A pretty nice car pulls up in front of a not so nice run-down house. A man steps out and says, “I can’t believe somebody bought this piece of shit.” He goes in, but is quickly scared out by ghostly breathing and murmurs.
Six months later.
Calling from his office, the hyper-tanned Mitch interrupts a very pleasant viewing experience (see below) as Sara cleans up some spilled milk. He informs his wife Sara that the family is taking a trip to her family’s old cabin which he purchased. The lack of emotion, and really any sign of life, he exhibits in this call, is stunning. He is a non-entity.
The reaction of Sara is strange also. We have just seen the cabin a few seconds earlier. The realtor is correct, it is a “piece of shit.” Seen in the prologue, it is filthy and does not even seem to still have walls separating the rooms — God knows what’s holding the roof up. Why isn’t her response, “Are you f***ing crazy?”
Clearly Mitch is successful, he has a beautiful wife with big boobs, his cute young secretary is flirting with him while he talks to his wife, he either owns a tanning bed or has lots of free time to lay out by the pool, and he just bought a cabin in the woods. Yet, I reiterate, he is a dull, dull zero. I just hope this is laying the groundwork for him to eventually go ape-shit with an axe as the movie progresses.
They pull up to site of the house formerly known as “piece of shit.” Mitch has had the original house torn down and built a large luxurious cabin in its place.
The movie is so inept that it is not clear when Sara learns that he has had this palace built. He only told her on the phone that he bought the property, but when they get there she says it looks nothing like the pictures, so she is aware of the new structure. Like her husband, she shows almost no interest or emotion.
Their teenage son Scott has no interest in the house and takes off for a walk in the woods. Being a teenager, this is at least in character for him. He too senses someone else and hears murmurs and laughter. He then becomes very interested in the house — interested in running his ass inside of it to hide.
We discover that Mitch had an affair and his wife and older son’s still hold a huge grudge against him. Sara says she wishes there was some way she could thank him for the house, clearly implying he ain’t gonna get any — he looks like he spends more time in a tanning bed than regular bed anyway.
That night, they get a little mileage out of a kid scurrying by just out of Sara’s sight, and other creepy kids being revealed as a character move to the side. I’m usually a sucker for this kind of thing, but this is going nowhere. There are several, and I mean multiple scenes of the creepy kids near or seen by the daughter Christina, but nothing ever happens. They are not threatening, the are just there. After a while you can get used to anything; even a creepy zombie kid just standing around.
The filmmakers also make far too extensive use of screeching violins. Everyone can agree the the shrieking strings in the Psycho shower scene were great. Imagine them going on for several minutes and you’ll get how grating this noise is.
The next day, Mitch has to go back home for the day — something about trouble at the office or a missed tanning appointment, I forget. OK, now things are really going to take off. Well we do get a flashback of Sara’s abusive mother, but it’s too little too late at this point.
There is some occasional interesting camera work, the creepy kids are explained, and the interaction between the live kids (not involving the parents) often rang true. Otherwise there is nothing to be said for this one. What a waste of a good title.
- No, Sean Patrick Flaherty is in this.
- Available on Amazon Prime, but why would ya?