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Night Gallery – Special Features

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nightgallery03As Michael Corleone said, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!”

I really did the post-mortem on this series in an earlier post due to a mix-up.  Then I slogged through a few more episodes and thought I finally finished. Now I find there are actually 2 full segments in the Special Features.

Giving them all the respect they deserve:

Die Now, Pay Later – A 13 minute segment which never aired as it never fit into the jigsaw puzzle of irregularly-timed segments; to the series’ benefit.  Grandpa Walton (Will Geer) and Slim Pickens (Mr. Taggart) have a yak-fest interrupted only, but repeatedly, by close-ups of a black cat.

I know what they were going for at the end, but the random cruelty of it just doesn’t work. The only positive note is the completely sexist presentation of Picken’s wife on the phone — yapping away like a chipmunk or Charlie Brown’s teacher on coke.

Little Girl Lost — A 23 minute segment that was aired in an edited form in the episode with The Caterpillar.  I opted out of posting on it at the time out of deference to The Twilight Zone episode by the same name.  It’s a decent enough segment for this series, but it still bugs me that they appropriated the name of a classic TZ episode.

And some filler:

Witches Feast — A 5 minute sketch which could have benefited by trimming out 4 to 5 minutes.  Even if the ending had a shred of of merit, the annoying cackling of the witches kill the spirit.

Room for One Less — 55 seconds including Serling’s into.  And still not worth the time. It could have earned a smirk, but the design of the monster and the staging are terrible.

Thus endeth The Night Gallery.

Tales from the Crypt – As Ye Sow (10/02/93)

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tftcasyesow01Uber-That-Guy Hector Elizondo (Leo Burns) is getting briefed by Adam West (in a rare non-campy role) who has been tailing Burns’ hot, much younger wife Patsy Kensit (Bridget, best known as the chick from Lethal Weapon 2).  They watch films of her going about her day, getting groceries, going to mass.  But there is no evidence of her cheating.

Burns is not convinced and explains his feelings to West as the camera does a totally pointless Vertigo push-pull shot.  I love these shots in theory, but it is just pointless here by director Kyle MacLachlan.  Maybe he knew this would be his only directing credit according to IMDb and just couldn’t resist.

tftcasyesow03Burns fires West and goes to a more sleazy detective, Sam Waterston (DeVoe).  He tells DeVoe that he first suspected his wife was having an affair when she stopped having the sex with him 2 months earlier.  DeVoe tells him there is a saying in the business:  “If you’re not getting it, someone else is.”

A week later, DeVoe tells Burns that his wife is going to mass every day and might be banging the priest.  Burns pays a visit to Father Sajec at the church, who he suspects did not buy a vowel of chastity[1].  As he is leaving, he sees the priest and his wife go into a confessional booth where his imagination runs wild at what might be happening inside.

tftcasyesow12He tells DeVoe he wants the priest “shot in the dick, then in the ear.”  Luckily, for the right price, DeVoe can make it happen.  Burns ponies up the dough for the hit man, but changes his mind and races to the church to prevent the killing.

He grabs some priesty clothes and sneaks into a confessional which fortuitously is visited by his wife within seconds. She confesses her sins which include not putting out for her husband.  Turns out it was not because of an affair with the priest, but because her mother died in childbirth and she was terrified of getting knocked up.

Burns is so thrilled to hear that, that he reveals himself 9not in the usual priestly way). Bridget is surprisingly thrilled to see her old coot husband and all is well until the hitman shows up sees a priest kissing Bridget.

tftcasyesow19Twist-wise, this is a perfect story for the series, but loses a few points in the execution.  If a great jazzy score by Branford Marsalis had not livened things up, it could have gotten a little maudlin.

MacLachlan is also very limited in his direction.  I don’t ever before remember being conscious of how many background / foreground conversations and cliche over the shoulder shots were in an episode.  I guess that’s why he tried to liven one up with the Vertigo gimmick (a gimmick here, not in Vertigo).

