Tales from the Crypt – Confession (07/01/96)

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Note to director . . .

Police detectives find another girl with her head cut off.  Kudos to this frequently dreadful season giving us a little gore.  Unfortunately, they squander that goodwill with the line,  “I can see the tabloids now — headless girl in topless club.”  C’mon, that is a blatant rip-off of the classic 1983 New York Post headline “Headless Body in Topless Bar“. [1]  Very cheesy, guys.

Warhol (I’ll ignore that appropriation since it seems utter pointless) Evans, the alleged head-chopper-offer, is quickly caught in an alley.  The officers send for Jack Lynch to do the interrogation.  He is known by all to be the bestest detective ever.  They find him also in an alley, doing a few lines — bowling I mean.  He comes to the station still carrying his ball-bag in his hands (hee-hee!).  

Lynch begins interviewing Evans.  He immediately denies the charges and tells the detectives they “will be drinking a shit shake through a crazy straw.”  More plagiarism as I believe McDonald’s trademarked this phrase years ago.  Evans seems to think he’s a big-shot because he wrote an episode of Tales from the Crypt.  No, seriously, that is in the episode.  Can you appropriate from yourself?

Lynch aggressively accuses Evans of being a serial killer despite a complete lack of evidence.  He had been nabbed washing his hands in the vicinity of the last murder.  If that is considered an extraordinary event in London, then God help their COVID-19 stats.  

. . . it is now possible to put 2 actors in the same frame. Did the SJWs decide a “master” shot was racist?

Evans arrogantly refuses to call in a lawyer.  He says he has written scenes like this, so knows exactly how it will go.  He even magnanimously offers to find the real killer, lifting a ploy from OJ Simpson.  Lynch notes that last night Evans purchased a book entitled The Satanic Scriptures — a lazy way to invoke the murder-scare associated with The Satanic Verses. 

Evans says it was just research.  He is working on a script about a satanist who is reincarnated as a serial killer who — wait for it — only kills other serial killers.   Let’s be charitable and call this an homage to Dexter.

Evans does go on a pretty good (and original) analysis of crime scene photos.  He believes the killer might be frustrated at having been passed over for promotions — like Lynch.  And having a strong right arm from tossing a bowling ball and carrying it everywhere with him — like Lynch.  Good stuff.

Lynch discovers a massive amount of pornography at Evans’ flat, which also seems very familiar to me.  I just can’t place where I’ve seen such a cache of . . . oh, yeah.  However, Evans also has books on how to make pipe-bombs and land-mines, and Antifa for Dummies.  Again, Evans says it is all for research.  There is also mention of him assaulting a little girl years ago.

For the big finish, Lynch puts a satchel from Evans’ closet on the table.  He opens it to reveal a misshapen head in a large glass jar.  OK, hold the phone — this is a direct steal from Ray Bradbury’s The Jar which was adapted for Ray Bradbury Theater, The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, the 1980s revival of Alfred Hitchcock Presents. and a very special episode of Benson.  [2] Evans says he bought it at freak show because he thought it was funny, but he knows he’s screwed.

SPOILER

Lynch has proven Evan’s guilt to everyone’s satisfaction.  He is again hailed as the bestest detective ever.  He goes home, and unzips his bowling ball bag.  Nothing in there but a ball.  However, he lifts the top off the hollow ball and pulls out the dead woman’s head.  He puts it in the fridge with 2 others and has a beer.

There seemed to be a lot of references to other stories, and not in a winking Scream-like way.  More in a Joe Biden campaign speech way [3].  Other than the brief scene where Evans does his analysis, there’s not much going on.  This should have been released as a movie.  Not because it is good, but because it feels 90 minutes long.

By coincidence I saw Eddie Izzard (Evans) in Get Duked! yesterday.  That would be a much better use of your time.

