Science Fiction Theatre – Human Circuit (12/07/56)

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“On the afternoon of April12th, Dr. George Stoneham received an emergency call to a large downtown nightclub [The Kitten Club].  Chet Arnold, manager of the club and a personal friend of Dr. Stoneham, summoned the physician when Nina LaSalle, a dancer, collapsed screaming in the middle of a rehearsal.  Although Dr. Stoneham didn’t know it yet, this was to be one of his most unusual cases.”

Oh yeah, the case when he left the suffering tubercular patients in his office in the middle of the day to make the country’s last recorded house-call at a nudie bar?  Yeah, that one might stick in the memory.

With no evidence at all, Stoneham says his diagnosis is “severe pressure on the optic nerve.”  Once the pressure is relieved, the hallucinations should go away.   Nina says that was no hallucination, she really saw an atomic explosion. [1]  When Mrs. Dr. Stoneham learns her husband abandoned his practice to ogle young women, he might feel a pressure on his optic nerve.

That night, Stoneham has dinner with his friend, scientist Dr. Albert Neville.  During desert with Neville’s mother, he mentions that Nina had a hallucination of a nuclear explosion.  While Ma Neville is doing the dishes, her son reveals that at exactly the same time Nina had her hallucination, a nuclear bomb was exploded by accident in the Pacific.  Since there was a democrat in office, the press did not deem it worth reporting. [2] 

Neville suggests Nina might be clairvoyant.  He helpfully defines it as “the faculty of perceiving a pictorial representation of a current and distant scene.”   Neville’s hobby is the paranormal, so he wants to further examine the case; which means — well, well, well — a trip to see the girls at the club.

Nina says she had a vision once before when her boyfriend Larry died.  He was in uniform, clutching his gut.  An army pal of his confirmed his exact time of death as the same time she had her vision, plus there was a time-stamped receipt from the Taco Bell near the base in his pocket.  Then SFT surprised me by earning the only laugh in its entire run:

  • Neville: Have you ever heard of clairvoyance?
  • Nina:  Who?

Nina agrees to help the boys with an experiment about clairvoyance.  Just as they are leaving, though, she collapses.  They take her to the dressing room and connect her to an EEG.  Neville tells her “radiant energy” is the reason for her clairvoyance.  The electrical wave-lengths of her brain are too close together.  Nina has another clairvoyant episode in the lab.

Blah, blah, blah.  The episode gets bogged down trying to conjure a scientific basis for Nina’s clairvoyance.  That’s really too bad because they had a genuine talent in Joyce Jameson as Nina.  No nudie bar employee since Jack Ruby has so quickly emerged from the pack to blow away others on screen.

As often happens on SFT, the discoverer or possessor of the skillz does not seem to reap the benefit of their talent.  For taking time off to cultivate her clairvoyance, the bar manager allows her to change her stage name from Nina (pronounced Nine-uh) LaSalle to . . . Claire Voyance!

No, that would be too much to expect from SFT.  He allows her to change her name to the god-awful Saturday Knight.  Seriously.

The two doctors received $500 and $750 for the episode.  Joyce Jameson was paid only $300.  Even sadder, she would be dead by 59.  She was a ray of sunshine here, though.  Enough to recommend the episode?  Oh, hell no!

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Note the complex, clockwork, Nolandesque exposition: First, an evidence-free diagnosis, then a treatment, followed by the symptom.
  • [2]  Oh, alright, Eisenhower was President when this aired.
  • And it wasn’t a nudie bar.  But this COVID thing is going on for so long . . .

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Horse Player (03/14/61)

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Hey, the church roof is leaking and the pastor is played by Claude Rains.  If you’re looking for criticism more insightful than that, let me save you some time right now.

Pop Quiz: This screenshot is stretched out like the _____ ____ ________ .   Correct answers will be deleted.

Father Amion’s church is in bad shape.  Not only is the service sparsely attended, but the roof is a sieve, with multiple leaks drizzling water into buckets, onto heads, and unto their feet. [1]  A Building Contractor stops by the church after the service and surprisingly speaks without his tongue catching fire.  He tells Amion it will cost $1,500 to fix the roof.

