Night Gallery – Fright Night (S3E3)

Tom & Leona Ogilvy pull up to the house left to him by his late cousin Zachariah.  More importantly, there is a new Queen of Night Gallery. Sorry, Joanna Pettet, Barbara Anderson as Leona is unbelievably hot.  There is nothing that could make this a less than average episode as long as she is in it.

The crabby housekeeper Miss Patience starts their tour in the attic.  Tom becomes interested in a large chest, but Miss Patience tells him Zachariah’s last words were that the chest was “not to be moved, and under no circumstances is it to be opened.”  Also, that someone would be coming for it.

ngfrightnight18Tom redecorates the attic to be his writing workspace since Starbucks had not yet been invented.  One day as he is working, the light dims and the chest begins moving and levitating.  Normally a bouncy and gravity-defying chest is a good thing, not so much here.

That night, it possesses Tom so that he is summoned from bed to the attic without him recalling it.  During a storm, it also types a message on his typewriter.  The next morning, Tom finds the message.  He calls Leona up to read it.

For it must come to pass that a young woman shall with a white liquid scalding hot pressed to her lips and thence forced down her throat on a Sabbath day night be executed by the young man, her everlasting soul in forfeit.

ngfrightnight23He accuses Leona of writing it, but finally decides some kids broke in and typed it as a prank.  He tells Leona, “Get ye to the scullery.”  She sees the chest rocking, but doesn’t think it worth mentioning.

The next day, Leona has the chest hauled away to a warehouse.  Not having the chest there is as disturbing to Tom as actually having it there.  He has trouble concentrating on his book, pacing around the creaking attic.  Suddenly, the chest is back in its place.  He hears Leona screaming downstairs and she claims something attacked her.

So this time, they put the chest in a storage shed and nail the door shut.  They begin cruelly sniping at each other.  He berates her for not even being able to keep food in the house, and she berates his writing.  He grabs a pan of boiling milk from the stove and moves to force it down her throat.  I guess that was the prophesied “white liquid pressed to her lips” which is bit of a let-down, I must say.

ngfrightnight27Fortunately, the trance is broken and Tom spills the milk on the floor.  Hearing a knocking, he rushes to the attic and finds the chest back in its usual place.

Downstairs, Leona answers a knock at the door expecting trick-or-treaters.  Instead it is  ghoulish figure who says he has come for the chest.  It is cousin Zachariah who shows himself to the attic.  I could post a picture, but there are none with Barbara Anderson also in it, so why bother.

The next morning, Tom realizes that the message on the typewriter was a warning from Zachariah.  He says that finally rid of the chest, he can get back to work and they will live happily ever after.  Naturally, he goes back upstairs and the chest is there again with a note that says “It will be called for.”  i.e. Zach will be back in one year on Halloween.  They get back in the car and leave behind the house with a sign posted that it is for Sale or Rent.

Sadly my assertion that this could sink no lower than average due to the presence of Miss Anderson was put to the test.  There are so many unanswered questions, but they are not interesting enough to demand answers.  There just isn’t much going on here.  Except this:

ngfrightnight08aaaPost-Post:

  • Twilight Zone Legacy:  Alan Napier was in Passage on the Lady Anne.
  • The interiors are the same house used repeatedly since the pilot episode The Cemetery.
  • Tom’s cousin was 23 years older than him?  Possible, but why was he not just made to be an uncle?
  • At least Colin Farrell wasn’t in it.

Preservation (2014)

preservation02Two brothers are driving a pickup truck out to the woods.  The camera shows us a rifles, jumper cables and flares (a huge disappointment since I thought they were dynamite until they finally came into play).  They sing The Bear Went Over the Mountain.  I’m already questioning if these guys are just brothers.  Maybe the jumper cables were nipple clamps.  I don’t even want to speculate on the flares.

What the hell, there’s a girl in the backseat.  She is married to one of the men, Mike (Ken Cosgrove from Mad Men), who is inexplicably wearing a tie to go camping.  They stop at a convenience store, and while his brother Sean and wife Wit are buying supplies, he just can’t get off the phone to work.  One of the supplies is a pregnancy test. Really, she didn’t of that before they left?

