking his meds, but we never learn what they were.  Possibly some of the last act could be attributed to that, but it really only seems to cloud an ending that wasn’t sky-blue to begin with.  Penny starts nagging him that she gave up everything to come out here with him, and he better start working on that documentary.  Maybe he just ran out of of meds, having doubled up listening to 51 days of that shit.

They do manage to get to sleep — in the same Queen size bed, so things aren’t too bad yet — but are awakened by noises downstairs.  Turns out to be birds flying into the side of the house and occasionally breaking through a window.

The next morning, Scott is giving a Survivor-style confessional to the camera, in the background we see a black-clothed figure steal his pack.  Going in search of the pack, they discover another house is near theirs.  Getting no answer, they go in and find a very junky house with parts of walls and the ceiling missing.  Luckily Scott has a special camera that can film both frontward and backward.  On the upside, we should never miss anything; on the downside, lots of distorted super close-ups of his face.

mrjones21Scott discovers a cellar door and asks Penny to be his lookout.  Scott quickly finds his pack, but now it is Penny that wants to stick around and look at the grotesque figures handing in the cellar.  Naturally the owner comes back, but they are able to escape.  Penny recognizes the figures as being the work of the reclusive artist Mr. Jones.  Penny compares it to living next door to JD Salinger or Banksy.  You know, if they lived in hovels and created creepy scarecrows out of branches and parts of animals.  Who’s to say there isn’t a first draft called Butcher in the Rye under Salingers’s floorboards?

Scott goes back to NYC and starts interviewing scholars and critics about Mr. Jones for the documentary.  Over the years, nine random people have received packages from Mr. Jones containing his artwork.  Those receiving the gifts seem to have nothing in common, but the works are valued in the six figures.

Penny stays in the woods, taking pictures of Mr. Jones works which are hanging from trees in the woods.  As Penny takes pictures, he creeps up behind her.  She asks him for an interview but is startled when he looks a little like one of his scarecrows.

When Scott comes back from New York, they discuss a plan to break into the cellar again to film.  I’m not sure why just knocking on the guy’s door is not an option.  The scarecrows are gone from the woods.  Scott returns to the basement and discovers another sub-basement.  He finds chambers with burning scarecrows, but has lost walkie-talkie contact with Penny.

mrjones34Scott finally finds his way out of the basement and goes back tom their house which has been decorated with scarecrows.  They decide to make a run for it in the morning, but by 9:30, it still is not light.

The old night never becoming day trope is one of my favorites, but it just does nothing for me here.  I leads into a very ambiguous final act which could be hallucinations, the supernatural, the missing meds?  The overlapping dialogue, callbacks to earlier scenes, and light shows are really in service of nothing.

Frankly, they would have been better off keeping it simple and making the sub-basement with the flaming dolls and shifting passageways be the final act.

There was one interesting concept, that Mr. Jones was actually a protector rather than the real threat.  Again, though, not enough, was done with this theory to even make it a good thought experiment.

So, decent couple, nice set-up, huge let-down in the final act.  The potential was there, though.

Post-Post:

  • From the writer of The Divide, which I don’t remember hating.