And Patsy Kensit is is criminally underused.  I hadn’t given her much of a thought since she was banging Martin Riggs.  But even in the fuzzy opening surveillance shots she is absolutely beautiful.  Granted, this is not really her story, but I would have liked more shots of her, and certainly better shots of her.  They had someone really special in that role and didn’t capitalize on her enough.

tftcasyesow23Elizondo and Waterston are pros, though.  And John Shea (who I knew only as Lex Luthor) was fine as the groovy priest.

Not a great episode, but some good performances, a great score and a tight story make this an above average outing.

 

 

Post-Post:

  • [1] I know, I know.
  • Title Analysis:  Nothing fancy, but solid; like rock.  Could apply to many episodes, but at least they didn’t randomly squander it, as a priest and church are key to the story.  Galatians 6:7, by the way.

Tales of Tomorrow – Verdict from Space (08/03/51)

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totverdict01Now that I’ve finished Thriller, or at least the “Fan Favorites,” it’s time to get back to the regularly scheduled Outer Limits.  But no, Hulu still has them behind the paywall; commercials aren’t enough. Oh, I know they have a commercial-free option now (yet another cash-grab), but I was ready to swallow my pride.

However, when I went to sign up, I was stopped dead. They are just a little too cozy with the fascist Facebook.  It wasn’t clear on the registration screen that you were not also signing up for Facebook as you enrolled in Hulu.  So fuck [1] Hulu.

And come on, America — why isn’t there a USA release of Outer Limits?  There are Canadian releases on Amazon, but they are absurdly expensive.  I ponied up for season 2 just because of Trial by Fire.  I would probably even spring for season 3 which cost more for fewer episodes, but I have read that they are censored.  Big Brotherish shielding of the delicate eyes of consenting adults from a little bit of constitutionally-protected skin like they are children?  Hey, that’s our thing, Canada!  You speak French, for God’s sake!

So now the coveted slot goes to Tales of Tomorrow.  Yeah, I never heard of it either, but I’m not really in the mood to start Amazing Stories yet.  Tales of Tomorrow ran only 2 seasons (1951 – 1953), but managed to rack up an astounding 86 episodes.  Of course this was an era when actors actually worked instead of spending their time worshiping the president, mocking the country that made them rich, insulting their fans, and trying to ban guns while flanked by their armed bodyguards.

Now on to Verdict from Spaaaaaace!

totverdict02Oh, ach du lieber, we start out with a commercial — I’m getting Hulu flashbacks.  At least these are the original 60 year old commercials, so they might be interesting. Tonight’s episode is brought to you by Jacques Kreisler Watchbands.  Note to research Dept:  I wonder if Apple lets you replace a watchband or do you have to buy another useless Apple watch?

Now on to Verdict from Spaaaaaace!

Gordon Kent has a problem.  Actually, he has two problems: He is on trial for murder and he has an enormous head.  Seriously, he’s built like Steve Rogers before he became Captain America.  So he might go to prison, but on the plus side, his trim little body will make him very popular.  That’s good in prison, right?

totverdict09He is being grilled on the witness stand about $5,000 that was stolen from the corpse of a Professor Sykes and a $5,000 deposit coincidentally then made into his own account. Also by coincidence that is just the sum he needed to start production on a new type of blowtorch he has invented which does not blow and has no torch.

As the jury goes out to deliberate, he sees that his lawyer has been playing tic-tac-toe. Who was he playing with?  There were just the two of them at the table.  No one expects a lawyer to give a damn about justice, but Kent is facing the death penalty, and back when it actually meant something (namely, death) — so I can’t imagine he was in a gaming mood with his rather bulbous head on the chopping block.  He takes this time to reflect on how he got here.

totverdict21While tinkering in his mother’s basement (blogging having not yet been invented), Kent receives an unexpected visit from Sykes, an archaeologist.  He says he has found “the key to the past” and he needs Kent’s new blowtorch to open a secret door.  In a cave, he has found a remarkable machine that has recorded every storm, earthquake and tidal wave for the past million years.

