In June 1982, a Russki spacecraft is burning up on re-entry and makes a 3-point swish shot, never touching the Arctic Rim.
Then to current-day Alaska. One of the reasons I clicked on this movie was the cover which had a nice, clean design and an attractive bluish tint. Holy crap did they go overboard with the blue tint. Think of the green tint in The Matrix — it was only subtly noticeable and you got used to it. This opening of this movie looks like it was shot through a bottle of Windex.
Stephen, Sadie and Ronnell hook up with the titular Harbinger captained by Lance Henriksen. The trio is tracking a pod of whales that have been tagged. One of the crew tells them that research grants are nothing but white people’s government cheese. This is from a guy nicknamed “Dock” because he used to live under one. Seriously. Whatever it is that is going to do the killing in this joint, please start with this idiot.
While Ronnell is sleeping and Stephen is yopping, Sadie bundles up and goes up on the deck of the crab boat. They spot something shaped like a Russki spacecraft which is attracting the whales. So naturally, they haul it on-board.
Ronnell is the first to notice that they are getting no cellphone service. Being a thousand miles from a cell tower might to be blame. Maybe they should have sprung for a satellite phone. Sadly, she is not the least respectable of the group. Stephen is a douche-bag determined to steal credit for the find.
Sadie nabs a Russki member of the crew and inspects the spacecraft while Stephen is distracted by a crew-member playing him like a harp. They find the crewman still remarkably well-preserved for having spent 30 years in the ocean. Short time later, however, it is discovered that the body is missing and a giant raw oystery-looking snot-ball kills a crewman. Thus bringing us to the Alien portion of our program, where the crew must pursue the monster and get picked off one by one. But that’s not a bad thing.
Shockingly, the first to go is not Dock, but is the even more unlikable Stephen. He does not get a chestburster scene, but does get a pretty awesome backburster scene. Unfortunately, the actor looks too much like Andy Bernard from The Office and it makes it a little hard to take the scene totally seriously. To be fair, I’m not sure it is intended to be totally serious.
And so the picking-off begins. But it is not as dreary and mechanical as one might fear. there are surprises and tentacles, teeth, and slime.
It ain’t no Alien, but then neither was Prometheus. It floats in that middle ground, better than SyFy and Asylum, but not worth seeing in a theater. The casting is better than the acting — I really enjoyed everyone except for the miscast Nard-Dawg. Dock was annoying, but at least he was a character. Even the order of deaths is not what I expected.
The plot and score are entirely adequate, and the creature is nicely unconventional and not CGI. I doubt it was intended even on a satirical level, but the biggest horror was that it frequently reminded me of pink slime.
I feel like this was 90 minutes well-spent.
Post-Post:
- On Rotten Tomatoes, this film has a rating of 50% from critics and 25% from normal people. I suspect this is due to the film’s heavy endorsement of global warming. The quality of the film doesn’t matter as much as sticking to the state-sanctioned narrative.
- It is also noted that the Russki chick says she “can see Alaska from my house.” It’s a pretty funny twist on the misquoted line, but clearly also pandering to the left.

Jerry and Gina are in the graveyard. Jerry is digging one of those TV graveholes that any sap can dig by hand with an ordinary shovel in 45 minutes. The perfectly squared-off corners are a nice touch. It’s nice to see people taking pride in their work again.
Some time later, Gina walks into a bar in a snappy business suit and immediately starts making friends by grabbing gonads, throwing a man to the ground, making an awesome joke to a guy with a colostomy bag, and buying rounds for the house; but mostly that last thing.
Jerry ends up being in cahoots with the rubes. But there is real oil under the graveyard. Once Gina finds out she’s been hustled, she lights it up!
Post-Post:
Tonight’s episode is once again sponsored by Masland Carpet Mills, makers of fine fishing- and
Fulbright goes home and hands his wife the $20. She is about as appreciative as you would expect and asks him if he robbed a bank. A neighbor frantically knocks at the door carrying her child. Within seconds he diagnoses the girl with hemorrhagic encephalitis. Having no alternative, Fulbright opens the new bag. He sees now that there is a warning label that the instruments must be used ethically or the violator will be subject to the full penalty of the law. Checking a handy enclosed symptom matrix, he finds a new-fangled syringe pre-loaded with an elixir for the girl.
07/18/50 — that’s 2450! [1]
Post-Post:
Charlotte (Sherilyn “should be a much bigger star”
The next morning, after having started work on the baby, Charlotte describes the car as “frivolous” for a new mom. C’mon, it’s a Volvo. Either these two know nothing about cars or they speak English as a second language. Later that day, Charlotte gets in the car. In her rear view mirror she sees a young woman in the back seat saying, “We’re going to have a baby.”
Lucy’s uncle confirms that she committed suicide in a car just like Charlotte’s. He offers Lucy’s stuff to Charlotte. When Jack gets home that night, he finds clothing and personal items strewn on the floor and up the stairs to their bedroom. At the top of the stairs, he finds Lucy’s driver’s license.
The car stops, the locks go down, Charlotte can’t escape. Smoke begins pouring into the car as Someday We’ll be Together comes on the radio again. Lucy appears and I’m not sure what happens. It looks like she has something wrong with her teeth, but it could just be the horrible quality of the video on You Tube. But then she leans into Charlotte’s neck like a vampire before we cut away. So this is either inconceivably stupid, or just a poor decision on the staging. If Lucy is going to bite her like a vampire, that is just a complete non-sequitur. If she is not a vampire, why lean into her neck with her mouth open? And wasn’t she going to die from smoke or CO2 inhalation anyway?
What was that horn-blast all about? I guess Charlotte was dead and slumped against the horn the whole time and Lucy “drove” the car home. Charlotte’s neck is bloody, so I guess they did go for the vampire thing, although with ghost-like tendencies..
We first meet Dr. Sears when the parents of an anorexic girl hire him to heal their daughter. He has the “talent or a curse” that he can “feel what other people are feeling.” He can draw their illness out of their mind into his own. Moments later, the girl is chowing down. In a really clever shot, Sears later sees his reflection in the elevator door and perceives his reflection as a
through the yard. Now he’s coming in the house. Now he’s coming up the stairs.”
coming through the yard, but is interrupted by the man coming through the yard.
Thumbhead’s closing remarks did not offer any