The park is closed, but they go in anyway.  Mike reveals to Wit that his brother was discharged from the army for reasons unknown.  This is the standard “Veteran = PTSD psychopath” Hollywood shorthand so he will be suspect #1 in case of any shenanigans.

preservation03When Mike and Wit wake up the next morning, they are still in their sleeping bags, but the tent, all their supplies and Sean are gone.  Also, they have X’s on their foreheads. The crazy vet Sean is the immediate suspect.  His creepy ability to move stealthily, showcased earlier, further implicates him in this unlikely theft.  Then Sean appears with the same X on his forehead.  He has been surveying the area for evidence and assessing the threat level — what a maniac!

He leads the couple halfway back towards the car which he says he can hot-wire, then turns back to rescue his dog.  Mike still suspects Sean is behind this, not some group of “constitutional extremists.”  Yeah, it was prob’ly those crazy Tea Partiers.

preservation04Sean finds one of the people who killed his dog and goes all Rambo on him; if Rambo had been 5 minutes long.  After rifle butting the guy in the head several times, he turns his back on him.  He’s not a crazy vet, but he is a stupid one.

So the rest of the film is set up with beta-male Mike and wife against the bad guys. Unfortunately, Mike is no more Rambo than his brother.  While he lacks Sean’s military training, he follows exactly the same strategy — beat your opponent senseless, then turn your back when he has a weapon within reach.

preservation05So we are down to Wit.  She finally gets a good look at these killers and they are three punk kids on bicycles.  They tracked her with the GPS beacon that Mike had given her, so she tears it off.  She gets back to the truck, but the hooligans have disabled it.  Now she is in Eden Lake mode, which has a lot of potential.

Holy crap, now this is Rambo — she sews up a wound on her head.  She takes the only weapons she has, a tire iron, jumper cables, and flares and sets out in pursuit.  I really wish it had been dynamite.  While she is more badass than the men, she ends up making exactly the same mistake of turning her back on one of them while he has a weapon within reach.

Other than that one recurring bit of stupidity, it is an enjoyable ride in the survival sub-genre.  It is no Eden Lake, but that’s a pretty high bra to reach.  Er, bar — anyone who saw Eden Lake knows what I mean.

preservation06Post-Post:

  • The other bit of stupidity is using a pair of jumper cable as a weapon in a non-electrical fashion.  C’mon, from her position even a medium sized rock would have been better.
  • They make room for one last “message” in the final scene which has a child in a shopping cart pointing a plastic toy gun at her.  But what is it?  Guns are bad?  Boys are bad?  Non-bio-degradable plastic is bad?  They got a threefer on that one.
  • While the two dudes were OK, to be honest, I just wasn’t crazy about Wit.  I did like the character, though.  And the end, after her ordeal, she looks awful.  I don’t mean beaten and black-eyed; I mean she really looks like she’s been through hell.  So kudos for that.

 

Tales From the Crypt – Seance (S4E4)

tftcseance04Really lackluster outing.

Cathy Moriarty and Ben Cross are practicing a ruse to bilk a widow out of $300,000.  Cross wonders to himself how he got into this mess — hiding in a closet to pretend to be a ghost.  Great, a dreaded flashback.

Two weeks earlier, lawyer Cross gets a visit from Dean Wormer.  Moriarty is there to pretend that she is a long lost cousin of Wormer’s.  Cross tells Wormer that his dead uncle Albert Peters has left them $3 million.

Wormer says, “The only man I know by that name is my mother’s brother.”  Isn’t that kind of the definition of dead uncle?  Cross tells Wormer that his uncle was not killed by a train as his mother told him — he spent 20 years in jail for a bank robbery.  $200,000 from the heist turned into $3M.

Moriarty invites Wormer to her hotel room that night.  He shows up with a bottle and a rose.  Moriarty explains that they should just buy Cross out for 10%  They start making out — so not only does Wormer not know the meaning of “uncle”, he is a little fuzzy on the concept of “cousin” as well — and are photographed by Cross from the closet.

tftcseance05They go to to Cross’s office and Wormer figures out that he and Moriarty are in cahoots.  They show him the photos which only make him laugh, and says his wife will never see them (a pretty good gag that will pay off later).  Moriarty goes to shoot Wormer, but he pulls a Rosalind Shays (i.e. falls down the elevator shaft). Just to be safe, they send the elevator to the bottom floor to crush him.

