Author Archives: don

Tales of Tomorrow – The Golden Ingot (05/09/52)

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ttgoldingot04Professor Vanya, believing he will succeed tonight where that dolt Isaac Newton [1] failed, is attempting to turn lead into gold.  He tells his daughter Margaret, “In a few moments, I will take out of this oven the dream of every alchemist since the days of the great Flaubert in 1382.”  That was 500 years before Gustave Flaubert, so I have no idea who he is talking about.  Unless Flaubert also invented time travel.

His daughter is skeptical of his ravings, but he claims they will be richer than Croesus who invented the pants-pressing machine, and richer than Midas who founded a chain of muffler repair shops.  For the time being, though, he is a little short; also doesn’t have much cash.

He gets a visit from his downstairs neighbor Hodges asking for the 2,000 francs Vanya owes him.  He threatens to take Vanya to court if he doesn’t have his francs by Monday.

ttgoldingot25When the timer goes off, he asks Margaret to open the kiln door.  She pulls out a tray, but it is mere slag — 15 years wasted.  He is so distraught, he drinks from a bottle of poison.  Margaret runs down the hall to get her fiancee Charles — a real scientist.  It must have been that 24-hour poison, because he is quickly back up and pseudo-sciencing the shit out of that stuff.

Margaret is afraid the constant failures will destroy her father Vanya.  The next time he has a batch in the kiln, she secretly replaces the slag with a gold ingot she has purchased — for about $5,000,000 given the size of it.  When she and Vanya look at the next day’s results, he is ecstatic to find a block of gold.  That night, Margaret secretly sneaks in and puts the same gold ingot back into the kiln so Vanya will think he has succeeded in making a second bar.  Margaret is able to continue the ruse until Vanya tells her to sell a ingot to pay Hodges back.  Charles gives her the cash to pay back Hodges.

That night, Margaret leaves another gold ingot in the kiln for her father to find.  Unfortunately, that night, Hodges breaks in and steals the only real gold ingot.

ttgoldingot24The next morning, Hodges shows up and asks for his francs.  Margaret was going to take the gold to the “gold market” that morning to pay him back.  He sees the gold ingot is gone, so concludes she must have taken it.  At this point, he believes he has made at least seven ingots, so couldn’t she have taken one of the others?

Margaret and Charles fess up.  This drives Vanya into a rage and he has a heart attack.  After he croaks, Margaret and Charles find that his last batch actually did create a gold ingot.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Really, what the hell was he thinking?
  • A rarity — I have never seen a single one of these actors in another show according to my big bag o’ SQL.
  • Gene Lockhart (Vanya) was the father of June Lockhart (Lost in Space).

The Devil’s Daughter – Clark Nelson (1939)

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sascoverBuck Mason was going to kill a man if he himself wasn’t killed first by the fever.

He is in Columbia to kill Don Fernando for murdering his gal-pal Diane before she had a chance to show us her boobs.[1]  She had pledged herself to Fernando as payment for her father’s debts.

“Mason envisioned the joy of choking the life from this monster, Don Fernando, whom he had never seen; or of burying a knife slowly in his belly.”  I guess these are just idle fantasies as Mason brought a Luger to do the actual deed.

His guide Carnicio quietly directs his attention to a nearly nude woman tied to a tree and covered with a viscous goo.  The good news, in addition to the swell nudity, is that she is still alive.  As she struggles and pleads with her captors, Mason’s eyes adjust to the dark and he sees that what he thinks is a viscous goo, is really a swarm of ants working their way up her lithe body.

Mason charges into the circle of Indians “swinging his gun butt mercilessly upon astonished Indians.”  Carnicio swings the woman’s butt mercifully out of the tree. “Mason tried to clear her infested flesh of the horde of ants enveloping her.  Crushing them and sweeping off her soft and tender skin, he took water from Carnicio and washed and bathed her until her tan, supple body shone smoothly.”  This is how the advertising scam rinse, repeat was conceived.  Although it sound more like Don Draper than Don Fernando.

The woman tells them that Don “The Wicked One” Fernando did this to her, further infuriating Mason.  He offers to take her to casa de Fernando to watch him be anything-but-shot, but she declines and just asks that he tell Alvarado that she is alive.

He continues through the jungle toward Fernando as the fever worsens.  He is fatigued, suffers from Vertigo, and hears a pounding in his head.  He again daydreams of strangling Fernando.  Maybe it’s the fever — use the gun, idiot!  Use the gun!

Mason comes to a building in a clearing and sees an Indian being tortured.  He flips out and puts a bullet through the spine of the torturer.  He then screams, “Don Fernando, Don Fernando!  Come out, murderer!  Come out and fight!  Come out so I can avenge Diane!”

