Tales from the Crypt – You, Murderer (01/25/95)

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The big gimmick is that Humphrey Bogart has been awkwardly inserted into several scenes.  There seems to have been a big deal made of this at the time even though the same director made Forrest Gump a year before and Woody Allen did something similar in Zelig 12 years earlier.  The effect is nothing special, yet there is fun to be had here.

The whole episode is a flashback, which is almost never a good idea.  It does not flash back to the 40s or 50s when Bogart was alive, though.  It begins in the present, or least, the present in 1995.  We see Bogart’s mug in the side-view mirror of a wrecked car as he narrates.  It is simultaneously off-putting and interesting.  The image shown appears to merely be a colorized 2-D photo of Bogart.  They further deaden the dead actor with the stylistic choice to not have his lips move.

On the other hand, this is not supposed to actually be Bogart, but a gangsta who had plastic surgery to look like him and, apparently, talk like him.  He has been killed in a car crash.  The entire episode becomes a Weekend at Bogie’s exercise with the POV story eventually seen through the dead man’s eyes.  They could have taken some license and had his lips move in the numerous mirrors, but they made the right choice.

A couple of hours earlier, Bogart look-alike Lou Spinelli was in a conference room at his company.  Oddly, no one seems to realize he looks like Humphrey Bogart.  Or I guess they are just used to it the way long-time co-workers never comment on my resemblance to Brad Pitt.  They are also immune to the fact that his advertising director looks like 1980s Sherilyn Fenn, which I don’t think I would ever get used to.  Her beauty is not lost on Lou who calls her “doll” and “baby” but, commendably, not “babydoll”.

During the meeting he gets a call from his wife Betty who he thought was dead.  He had his pal Oscar send over some goons to knock her off, but she got away.  As he drives home, he thinks about his life.  He came from a tough neighborhood and did what he had to to survive.  After spending some time in jail, he “busted out of the joint and got a new name and a new face”.  Presumably, he chose Bogart’s mug for its inexplicable ability to attract hot babes 25 years younger than him.

Back at his place, he discovers Oscar betrayed him and has been banging Betty for the past year.  They plan to kill Lou, but he is able to take Oscar’s gun from him.  Unfortunately, Betty conks him on the head with a statue. [1]  It is poorly staged because he actually has a few seconds to react to her coming at him and does nothing.  Still, it was funny to see him get brained with the sculpture.  Twice.

The rest of the episode is Oscar and Betty dragging the body around with the POV still from Lou’s dead eyes.  This is good, original stuff.  In fact, it surpasses the Bogie/Noir gimmick of the episode.  John Lithgow and Isabella Rossellini were great with the over-the-top acting that a good TFTC requires, and have perfect faces for those close-ups from Lou’s POV.

They could have ditched the Bogart angle and still had a great episode.  However, they tried something creative and mostly succeeded.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] The sculpture of a nude woman is said to be a Picasso but is utterly unconvincing because it actually looks like a nude woman.

 

 

Outer Limits – Descent (06/25/99)

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Wait a minute, the guys from Motley Crüe went on a camping trip?  Oh, wait, I guess these are cavemen.  The goofy clothing and hair threw me off, although I suspect the smell would not have cleared things up.  One of the guyz gets the hots for a girl at the boar-roast and beats her mate to death in a sneak attack.  Even back then, the cute ones went for Neanderthals.  He screams triumphantly and grabs the girl.

Arthur in the lab.

This is just a daydream by meek anthropologist Arthur Zeller as he stares at an exhibit on prehistoric man.  He is jolted back to reality as James and Laura, who he has a crush on, leave for the night.  Arthur returns to his lab and injects a serum marked DOMINANCE into a mouse which was meek as, well, a mouse.  The mouse becomes more aggressive and Arthur sees this as a way for mankind to reacquire some lost virtues.  He presents his findings to the funding committee.

This must be the toughest Anthropology Department in America.  Arthur’s colleagues are all alpha-males who continually play pranks on him and emasculate him in front of Laura.  Chairman Stansfield tells Arthur later that he is not funding his project because he thinks he does not have the guts to fight the challenges to his work.  The proposal seems worthy though as 3 days later, the test rat has crushed his enemies and heard the lamentations of their lady-rats.  Like every scientist ever on Outer Limits, he decides to use the drug on himself.