The church doesn’t have that kind of ready cash, but things are looking up as a ten-spot appears in the collection basket.  At the next service, Amion pulls aside the church’s generous new member.  The benefactor, Mr. Sheridan, is not dressed like the other church-goers.  He has no tie, is in a wrinkled jacket, and is sporting a goofy hat.  Actually, he is dressed like a church-goer, just one from a few years in the future.  Slackers!

He says he has lived in the area for 20 years.  He just started coming in after seeing the church’s sign TRY PRAYER.  He was a loser, and found that prayer turned his life around.  Father Amion is happy to hear the man has found religion, but less so when he learns that Sheridan credits prayer for “six winners out of eight” at the track, and “one of them was a 20-to-1 shot.”  Amion might have felt better if he knew the Jesus responsible for the 20-to-1 win was the Guatemalan stable-boy.

Yes, more stretched out screencaps this week. I own the DVDs, but they’re waaaay over there on the other side of the room.  Blame COVID.

Amion tries to explain to Sheridan why this is wrong.  He asks, “What if everyone rooted for their own horse; what would God do?”  He’s God, I think he could come up with something.  Sheridan says it is their own fault for “not being wise to this prayer racket.”

A few days later, Sheridan returns to the church and gives another $30 to Amion.  He even suggests a horse that Amion might want to place a bet on — Red Devil in the 4th race at Belmont.  Amion declines.

A few days later, Amion sees Sheridan in a new convertible, and wearing a bow-tie.  The “prayer racket” has continued to pay off.  Sheridan has hit on 14 of his last 18 bets.  He again tries to give Amion a hot tip.  Sally’s Pal broke the track record and is going to be running against “broken down fillies”.  Sheridan says colts run from fillies “like burg-u-lars.”  The odds are 15 to 1, so there is big money to be made.

Sheridan says if he hits it big, he is moving to Florida. If I hit it big, I’m leaving this freakin’ hellscape.  

Amion asks how much he would win if he bet $500.  Sheridan says, “Let’s say worse comes to worse and the horse only pays 10 bucks, the least a guy would pick up would be about $2,500.”  Amion asks Sheridan to place the bet for him.  Kudos for this subtle reference to the nuances of Win Place & Show betting.  To the casual boob (i.e. me), the math seems way off at first.  However, after some thought (or Googling), you can see how it would not only be possible, but also explain the denouement.

Amion is immediately seized by guilt and confesses to the monsignor.  The monsignor says he must pray for the horse to not win.   “You can’t expect a reward for your sin, no matter what the consequences.”

Amion does pray for the horse not to win.  He is still praying when Sheridan returns to the church.  He immediately apologizes to Sheridan for the horse not winning.  Sheridan confuses Amion by offering him a wad of bills.  He says, “You didn’t expect me to risk your dough on a WIN bet did you?  I took the $500 and bet him to PLACE.  He came in 2nd and paid $8.40.”   Sheridan hands over his winnings of $2,100.  The Lord works in parimutuel ways.

As always, another class act from AHP.  This one has the benefit of being directed by Hitchcock himself.  Claude Rains does his usual excellent job.  The surprise is Ed Gardner as Sheridan.  He is such a great presence, that I can’t believe how slim his resume is at IMDb.  

Other Stuff

  • [1]  I feel like I need to point out this is a reference to Lamp Unto My Feet — a show whose title I found hilarious as a kid.  It was a religious program that ran for 30 years and, astoundingly, was produced by CBS.  It’s almost like it was a different millennium.  They might still be embarrassed by Hee Haw but surely this one is censored from the archives completely.
  • For information about the background and production, check out bare*bones e-zine.  
  • Were some of the musical cues in this episode used in Leave it to Beaver?

One Step Beyond – The Haunted U-Boat (05/12/59)

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One Step Beyond had a good run of episodes set in the USA — two.  The tally is now 9 out of 17 episodes of this American series being set elsewhere.  This week we are asked to empathize with the crew of a Nazi U-Boat.  Is it too late to get that Hollywood Blacklist back?