OK, finding a million-year-old computer is an amazing scientific find.  But couldn’t it have done something a little more interesting?  Maybe predict future storms? That technology still eludes us.  I’m lookin’ at you, Yahoo Weather!

totverdict31Sykes insists they go to the cave that very night.  After entering the cave, Sykes is unable to locate the door and Kent becomes skeptical.  Could it be just coincidence or is it the first recorded case of product placement when both their watches stop and we are treated to a closeup of Sykes’ watch — banded, no doubt by Jacques Kreisler.  A watchband was never this prominent again until Die Hard.

This and the eerie score tell them they are in the right cave.  After an extensive search of about 12 feet — literally, you can see Kent and the door in the same initial shot — Sykes locates the door.  It is large and rectangular like the 2001 monolith. Kent takes his new blowtorch to it, which means a little light bulb illuminates on the end.  It seems to Kent and Sykes to be doing nothing (also the audience).  Amusingly, as Kent turns it towards Sykes to comment, the sound effect for the blowtorch continues on.

totverdict35Then they hear a mechanism inside the door.  Kent declares that the door has “a heat lock — heat alone will open it.”  They might have spaceships and weather machines, but we’re light years ahead of them in security systems.  So he lights the little bulb again, and they are able to enter.  Sykes shows Kent the markings on a wire of historic earthquakes and volcanic eruptions.  The first mark on the wire is the test of the atomic bomb in 1945 (so that previous 999,994 years must have been pretty quiet on earth [2]).

The machine begins beeping and Sykes announces that an event larger than an Atomic Bomb has just occurred somewhere on earth.  It is later revealed that this was the blast of a Hydrogen Bomb (which, in reality, wouldn’t occur until a year after this aired).  In an utterly pointless argument and tussle, the machine is damaged.  The ground begins shaking and Sykes is killed by falling rocks which are about the size of dandruff.

totverdict48

Three Angry Men

The jury returns and has found Sykes guilty.  The judge agrees and asks if Kent would like to make a statement.  He tells the jury that “somewhere in this universe, someone has been watching us for a million years.”  He declares that whoever is out there in space was just waiting until we discovered the H-bomb, and then might be a threat to them . . . despite being untold light years away.  He pounds the table and says he “doesn’t know when they are coming, but when they do maybe you’ll realize . . .”

As his odd post-verdict closing statement goes on longer than John Galt’s, a strange sound enters the courtroom.  He runs to the window, points and screams, “look up there in the sky!  Spaceships, thousands of spaceships!”  The screen goes black and the destruction audibly begins.

totverdict51Recorded on video and with a budget that makes The Twilight Zone look like Avatar — also a very poor transfer, or maybe just kinescopes.  The story is certainly hacky by today’s standards and maybe it was even in 1951.  But it was the kind of simple, cornball sci-fi story that I love, so my verdict is a 7.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Only the 4th time I’ve used that word on this blog; I’m trying to save it for special occasions.
  • [2] Kind of a “holy crap” moment to realize this episode aired only 6 years after we A-bombed Japan (give or take 3 days!).  Actually Pompeii and the San Francisco earthquake are mentioned; I don’t know why the A-Bomb was first.
  • So the machine really served the same purpose as the 2001 monolith.
  • The ads for the watchbands state “Fed. Tax Included.”  Hunh?  Was there once a national watchband tax that I forgot about?  If so, that would partially explain why no one wears watches anymore.  Way to kill an industry, government!
  • These bands were running $50 – $100 in 2015 dollars.
  • Written by Theodore Sturgeon, who came up with a couple of classic Star Treks as well as Killdozer.
  • Available on YouTube as is as Killdozer.
  • Hulu sucks.

20 Horror Movies for $7.50 Recap

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horror750Well, this was a marked improvement over the 20 Movies for $5.00 box o’ fun.  Sometimes you do get what you pay for.

