Closed Caption Fun – Rope (1948)
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Science Fiction Theatre – Y.O.R.D. (04/30/55)
The voice-over tells us we are on “the campus of one of our great universities near Washington, DC.” This is immediately called into question as they have a Department of Parapsychology.
Lt. Col. Van Dyke busts into the office of Dr. Lawton despite a sign that warns, EXPERIMENT IN PROGRESS — DO NOT ENTER.” The dick, Van Dyke, finds Lawton has hooked up brain-scanning equipment to his smoking hot assistant Edna to test for ESP. She closes her eyes and Lawton says to her, “I’m focusing on something I’m holding in my hand. I’m sending you a mental picture.” She bucks the odds by guessing he is holding a yellow pencil, rather than his junk, but she is correct. He congratulates her on getting 21 out of 30. But really, since she was guessing from an almost infinite number of possibilities rather than say a deck of playing cards or different shapes, this is miraculous. Or maybe he’s pulling a Venkman.
Van Dyke interrupts to say the government wants Lawton to go the North Pole. The all-man crew at the weather station are “in a state of mind that is incredible and unreal. They are suddenly psychic.” Eighteen hours later, Lawton, Van Dyke and Edna are on the way to the North Pole. The pilot radios ahead that he is landing with “one witch doctor, one chicken colonel [1], and one luscious babe.” One of the men senses their friend Grayson is in trouble, so they rush out to find him before he freezes or has to cut open a tauntaun.
“The Brain, the Brass, and the Babe” land and enter the one-room base. The men ask Dr. Lawton how they knew where Grayson was when they sensed he needed help. Lawton tests Warrant Officer Milligan by looking at a picture in a book and asking Milligan to guess what it is. He correctly guesses a tiger, a leopard and a panther. After a series of questions, Lawton scores Milligan at 66%, or three times normal, demonstrating this show has zero understanding of statistics. Every man on the base was able to psychically identify cards, shapes and numbers.
“It was far after midnight when Edna was subjected to the same tests, and she was on her way to an unheard of 100%.” Of course, being the only woman around for a thousand miles, she didn’t need to be psychic to read these guy’s minds. After a string of perfect responses, she begins getting signals from a different source — the word YORD for example.
Star Trek’s DeForest Kelley was 35 in this episode. By comparison, Karl Urban was 37 as McCoy in the reboot.
In the middle of the night, everyone is awakened as Milligan unconsciously sends a radio signal, “YORD.” Edna faints and, if I am not mistaken, Dr. Hall [2] takes this opportunity to brush his hand along her prominent breasts. The less Trumpian officers put a gizmo on Edna’s head as she is still comatose and record her brain-waves. The waves are translated into sounds. Through a means too ludicrous to describe, the sounds are transcribed into English letters, but still gibberish by the CIA. The mysterious YORD is used as a key.
In a cryptological feat of Kanamitian proportions, the CIA is able to decipher the four letters as standing for DISASTER CALL ADVISE WHAT TO DO. Van Dyke, now back in DC, wires the full transcript to Lawton. It is an SOS from alien Exploration Ship 7 radioing home that they are losing power. This signal mixed with the magnetism of the North Pole — even though they aren’t at the North Magnetic Pole — caused their psychic abilities.
The gang comes up with a method for the alien ship to descend to earth slowly enough so it doesn’t burn up . . . because there’s nothing aliens like better than a bunch of hairless apes telling them how to park after they’ve crossed the galaxy. Since Edna had the most psychic ability, they put the gizmo back on 
her head and use her to transmit the instructions . . . because it will be much better coming from a woman. The ship falls to Earth and eventually disappears from the radar.
Another station radios that the alien ship was destroyed in a fireball. Dr. Lawton is philosophical over their failure to save the alien ship. At least now we know we are not alone in the universe, and we know that interplanetary travel is possible.
Another overwhelmingly meh episode.
Post-Post:
- [1] A Chicken Colonel is a full Colonel, but it has been established that Van Dyke is a Lt. Colonel. Witch doctor and luscious babe are pretty on-target, though.
