Author Archives: don

Outer Limits – The Haven (07/02/99)

Posted on by
Reply

I remember this one from the original 1999 airing, so it must be good.  But I also remember seeing Bicentennial Man in 1999, so . . .

The titular Haven is one of the new high rise condos that promise the residents “the utmost in privacy and security”.  Aside from an occasional awkward encounter in the elevator, the occupants are virtually guaranteed to never see or hear their neighbors.  If unauthorized persons appear on their floor, say selling overpriced, loosely packed cookies, hovering drones will zap them.  There is never any noise, and eye contact is discouraged.  Wait, are you sure this place isn’t called The Heaven?

Caleb is not happy to have to share his elevator with another resident.  No, wait, two residents — what is this, f***ing Woodstock?  George, the holographic concierge, explains that it would be cost-prohibitive for every resident to have a private elevator.

As Caleb walks through his unit the next morning, everything seems to be Alexa’d.  He asks for the blinds to open and they do, he asks for the refrigerator door to open and it does.  He similarly bosses around the cabinets, TV, laptop, and orders muffins.  Suddenly, everything starts glitching.  His appliances turn off, and he is trapped in his condo.  We see from the identical holographic Georges on every floor responding to complaints that the failure is building-wide, not just because Caleb was mean to his toaster, and forget what he told his toilet to do.

After a pretty short time of experiencing the isolation that he pays such high HOA Fees for and still just gets basic cable, Caleb gets cabin fever.  He bundles up some knives and begins hacking away at the wall — literal, not figurative — between him and his neighbor.  Really, what is that going to do?  Isn’t that unit in the same condition as his?  Wouldn’t he have been better off trying to reach the hallway?  How about tossing a paperweight or a sofa out the window with a note attached?  This seems like the worst possible plan — oh wait, his neighbor is a hot chick.  Well-played then.

She also happens to be an electronics whiz.  In no time, she shorts out her door so it swings open.  Alyssa and Caleb go into the hallway which is dim with emergency lighting.  George is back online and actually visible in the dark because, in a masterful bit planning, they used an albino as the model for holographic George.

The rest of the episode is them trying to reach the ground floor while George puts obstacles in their way, sometimes fatally.  It’s not exactly Die Hard in a . . . uh, highrise . . . er, OK just like Die Hard.  So it’s a little like Die Hard, just without the machine guns, homicidal ballet dancer, Huey Lewis look-alike, coke-snorting yuppie, Urkel’s neighbor, Clarence Beeks, and George is no Hans Gruber.  Still, they are trapped in a building, you feel the claustrophobia, and they are constantly in danger and on the move.

Their constant motion gives the episode an inertia the Outer Limits sometimes lacks.  They even have an interesting message at the end.  I’m not sure if it is a great episode, but it is one of my favorites.

Other Stuff:

  • Caleb was fine, but I find the actor kind of annoying.  Maybe it’s jealousy because he dated Lorelei on The Gilmore Girls.  Her daughter Rory was hot too.  I could have gone either way in that family, being right in the middle of the two of them.  Two years younger than Lorelei, and 13 years older than her daughter.  Yep, right in the middle.  Too close to call, really. [1]
  • [1] Based on the reboot ages; I’m not an monster.

Science Fiction Theatre – The Human Experiment (06/22/56)

Posted on by
Reply

Narrator:  “In this building in Atlantic City, an important scientific convention is being held.  The eagerly awaited highlight of this meeting is a paper prepared by Dr. Eleanor Ballard, a devoted pioneer in bio-chemistry.” 

Dr. Eleanor Ballard has been researching beads, no, bees, and how changes can be made to them while still in the larval form.  She is injecting an enzyme into the bees to alter their behavior.  But she is using an extract to inject into other animals.  So is the enzyme from the bees?  No, they seem to be the subject of the experiment.  Then the enzyme is used on puppies.  So WTF do the bees have to do with anything?

Eleanor hopes to use her discovery to help the mentally ill.  Injecting the enzyme into some puppies has turned then from docile, playful little dogs into “a militant soldier” (a film shows 2 dogs fighting), “a worker” (film shows a dog diligently digging), “and a very proud, productive mother” (film shows 6 puppies nursing).  I guess the point is that the enzyme made the dogs like Worker, Drone and Queen bees.  So what was injected into the bees?  They already have that society.  Besides, I think the “proud, productive mother” was created by a different kind of injection (film not available).

Eleanor announces she believes this enzyme can be used on people with “human disturbed personalities” to give them ambition, courage, and a love of groups so they “can perform as part of the human family.”

