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Twilight Zone – Nightcrawlers (10/18/85)

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tznightcrawlers1I have nothing clever to say.

Which has certainly never stopped me from my obligatory daily post before.

Maybe it is the serious subject matter — a Viet Nam vet having psychological problems.

Or maybe just because it is just a really fine episode.

Sadly it does not seem to be on YouTube or Hulu.  Wherever you happen to find it, it is well-worth a watch.  Some places cite it as the best segment of the series and I can believe that.  [UPDATE — YouTube link in Comments]

Post-Post:

  • The original short story by Robert McCammon is followed almost exactly.  The only significant difference is a visit from a couple of Men in Black at the end of the print version.
  • And whatever happened to that hot agent at the end of MIB?  That’s the sequel I wanted to see.

tznightcrawlers4

Twilight Zone – Little Boy Lost / Wish Bank (10/18/85)

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The first two segments of this episode feel like someone at the Department of TV decided to throw conservatives a bone and let them have this episode as equal time.[1]  Little Boy Lost can be taken as a parable about stay-at-home-Moms or, stretching only slightly, abortion; Wish Bank is about the soulless, confiscatory bureaucracy of government.

Little Boy Lost

tzlittleboylost01

Tortoise-shell glasses, turned-up collar, cheesy mustache, and later seen wearing a sweater draped over his shoulders. You’re better off without him.

Carol Shelton is late to the movies [2] with her fella Greg.  She has received a job offer to become a serious photographer, shooting “no more anorexic models, no more scotch ads.”  Which frankly is all that would have drawn me to the profession in the first place. She will now be traveling the world, ergo not in the kitchen much.

Greg is not thrilled at this news. He asks, “Did you ever stop to think about us, our future for a second?”  He doesn’t understand why they can’t just get married and have a couple of kids.  The dialogue here is a little muddled so it isn’t even clear at one point who is taking which side of the argument. Greg’s position is confirmed when he walks off.

tzlittleboylost04Carol’s first “serious” job for the international agency seems to be shooting a kid at the local zoo, although I guess she hasn’t started the new gig yet.  She spots the kid — who, probably not coincidentally, looks a lot like Billy Mumy [3] —  and correctly guesses his name is Kenny.  They take pictures all over the zoo, and even get someone to take a picture of the the two of them. At the end of the day, Carol offers to send copies to Kenny if he will give her his address.  He skateboards off into the magic hour.

Carol develops the negatives and feels a real connection to Kenny.  While she is working, the agency leaves her a message apologizing that the model for her shoot did not show up.  Carol begins to have regrets about putting her career over having babies.

tzlittleboylost10She goes to Greg’s apartment and tells him that she has to take this job, but she is clearly remorseful.  As they embrace, she sees Kenny down on the street looking up. When she goes home, he is in her apartment.

He says, “You told him no!  Why did you tell him no!”  Carol offers to take him home, but he says he doesn’t have one. She asks how he knew where she lived and, like all the men in her life, he runs away.  In this case, however, he literally runs around a corner and vanishes completely.

She later sees him from her window and chases him down.  Seeing that he has freckles as she did, Carol finally realizes who Kenny is.  They both tear up and Kenny asks why she “couldn’t choose me.”  Carol says she will someday, although I assume Kenny was based on a Carol/Greg DNA coupling which now seems unlikely.  Kenny begins fading away like Barfly Bruce in Shatterday.  Before he disappears completely, he twists the knife by saying, “Goodbye, Mom.”  As maudlin music plays, the camera pulls back from her weeping against a non-willow tree, leaving her alone to wallow in her selfishness.

tzlittleboylost11There is a final scene that is also a little muddled.  Carol is on the phone. She promises to “get some great stuff, to tear their hearts out.”  But she is wearing a snappy 80’s business suit which makes you wonder if she is going to continue working in the city.  If she were going international, wouldn’t she be in jeans or camo or a beret?  From her luggage and the closing narration, though, it is clear she has opted to be the jet-setting childless international photographer.