I rate it 4 out of 10 frames.  However, Get Duked! earns a respectable 8 frames.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Great as this is, they will never top “Bezos Exposes Pecker“.  It has more levels than Amway.  Just retire the trophy now.
  • [2] To be honest, I’m not sure it was explicitly a head in Bradbury’s jar.  But, c’mon, what else would it be?  BTW, the AHP episode was directed by Tim Burton.  What?
  • [3]  The big news in that link is that Newsweek still exists.
  • Very timely:  This episode is directed by the director of Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey.
  • Ciarán Hinds (Lynch) was Mance Rayder in 5 episodes of Game of Thrones.  He was the white guy with the beard.  [UPDATE: I finally Googled him, and he seems to be just about the only guy other than Bran without a beard.]

Science Fiction Theatre – Death at My Fingertips (09/21/56)

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Host Truman Bradley says he wants to tell us something interesting, which makes this a very special episode already.  “Ever since the beginning of mankind, murder has been a great problem of society — from the early days of the caveman and his club, to the era of the dueling sword . . .”  OK, he holds up a sword, but when he mentioned the caveman’s club, he appeared to hold up a gavel. Is this a commentary on the judicial system?

For one of the only times in the series, the college is named.  Maybe the Producer was bartering off a massive $250 circa 1950 student loan.  Barker College is a small medical school.  Dean Leonard Mills is working late in the lab, and waiting for his assistant Eve Patrick.  Someone walks in behind him and stabs him.  Before leaving, the person deliberately leaves several conspicuous fingerprints, and uses a glass without a coaster

The next day, Detective Davis grills Eve.  She says Mills had no enemies and was respected by the other professors despite the I Like Ike bumper sticker on his BMW Isetta [1].  He asks if they were having an affair.  She says there is no way she would have an affair with Mills because 1) she is engaged to Dr. Donald Stewart, and 2) Mills is bald.  Ouch!  Deputy Evans walks in with the results of the fingerprint analysis. The killer is Donald Stewart!

Davis questions Stewart.  He says those fingerprints could not have been faked because of the “sweat ducts and oily moisture.”  Stewart responds, “Undeniably!”  This is why you need a lawyer present.

Stewart says when Mills was killed, he was at home watching TV.  In this pre-VCR era, he tries to prove his innocence by describing the news show he was watching, “It concerns Dr. Black’s cardiac experiments on sperm whales.”  Davis says this is not a strong alibi because the same story was on all the newscasts — 7, 9 and 11.  The real mystery is WTF Dr. Black is doing to these whales that deserves that much air time.  And were they sperm whales before, or just after?

His further attempt at an alibi is foiled when “Lucy tries to get into Ricky’s act and hijinks ensue” is deemed to describe 400 episodes of I Love Lucy.

Stewart finally engages George Warren to be his attorney.  Warren says, “Don’t you understand Dr. Stewart you haven’t got a chance!  Those fingerprints are uncontestable!”  Warren then suggests Stewart confess to killing Mills just so they can plead down to 2nd degree murder.  OK, maybe sometimes you don’t want a lawyer present.  Luckily, Stewart’s fingerprints show up on some bottles after he was locked up.

Davis worries that the discovery of two people with the same fingerprints might throw the whole judicial system into chaos.  He worries that people might have been unfairly prosecuted on the basis of duplicate prints.  He orders Evans to get the prints of every man, woman and primate that had access to the lab.

Back in his cell, Stewart says he believes someone came up with a way to create duplicate fingerprints.  His attorney asks, “Who’d want to?”  Sigh.

Eve discovers that Dr. Mills had been working on a formula for synthetic skin.  The police go to see Stanley Barnes because he did not give his prints to the police.  Barnes has so much incriminating evidence in his apartment that even Marcia Clark [3] could convict him.  He confesses to trying to frame Stewart for Mills’ murder.  His portrayal is just bizarre, though.  The actor wildly overacts and seems coked up.  This guy makes Norman Bates look like he is in a Tarkovsky film.[2]  Oh well, Stewart is freed and he and Eve vow to complete Dr. Mills’ work.