- [2] DeForest Kelley, 11 years before playing McCoy on Star Trek.
- Rachel Ames was previously seen in The Hidden Thing.
- Leon Benson has a ton of directing credits, most involving shows with horses or dolphins. This is his only writing credit.
Watch that hand, bub!
Outer Limits – Re-Generation (01/24/97)
Four year old Justin is being rushed through the hospital with a contusion on the posterior skull from falling down the stairs. His mother Rebecca (Kim Cattrall) rushes to the hospital to join her husband Graham (Daniel Benghazi) who is showing all the emotion of a man of a man sitting for a passport photo. Sadly, Justin did not survive.
Rebecca is distraught because it had been so difficult for her to get pregnant the first time. Graham suggests that this day of their son’s death, they head down to the lab. They meet Dr. Cole (genresnaps-fave Teryl Rothery) who show how they can inject a glob of snot with some DNA from their dead son and grow a new Justin.
This is the act break for the credits. After only four minutes, it is already obvious what the problem is with this episode. Daniel Benzali is unbelievably emotionless and dull. As a coma patient, he would be too subdued; as the father of a dead son who is playing God, he is virtually inhuman. This is dullness on a Gabriel Byrne level. Like Byrne, he has a unique talent for sucking the life out of every scene, every line-reading and every word; also like Byrne, he has an inexplicable talent for getting cast. [1]
Always a master of timing, Graham chooses the day of the funeral to talk Rebecca into having this science project injected into her. Although, with Graham’s meat-syringe as the alternative, her acceptance is understandable. He shows her a simulation of new Justin at 20 years old “already an inch taller than his dad.” WTF? Is he suggesting that he won’t be fully grown by age 20?
Six months after Rebecca’s insemination, Graham gets a call from the governor possibly to endorse Graham’s run for congress. After building a hugely successful medical company on the cutting edge of innovation, anonymously funding a hospital wing and raking in big coin, he is finally ready to make the tens of millions of dollars, stocks and real estate mysteriously earned by $174,000 per year civil servants.
While he is out, Rebecca has a vision, but is is seen through ex-Justin’s eyes; memories from his POV. Justin II is a sentient infant like the one in The Small Assassin, or Donald Trump. She goes to Dr. Cole for an ultrasound. She amazes Cole by being able to wake the baby in her stomach and also have him wave at the doctor on the ultra-sound. Cole decides the reason she can communicate with Justin II is the special umbilical cord. In addition to the standard two arteries and a vein, there is an HTML cable going into her brain.
That night, Justin II is thrashing around, waking Rebecca up to more visions from Justin I’s perspective. Although, just be clear, Justin II IS Justin I. To comfort the baby, she brings out some of his toys and plays with them. Sadly it was not Mr. Bubble and a little tugboat, but being six months pregnant I can overlook this lost opportunity. When Graham begins speaking to the baby, he throws a fit and Rebecca has a seizure.
When she leaves the hospital, she gives Justin a tour of the house. When she approaches the fireplace, he begins thrashing about. She again experiences from Justin’s POV. This time she sees her husband get frustrated at the kid’s noise making. He accidentally knocks Justin back and he conks his skull on the hearth. Just to make sure we get it, the memories suddenly become omniscient POV, including both Graham and Justin in the shot. They still retain the same memory-indicating masking around the frame, though.
Rebecca promises Justin that Graham will never go near him again. She senses that Graham is going to push her down the stairs, so flees toward the attic. I’m not one to criticize the staging of a scene mostly because I’m usually too dense to notice. It really is egregious here, though. Rebecca pushes past Graham and goes down the hall. Despite him being only 10 feet behind her, the pregnant woman has time to 1) grab a stick with a hook on it, 2) use said hook to lower the folding stairs to the attic, 3) climb the stairs to the attic, 4) find the light, and 5) work the mechanism which will pull the stairs back up.