A beautiful woman comes out and calmly tells him Don Fernando died a few weeks earlier.  “With his last remaining strength, he protested that it couldn’t be so.  Oh no, he was going to bash Don Fernando’s brains in.”  The gun, stupid — you were going to shoot him!  Being robbed of his vengeance and being racked with fever, Mason collapses onto the ground.

He awakens 10 days later to find himself in worse trouble.  Don Fernando is dead, but his mistress Rosita has assumed his position.  And it was she that killed Diane out of jealousy when Fernando brought her to Columbia.  Then she killed Fernando and took over his plantation.

Mala, the girl they saved from the ants sneaks into the house.  She tells Mason she was tortured and Carnicio was killed because Rosita thinks they have information on the Lost Inca Mines.  As proof of Rosita’s evilness, Mala gives him a little head — Carnicio’s; then Mala gives him a little head — Diane’s. [2]

Oddly, Mason’s name becomes Carson for one sentence:  “Carson reached the gruesome trophy, took it in his hands.  He was kissing the shriveled monstrosity with slobbering lips.” [3]

He quickly reverts to Mason when Rosita bursts in with a machete.  There is much fighting and tearing of clothes as “the two almost naked women tumbled and contorted on the floor at his feet.”  Rosita is just about to stab Mala when Mason grabs a spear — use the gun, stupid!  He is, however, able to put the spear through Rosita, killing her and saving Mala.

After several rereadings, the logistics of the ending still baffle me.

  1. Mala puts Mason in a canoe, and only then does he realize he is still holding Diane’s shrunken head in his hand.
  2. Some messengers catch up to him with a package from Mala.  He opens the package and screams like a madman, “I knew I’d never get away from her!”
  3. A month later, Mason is found passed out with three sacks of gold.  In one hand is a shrunken head with blonde hair.  In the other is a shrunken head with dark hair.  WTF?
  4. So what was in the package Mala sent him?  A map to the formerly-Lost Inca Mine I guess.  And Rosita’s head?  Was Mala into head-shrinking also?  Why would she send it to Mason?  And why would he keep it?  And why would he be carrying both heads around clasped in his hands?

I like the idea of the freed protagonist, but this was one of the lesser stories.  I have high hopes for the final story.  Anthologies are not known for saving the best until last, but this one is written by Robert Leslie Bellem.

Post-Post:

  • [1] For those unfamiliar with Spicy Adventure’s ouvre, you can count on every female character showing off her luscious, ample breasts.
  • [2] I couldn’t resist using it twice.
  • [3] In 75 years, no one has fixed this?  If it was left untouched for historical purposes, at least throw a (sic) after it.
  • Title Analysis:  Complete gibberish.  There are no daughters or parents in the story.
  • First published in December 1939.

The Veil – The Doctors (1958)

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vdoctors01In a small Italian shack in a small Italian village, a mamasan or mamacita[1] or whatever the hell they have in Italy is praying hysterically. The bambina Francesca is sick. The womenfolk call for the menfolk to go get the doctor while they weep and pray hysterically.

Dr. Carlo Marcabienti (Boris Karloff) [2] is being visited by his son Angelo Marcabienti (nobody).  Angelo is also a doctor, but a city slicker who regards his father’s patients as peasants, whereas his kindly father regards the peasants as patients.  His father’s maid Maria suggests young Angelo could take his father’s place in the village.  Having been off the farm, he is far happier in the city working at a slick hospital with cool sterile equipment and hot sterile nurses.

Carlo’s driver Giuseppe takes him on a shack-call to a local hypochondriac. While he is away, Angelo tries to convince Maria to tell Carlo he should retire and go to live with in the city with him.  They are interrupted by Tony Bianchi who wishes the doctor to check on his sister Francesca.  Since Carlo is out, Angelo offers to go see her. When Carlo gets back from his call, he sends Giuseppe to give Angelo a ride back since there are gale-force winds outside.

vdoctors14The simple Bianchi family are wary of this whippersnapper looking at Francesca.  They seem to have a hard time accepting that the young man is a doctor.  He examines the child and determines that she requires immediate surgery despite having no insurance. Her father refuses to allow the procedure, still insisting that she needs the real doctor.

When Giuseppe arrives, Angelo sends him right back to get his father.  Carlo arrives and Angelo tells him his diagnosis is diphtheria.  Angelo complains, “What’s wrong with these peasants?  A child choking to death for lack of a simple tracheotomy and they wouldn’t let me touch her!”  Carlo never says a word.  He draws the curtain and he and Angelo get to work.