Another pedestrian outing.  It boggles my mind that this primitive series aired only 3 years before The Twilight Zone and One Step Beyond. Just think how great TV will be 3 years from now!  You know, if some assholes don’t burn down the studios.

I give it 1.5 fingertips.  Out of 5 or 10 — your choice.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] The car reference is really just an excuse to show this verrückt Auto.
  • [2] Sorry, I recently subscribed to the Criterion Channel.
  • [2] Would also have accepted Yorgos Lanthimos, whose films, though deliberate, are at least watchable.
  • [3] Would also have accepted Hamilton Burger.  Though decades earlier, he seems somehow less dated.
  • June Lockhart (Eve) was the mom on Lost in Space.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Summer Shade (01/10/61)

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Ben & Phyllis Kendall are starting to get discouraged in their quest to find an affordable one hundred year old house in Salem with three bedrooms, a modern kitchen, a study, central heating, and a tree for young Kate’s swing.

Suddenly, Phyllis Kendall gets a premonition.  She tells her husband to take the next right.  They pull up in front of a house that has a sign that says: FOR SALE TO DISCRIMINATING BUYER.  Ben says “discriminating buyer” means it is expensive.  But in 1960, it might have meant something else.  On the plus side, there is a tree for Kate’s swing and it might already have a rope.

The owner, Amelia Gastell, appears and tells them the house is 107 years old.  The Kendalls buy the house even though it is far from any other kids for Kate to play with.  To their surprise, as they are unpacking, Kate mentions meeting a new friend named Lettie at the nearby creek.

Lettie told her about riding in a gig. [1] Kate’s father has to explain to her and to me that a gig is a horse-drawn carriage.  Phyllis says Lettie’s family sounds “like a religious sect — like those people who won’t wear buttons.”  Say, the Kendalls are discriminating buyers.

When Phyllis later sees Kate talking to no one at the nearby creek, she figures out that Lettie is an imaginary friend.  Her father asks if that is the case.  Kate insists Lettie is real.  She even has a picture that Lettie drew of her aunt Bridget Bishop who appears to be puritan.

During a house-call, Kate’s doctor recognizes the name Bridget Bishop.  Ben finds her name and picture in a book about Salem.  She was hung in 1692 for witchcraft.  A local preacher shows Phyllis the grave of Lauretta Bishop who died of the pox in 1694.

That night, Ben goes to Kate’s room to check her fever.  She is wearing a necklace of buzzard bones that she says Lettie gave her “to keep off the pox” and a No Pest Strip to keep off the flies.

Amelia is hired as a babysitter so the Kendalls can have a date-night.  She agrees that Kate needs a real friend to play with.  Ben says, “If you hear about an agency that rents out little girls, let us know.”  After the Kendalls leave, she looks for Jeffrey Epstein’s card.

The next morning at breakfast, Kate startles her parents by asking, “What is an exorcism?”  They are interrupted by Amelia who has brought over a girl Kate’s age.  It is Judy Davidson, the daughter of her milkman.  Today, Kate would ask, “What is a milkman?”

Upstairs, in Kate’s room, it is clear from Judy’s speech that she is possessed by Lettie.  She speaks such archaic sentences as:

  • Twas a fine notion, mistress Kate.
  • Would that we had started it sooner.
  • I want to grow up to be an objective journalist.

Kate warns her to not talk “in that old-fashioned way” so she is not caught and exorcised or banned from Twitter.

Well, I’m glad Kate has a little friend, but what happened to the real Judy?  Did her soul disappear?  Is she stuck silently in that body?  Is she doomed to helplessly watch Lettie’s life the way the poor sap in Source Code was doomed to be stuck in Jake Gyllenhaal, helplessly banging Michelle Monaghan for the rest of his life?  Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.  Actually, it sounds better than my life.