The ending really plays up the sense of loss and wasted opportunity — i.e that Carol blew it.  I guess it would have been a cop-out for her to choose the motherhood route after this experience.  The closing narration and music make it clear her choice is to regarded as tragic.  Now take off them shoes and get back in the kitchen, baby!

Wish Bank

tzlittleboylost13Janice Hammond rubs a magic lamp at a yard sale so gets three wishes. She wishes for $10 million, to look 10 years younger, and for her ex-husband to have erectile dysfunction . . . which I’m sure will be gratifying to enslaved people and starving kids all over the world.

Janice then finds out that she has to pay taxes on her wishes despite the government not having a damn thing to do with it.

Then she has to stand in a long line to get her papers validated.

Then the nasty clerk tells her she is missing a critical form.

Then the clerks all put on their Devo hats and go on break.

There is a reason this place is called the Department of Magical Venues (DMV).

Like many of the short segments, it is a one-joke piece.  But it is a pretty good joke, and like all good jokes, is based on truth.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Yeah, that balances the scales.  Actually, I don’t know if things had gotten so divisive then.  Sure Reagan was in office and hated by many, but I’m not sure pop culture had skewed entirely left yet.
  • [2] Beverly Hills Cop, if it makes a difference.  Watched this again a few weeks ago.  It holds up.
  • [3] Featured in three episodes of the 1960’s series, one episode of the 2000’s series, and the movie.  He was also behind Fish Heads.
  • Linking Fish Heads serendipitously led me to another awesome video from him — The Beatles’ A Day in the Life mashed up with the opening from Green Acres. Great stuff.
  • Classic TZ Legacy:  For shame, riffing on the name of a classic episode.  I look forward to The Mobsters are Due on Maple Street and Ear of the Beholder.
  • [UPDATE] There actually is an upcoming episode called Dead Woman’s Shoes.

Fear Itself – The Spirit Box (01/17/09)

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Becca is helping Shelby study for a science test and in one minute, we get a huge amount of info dumped on us:  It is Halloween, Becca is dressed as an angel, Shelby is dressed as a witch, Shelby’s teacher has the hots for her, Becca is going to Taiwan, they are Wiccans, and Shelby’s mother is dead.  It is handled well, though.

Becca suggests they use a Ouija Board to try to contact Shelby’s dead mother.  Shelby thinks that’s lame, but instead suggests a not-at-all-lame Spirit Box which she learned to make from “one of her books” — Wiccan book, not science book, I suspect.  They whip out a couple of X-Acto Knives which are used for the first time in history to make something other than a fake ID.

They paste cut-out letters onto a used pizza box adorned with YES & NO, pentagrams, a pointer, and a drop of blood from each of them.  It looks suspiciously like a DYI Ouija Board.  Becca is not taking it seriously, but then the pointer slides across the box or maybe it just slid on pepperoni grease.

The pointer spells out MLE which they interpret as their suicidal friend Emily D’Angelo or someone pretending to be Emily D’Angelo, which would still be a pretty good trick.  They ask MLE how she died and the pointer goes to MRDR.  When they ask who killed her, the pointer slide to the corner marked L8TR because mystical beings are notoriously stingy with information (Obi-Wan, Gandalf, etc).

After a couple of eerie incidents (the eeriest being a leering teacher, Mr. Drake), the girls head out to the woods to see if MLE will be more chatty because there will be a “stronger signal” at the site where she died.  After finding the site where she died, Becca runs back to get the Pizza Box.  Nevermind the fact that not initially bringing the Pizza Box is like going outside the strip club for better reception, but not taking my phone.  Shelby goes down to the river to wash her hands.  As she washes up, a pair of hands grabs hers.  Becca and Shelby decide to call it a night, which it clearly is.

Shelby’s father is the sheriff who found MLE’s body.  That night Shelby goes to his office and steals the autopsy report.  MLE had sedatives in her blood when they fished her out of the river.  So maybe someone didn’t want her to put up a struggle, or maybe Bill Cosby had a gig in town that night.