After the conference, Dr. Tom MacDougal goes to visit Eleanor at her ranch.  He takes time to flirt with “the most attractive taxi driver I’ve ever run across.”  She inexplicably waits while he walks to the door, checking out his butt I guess.  He notices a man energetically mowing the grass with a push mower; literally trotting as he pushes it.  Tom calls out that the man should slow down because it is so hot.  The man just keeps mowing as if he doesn’t understand English; which would have unusual been in 1956, unlike today.

Tom rings the bell and it is answered by a brutish, belligerent man.  He says Eleanor is not accepting visitors and Tom should just f*** off.  When Tom says he is expected, the man shoves him across the porch and shuts the door.

Jean the taxi driver suggests he go back to his hotel and call from there.  Wait, she picked him up at the train station, how does she know he is not staying the ranch?  Anyhoo, the door opens again and a tall, thin, stearn woman invites him in.  He is nearly run down by a woman furiously vacuuming the carpet.  Like the landscaper, she seems to be in a trance.

The tall woman apologizes for the man’s action, but still refuses to let Tom see Eleanor.  She says that she is Eleanor’s daughter, and that everyone there is very protective of her mother.  She is doing important work and can’t be interrupted.  Tom walks back to the hotel where Jean works.

That night, he remembers that Eleanor told him she had no children.  But since Eleanor is only 9 years older than the other woman, maybe it is a painful subject to her.  Even though it is the middle of the night, Tom asks Jean to drive him back to Eleanor’s house.

Jean waits while Tom approaches the house.  BTW, he has dressed in a nice suit including a necktie for this covert operation.  It’s nice to see the young people dressing for felonies again.  Rather than risk encountering the brute at the door again, he checks the bathroom windows.  After confirming Eleanor is not showering, or disrobing for a shower, or drying off after a shower, he checks the window of the lab.  Seeing her working, he slides the window open and climbs into the room.

He announces his presence, but Eleanor does not respond.  He says her name again and she does stoically say, “Dr. MacDougal” but continues performing her experiments.  She says, “Please go away, I have a great deal of work to do.  It is of utmost importance.”  When the brute unlocks the lab door, Tom goes back out the window.

He watches through the window as the mower, the vacuumer, the brute, and the thin woman all come into the lab.  One by one, Eleanor gives them an injection.  Finally, the thin woman administers an injection to Eleanor.

Tom asks Jean if there is an all-night drugstore in the nearby town.[1]  Luckily, the local CVS seems to carry beakers, test tubes, test tube racks, bunsen burners, and all the chemicals he needs.  He mixes up a solution at the hotel and they go back to Eleanor’s house.

Eleanor realizes her experiment failed. Also that Tom has his arm around the taxi driver who is 9 years younger than her.  But mostly that.

Tom slips back in through the window.  He begins knocking over equipment so that the other inhabitants of the house will come to the lab.  Once all are present, he puts on a gas-mask — wow, CVS rules! — and throws down the smoke bomb he made.  As the others are gagging, he carries Eleanor to safety.

Back at the hotel, Eleanor is sobered up and sees that her experiments to make the “maladjusted” part of society have failed.  She was able to transform them, like bees, into productive soldiers and workers and a queen, but lost control.  They return to the house and find all the inhabitants are now all jittery, frightened layabouts, the world’s oldest millennials.

  1. The tall woman was the Queen in this hive.  WTF wasn’t Eleanor the queen?  She says the tall woman injected her.  Was that a coup, or part of the experiment?
  2. Since Eleanor was not the queen, why were the others so protective of her?  She was just a drone; as her original lecture proved.
  3. Why have they all reverted to their natural state already?  We just saw them get injected that morning.

Tom says this was still an amazing breakthrough.  He suggests that he stay and help her.  Not only will he have fresh ideas, assist in the research, and be able to protect her from another such coup, but having a man’s name on her findings, they might actually get published in a scientific journal.  Bloody sexism!

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Actually, he says, “I want to pick up some supplies.  You may have to open up a drugstore.”  Hunh?
  • Eleanor was in the classic Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  Jean was in the classic-in-a-bad-way Robot Monster.  Wonder if that came up on-set.  Both were paid $125 for this episode, though.  That’s BS — even the mower and vacuumer got $80 and they had no lines!  Tom picked up a cool $750 for his work.  Bloody sexism!

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Five-Forty-Eight (10/25/60)

Posted on by
4

Mr. Blake zips out of his office and says goodnight to his secretary, although why he is leaving this doll there to work after he skates is left unanswered.  He rides the elevator down which, given his haste, is probably the express.

In the lobby, a frumpy woman asks to talk to him.  Surprisingly, he does acknowledge her by tipping his hat, but silently hustles right out the door.  The woman follows him down the sidewalk.  She is swimming against all the tides — the wind is blowing against her, everyone in New York seems to be heading the other direction on the sidewalk, and Blake is figuratively pushing against her desire to speak to him.

He spots the woman tailing him in a coffee-shop window, at a frankly impossible angle BTW.  He picks up the pace even more to avoid this dame.  He sees sanctuary around the corner where there is a bar with a neon sign NO WOMEN ADMITTED.  And also, although the sign does not mention it, apparently hats are required and she is hatless.  I mean, the number of hats in this place is unbelievable.  I know men used to wear hats, but didn’t they take them off indoors?  He stays for only one drink, does not see the woman peering in the window, and leaves.

Unfortunately, she corners him on the train and sits beside him.  He recognizes her as his former employee Miss Dent, but she is sick, depressed, and unemployed.  When Blake tries to move to the next car, she pulls a gun on him.  Sensing a flashback, I’m not feeling so well myself.  It seems like only a trimester ago . . .

Miss Dent is happy at her job as Blake’s secretary.  After they work late one night arranging the Pensky File, Blake suggests that they have dinner.  Afterward, he walks her home to her brownstone located conveniently near the train station.  She invites him up for a drink.  She makes frequent references to her loneliness, but a gal that open to a last-second, late night dinner, and going straight back to her food-less place with no room-mate for straight liquor ought to be pretty popular.  Soon enough, while playing some stock, white-people jazz LPs, they are kissing.  Cut to the next day.

Blake breezes through the door in his usual brisk gait and barely acknowledges Miss Dent.  Miss Dent says Mr. Johnson is waiting in his office and is crushed by his ignoring her after their night of passion.  Wow, she really doesn’t get around much.

Isn’t this kinda how both of them got into trouble?

The two men talk, and Johnson comes out to speak to her.  He says she is being let go due to her poor performance; presumably on the job, not last night.  She will get 2 weeks severance and any unmarked lunches in the break-room refrigerator.  She bolts into Blake’s office but he is no longer there.  The only signs of his departure are a swinging coat hanger and an executive-shaped hole in the door.

Back in the present, 3 months later, Miss Dent tells Blake that she would not have told his wife.  Actually, if he was afraid she would tell his wife, he would be more likely to give her a raise than fire her.  She says, “I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking I’m crazy.  And it’s true.  I have been very sick.  But I’m going to be better.  It’s going to make me much better to talk to you.  I was in the hospital for eight months before I came to work for you.  I thought I was alright, but since you fired me, I’ve gotten all confused.  But I’m not afraid to kill you because I don’t care what happens to myself.”

Well, this is a downer.  Miss Dent really is in pain.  This isn’t the usual merry murder mix-ups and homicidal hijinks that we usually get on AHP.  She really is melting down due to her loneliness, depression, and that scotch probably isn’t helping.  This is more of a pure character study than I remember on AHP before.  Because Phyllis Thaxter pulls it off so magnificently, I felt more like I was watching a play or one of the drama anthologies from the 1950s.  The last 10 minutes are almost an interrupted monologue by Thaxter.

Miss Dent leads Blake at gunpoint off the train and down the dark tracks.  There is no big twist or conclusion.  She says what she needs to say and walks off into the dark.

Not your usual AHP offering, especially in the 2nd half, but another great episode of the type no one knows how to make anymore.

Other Stuff:

  • Based on a short story by John Cheever who I kinda made fun of last week.
  • 24 references:  1) Miss Dent standing behind Blake with a gun to his head in a train yard like Jack Bauer did to Ryan Chappell.  2) Blake often had an uncanny resemblance to President  Logan.  Man, having that series in constant rotation for 10 years is getting to me.
  • Thanks to Jack at Bare*Bones for helping me appreciate the episode.  His background on the source material and insights on the episode filled in some important gaps for me.
  • This is the 2nd consecutive AHP with no murder.  Let’s not forget why we’re here, fellas.

Twilight Zone – Father & Son Game – (04/15/89)

Posted on by
1

Darius Stephens begins his physical therapy by getting on a treadmill.  He appears to be about 40, but very frail.  The therapist quickly turns the pace up to 6 minute miles and I get winded just watching him.

His son Michael, who is about 50, finds this “disgusting” because his father is actually 79 years old.  He tells his father’s doctor, “An artificial brain has turned him into a robot” although it is clear much of his body is not from the OEM.  Darius’s wife also seems to be about 40, so I guess she was a Trophy Wife before he started this process; but maybe just a Participation Trophy Wife at this point.  She accuses Michael of wanting his father dead so he can take over the family business and inherit the old man’s sweet, sweet Enron stock.

The next day, Darius is back at work ordering people around.  Michael announces that he is enacting the company’s succession plan.  Darius’s lawyer says this is a gray area because Darius is over 60% mechanical and has an electronic brain — technically, he is brain dead.  Sadly, Michael might have a point.  Darius shows signs of diminishing cognitive ability when he frequently repeats himself in conversations.  Darius shows signs of diminishing cognitive ability when he frequently repeats himself in conversations.

