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Science Fiction Theatre – Three Minute Mile (11/09/56)

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Host Truman Bradley is trying to prove something again — as usual, I have no idea what.  He drops a mouse 2 feet and the little fellow is not hurt.  He then picks up a fully grown cat by the scruff — not cool, Truman!  — and drops him several feet. His next demonstration is the effect on a human body to being dropped from 35 feet.  To his credit, he does not roust some bum up to the roof.  On the other hand, he does game the results by using a ceramic statue.

This somehow illustrates that “as man evolved, he relied on brains more than brawn.”  However, “man eventually understood the benefits of physical fitness . . . programs of health and body-building are world-wide.  All sorts of gadgets and machines exercise our muscles.”  And that’s just so we can try to break our gym contract.

Truman tells us, “Our story begins on the campus of Haverly College”.  SFT normally gives its institution generic names like “small midwestern college”.  This might be the first time an actual name has been used.  Now, if we could only get One Step Beyond to adopt this standard for their allegedly “true stories”.

Hey, it’s TV’s Martin Milner playing Britt!  Old viewers might remember him from Adam-12 (1968-1975).  Older viewers might remember him from Route 66 (1960-1964).  Much older viewers might think he is their grandson.  Nurse, how did Timmy get on the picture-box?

Britt is getting chewed out by everyone for quitting the football team.  Even his girlfriend Jill doesn’t understand why he quit to go work with Dr. Kendall.  Now the football coach is trying to get him to rejoin the team.  When the coach suggests he is just yellow, Brit grabs his arms so tightly that it leaves huge red marks.

Ace reporter Jim Dale witnesses this and comments that Britt has recently grown 2 inches, put on a lot of muscle, and sure has a purty mouth.  The journalist runs from the Coach’s office determined to learn Britt’s secret and find a way to blame it on 10 year old Donald Trump.

Dale snoops around and catches Britt lifting enormous weights.  Then he watches Britt and Kendall go to the track.  Britt runs a mile in 3:10.  Yeah, I guess that’s impressive, but I was promised a THREE minute mile in the title! [1]  It’s not like Highway Speed Limits where you get a free 10 over.  Then Dale photographs Britt lifting a car.

Dale goes back to Kendall’s lab that night.  He tries to lift the weights, but finds them too heavy.  Jill also stops by the lab.  Dale hides, but accidentally unlocks the very poorly designed weight rack.  When Jill brushes against it, the huge barbell rolls right down the unnecessarily angled rack.  She is knocked down and the bar passes over her like a reverse limbo — over her feet, legs, and stomach, heading for her neck!  She is saved only because Britt is a tit-man.

I really wish this were clearer. Boobs — is there anything they can’t do?

The boiz show up and examine Jill’s predicament and luscious lifesaving breasts.  Dr. Kendall puts on an electronic belt that has enabled Britt’s superhuman feats.  He is able to lift the barbell while the other guys put on some Chubby Checker and slide Jill out.

The college sees the value of Kendall’s work and tells him he can have whatever he needs for his lab.  And that’s why Haverly College has the only lab in the country that looks like a Russ Meyer movie — Safety First!

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Roger Bannister just broke the 4 minute mile 18 months before this episode aired.
  • I don’t see Science Fiction Theatre on the TV Schedules for 1956-1957.  Could this all be a cruel hoax?

Tales of the Unexpected – The Landlady (04/21/79)

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Previously on genresnaps:

  • After a promising series premiere, Tales of the Unexpected massacred the classic Lamb to the Slaughter by Roald Dahl.
  • Alfred Hitchcock Presents had a very lackluster adaptation of The Landlady, also by Roald Dahl.
  • 2020 got in a, hopefully, last cruel shot and made the next TOTU in rotation be its own adaption of The Landlady.
  • Little Joe was bitten by a rattlesnake while Ben and Hoss whored it up in Virginia City.