Someone in a cloak and bird mask leaves a note for Shelby that says “Let the dead sleep in peace.”  Becca gets sick and coughs up a necklace with “Emily” on the pendent.

The girls take the pizza box to MLE’s grave that night.  They ask MLE who murdered her.  The wind blows up as the pointer starts moving.  It goes to MRDR and Shelby says, “Yes, we already know that.”  Wait for it . . . it continues on to spell out MR DRAKE.  That’s really kind of beautiful.  Any show that just puts a little effort into being clever is a winner by me.

fispiritbox09Shelby’s father stubbornly refuses to reopen the case based the the testimony of the Pizza Box, so the girls do their own investigation.  Shelby steals a key to Drake’s house. Shelby sees bird masks like the one the stalker was wearing, and finds a bottle pills like the ones that were found in MLE’s blood.

Of course, Drake comes home early.  When he finds Shelby hiding in a closet, she pretends she broke in because she wanted to have the sex with him.  Anna Kendrick is just great here, reeling in this horny old dope until she is close enough to tase him.  He falls down the stairs and breaks his neck — with the head twisted 180 degrees around. Again, bravo!

One month later, Shelby goes back to the graveyard.  She lays flowers on MLE’s grave and says she hopes she can rest.  She discovers the gravestone is a fake and calls Becca in Taiwan.  Yada yada, Becca orchestrated the whole thing,  She killed MLE, rigged the Pizza Box, stalked Shelby, and pretended to hack up the necklace.  All because Mr. Drake had paid too much attention to MLE, and Becca was jealous.

Another fine episode for the series.  Nothing really new here, but some clever bits and solid direction carry it along.  It would have been sunk without excellent performances from both Shelby and Becca.  The actresses were 24 and 25 when this aired, but were completely believable as high school students (at least to some who graduated a long time ago, and who they wouldn’t have spoken to anyway).

Post-Post:

  • Despite having an airdate on IMDb, other sources say this episode did not air in the original run.
  • Drake is lucky he was not caught with one of his students — he might have gotten probation.  No wait, he’s a man so he’d be fired, put on a sex offenders list, and sent to prison.
  • On the plus side, his head would still face forward; just not during sex.
  • The pointer in a Ouija Board is called a planchette, but dang if I was going to type that every time.  Also, a cell phone is used in its place for this episode.
  • Three actors — Jessica Parker Kennedy, Mark Pellegrino, Samantha Hill — were in Bad Meat.  Gotta be a reason for that.
  • Available on YouTube.

Adventure’s End – Robert Leslie Bellem (1935)

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sascoverAnthologies, like Greatest Hits compilations, are not known for saving the best until last.  That is why this blog was created — to force me to finish anthologies (both book and video).  There is reason to be hopeful, though.  The story is by Robert Leslie Bellem, who has been reliable in the past.  And maybe it was given the final slot based on the title rather than quality.  We can only hope.

Like a hurtling comet, the Linchow Limited sped through the impenetrable darkness of the Asiatic night.

There is a knock on the door of Tate Shevlin’s train compartment.  He drops his hand to his pistol and says, “Come in.”  It is a tall, broad-shouldered, slant-eyed Manchurian carrying a mask of yellow silk.  Shevlin recognizes the mask as belonging to The Golden Girl.

That’s kind of a microcosm of this anthology:  Evil non-white other versus a Golden Girl.

The Manchurian says he represents Chen Tsing Gat as did the Golden Girl.  Chen plans to overthrow the corrupt government of Linchow Province.  When the Manchurian asks to see the Claws of the Dragon — stolen jewels recovered by Shevlin — he reveals himself to be an impostor, so Shevlin kills him.  He did have the genuine mask, though, so Shevlin searches for Chen’s real agent.