At they police station, the decide to try to get the cash from Wormer’s wife who they see is blind.  She wants to discuss it with her late husband via her spiritual adviser — she’s blind, not stupid. No wait, she’s blind and stupid.

Since Mrs. Wormer is blind, they tie up the “real” psychic and Moriarty imitates her. Also present is Mrs. Wormer’s chauffeur who apparently has never seen “her spiritual adviser” before.

tftcseance06The spirit of Wormer is summoned and a hooded figure shows up.  He throws back the hood to reveal it is Wormer.  The chauffeur says, “Mr. Wormer is looking a bit peaked.” Does he not understand why they are at the psychic?  They gave this guy a license?

Wormer reveals Cross’s head in a brief case, then rips out Moriarty’s heart like Mola Ram  in Temple of Doom.  He tells Moriarty, “You ain’t got no heart.”

I literally fell asleep about 5 times over the course of three days trying to finish this one. Not sure whether it is the actors or the direction or both, but Moriarty and Cross are two of the dullest actors I have ever seen.

Moriarty is a classic case of peaking early.  She was nominated for Best Supporting Actress in her first role, then disappeared for six years.  Her IMDb bio cites a serious car accident, bad luck, and man trouble.  Maybe, but part of the problem had to be an absolute lack of screen presence.

tftcseance13Post-Post:

  • Title Analysis: A little too on-the-nose.
  • Written by Harry Anderson.
  • Ben Cross was just in The Concrete Mixer.  Just as lackluster as Moriarty, he finally got the role he was perfectly suited to play in 2009 — Spock’s emotionless Vulcan father Sarek.

The Intruders (2015)

intruders25

iCutie

On a snowy day, college student (i.e.over 18) Rose moves into a new house with her father Jerry Halshford.  She immediately bitches about the house and furniture.  She at least has the initiative to explore the house to find more to complain about.

She walks across the street and meets her neighbor Leila who asks her how she can live in that house. Rose asks her father what that means and he plays dumb.

That night she hears screams and gets out of the bed to close her bedroom door.  In the next scene, it is morning, but she is wearing different clothes.  The shortie shorts and wife-beater have been replaced by a little spaghetti strap number that we don’t get to see the bottom of.  This movie is turning me into quite the fashion maven.

intruders29While taking a PG-13 shower, she hears creaks and crashes and goes to investigate (wearing a white towel). Turns out to just be a cute young construction guy, Noah.

That night she sees a neighbor throw a large garbage bag and a shovel in the back of his pickup.  So the first thing you would think is that he’s going to bury a body.  She does go out (in her red Stanford hoodie) and finds Leila’s necklace in the snow. Or is it?

That night,in a striped t-shirt and tight jeans, she goes to the basement for the first time. She is trapped in a room but only for a few moments as if the house is playing with her. Running back upstairs, she sees a creepy doll head on the stairs that she had found earlier in a drawer.

intruders24Via a Google-doppelganger called Glide Quest, Rose discovers that her neighbor was a suspect in the disappearance of a girl named Rachel who had lived in the house.

Just as in Mr. Jones, there is a suggestion that meds might have something to do with the bizarre scenes witnesses.  Also as in that movie, this subplot goes nowhere.

The Intruders throws out a few other red herrings (or less charitably, distractions) like that. From his introduction, there is a distance in Noah that suggests that he might only exist only in Rose’s mind.  He does seem to come and go like the wind, and for sometimes dubious reasons.  He also references a construction crew which never seems to materialize.  He does seem to be real in at least one scene with Leila, though. If he is not real, like the meds, there would really be no point.

intruders28The movie would also like you to believe there are supernatural explanations for some events.  Sometimes the movie does not play fair — does that door latch move by itself? For the most part, it places the blame on a reg’lar old killer.  But then the final scene again suggests a supernatural element.  Or is it those darn meds again?