U-Boat 147 is docked off the coast of Northern Germany.  Everyone who thought Germany was landlocked, rise your right hand. No, wait, don’t!  They are welcoming aboard Herr Bautmann, an aide to Der Fuhrer.  He is played by Werner Klemperer, Klink from Hogan’s Heroes.  In less than one minute, the words Hauptmann, Captain and Kapitan are all used.  Thus the TV precedent is established for Sgt. Schultz’s ein, zwei, three, four style of speaking. [2]  

As Bautmann is boarding, the sub is strafed and bombed.  The plane’s crew should be embarrassed that, with no defensive fire, they did not kill any Nazi’s or damage the sub.  The SFX crew should be embarrassed that the strings on the model plane are clearly visible. [1]  They submerge, but hear a clanging on the hull.  Fearful that they have left a man or bottle of schnapps on deck, the Captain wants to resurface, but Bautmann orders him not to.  Strangely, the entire crew is accounted for.

Bautmann takes a nap, but is awakened by the crew singing.  He is not mad, though.  He is cheered by the vitality of the young Aryan men on board.  He joins them with a bottle of cognac.  The clanging starts again and he nervously drops the bottle.  He runs to the captain and demands to know what the sound is.  He gets increasingly frantic and accuses the crew of doing this to “shake his nerves” and rattle his brain.

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!

The captain surfaces and the crew begins searching again for the source of the banging.  Bautmann is snoozing outside on the conning tower.  Word has come over the radio that Hitler has killed himself.  Bautmann is furious that someone has made up this lie to make him crazy.  He takes the radio and reports to the crew that Hitler died as a hero, leading his troops into battle.  Imagining that little uni-testicled asshole doing such a thing will be the best laugh you have in the next 5 minutes (admittedly a low bar).

The captain gets word that a ship is approaching, and orders the sub to dive.  Bautmann is furious that he won’t stay surfaced and find that clanging.  In observation of Axis Diversity Day, a crewman uses a karate chop to shut him up.

While the sub is pursued by the ship, Bautmann wakes up in his bunk.  He runs to the bridge shouting, “I can’t breathe!”  Then the clanging begins again.  He cries like [NAME REDACTED] [3] for the pounding to stop.  He finally passes out and the noise also stops.  The captain then realizes that they only hear the clanging when Bautmann is awake.

As depth charges explode around them, the Captain decides to surface and surrender.  Hitler is dead, the war is over, and he has no clean turtlenecks left, so what is the point?

Klempererer really chewed the bulkheads as he played Bautmann going insane.    The story didn’t quite gel, though.  Why did this phenomenon attach itself to him?  Sure, he’s a Nazi, but look around — they’re all Nazis!  Don’t forget that!  I guess we are to assume that he was an especially bad egg because he served so close to Hitler.  Then why was it audible to everyone, unlike the Tell-Tale Heart which was clearly an inspiration?  It was clearly directed at Bautmann since it occurred only during his waking hours.  

I guess that doesn’t really matter, and they only had 25 minutes to cram the story into.  On a note so routinely positive that it is getting boring — this show again looks fabulous!  The model at the beginning is only jarring because it is cut in with much other actual footage.  Kudos also on the submarine set.  It felt very accurate to me — to this day, I remember the layout, the claustrophobia, the smell of my countrymen packed in.  I must admit, I spent time aboard a German U-Boat during the war. [4]  

Disturbing banging on naval vessels became a regular trope.  We saw it on The Twilight Zone in the 1960’s.  Then in the 1970’s with these guys.

John Newland sez, “Next week we travel to the chateau country of France.”  Sacre bleu!

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  No points deducted for that.  It is really only an issue because it was preceded by so many great inserts of actual war footage.  Besides, seeing a model is kind of charming vs the CGI we are used to.
  • [2]  Bautmann is a civilian.  If he were a captain, he would be Hauptmann Bautmann.  That’s almost the Nazi equivalent of Major Major, but not as funny.  Whaddya want, they’re f***ing Nazis.
  • [3]  Nope, not here either.
  • [4]  OK, it was about an hour inside U-505 at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry during the Gulf War, but isn’t that actually better?