In an odd directorial choice, we open with an 8-second exterior shot of some decaying English public housing.  An unseen person closes the curtains in a 3rd floor window.  That’s it.

We cut to Billy Weaver who is “traveling down from London on the slow afternoon train” to the Guinness World Records office to apply for biggest necktie knot.  He jealously eyes the simple white band of the priest across from him — economical, ecumenical, bio-degradable. They chat until reaching Bath.  Before going their separate ways, the priest recommends a local B&B whose amenities include a landlady, kippers, and a nearby playground.

The titular Landlady is just hanging the Bed & Breakfast sign in her window.  Billy walks to the B&B, and rings the bell.  He is startled by her immediately opening the door.  He tells her he is actually on his way to the Bell and Dragon Hotel.  Well, wait — he did hesitate on the street in front of the B&B, but he then went to the door and rang the bell.  So how is he on the way to . . . nevermind.

The Landlady takes him to a room on the 3rd floor.  Somehow, not knowing anyone was coming, she has put a hot water bottle in his bed. [1]    She says, “It is such a comfort, don’t you think, to find a hot water bottle in a strange bed?”  Well, yes, if you happened to have felt a wet spot.  She reminds him to come back down and sign the register.

After she leaves, he writes a letter to his parents.  It is just very poor direction that as we see a close up of his hand signing the letter, there is a cut to a close up of his hand signing the register.  The voiceover of him signing the letter (” . . . Love, Billy”) even extends over the close up of his hand signing the register.  It is just jarring and accomplishes nothing.

Just as in the AHP version yesterday, he recognizes the previous names in the register — Gregory Temple and Christopher Mulholland — and they are a year or two old.  The Landlady comments how handsome they were, invites Billy to “sit right by me” for tea, and puts a hand on his knee.  As they drink, she recalls how Temple was a handsome 17 year old prodigy at Cambridge, and Mulholland “had not a blemish on his body”.  Billy notices the Landlady’s parrot and dog are both stuffed.  He gets drowsy and realizes she Bill Cosby’d him. [3]

I had hoped for the best after the previous TOTU, and The Landlady as presented by AHP, but expected the worst.  TOTU did let me down initially.  Again, that droll first TOTU episode seems to be an aberration.  There was nothing clever here, and a couple of technical glitches.  However, at this point, things got better.  In the AHP version, after drinking the tea, Dean Stockwell just went dizzy and glassy eyed — frankly not that different from his earlier performance, minus the over-enunciation of every word — and that was the end.  But here . . .

The Landlady manages to help Billy back up to the third floor and strip him.  She goes into the room next door and we see the stuffed Temple reading and the stuffed Mulholland asleep in bed.  The Landlady says goodnight, gives them a kiss and turns out the lights.  Back in Billy’s room, she dons a butcher’s apron over her white surgical smock and pulls on some rubber gloves.  There is a tray of shiny surgical instruments ready to work on Billy.

It is a beautiful ending.  Maybe the censors in 1961 wouldn’t allow AHP to air this last scene, but it makes the whole episode.  That is why AHP’s version fell so flat.  The build-up is a little dull in both episodes, but at least there is a pay-off here.  That would also explain that non-sequitur of a scene AHP set in the bar — they needed the padding.  TOTU also gave the Landlady a little more creepy reason to keep these — dare I say — stiffs around.

It even closes nicely, as the camera draws back and we again see the exterior of the apartment.  This is enhanced as TOTU’s carnival-like theme begins playing — just wonderfully nasty.