After the operation, the family rushes in to see Francesca and Carlo returns home. Back at casa de Marcabienti, Angelo thanks his father for showing up when he did.  But Carlo says he has been snoozing all this time.

He wasn’t the only one.

vdoctors24Post-Post:

  • [1] Hours of research reveal that mamasan actually refers to an Asian pimp, and mamacita does not refer to a mother, but to a hot tamale.  The phrase I couldn’t remember, mamma mia, is the only correct usage of the bunch.  But I didn’t see the movie.
  • [2] I’ve gained a new respect for Karloff’s acting ability after only four episodes of this series. He has played a variety of characters and not lazily fallen back on his creepy reputation. However, he made zero effort at an Italian accent here. I can only assume that is why they loaded him up with the most Italian moniker since Michelangelo Buonarroti.

Leaf of the Lotus – Guy Russell (1937)

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sascoverLieutenant Pat Gardner drives to the Hawaiian home of Ah Lee Cheng-kai.  A beautiful Chinese woman serves them tea.  Seeing that Gardner likes her, Ah Lee introduces her as Puen T’ang  — oh come on!  Who wrote this, Ian Fleming?

Another white girl as disappeared, the daughter of a officer at Pearl Harbor.  Cheng comments, “White flesh has an irresistible attraction for the mongrel spawn of these brown people.  The misbegotten liliha dogs.”

Gardner is investigating the disappearance of several girls.  None ever turn up, even dead.  They just seem to vanish.  Poon Tang pours Gardner another drink but accidentally spills some on him.  Cheng instructs his huge servant — also Flemingly-named Wun Kow — to take her to the quarters below for punishment.  Gardner says this is not necessary, but adds, “I don’t even want to know what you’re going to do to her.”  Add this to the fact that many of Cheng’s wives have disappeared, and we may deduce Gardner is no Charlie Chan; or Erle Stanley.

After a 2-hour meal, Cheng takes Gardner below to watch One Cow mete out the punishment to Poon Tang.  Gardner is stunned to see her hands cuffed above her head, held by a rope and pulley from the ceiling.  She is draped in some sort of “sack-like garment“, that is it is kind of “shapeless“, I mean sort of a “tubular shroud” with some sort of “drawstring” and . . . oh hell, in 5 seconds, she’s naked anyhow.

Her upstretched arms threw every line of her perfect body into bold relief against warm, velvety skin.  From glowing honey-colored breasts down the smooth swell of her stomach, to rounded curving hips, her perfect little body raised the already dangerous temperature of Gardner’s blood to another degree.

One Cow whips her with a 3-foot braided whip.  Gardener tries to stop him, but Cheng assures him that the beating is light.  Her anguish is really at “the lack of a young strong man to assuage her.”  i.e. she just needs a man.  Cheng leaves Gardner alone with Poon Tang, but he is a gentleman and just releases her.

A week later as Gardner is preparing for a swell night of playing Bridge, he learns that his date has disappeared.  He races to Cheng’s house and shoves a .45 in his gut. Cheng knows where the girl is but says he won’t tell Gardner for his own good.  As he is leaving Poon Tang sees him, and tells him Cheng is responsible for all the disappearances.

Poon Tang directs him back to the underground lair. He sees Cheng and One Cow standing beside a “girl’s slender, naked body hanging head-downward from a great hook”.  Gardner shoots Cheng, then sees his erstwhile Bridge partner “alive, clothing stripped from her long smooth thighs and swelling, upthrust breasts”.

One Cow then attacks.  Gardner is able to fight him off, but gets an assist from Poon Tang who stabs him between the shoulder blades, then flees.  Gardner gallantly offers the unclothed girl a raincoat.  Well, after untying her straps . . . explaining to her why Poon Tang wasn’t killed . . . marching her buck-naked up the stairs . . . then totally nude down the driveway . . . and 100% bare-assed down the road . . . to the car where he left his raincoat.

I also imagine a lot of fumbling with keys, and maybe her shivering in a light freezing rain, but that’s really reading between the lines.

Post-post:

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Out There: Darkness (01/25/59)

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ahpoutthere09Bette Davis, cinema’s biggest mystery to anyone under 75, is talking to her little frou-frou dog.[1] And I mean really talking, like asking its opinion of her hat.  She is a little sad as this is her anniversary.  It has been 15 years since her husband died in the war; or maybe just went into hiding.

Davis is going out tonight to play Bridge with a dull couple [2]. Vanessa the dog will be going out with her “boyfriend” according to Davis. The boyfriend — well-groomed Doorman Eddie — rings the bell.  As soon as Vanessa sees Eddie, she barks and runs to him.  He is very anxious to get his $5 dog-walking fee in advance.