Misdirection and twists are fine, even desirable; they just weren’t handled well here. Also not handled well — Miranda Cosgrove.  She is hot and wears the hell out of her skimpy clothes (and the sweatshirts, too, for that matter), she’s just not effective as an actress.

intruders26Ultimately it is just a PG-13 movie with some cute 20 year old girls that could have aired on Lifetime or starred Ashley Judd 20 years ago. It really is more drama than horror. The mystery for me is how it ended up in my queue.

Post-Post:

  • Title Analysis:  Intruderzz — the crazy dude was one, but who was the other?
  • Miranda Cosgrove was the star of iCarly.  Being a grown man, I have never seen the show; or bought the box set.

Outer Limits – Vanishing Act (S2E21)

olvanishingact03Trevor McPhee (John Cryer) shuts off the radio after the DJ says farewell to the old year.  Trevor  also says good riddance to 1949 despite have a decent home, a cute wife, and a radio the size of a refrigerator.

He feels they are in a rut, going nowhere and can’t even afford a bottle of New Year’s champagne despite Trevor drinking from a bottle of hooch at the time.  Full of rot-gut and self-loathing, he says the hell with it and goes out to get a bottle of bubbly anyway.

On the way to the store, he encounters a bright light and runs off the road.  When he regains consciousness, he stumbles to the road and hitches a ride from Ray Carter. Ray is a fan of comics like Zantarg, Master of Time and Space.

olvanishingact101960:  Ray drops Trevor off at his house, but he finds the locks have been changed.  When his wife Theresa (Jessica Lundy) answers the door she damns him for having disappeared for 10 years.  He swears to remember nothing of the last decade.  They go to a doctor who is no help.  His wife finally accepts that he didn’t run out on her and they go to bed, but he disappears again.  Trevor wakes up in a swampy cave, then reappears 10 years later

1970:  The furniture has been rearranged so he reappears on the bedroom floor. Technically, he should have reappeared in mid-air and dropped to the floor.  He finds his clothes vacuum-packed in the closet and changes into them.  Downstairs, he finds that Theresa has given up waiting.  Ray, the guy who gave Trevor a ride in 1950 is now giving Trevor’s wife a ride — they are married.  This time, Theresa finally realizes that Trevor hasn’t aged at all; because, really, would he have kept that mustache for 20 years?  He also finds out he has a son, which should have aged him 10 years on the spot.

olvanishingact21aHe storms out and sees the devolution of the country in 1969. There are drugs, hippies, war protests with inanely repetitive chants — can you really hear All We Are Saying is Give Peace a Chance go around more than twice without actually wanting to start a war?  He goes to a bar and is soon joined by Ray.  Trevor starts feeling sick and goes into the bathroom for 10 years [insert lame Mexican food gag here].  Again, he awakens in the swampy cave.

1980:  He reappears on the floor of the bathroom stall, luckily unoccupied.  The bar is now a disco (but not for Lola) complete with cokeheads, glittering disco balls, and The Hustle.  His son and Theresa are waiting for him.  This time Ray sets up a camera to catch him disappearing on Super-8.  Which he does.

1990:  Trevor reappears on VHS, skipping right over the Betamax years.  Ray is dead, but Theresa hypnotizes Trevor, and is able to talk to the alien who has possessed him. It says that his species explores the universe by possessing people and periodically bringing them back to their planet to share their knowledge.

olvanishingact25Despite using wormhole technology, Theresa learns they have no concept of the passage of time. She explains how the aliens have wrecked their lives and talks the parasite (who prefers to be called a Symbiote-American) into releasing Trevor’s body.  He disappears from 1990, sadly, having never reached the distant decade where his mustache would be accepted by society.

On the other hand, the aliens are pretty hoopy froods and plop Trevor back in 1950; where he was miserable.  Once again, lottery-number-free.

I suspect the concept is not original, but that never bothers me; I really liked the idea.  It didn’t hook me for some reason though.  Maybe it was seeing Jon Cryer in a drama (although I’ve never seen him in a comedy, either).

I still rate it 8 out of 10 years.

Post-Post:

  • Jessica Lundy was the girl with the funny laugh on Seinfeld.
  • Of course, Jon Cryer was 40% of Two and a Half Men.