The $5.00 box depended more on old public domain films and current ultra low-budget indie movies.  This set relied more on TV movies and movies with more professional production values, even if they were low-budget. And a few cheapos.

Best of Show

Night of the Living Dead – Released to the public because of a legal blunder, just like OJ — so not really fair, but I don’t make the rules.  No, wait, I do make the rules.  It holds up.

Runner Ups – Or is it Runners Up like Courts Martial?  And why have there been so many Popes Paul?  There are a shocking number of watchable (and dare I say re-watchable) films in this package.

Zombie Dearest – Probably the 2nd best film in the collection, and 100% different in tone from NOLD.  I’m not usually one for humor / horror hybrids, but this one maintained a good balance and had some good performances to make it work.

Hide and Creep – I dreaded this one just based on the hacky title.  But I was completely wrong.  Even funnier than Zombie Dearest, full of quirky characters and funny lines.

Last of the Living – Another of the dreaded horror / comedy mash-ups that are consistently proving my pre-conceived notions to be wrong.  Like Hide and Creep, it is a low-key funny film, very well played by the cast.

Another Kind – Not a funny movie.  Not a lot happens — it reminded me of Blair Witch or Willow Creek, but not hand-held.  Just a fairly low-key depiction of what might realistically happen given some extraordinary event.

Salvage – A low-budget  gem — or at least cubic zirconia.  A pretty serious piece that you think you have figured out, but then it takes you somewhere that I don’t remember seeing before.  I’m not 100% sure it plays by its own rules, but it is close enough and clever enough to be fun.

MIdnight’s Child – Pretty good for what it was — a TV movie version of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle genre (but not bad enough for the later TV movie category).  No big surprises, but carried off by some good performances, a hot au pair, and the hypnotic sight of Peggy Olsen as a little girl.

They Coulda Been a Contender

Hurt – Could have been tightened up into a much better movie given the quality of the cast.

The Cellar Door – Potentially interesting, if trite, concept sunk by rampant stupidity of the characters and some poor directorial choices.

Live! From Death Row – I wanted to like this one for the cast and idea, but it just came off as cheap and cheesy.  If it had been done seriously as a 100% live news feed from the prison, they might have achieved something like the great Special Bulletin.  They did not.

I am Omega – Sure, a rip-off but from great source material.  Sadly it was a rip-off in title only and was doomed by some deadly performances.

Behind Your Eyes – Strange sensation in that I remember the movie, and yet I don’t remember it.  I re-read the post, I the remember scenes, but nothing resonates with me. That can’t be a good sign.

The Wind – The last movie in both Collections have evoked mixed emotions in me and were probably rewarded with a artificially high rating.  This one also had the bad fortune of following several good movies.  It wasn’t a good movie, but I can remember liking a few images, so it gets a break.

Lifetime Theater – Having never actually seen a Lifetime movie, I will just say that there was potential in most of these had they not muted all the elements that would have made them stand out.  It’s not even a matter of violence or gore — more energetic direction, an effective score . . . they might have had a decent TV movie.  They can’t all be Duel, but some could have been watchable.

Bay Coven – Lifetime version of Rosemary’s Baby.

Adrift – Lifetime version of Dead Calm.  But not bad.

Nightmare at Bitter Creek – Lifetime version of The Descent (but above ground).

No One Could Protect Her – An amalgam of every Lifetime woman-in-danger stalker movie ever made.  Right down to the title.

Not Ready for Prime Time

Bleeding Rose – Possibly the most amateurish film in the collection.  Poor acting from most of the performers, and almost completely lacking in likable characters.

Ominous – In the first scene, the realtor calls the house a “piece of shit.”  I can’t quite go that far in describing the film, but it is pretty much a nothing.  When your best shot is a down-blouse of the female lead cleaning the floor, that is not a good sign.

The Cry – A stunning lack non-performance from the talented (based on other projects) lead actor and some awful camera-work ruin any chance this film could have had.