Arthur doing an experiment.

The next day at work, he is more assertive.  He suggests a hardball plan to deal with rival researchers.  He tells the Chairman that he is afraid to do what is necessary to keep this department on top.  And he says he doesn’t care what they think, he is going to keep eating at Chic-Fil-A!  When James teases him about his new attitude, Arthur tells him, “F*** off.”

Hey, Hollywood, take a lesson from Canada.  This was an effective jolt because we get maybe one F-bomb per season from this series.  Hollywood version:

James:  What the fuck, Arthur?  You’re acting like a fucking maniac!  Are you fucking high?

Arthur:  Fuck off for fuck’s sake.  Boy, I hate that fucking Chic-Fil-A!

As Arthur continues taking the DOMINANCE drug, he becomes more aggressive.  He shouts down the homeless guy who always hassles him.  At work, staring at the caveman exhibit, he begins to channel the caveman.  We get caveman-POV shots of the man’s dog as the man follows him through the jungle on a hunt.  Then I guess we get a dog’s-ass-POV because we see the caveman running toward the camera.  Laura’s scream awakens him as he has just hurled a spear that nearly pierced both her ears; the hard way.

Arthur testing his flint spear theory.

He explains that he has been researching the penetrating power of flint spears.  He apologizes and says he would “never want to skewer you . . . not with a spear anyway.”  Heyyyoooo!  My man!  Oh, wait, she doesn’t appreciate that.  She stomps away outraged at that kind of lewd talk from a guy who doesn’t look like George Clooney.  With his new-found confidence and aggression, he gives the Chairman a beat-down that night.

Well, it goes on mostly where you would expect since we have seen this story a hundred times.  Leland Orser did excellent work here as the meek Arthur all the way through to the uninhibited caveman.  That is really the best reason to sit through this episode.  Jenny Copper was also good as Laura.  The others were mostly so loathsome that it is hard to be objective.

Arthur discussing his research.

The ending was unexpected.  I guess after going all Altered States, Arthur didn’t have Blair Brown’s awesomeness to ground him back to his human form.

Other Stuff:

  • Title Analysis:  Yeah, I get it, but what a waste of a title.  Look at the movie The Descent — that’s what I want from a descent!

Science Fiction Theatre – The Missing Waveband (06/15/56)

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So help me, Truman Bradley actually got me excited at the beginning of this episode.  No, it wasn’t the way he is poured into that suit.  He described “a man-made moon, circling the earth.”  Wow, is this episode set in the distant future?  Cool!  Is it like a Deathstar?  Wow!  Or is he saying our regular ol’ moon is actually man-made (SFT has a precedent of calling alien technology “man-made”)?  Intriguing!  Sadly, none of the above.  SIGH . . . he is just referring to a weather satellite.

He continues on to introduce us to Dr. Milhurst, who lives “several miles from a southwestern city.”  Thanks for narrowing it down to the entire southwest and several miles into the northwest, southeast and sliver of the northeast.  Way to paint a picture.  Are you afraid I’m going to drop by?  Here, Milhurst works “ceaselessly delving into the mysteries of the universe.”

He has invited three other imminent scientists to his lab.  In a first for SFT, he does not have a hot daughter living with him, and none of the other scientists sent his daughter as a surrogate.  He confesses that the recent breakthroughs he made in satellites and orbital mechanics were not his own work.  They came from someone else.  “I don’t know his name.  I don’t even know where he lives, or what country he’s from.”  But he does know he is a “he”.

One place he might have suspected is in Spain because this plot is suspiciously similar to SFT’s Postcard from Barcelona which just aired 7 months ago.

“Some months ago I was doing experiments in the extremely high bands of the electro-magnetic spectrum.”  He made a broadcast in that band, expecting no one to hear it.  He immediately got a response in a clear english-speaking voice.  The voice did not tell him much, but instructed him to tune back in the next night at the same time; also to buy Lucky Strikes.  Eventually, hoping to make earth more peaceful, the voice gave Milhurst the orbital equations.

The other three scientists come back for the next transmission hoping to glom some info to make them famous like Milhurst.  They transmit questions about Chemistry, Atomic Energy, Computer Technology, and how to talk to girls.  An hour later, the voice returns with answers to technical issues they had been researching for years.