Graham resourcefully grabs a fireplace poker to attempt to lower the stairs. His dullness in this scene would be comical if it evoked any response at all. Here is a man who killed his son (accidentally, to be fair), discovered a miraculous baby is gestating in his wife, has had his dark secret revealed to his wife, has just been accused of trying to kill her (or maybe actually planning to do so [2]), and has chased her into the attic. He is more laid back than Michael Myers smoking a bone. His delivery of his wife’s name, “Rebecca” as he stares at the closed attic door could not have had less dramatic impact if it were crocheted onto a satin pillow.
Baby Justin has apparently added psychic abilities to his repertoire as he shows Rebecca where a rifle is hidden in the attic. Then shows her where the bullets are. Then shows her where the key is. Is this really information they allowed Justin to have? And don’t forget we keep the trigger lock in the sock drawer, sweetie.
Graham is finally able to lower the stairs, climbs into the attic, and approaches Rebecca. He calmly (how else?) tells her she has nothing to be afraid of. Is his stoicism because he is psychotic or because he is sincerely worried about her? Since it is exactly the same monotone as every word he has spoken in the episode, it is impossible to say. However, since his demeanor has not changed one iota in 41 minutes, it does seems premature when she shotguns him.
The jury must disagree because in the next shot she is taking Justin to the doctor for a cold — a baby, not a fetus. Unseen by Rebecca, Dr. Cole is around the corner patting her stomach and assuring her in utero baby Graham that everything will be alright. We get the same internal shot of her baby that we were repeatedly treated to of Justin. What the hell?
I suppose the answer is that she got her hands on some of Graham’s DNA and injected another one of those snot-balls [3] to make herself a new Graham. But why?
Is this new super-baby also destined to avenge a wrongful death? But, unlike Justin I, there was no mystery to Graham’s death. The facts would have been pretty clear and either Rebecca was not charged or she was found not-guilty.
Evil babies are always fun, and it’s always nice to see Teryl Rothery. Sadly, Daniel Benzali sinks the episode.
.Post-Post:
- [1] Dan, baby, what’s with the colored lenses on your IMDb page? You’ve gone Hollywood, man!
- [2] Such a void is his performance that it is impossible to tell whether he planned to kill her or not. It would have been out of character to, you know, actually do something; but super-baby seemed to sense it.
- [3] Technically, a blastocyst.
The Veil – Jack the Ripper (1958)
Walter Durst is scheduled to give his final lecture on clairvoyance. His wife Judith is angry that the tiny ad in the newspaper would need a clairvoyant to find it. He is a clairvoyant of the kind you see only on TV — genuine. He is concerned that he dreamed of a murder last night.
He dreamed he walked along an alley in the East End and witnessed a murder. He looked in the window of a pub. A clock ticked loudly, and he noticed the time. He looked up and saw a sign reading Bucks Row East. He wishes he knew what it meant.
Judith tells him of the newspaper story of the murder of Mary Nichols whose body was just found in Bucks Row. The police say she was butchered with surgical skill. Police believe she was murdered by the same person who killed Martha Turner three weeks earlier. Both women were prostitutes although, judging by their pictures, they might have just starved to death. [1]
Judith thinks it would be swell if Walter told the police where the next murder would occur, but he doesn’t want to get involved. She convinces him that he could save countless lives, so he gives in. When Walter offers his services to the police, he is shown to the bench where all the other nuts clairvoyants seeking the reward are seated. It’s a pretty good gag undermined by the score and direction. Walter walks out, passing an hysterical woman who claims her little girl is clairvoyant. Oh, what a good Alfred Hitchcock Presents director could have done with this!
A few days later, Walter has a vision. Somehow the vision has left him with a bloody hand although damn if I can figure out why. Judith suggests he might want to wash his hands, but he would rather call Scotland Yard. Possessing super-vision, Judith concludes that it is Walter’s own blood.
On the way to Scotland Yard, Walter gets the willies, suggesting that the killer is near. They get off the bus and follow a man into the park. They lose him, so continue to Scotland Yard. Walter informs them that a woman will be found the next day with her ears severed from her head. The inspector asks for a sample of his handwriting. The inspector produces letter from Jack the Ripper in the same handwriting, so locks Walter up.