If I were the type to nitpick, I would point out that the lights in the windows make no sense in the exterior shot.  There are 3 windows with #2 and #3 lit.  But, the Landlady turned off the lights in the room to the right of Billy, which would have been #3. [2]

No matter.  It was a great ending and redeemed some of the perfunctory work before it.  I just wish the nastiness had not all skewed to the last 2 minutes.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  The only other hot water bottle I’ve seen in 20 years happened to also appear this week — in the very entertaining Hunt for the Wilderpeople.
  • [2]  Upon further examination, I’ll bet my subscription to Architectural Digest that the interior does not match the exterior.
  • [3] Or, as Jill Biden would say, Dr. William H. Cosby’d him.
  • Also airing this night in 1979: Fantasy Island which would be made into a terrible movie, CHiPS which would be made into a terrible movie, and Apple Pie — a sitcom so terrible that it was cancelled after 2 episodes.  And these people want to tell me how to run the country.
  • Congratulations to the usually fine actor Michael Peña for surviving 2 of the 3.
  • Actually, by April, the Apple Pie slot was occupied by Welcome Back Kotter.  We never got a terrible WBK movie, but it did foist John Travolta on us for the next 40 years.
  • BTW, Gotti: Not as awful as you would think.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Landlady (02/21/61)

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Ahhhh . . . it’s nice to be back in a safe space after disastrous outings with Tales of the Unexpected and One Step Beyond.   You can always count on Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

Oh bloody hell!  Can’t we have a nice simple murder in America?  Just to further rub 2020 in my face, the episode stars Dean Stockwell.  He might be interesting in small doses, but he is on the Mount Rushmore of stunningly bad, but successful, actors with Elliott Gould and Bill Paxton.  Here he plays — as always — Dean Stockwell.  Even this is beyond his grasp as he is required to speak with an English accent.

The episode is somewhat redeemed when the first face we see is 77 year old Burt Mustin playing a 100 year old man as he did throughout his entire career.  Those unfamiliar with Burt might appreciate the realistic British makeup; but no, those are his real teeth.  He is given nothing to do here, but it’s always good to see Burt Mustin.[1]

Four chaps in a pub are discussing some local burglaries when Dean Stockwell comes in.  He is just off the train and orders a sandwich and beer.  When the bartender has trouble opening the register, Stockwell is able to open it with his Swiss Army Knife.  The chaps think this incriminates him as the local burglar.

Stockwell then goes to rent a room from the titular landlady.   When he signs the register, the two previous guests’ names sound familiar to him.  

Speaking of familiar names, the credits contain a couple.  The screenplay is by the great Robert Bloch.  The original short story was written by the great Roald Dahl.  The mystery of this episode is how two such esteemed writers came up with such a mediocrity. 

Reviews on multiple sites rave about the episode so, as always, I will assume I’m missing something.  It is so vacuous that I can’t even continue.

Hmm . . . written by Roald Dahl.  I wonder if it will show up on Tales of the Unexpected?  Oh my God, it’s in the house!  The TOTU adaptation of The Landlady is up next in rotation.  Given how TOTU botched the great Lamb to the Slaughter, I am not optimistic about what they will do with this.

See you tomorrow after I watch it.  And by “tomorrow”, I mean 2 weeks.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Just to emphasize how old he is, Wiki says he used to be a salesman for Oakland Motor Cars.  
  • His minute role here is strange given that he was already established as a character actor.  In fact, the same month this aired, he reprised his seminal role as Gus the Fireman on Leave it to Beaver for the 11th time.
  • A more positive review is available at bare*bones.

One Step Beyond – The Secret (04/21/59)

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It is immediately clear that this episode is going to be a slog.  Englishman Harrison Ackroyd comes into his wife’s bedroom and announces that their help Essie “has done something triumphal with kidneys and bacon.”  How many warning signs can you find in that sentence? [1]

Harrison has Sylvia sign some papers before he goes to work.  He warns her he will be late that evening like every Friday night while he selfishly entertains clients to pay for their sumptuous house, separate bedrooms, help, and triumphal breakfast meats.  She is left to her knitting which John Newland told us is how she spends her days.  As her husband leaves, he says, “Have a good day.”  Alone, Sylvia says to herself, “A good day.  What is a good day?”  I think she also might be sketchy on what is a good night.