Darius’s mental acuity breaks down to the point where he should legitimately be declared dead.  He leaves behind a CD for his wife.  She inserts it in a computer and she somehow is able to have an interactive conversation with Darius and get free AOL for a month.

There is an interesting story here, but they didn’t find it.  That is especially disappointing as this is the last episode of this iteration of The Twilight Zone.  So does Darius come back to vanquish his dickish son?  No.  Does he return as a megalomaniacal monster who will live forever?  No.  Is he doomed to exist only on the CD that he left to his wife, incapable of any physical sensation?  No.  He is just kind of there on a screen and says they will try again.  On second thought, maybe this namby-pamby mess was the right choice to kill off TZ for 13 years.

1980s Twilight Zone Post Mortem:  There were some fine episodes in this run, but overall, the series was hobbled by several recurring choices.

1) Insipid, synth-driven scores.  Sure, it was the the 80’s, but that is no excuse for the frequently god-awful scores of this series.  The original TZ often had to make do with random stock scores from the archives, but they made them work.

2) The dreadful narration.  In the early episodes, Charles Aidman was far too avuncular for the role.  At least he had a certain gravitas, having appeared in 2 episodes of the original series.  His replacement, Robin Ward, offered nothing.  He was a poor hybrid of Serling and Aidman, almost always far chirpier than the story called for.

3) The happy endings.  I love the quote “Life is pain.  Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.”  That should have been the theme of this series.  The universe doesn’t care about your happiness, but if you try to take more than your share, it will crush you.  Instead we got too many episodes where the twist was finding true love or saving the family farm.

Sadly, only a handful of episodes were memorable.  And those were often in spite of the above issues.

Notes:

  • As the 2002 TZ series doesn’t not appear to be available on DVD, this slot goes to One Step Beyond.

Tales from the Crypt – You, Murderer (01/25/95)

Posted on by
Reply

The big gimmick is that Humphrey Bogart has been awkwardly inserted into several scenes.  There seems to have been a big deal made of this at the time even though the same director made Forrest Gump a year before and Woody Allen did something similar in Zelig 12 years earlier.  The effect is nothing special, yet there is fun to be had here.

The whole episode is a flashback, which is almost never a good idea.  It does not flash back to the 40s or 50s when Bogart was alive, though.  It begins in the present, or least, the present in 1995.  We see Bogart’s mug in the side-view mirror of a wrecked car as he narrates.  It is simultaneously off-putting and interesting.  The image shown appears to merely be a colorized 2-D photo of Bogart.  They further deaden the dead actor with the stylistic choice to not have his lips move.

On the other hand, this is not supposed to actually be Bogart, but a gangsta who had plastic surgery to look like him and, apparently, talk like him.  He has been killed in a car crash.  The entire episode becomes a Weekend at Bogie’s exercise with the POV story eventually seen through the dead man’s eyes.  They could have taken some license and had his lips move in the numerous mirrors, but they made the right choice.

A couple of hours earlier, Bogart look-alike Lou Spinelli was in a conference room at his company.  Oddly, no one seems to realize he looks like Humphrey Bogart.  Or I guess they are just used to it the way long-time co-workers never comment on my resemblance to Brad Pitt.  They are also immune to the fact that his advertising director looks like 1980s Sherilyn Fenn, which I don’t think I would ever get used to.  Her beauty is not lost on Lou who calls her “doll” and “baby” but, commendably, not “babydoll”.

During the meeting he gets a call from his wife Betty who he thought was dead.  He had his pal Oscar send over some goons to knock her off, but she got away.  As he drives home, he thinks about his life.  He came from a tough neighborhood and did what he had to to survive.  After spending some time in jail, he “busted out of the joint and got a new name and a new face”.  Presumably, he chose Bogart’s mug for its inexplicable ability to attract hot babes 25 years younger than him.

Back at his place, he discovers Oscar betrayed him and has been banging Betty for the past year.  They plan to kill Lou, but he is able to take Oscar’s gun from him.  Unfortunately, Betty conks him on the head with a statue. [1]  It is poorly staged because he actually has a few seconds to react to her coming at him and does nothing.  Still, it was funny to see him get brained with the sculpture.  Twice.

The rest of the episode is Oscar and Betty dragging the body around with the POV still from Lou’s dead eyes.  This is good, original stuff.  In fact, it surpasses the Bogie/Noir gimmick of the episode.  John Lithgow and Isabella Rossellini were great with the over-the-top acting that a good TFTC requires, and have perfect faces for those close-ups from Lou’s POV.

They could have ditched the Bogart angle and still had a great episode.  However, they tried something creative and mostly succeeded.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] The sculpture of a nude woman is said to be a Picasso but is utterly unconvincing because it actually looks like a nude woman.