Seeing blood seeping out under the door of another berth, he busts in.  He finds a beautiful Chinese girl has been stabbed.  He grasped at the knife, wrenching it out of the girl’s quivering body.  Then he ripped away the coat of her pajamas disclosing the naked beauty of her swelling, virginal breasts.  With a handkerchief he stanched the sudden gush of blood that flowed from the gasping wound in her ivory side.  His hand went to her left breast pressed against the mollescent ivory flesh  The girl’s heart fluttered faintly.  Note to aspiring EMTs:  The best place to test a girl’s pulse is not the wrist or carotid artery.  Simply rip her top off and start feeling her boobs.[1]

She knows her hours are numbered, and not in the double-digits.  Before she dies, she wants to take Shevlin to Chen and the Golden Girl.  At the next top, Shevlin carries her off the train.  He held her close to him, gently, protectively.  Her firm ivory breasts were bare and warm against his chest.  Note #2 to aspiring EMTs: . . . and really give them a chance to air out.

Before she “goes to meet her ancestors”, she tells Shevlin he can find Chen and the Golden Girl in the ancient royal tombs about two miles away.  He laid her body by the side of the road.  The shadows of the night were to be her shroud, the soft earth her death-couch.  Dude, bury her — you’re going to the tombs anyway!

At the tomb, he finds his beloved Golden Girl.  Chen saved her father’s life but he died before he could repay the debt.  Golden Girl has promised a year of service to Chen to honor the debt.  After that, she will return to America with Shevlin.  She takes Shevlin down into the tombs to meet Chen.  He says it is time for the revolution to begin against the corrupt Wu Shang Clan.  Soldiers bust in on them and Shevlin goes full-Jack Bauer. He blasts away with his pistol, then brains them with the butt, pounds them with his fists and hurls a sword through one’s chest.

The Golden Girl screamed as clutching yellow hands tore at the silk of her robe, ripped it from her perfect body.  It takes a platoon of men, but Shevlin is finally taken down.  Lucky for him, Wu Shang wants all three of them alive, and only 1/3 of them naked.

Shevlin, Chen and the naked Golden Girl are held by Chen.  He wants the Claws of the Dragon from Chen and will torture all three to get them.  As a demonstration, he brings in two rebels who opposed him — a huge Asiatic man and, of course, a naked woman. They are tortured by a topless woman.  And she is good at her job — with a whip, she is able to lash the dude’s eyeball right out of his head.  She the hoists him up, then lowers him slowly into a vat of molten lead.

Wu Shang takes the naked Chinese woman into the backroom for his pleasure before being tortured.  An unimpressive five minutes later, Studly brings out her dead body.  For the forth story in this collection, a woman has been shot or stabbed through the left breast. He tosses her into the molten lead.  Chen agrees to delivere the jewels if Shevlin and Golden Girl are released.

Chen comes through and hands over the jewels.  The torturess — still topless — visits Shevlin and Golden Girl to warn them that Wu Shang is planning to kill them anyway. She tells Golden Girl, “Your white breasts will not be so beautiful when they have tasted the fire of my branding irons.  And when your beauty has been utterly destroyed, your American sweetheart will turn to me.”  Shevlin is able to break free and shove her against the vat of lead which she tips over, killing her in a fiery Niagara of death.  When Wu Shang comes to investigate, Shevlin kills him too.

There is another chapter where Shevlin kills a few more henchmen after pretending to be Wu Shang.  Despite the soldiers peeking, he passes for Wu Shang raping Golden Girl.  Apparently he screws just like a Chinaman.

Yada, yada happy ending.

Thus endeth maybe the 2nd anthology I’ve ever read all the way through.  The system works.

Post-Post:

  • [1]  Research is inconclusive on using this technique with fat guys or girls under 18, so best not to risk injury or jail.
  • Title Analysis:  Nice.  Now that Shevlin has rescued Golden Girl and they have found happiness, his adventures are at an end.  Just like Indiana Jones IV. Except this story wasn’t so lousy that it needs a sequel to apologize for it.
  • Golden Girl is never given a name.
  • First published in April 1935.
  • I finally figured out Robert Leslie Bellem also wrote under the name Ellery Watson Calder, so he is responsible for 20% of the stories in this collection.