Not much going on here. No murder, and a dash of the supernatural make this a poor fit for AHP.  I rate it 65 in the shade.

Other Stuff

  • AHP Deathwatch:  Veronica and Angela Cartwright are still with us.  Strangely, on IMDb, Veronica is credited as Kate; Angela is credited as Lettie (uncredited), who we never see.  Sadly, the writer of the original short story died this year of COVID-19.
  • [1] The fact that Kate is torturing a frog at the time seems coincidental to their mention of gigs.
  • For more information about the source material and production, check out bare*bones e-zine.
  • Pictures are of Julie Adams (Phyllis) in Creature from the Black Lagoon because it is 1:09 am.

One Step Beyond – The Vision (03/24/59)

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OK, the network inexplicably allowed Alfred Hitchcock to set several AHP episodes in England.  Maybe that was a demand he made to stay in touch with his mother country.  What is the excuse with One Step Beyond?  Creator / Director John Newland was born in freakin’ Cincinnati!  Four out of ten episodes have been set in Europe.  Well, you say, maybe that’s just where these real-life, documented, fact-based incidents of the paranormal occurred.  That might be a legit point if they were actually true.  The USA has the best ghosts in the world, and the government is making sure we produce more every day!  F*** yeah, Team America!  Oh, wait . . . [1]

At 10:30 pm on 11/14/15, a phenomenon was seen in the skies over Flanders, the East Prussian Front, Italy, and the English Channel.  Again, OSB astounds with its production.  We are dropped into the merde in WWI France.  I suspect it begins with footage from a movie, but is perfectly used and the live action flows naturally from it.  We are introduced to 4 Frenchmen on “a trivial mission” at the front.  The men lament that they are doing this rather than watching the ballet, playing the piano, enjoying vintage wines, or making love.

They see a flare in the sky.  A private asks what will happen if they are spotted.  His sergeant says, “If they kill enough of us, an extra ration of Schnapps.  If we kill enough of them, perhaps they let us take a bath.”  The French private is horrified by both possibilities.

They finally realize that the flare is not descending.  They are entranced by the heavenly light.  All 4 stand and begin walking back to their base.  Soon, they are charged with cowardice and deserting their post because no one has ever heard of Frenchmen retreating. [2]  It’s unheard of, I tells ya.

Captain Tremaine arrives to act as their council.  One of the men describes being “blinded by the light”, then being at home with his mother making him pancakes.  He was so at peace that he dropped his rifle and began walking back.  His pal was cut loose like a deuce, another runner in the night.  All 4 have similar tales of being in a peaceful settings — at home, at sea, in a fragrant meadow, and at the Ponderosa Ranch.[3]

At their trial, Sgt. Vaill says that he also heard a heavenly choir.  Tremaine’s defense hinges largely on the fact that the men walked back from the front.  Or was it walked  front from the back?  No, walked back from the front.  He insists that is the act of brave men.  Cowards would have run.

Naturally, our boys are sentenced to death seconds later.  Thanks, Perry Mason!  [That really only works if you pronounce it like Paul Masson wine.  And are drinking Paul Masson wine.]

The next day, Tremaine goes to the dungeon where the 4 are being held and literally says, “Good Morning.”  To the 4 guys sentenced to death.  That he represented.  He says is going to appeal the decision.

While in town, after giving a 10 year old kid a pack of cigarettes (seriously), Tremaine encounters a German soldier.  The weary man says, “for me the war is finished”.  He too dropped his rifle and walked away.  His comrades also saw something in the sky.  John Newland says there were sightings all over Europe by a thousand soldiers.  The General finally believes and the men are saved.

Again, kind of a thin story but, mon dieu, can these guys put on a show!

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Actually, I have no real beef with the foreign settings — they add a little pizzazz.  However, I do subscribe to the Rod Serling / Richard Matheson / Stephen King model that stories in a relatable setting are more effective.  Also Cat Fancy.
  • [2] The closed caption refers to their Court Marshal [sic].
  • [3] For some reason, Pernell Roberts, of Bonanza, is playing one of the French soldiers.