The next night, the boyz are a little more altruistic.  They are concerned about ICBMs destroying America before they get a chance to cash in.  They ask if it is possible to build a device that would alert us to incoming missiles.  Or, better yet, destroy the missiles before they landed.  Some sort of Initiative for Strategic Defense!  Maybe call it ISD!

The voice gives them the data to build such a system.  As they watch a radar screen, they are able to identify satellites.  One of the blips is not a satellite, though.  They watch it moving across the screen.  As it moves vertically up the screen, one of them says, “It has an upward trajectory.”  Er, on a 2-D global map, wouldn’t that indicate it is moving north?  He is not the dumbest in the group, though.  As the blip approaches Montana, Milhurst says, “It is over south-central New Mexico.”

The tests go perfectly.  Milhurst even discovers an undocumented feature of the voice’s invention.  Although if WordPress, Microsoft, or Adobe have any say in it, they will add needless steps or eliminate the feature entirely.[1]  He is able to locate the source of any radio transmission.  They discover the transmissions are coming from the vicinity of Jupiter.

Not much story here, and the story that is here was here 7 months ago.  However, bravo to SFT for getting some small things right.  They correctly placed Jupiter about 367 million miles away (even TZ never seemed to understand how big space is).  They acknowledged that live dialogue was not possible at that distance.  That made the delay a reasonable 64 minutes.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Seriously, are these companies letting interns push out updates now?
  • According to SFT: A History of the Television Show, Millhurst was the highest paid actor, pocketing $600.
  • Variety called both the directing and screenplay “so-so”.  Maybe they should have given one of the guys a daughter.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Contest for Aaron Gold (10/18/60)

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This is one of those episodes that makes me wonder how much TV from 50 years ago reflected reality and how much was a whitewashing — literally and figuratively — of the world.

It is 5 days until Camp Lakeside opens and the owner Mr. Stern is working his staff like a slavedriver except they are white, getting paid, not being beaten, and allowed to read and marry.  When ceramics teacher Bernie Samuelson shows up, it is clear they are old friends.

Stern points out Lefty James down by the lake painting the diving platform.  In a bizarre scene, Stern loudly yells to Lefty, “SAY HELLO TO TO BERNIE SAMUELSON . . . SAM–UEL–SON . . . CER–AM–ICS!”  The freakishly buff Lefty is holding a can of paint in one hand and waves with the other still holding a paintbrush.  Stern admiringly says Lefty was once in a Tarzan movie and they watch as he does a swan dive into the lake.  Why the long-distance introduction?  Why the over-enunciated yelling?  Why the, frankly, homo-erotic shot of Lefty?  Why the sudden dive when he was painting one second before?  Did he seal the can?  Did he wash the brushes?  Did he eat in the last 30 minutes?

Stern says he knows Bernie’s background as a sculptor and “I think you will agree that ceramics have taken a large step forward here at Camp Lakeside.”  Stern’s goal is for the kids to produce something to show the parents.

On Bernie’s first day with the kids — and WTF was he doing for the interim 5 days? — his bunch of young boys are not paying attention as he demonstrates a pottery wheel.  In another sign of how times have changed, it seems a little creepy that 1) he is 10 years older than you expect in a camp counselor, 2) he puts hands on their shoulders as he steers each to his chair, and 3) he explains that camp policy is for the boys to call him Uncle Bernie.  There is no hint of anything amiss.  As I said, just a sad sign of our cynical times.

On the boys’ first day, they mold clay into such challenging shapes as a snake, a pancake, an ashtray, and a fabulous sculpture of a man, made by the titular Aaron Gold.  Over the next few days, Aaron skips some of the other camp activities to seriously work on his sculpture.  Bernie is impressed with Aaron’s attitude and skill, although the figure is still deficient in arms to the tune of one.

Stern is not seeing the value in Aaron’s sculpture.  He says by Parent’s Day, Bernie and Aaron better have something to show and it better have an even number of arms.  Aaron says his father will not care if he only has one sculpture as long as it is beautiful.  And it will take as long as it takes.