Luckily for Walter, an earless woman is found murdered while he is in jail. Walter says he knows how to find the killer. The next night, he takes the inspector to the park. Half in a trance, he leads them on a walk, ending at a door he proclaims to be Jack the Ripper’s house. Unfortunately, the owner of the house croaked the night before.
Blah, blah, blah. It is all so deadly dull that it’s not worth mentioning. I literally fell asleep the first three times I attempted to watch this episode. How do you take a story about Jack the Ripper, filled with murder and prostitutes, and make it so dull?
Feh, good riddance to The Veil.
Post-Post:
- [1] See, because they didn’t make much money, being so unattractive.
Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Right Price (03/08/59)
Mort and Jocelyn are working in an office. We know it is olden times because she is using an adding machine the size of a 30 pound turkey and smoking in the office, although sadly not smoking the turkey [1].
Mort has worked out by hand that his share of the profit is $705. Jocelyn corrects him to say his share is only $505. She accuses him of accusing her of trying to cheat him. She checks his figures and says, “You’ve got a seven instead of a three in the 2nd column.” How that could result in a $200 difference, I can’t see. [2]
She says she doesn’t know why she went into business with him, and he says he regrets letting her buy in. She loaned him money when no one else would, but at an astronomical 10% because she had a big heart. He zings her, “You mean that adding machine below your ribs?” She explains, “Shut up!” Then she strips naked.
Wait, thank God, she only strips off her dress and remains in a slip. I can imagine this was quite a shock in 1959, and it actually startled me today. The married couple walk out the door of their home-office and march up the stairs to bed. The insulting and sniping continues. They crawl into their respective twin beds and pull the covers up to their necks. Jocelyn’s idea of pillow talk is, “You’ll never get a cent of my money.”
That night, Mort hears a noise downstairs. He surprises a 54 year-old burglar. Are there any 54 year-old burglars? I like to think they’ve all been shot much sooner than that. The burglar asks to see the silver-ware, then rejects it as junk when he sees one of the utensils is a spork. He has a bigger plan in mind, though.
He tells Mort about a job he pulled recently. The homeowner stuck the insurance company for $5,000 more than the items taken, so everyone was a winner. You know, except the poor saps whose premiums are raised to cover such fraud. Playing on Mort’s pride in being a businessman, the burglar suggests a similar arrangement.
Unfortunately, the house is full of junky silverware, cheap art, fake jewelry and glass crystal. However, there is something even more worthless in the house — his naggingshrewofawife (which is such a stock character on AHP, it should be a single word). The burglar says he can make that problem disappear. They haggle and agree on a price of $3,500 to kill her.
No time like the present, so the burglar goes upstairs and enters the couple’s bedroom. After a few minutes, Mort goes up and finds that the burglar has already suffocated Jocelyn with a pillow. He offers for Mort to “check her yourself.” When Mort leans over, the burglar conks him on the head with a pistol butt and suffocates him.
Jocelyn opens her eyes and they have a good laugh. She had hired the burglar for $5,000 to go through this whole routine.
A nice little story. The reveal of them as a married couple was slightly telegraphed — nobody on AHP bickers like that except married couples. But Jocelyn tearing off her dress was effective even if not particularly at all sexy. The gem in the story, though, is Eddie Foye Jr. as the burglar. Much of the episode is simply him and Mort talking. Foye has such a funny and disarming — even though armed — style of delivering his lines, that it is a pleasure to watch.
I rate it the price is right.
Post-Post:
- [1] FWIW, I had smoked turkey last Thanksgiving, and it was awesome.
- [2] I didn’t initially see it because it was clever. The error was probably $400, so his 50% would be $200 off. I appreciate them taking the time to make small things work out.
- In a strange coincidence, Mort is played by Allyn Joslyn. His wife in the episode is named Jocelyn.
- June Dulo (Jocelyn) went on to be Murray the Cop’s wife Mimi in The Odd Couple.
- AHP Deathwatch: No survivors.