She gets dolled up for a stroll down memory basement.  Essie joins her downstairs and wants to throw out some of the junk.  Sylvia does not want to get rid of anything because she lives in the past — a sweater she wore during the Occupation in Paris, her diploma from the Sorbonne, a transmitter she used to talk “across the Channel”, flags she used to welcome the Allies into Paris, and a F*** You From France T-Shirt. [4]

Essie puts aside a box that says “A game for young and old” to send to the children’s hospital.  Sylvia clutches it and says, “Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy”.  She rushes upstairs with the box and locks herself in her bedroom.  She takes a Ouija Board out of the box.  She moves the planchette around the board and moans orgasmically, “Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy . . . . I needed it so much!”.

Moses . . .

Sylvia sends Essie out late that night to buy a birthday cake because Harrison forgot her birthday again. [6]  She returns and carries it upstairs, candles ablazing.  Essie complains that she had to go to 3 shops to find enough candles.  That is not the way to get a raise.

The next morning, as she is serving breakfast, Essie tells Mr. Harrison she overheard his wife laughing it up in her bedroom and moaning the name Jeremy.  Now that’s how you get a raise.

Harrison confronts his wife, but she denies anyone was there.  He says, “Sylvia, what you do is your own affair.  Frankly I don’t mind as long as you’re clever enough to keep it that way.”  He just wants his name kept out of the newspapers, although it will be prominently featured in next month’s Cuckold Digest.

He’s not a complete cuck, however, because he hires a PI to follow his wife.  She never meets another man, but is seen talking to herself a lot.  He also has her conversations taped.  He hears her yapping on and on to Jeremy but not a word from him, which sounds about right.  Sylvia begs Jeremy to let her see him just once.  Sylvia catches Harrison listening to the tape and says, “How dare you!” [3]

. . . oh, Moses!

There is a twist, and it is a fine one that leaves you thinking.  However, the path to get there — even from this point — is so tedious that I can’t go on.  It took me a month to get this far.  The story is not the problem; it is the performances.

Once again, why are they setting another episode in England? [1] Harrison is such a proper sexless English twit that it is impossible to regard him as a human being (kind of like Charles in The Crown).  Sylvia is just insufferable with her “Moses, oh Moses!” style of acting. [2]  Newland, you are a great director, but you’ve got to restrain the screeching brats and hammy adults.

Even compared to the carnage from yesterday (i.e. a month ago), this was a painful outing.  Thank God the reliable Alfred Hitchcock Presents is next in the rotation.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  For those scoring along at home, this is 8 out of 14 episodes of this American series that take place outside the USA.  Still no paranormal activity in Africa or Asia, though.
  • [2]  Sadly, none of those readings are as histrionic as I remember.  Maybe I’m thinking of another movie.
  • [3]  Apologies for using that Greta clip in 2 consecutive posts.  But you must have a heart of stone not to laugh.
  • [4]  A few years ago, I saw 2 girls in Panera Bread wearing matching souvenir T-Shirts that said F*** You From Florida (without the ***).  It made me sad to realize that our country’s standards have deteriorated so badly that I was eating at a Panera Bread. [5]
  • [5]  That was a cheap shot.  I have no beef with Panera except their sandwiches seem to get smaller so often, it’s like I’m backing away from them.  Which I guess I am.  Also, their drink and condiment stations are usually a nightmare of poor design.  C’mon man, you’ve built a thousand of these things and still can’t figure it out?
  • [6]  Before you think too poorly of Harrison:  Sylvia earlier admitted to forgetting his birthday too.  So this layabout, with nothing better to do, shouldn’t point fingers.

Amazon Prime Recommendations

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I see Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is described at Wiki as a satire or black comedy.  Listing it as a Comedy recommendation seems like a stretch, though.

Classifying a western about a water-rights war with John Wayne and Robert Mitchum as a Romance is just bizarre, and a little brokebackish.

A movie about a male gigolo would seem to preclude Romance.  A movie starring Rob Schneider would seem to preclude Comedy.  So I don’t know where this one belongs.

The only one that makes sense is Borat 2.  It is laugh out loud funny.