I’m starting to get a Ray Bradbury Theater vibe from this series, and that ain’t good. Every episode of both serieseses was based on a short story by their respective author. However, I think I was unfairly harsh on RBT because I expected every episode to have a fantastic premise or Twilight Zonish twist. I should have considered that some of Ray’s stories were published in straight magazines like the Saturday Evening Post. The only time he actually slipped a script onto The Twilight Zone, Rod Serling was out sick with an impacted Chesterfield. [1] The good news is that it has changed my expectations for this series.
This is the day of Natalia Turton’s big party. Her husband Basil has brought home a big hunk of wood which I guess is some sort of Modern Art. Although the “Modern Art” movement has been around so long now, maybe it should be called by its simpler, non-temporal name, “Shit.”
Basil has invited John Bannister, an art historian from Sotheby’s for the weekend. Bannister stops his car some distance away to observe the objet d’art being placed in the estate’s garden.[2] Oddly, he opts to hop a fence and run the rest of the way to the house rather than take his car.
The gang assembles in the house where we meet Jelks the Butler, Major Haddock and Carmen La Rosa. Natalia takes an immediate liking to Bannister. She flirts with him and berates her older husband, so it is clear she is going to pay a visit to Bannister that night. Carmen is not interested in sexing him because tonight she has a Haddock — heyyyooo!!!
Natalia orders Jelks to take Bannister upstairs to his room to dress for dinner. It is nice seeing Tales of the Unexpected inject some humor into another episode. Jelks advises Bannister to “Beware the flush, sir. It’s quite powerful.” He has several other droll lines before he finally advises Bannister, “At dinner, Her Ladyship’s right foot doesn’t always seem to know what her left foot is doing.” Great stuff.
Sure enough, at dinner, Natalia begins playing footsie with Bannister. During dinner and a game of Bridge, she continues to mock her husband, saying he is not the man his father was, and such. Jelks continues his wry bon mots.
That night, Natalia visits Bannister’s room. She turns off the light and really puts the moves on the surprised young man. Within seconds, Jelks enters without knocking and says he heard noises. Natalia leaves and he says to Bannister, “If I might suggest, a chair lodged firmly beneath the doorknob is the best deterrent.”
The next morning, Basil and Harrington tour the gardens. They pass a giant Olmec Head except it is more like an Easter Island moai wearing a pair of Gargoyles, so not really an Olmec Head at all. Actually it looks just like Mark Zuckerberg, but with more humanity. [1]
This is not at all how a Glory Hole is supposed to work.
Anyhoo, Basil says that his life changed at the age of 40 when his father died and left him a fortune. “I suddenly became enormously eligible! Young ladies appeared from nowhere!” That is not a titular Tale of the Unexpected. That is a Tale of the Expected.
He married 27 year old Natalia and she took over the family’s publishing business; quite successfully, too. As Basil and Bannister chat in the gazebo, they see Natalia and Haddock frolicking playfully in the garden. Minutes earlier, we saw them have a literal roll in the hay in the barn. Basil mentions how loyal Jelks is to him, so Bannister knows Basil must know Natalia came to his room last night, and that she is a big ho.
They watch from the gazebo as Natalia sticks her head through a hole in the wood sculpture. Haddock kisses her and they laugh until she realizes she is stuck. The two men join Natalia and Haddock. They all try pulling her head out by force and smearing her head with Vaseline, K-Y Jelly, then Vagisil. Finally they put peanut butter on her head and let the dog lick it.
Jelks brings a saw and an axe — on a serving tray yet. The group is aghast as Basil rears back with the axe and it is clear the target is not the wood sculpture. TOTU then effectively employs its secret weapon — its jaunty, carnivalesque theme song. Not since Curb Your Enthusiasm 20 years in the future has a theme been so well-used as a counter-point to the carnage on-screen.
Is it any good? I’m at a loss. It could be seen as another episode like The Landlady, where the good stuff was skewed into the last minute. On the other hand, it did have some nice dry humor throughout thanks largely to John Gielgud. But even he seems strangely restrained, not quite achieving the masterful bitchiness seen in Arthur two years later. A little more energy or hamminess would have been a great help here.
Would I ever recommend it? No. Was I not entertained? Yes. I mean no. No wait, yes. Who talks like that?
Other Stuff:
- [1] Records from this era are sketchy at best. Maybe this happened.
- [2] Technically the piece is not an objet d’art nor an example of Modern Art.
- It feels like I’ve seen both John Gielgud and Joan Collins much more than in the few items I’ve seen on their IMDb pages. Arthur and that episode of Star Trek must have made quite an impression. [3]
- [3] Note how excited Spock is in that Star Trek clip — very out of character. In the 2nd shot, his excitement is reduced to a vigorous handshake.
A naval task force, led by the USS Morgan, is in the Pacific. Hmmm, there really was a 
The Hydrogen-Ion Propulsion System will keep the rocket traveling through space forever, but it is only programmed to go to the moon. It successfully reaches the moon and circles around it. On the way back to Earth, 6 flying saucers join it! Holy smoke, the rocket crashes back on earth! Only SFT could turn this into a boring gabfest.
He is getting angry that Enid does not want to stay in. He says, “Come on Enid, for the 2 months we’ve known each other, we’ve rushed around like every show was going to close and every restaurant was going to run out of food.” So I guess they met in January 2020. Elliot also confronts her on why he can’t see her on Saturday nights. Enid confesses that there is another man. His name is Cyril Hardeen and she describes him as very kind and gentle as if Elliot might want to be pals with the guy himself. She also reveals that he is 54, which sounds entirely appropriate to me since Enid is 24.
Elliot can read the writing on the wall, or could if there was a big sign on the wall that said, “You’re going to get your ass kicked.” As he excuses himself to leave, Joseph socks him in the jaw. Elliot gets in a couple of shots, but Joseph gives him a good beat down. After Elliot leaves, Cyril and Joseph put on boxing gloves.
Host John Newland tells us, “we are about to go beyond the gay grinning face of the circus into the very private world of the Flying Patruzzios.” Had they really wanted to get dramatic, the episode would have been about the clown car which now has only 2 passengers due to COVID social distancing.
But they set that aside when it is showtime. As always, the One Step Beyond production looks great. The Flying Patruzzios are preceded by an elaborate act featuring many horses. They are enthusiastically received by the ladies, gentlemen, children and flies of all ages.
The Carnies Local 763 (named for the number of fingers the 100 members have) take down the nets and the Patruzzios step out onto the platform. Mario swings out to grasp Gino’s arms. They seem to have made a solid connection, but Gino’s arms slide out of Mario’s grip. Gino falls 80 feet, although I think about 40 of them are shills. Whether the fumes of the horse shit finally rose to that level, or it was the olive oil sandwich Mario just had is not made clear.
This somehow illustrates that “as man evolved, he relied on brains more than brawn.” However, “man eventually understood the benefits of physical fitness . . . programs of health and body-building are world-wide. All sorts of gadgets and machines exercise our muscles.” And that’s just so we can try to break our gym contract.
Ace reporter Jim Dale witnesses this and comments that Britt has recently grown 2 inches, put on a lot of muscle, and sure has a purty mouth. The journalist runs from the Coach’s office determined to learn Britt’s secret and find a way to blame it on 10 year old Donald Trump.