That night, Stern comes by to inspect the ceramics projects.  Half of them seem to be ashtrays.  What did campers make when people stopped smoking?  Maybe that’s why there aren’t many camps any more.  Then maybe that lack of socialization, outdoor activities and discipline led to the disgraceful millennial generation.  I might pick up a carton of Luckys tonight just to get the US back on track.

Stern is critical of Aaron.  He has only an unfinished sculpture to show for Parent’s Day.  He did not earn the Intermediate Dolphin Swimming Badge, the Woodcraft Badge or a Softball Stripe.  Since Aaron’s father owns a chain of grocery stores, Stern wants to keep him happy.  He orders Bernie to put an arm on Aaron’s sculpture.

The next morning, Aaron is crushed to see that Bernie has added an arm holding a sword to the figure.  It is obvious why when his father shows up and HE IS AN MONSTER!!!  At least, that’s how it feels.  Mr. Gold arrives at the Ceramics Tent and the camera zooms in on the right sleeve of his jacket which is neatly folded, pinned to his shoulder and empty as a Bill & Hillary 2020 Speaking Tour.  Not only does the camera zoom in, but the shot freezes, and the orchestra swells.  Buster Bluth was treated with more respect.

Barry Gordon, who was so good in The Day of the Bullet, turns in another fantastic performance as Aaron.  He carved out a too-brief, two-episode AHP niche as the bestest, most loving son a father could ever have.  In his previous appearance, his father let him down and he was crushed.  Even though this episode ended abruptly, it was clear that their beautiful father-son bond would survive this awkwardness.  I could imagine his old man graciously accepting Bernie’s apology, loving the sculpture, grabbing a burger at the cookout, tossing some horseshoes, and rowing round and round in circles on the lake.

Other Stuff:

  • Based on a short story by Philip “yes, that Philip Roth” Roth.  That stunned me even more than the famous John Cheever episode of Mama’s Family.
  • Bernie was played by big-shot director Sydney Pollack who directed some great films, some good films, and Out of Africa.
  • In an episode where the twist is a man with one arm, they have a 2-armed character named Lefty?  That’s just cruel.

Twilight Zone – Crazy as a Soup Sandwich (04/01/89)

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I have honestly gone back and forth for 2 weeks on whether this is a great episode or just unwatchable shit.  And it’s not even a close call — it is decidedly one or the other.

It uses a garish color palette, something you would expect from Tales from the Crypt.  Well done, if this is what you’re looking for.

The lead character Arky is a skinny, obnoxious, hyperkinetic, man-child with a high pitched voice like very-early-era Jerry Lewis.  Unfortunately, he is about as funny as every-other-era Jerry Lewis.  Yet, I can’t help but be impressed by his commitment to the part.  Seriously, the actor gives it 100% and I think is successful in what he wanted to do.

The dialogue is stilted and wordy.  For example: “Before you have Gus and Bork reduce him to his component parts for shipment, are you interested in hearing his tale of woe?”  Or, when Arky is asked why he made a deal with a demon: “For a first-refusal option on 51% of my immortal soul.”  Yes, I understand that it is purposely so, and I appreciated the musicality of some of the lines, but to what end?

That is just one of many indications that this does not take place in the Twilight Zone universe (ie our universe).  The whole foundation of TZ was that is existed in little cracks of our reality.  The old TZ’s stories took place in dull, B&W 1958-1964 when suddenly BAM! — your daughter falls out of bed and into another dimension.  This uber-styled episode is, again, a better fit for TFTC than TZ.

For some reason, a particularly egregious example of this did make me laugh.  Poor Arky is on the hook to the mob for a loan with 750% interest!  Or maybe this was set during the Carter Administration.

I did enjoy the design of the demon.  It is arguably cheesy, but I found its shifting, yellow, cloud-like form to be fabulous.  It was also given a voice that was a perfect blend of menace and stentorian parody.  That was great as far as it went, but it just kept going and going.  Paradoxically, that’s just how I want my demon to speak, but the constant yelling does get tedious.

The anchor of the episode is its straight man, Anthony Franciosa. As the mobster, he projected cool, confident authority and confidence.  Without him, the episode would have been irredeemable.

This felt like when they used to take an episode of a sitcom and unexpectedly shift the focus to a different family or character as a non-committal spin-off pilot.

So I guess I appreciated more than I liked it.  It is impossible to assign it a number or letter grade.  I rate this one a mauve.