A few days later Eddie arrives unannounced on his day off.  This time he is unshaven in a ratty jacket and asks for more money.  His needs it for his girl who has been in a sanitarium for a year with lung problems (i.e. needs an abortion).  She refuses his request for $50, instead giving him a lecture on budgeting.

ahpoutthere21The next night as she is ignominiously forced to walk her own dog, Vanessa leads her down a dark alley.  Dark alley in the 1950s meaning well-lit and clean with a couple of tidy cans.  She is attacked from behind by a man in a hat. Repeat, suspect is hatted.

Later in her apartment she tells the police she lost her wedding ring as well as $180.  That’s a wad of money — $1,500 in 2016 dollars — so she must be either pretty well-off or was looking for Joe Buck [3]. She describes the attacker — tall, rough cheap jacket material.  Vanessa didn’t bark at first, almost as if she knew the man. She goes down to the station to identify a suspect. She says it is not him.

The next day, Eddie is back at work, shaven and in uniform.  Davis tells him she was robbed, but all she cares about is the ring.  They have a conversation about whether the thief would return the ring for $500.  Eddie says he doesn’t think that plan will work, and Davis dismisses him.  This a tricky role to play as Eddie needs to appear only plausibly guilty.

ahpoutthere30Sgt Kirby shows up as Eddie is leaving.  Davis tells him about Eddie asking for $50 the day before.  She is a little upset that Eddie did not take her $500 offer.  She says she can still feel his jacket as he choked her. Eddie protests that he did not take her ring.  She IDs Eddie as the thief.

A year after she sends Eddie to the big house, Sgt Kirby stops by.  He tells her Eddie never had her ring.  It was found at the home of the suspect she let go.  When Kirby reminds her that she sent an innocent man to jail, she protests, “Well if I made a mistake, it was an honest one.  After all you are the detective.  It’s up to you to check these things!”

She continues, “He had no alibi at the trial.  A jury found him guilty.”  Kirby reminds her that it was based on her identification.  He says he will feel better when Eddie is released.

ahpoutthere36

TV’s first money shot

She asks for the ring, but Kirby says they will need it as evidence until Eddie is free.  She says she hopes it isn’t weeks and weeks. Kirby suggests that Eddie is probably thinking the same thing. Bravo.

Eddie gets his old job back.  One day, Davis is taking Vanessa out when she sees him in the elevator — awkward!  She tells him she spoke to the manager about him being rehired — so I guess he should be grateful.  And that it wasn’t easy testifying against him — so I guess he should feel sorry for her.  And that Vanessa has missed him — so I guess he should feel guilty about being out of town.  Still attempting to ease her conscience, she gives Eddie the $500 she had offered a year earlier.

Davis:  Oh by the way, how is your fiancee?

Eddie:  She died while I was in prison.

That wipes the oblivious smile off her face.  Some time later, after walking Vanessa, she is strangled in her apartment.  This time it is Eddie.  He spills the Benjamins over her body in what might have been the TV’s first money shot, and is back in jail quicker than Tobias Beecher.

Davis was hard to figure out in this one.  Clearly she felt some guilt at sending Eddie to the slammer, but it certainly didn’t consume her.  I think it was more a matter of him being merely a doorman.  She didn’t look down on him, and was always nice to him, but she knew there was an understood, unspoken distance between them.  When he asked for money that unspoken pact was breached.  That said, she didn’t purposely send him away.  She was just able to conceive that a mere doorman might have done this.

Her decision was partially based on Vanessa not initially barking, but only when she was attacked — therefore, she believed the attacker to be someone she knew.  This is laughably false as the dog gives a bark at Eddie every time she sees him — except the time he killed her.  I think this is more of a production goof than any maliciousness on Davis’ part.

Davis is a little over the top as the crazy cat lady — OK, it’s a poodle, but that is soooo close. And James Congdon is a little stiff as Eddie.  It could have been given a little more energy, but it was a decent episode.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Seriously, what were people thinking back then?  If Charlize Theron went back in time would the people’s heads explode at her beauty?  Would they even recognize it?
  • [2] Contract Bridge sounds dull.  Contact Bridge, now you’ve got something.  Play a thousand hands of Bridge and . . .
  • [3] The prostitute, not the sports announcer.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  James Congdon, born in 1921 still hanging in there!  He is the father of Amanda Congdon who I vaguely remember as hosting Rocketboom ten years ago on YouTube.  It appears to no longer exist, and the website is dark.
  • Title Analysis:   Pretty murky.  What’s with the colon (which sometimes appears as a hyphen)?  It is almost as bad as the Star Trek reboot titles.