Tales from the Crypt – About Face (06/28/96)

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I must be getting old.  I really don’t like shows that start off with a lot of yelling.  However, because every episode of TFTC begins with the grating, odious Cryptkeeper, the first proper scene is always going to be an improvement.  In this case, a screaming woman giving birth in the first scene is welcome to everyone except maybe the priest who knocked her up.  They are on thin ice, though, when the midwife looks at the baby and joins in the caterwauling.  Luckily, the scene quickly cuts to a lovely young woman getting out of a carriage “sixteen years later.”  

Reverend Jonathan is discussing his new book with his agent.  His wife Sarah tells him a young woman claiming to be his daughter is here to see him.  Young Angelica says she and her twin sister were told by their adopted mother that Jonathan was their father.  Their mother Emma had worked for him as a maid before being a good sport and dying in childbirth.  

Angelica steps outside and Sarah blasts her husband about his sexual indiscretions.  She threatens to go public and ruin him, but he reminds her that she would lose everything too.  So, in a sociopathic exchange for wealth and power, she agrees to ignore his decades of adultery with secretaries and interns, credible accusations of sexual assault, and visits to Epstein Island.

Jonathan’s first inclination is to send the girl away. Before Sarah can arrange transport to Fort Marcy Park, however, he changes his mind.  He calls Angelica back into the room and tells her that he wants her and her sister to move into his house.  He feels that having a family will be good for his image, will increase his book sales, and maybe Angelica will have friends over for a pajama party.  

Angelica moves in, but Jonathan still has not met her twin sister Leah.  She says Leah has locked herself in the bathroom because she feels that Jonathan abandoned them.  That night, Angelica enters the gas-lit room where Sarah is practicing her scowling for the next day.  As she comes closer, Sarah can see it is Leah.  Her face is disfigured, her hair is a fright, and that dress!  Sarah recalls that Jesus visited the home of Simon the Leper, but also that he used his sandal to lift the toilet seat.  She gasps, “What in God’s name!”  Leah shouts, “Silence, blasphemer!”

Leah accuses Sarah of finding her “hideous, foul, ugly, horrid.”  Leah tells her to judge not, lest she be judged, and asks when she last lay with her husband.  Then she raises some beads in the air and curses Jonathan for visiting harlots and abandoning his kids and watching Fox News.  Sarah decides it is a good time take a few days off.  Jonathan approaches Angelica about the encounter, but a few words from the cute sister make everything OK.

Later Jonathan is dictating his latest book to yet another secretary.  After a few sentences, they begin having the sex and Leah hears them.  When Leah later catches the secretary alone, she slits her throat.  This is exceptionally well-done and a much bigger shock than the twist that is to come.  

Sarah returns from her trip.  She screams in horror because Jonathan’s new secretary is a good 20 years younger than her; and also sprawled bloody on the floor.  Jonathan walks in and accuses Sarah of killing the secretary.  Sarah says, “Your little hell-spawn did this!”  For some reason that eludes me, Jonathan then strangles Sarah to death.  Again, this is well-done with the neck-wrenching signified by the delightful sound of a bunch of celery stalks being broken.  Kudos!

SPOILER

Blah, blah.  After yelling at Jonathan, Leah attacks him.  Jonathan pulls a huge crucifix off the wall, and it is finally useful for once as he kills Leah with it.  As she rolls over, we see that she and Angelica are conjoined twins with each having a face pointing in opposite directions.

As I said, the kills in this episode are really better than the reveal.  This is in spite of the fact that the director made no effort to play fair.  The logistics just make no sense in most scenes, but I don’t really care.  Despite exhibiting the leaden tone and complete lack of TFTC-ness that this season has often shown, I kind of liked it.