Outer Limits – Starcrossed (08/13/99)

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“In the year 2050, Earth was invaded by a humanoid race called The Hing. For six years a hard and grinding war was fought. At its conclusion, we were forced to agree that The Hing would retain control the land they already won.”

So wait, we were “forced” to agree, suggesting humanity was losing the war and accepted this compromise to avoid being eradicated.  But The Hing only demanded control of land already won?  Frankly, that’s a pretty sweet deal for humanity.  Quit yer bellyaching!

A young couple runs through the woods wearing camo.  They break through the treeline and see the NYC-ish city of Ark-Angel across the river.  They seem relieved, but that river is the size of the Hudson, so they aren’t out of the woods yet.  Well, literally, but not figuratively.  A Hing catches them, but he has a severe reaction when the woman exposes him to her toxic blood.  The same thing happened at Altamont when Keith Richards got a paper cut on some Zig Zags.  At least, that’s how I heard it.

That was a well-done intro.  Inside a bar named Heaven, the episode scores even more points by introducing Nathen Fillion as the lead, and Robbie Chong along side him.  He is the manager of the hotel which is a Casablancaesque crossroads where Hing and Human have an uneasy peaceful coexistence.   The Russkis also hang out there, in case there wasn’t enough tension; or alcoholics.

The woman from the intro enters the bar.  Immediately, one of The Hing starts hitting on her.  Wow, they really are humanoid — he’s better looking than me! At least Star Trek gave their aliens f***ed up foreheads.  Fillion puts her on the spot by saying she is in the bar to audition as a singer.  Luckily, she is able to flawlessly belt out a tune since voice and music lessons are often available during apocalyptic alien invasions. 

She and the guy ask Fillion for a scout ship that he has for some reason.  I’m sure it was explained, but I fell asleep multiple times trying to finish the episode, and I feel like I’ve done my duty.  He leads them to the white ship which is cleverly hidden . . . in a field, visible from miles away even at night.  Maybe he had the valet bring it around.  Again, I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.

This is the episode that broke me in September 2019.  It just seemed too awesome.  It had the always-entertaining Nathan Fillion, which should made made the episode.  It was a spin on Casablanca, but with no French people.  Fillion earned his pay by putting his spin on lines sometimes genuinely clever, and sometimes elevated by his delivery.  It had a good opening, and I thought I was unworthy to comment on such a great hunk of TV. 

I must not have finished the episode.  This was the biggest disappointment since the broadcast TV version of Blazing Saddles. [1]  Despite having so much going for it, and even with a classic movie to felch filch from, they just couldn’t fill the hour.  Oh, how they tried.  It zipped along like a glacier.  There were 2 — count ’em 2 — full songs sung by the girl whose name I still don’t know (of the songs or the girl).  Much as I like Nathan Fillion, the lengthy chest-kissing scene with sidal nudity is soul-crushing.  The episode ends with an absurdly staged gunfight which introduces slow-motion more drawn out than a Snyder Cut.

My recollection is that this series of Outer Limits rarely got your adrenaline flowing, but they were always solid.  Sadly, a few good quips couldn’t save this one.  There is just nothing here.  Go watch Firefly or Dr. Horrible instead.

[1]  OK, no Blazing Saddles at the link.  Actually, the TV version of Cameron Diaz’s line would have been a better choice.

Ray Bradbury Theater Listings on Amazon Prime

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Occasionally, I think about revisiting Ray Bradbury Theater.  My original takes were pretty negative.  As mentioned yesterday, maybe my expectations were too high.  Maybe I was in a rush to post every day back then.  Maybe it was due to the very poor transfers on the $9 DVDs.

I remembered that they are on Amazon Prime, so decided to try a couple.  When I saw the disrespect Amazon gives the series, I started to think maybe I was right. These icons are exactly as they currently appear on Amazon, and they have been there for quite a while.

I’m pretty sure that 3rd picture is Saul Rubinek from the dreadful episode Gotcha!.

Carol Kane and Shelley Duvall were only in 1 episode each, so I don’t know how they were both in 2 different seasons.  And wearing the same clothes.

Leslie Nielsen’s name is misspelled.  

But most likely to prevent me from watching it again: