Monthly Archives: February 2019

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Hooked (09/25/60)

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Handsome young stud Ray Marchand pulls up to the Bait and Tackle store in a car the size of the Nimitz.  The Bait must be of the Jail variety — out comes blonde Lolita, Nyla Foster.  Wait, unfortunately, this Lolita is 30 years old.  I mean, it’s fortunate that she isn’t 12 as in the novel, but 30 is simply too old for this role.  This might have doomed the episode in any other series because it was on my mind every second she was on the screen.  AHP’s usual excellence prevailed, though, and it was a good ride. [this is explained later]

Nyla immediately recognizes the car as belonging to Mrs. Marchand, but mistakes Ray for being her son rather than her husband.  This does not stop Ray from relentlessly flirting with her in the way that only guys with a full head of hair can get away with without getting maced.  We learn that Mrs. Marchand is loaded and Ray married her for the money.

Before Ray makes much progress, a small fishing boat motors up.  Nyla’s father and Mrs. Marchand climb onto the dock.

Wow, he wasn’t kidding — she is rich; like MacKenzie Bezos rich.  She must be.  Why else would he be with her?  I don’t think even Oprah rich would have been enough.  Not only is she 27 years older than him, she is dumpy with a porcine face.  She is even 15 years older than Nyla’s father.

This is not helped when she says to Ray, “Give momma a kiss.”  When he is reluctant, she knows that he has been flirting with Nyla.  They clearly have an “understanding”.  Mrs. Marchand knows Ray cheats on her, and he stays with her for the money.  I must say, though, this relationship is still less creepy than the one William Shatner had with his mother in Mother, May I Go Out to Swim?.

The next day, Ray goes to the lakefront cafe which, like all great cafes, seems to be in the Bait Shop.  He ogles Nyla’s behind from behind as she unpacks some bottles, which is how Fatty Arbuckle’s troubles began.  He wants to take her out on the lake, but she says her father would never allow her to go out alone with a man.  Again, coming from a 30 year old woman, this just feels off.  She does tell him that her father goes into town for supplies every Monday (hint, hint).

They go down the the lakeshore and start smooching, but Nyla gets the willies — the dry kind — and bolts.  A week later, Ray finally tracks her down at one of the only two spots she ever goes to.  She is tanning at the same secluded shore.  It is disappointing to see that she  smokes; and wears a top.  Ray asks why she has been avoiding him.  She says, “I told you last week, I can’t see you anymore.”  She says it with such a deep voice, though, that I again questioned the casting; or it might have been the smoking.

Nyla will not go all the way without a ring on her finger.  However, Ray can’t divorce Gladys without her cutting off his cash.  Hmmmm, how would AHP solve such a problem?  Especially since Gladys has been spending a lot of time on the lake and can’t swim despite being her own personal flotation device.  Seems like there must be some solution.  I wonder . . .

Gladys always goes on her fishing trips with Nyla’s father, though.  Ray suggests, for a change, he will take Gladys out on the lake.  Gladys is happy for his change of heart to accompany her in the boat, just the two of them.  Although, she should have been suspicious when his fingers smelled fishy before the trip.

The denouement is so great that I had to use a french word to describe it.

Mea Culpa: I first watched the episode on dailymotion, which has some problems.  The speed is often too slow and must be cranked to 1.25X.  An additional problem there is that the aspect ratio is wrong, so the picture was widened.  This added about 20 pounds to Nyla, making her look much older; although not so much of an issue when she stood in profile (heyyooo!).  The DVD (source of the pictures) solved part of the age issue.  But still, they had a 30 year old actress playing a college student.  If filmed today, she would be playing the mother.

That said, the lovely Anne Francis was great, as she always is.  Gladys was, appropriately, hammy.  Director Norman Lloyd displayed some uncharacteristically showy camerwork, to great effect.  The outdoor locations and Robert Horton as the smarmy Ray also added to this being a great episode.

Other Stuff:

  • AHP Deathwatch: All cast members have passed away.  Maybe if they had gotten a younger actress to play Nyla . . .
  • Director Norman Lloyd — the most talented guy in Hollywood that no one ever heard of — still with us at 104 years old.  Has anyone knocked on his door lately?
  • Title Analysis:  Unexceptional fishing reference for most of the episode, then zowie!
  • This was Robert Horton’s 7th AHP Appearance.  Anne Francis was seen in Jesse-Belle and the original version of The After Hours.
  • Love these 28-day months!

Twilight Zone – Many, Many Monkeys (03/18/89)

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Jean Reed comes into the emergency room, asking to see a doctor.  In the time it takes for Dr. Peterson to show up, she goes completely blind which sounds typical.  He removes her dark glasses and sees a white film over her eyes like giant cataracts or Act III of a scene on Pornhub.

After nurse Claire Hendricks turns away an old couple for having no insurance, she is told Mrs. Reed is asking for her.  She goes to the room and says, “You wanted to see me, Mrs. Reed?” which you should never say to a blind person.  Mrs. Reed says she thinks the two of them are alike, but does not elaborate.

The next day, Claire is calling about a phone bill that is $50 higher than expected.  Dr. Peterson interrupts and says Jean Reed’s husband has come in, and he is blind also.  He doesn’t care that his wife is there, though, because she abandoned him when he went blind.

A nurse tells her she needs to go to the ER.  She finds a dozen people have come in with a similar sudden onset of blindness, although that also might be due to Pornhub.  The head of the hospital says he has never seen anything like this.  Hundreds of people in every major city are suddenly going blind.

The next day, Mrs. Reed tells Claire the others call her a “dedicated woman” because of how hard she works.  She again says the two of them are alike.  “I know what is happening, I know how it’s happening and I know why it’s happening.” She says we are like monkeys.  “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.  We turn a blind eye to the pain around us.”  Although I’ve always heard that once you can no longer see evil, your ability to hear evil is enhanced.

A research group learns that just before the first case, there was an explosion at a top-secret biological research lab in Alaska.  Certain unstable forms of bacteria were released into the atmosphere.  As the doctor is reading the report to the group, he goes blind.

After the meeting, Peterson finds Claire curled up in her office crying.  Her marriage is breaking up, she has become callous toward patients, she has cut herself off from the world to avoid the pain.  She has come to agree with Mrs. Reed that the blindness epidemic is a punishment.  Then she goes blind.

This episode was a breakthrough for me as it really made me realize how easy it is it make a snap judgment, or offer a knee-jerk criticism.  The first time I watched this episode, I thought it was a bit of a mess.  The blindness was was caused by a physical layer of skin over the eye, yet it seemed to occur within seconds. The explosion in Alaska just seemed to muddle things.

Watching it again a few weeks later, I realized my error.  The episode is not about the blindness epidemic; it is about Claire.  The concept might have a few issues, and be too reminiscent of the hokey (but well intentioned) I am the Night — Color me Black.  But use that just as a backdrop for Claire’s self-examination, and suddenly the  episode becomes a pretty nice little character study.

The ending, which I will not spoil, and the adorable as hell Karen Valentine make this one of the better episodes of this TZ run.

Tales from the Crypt – In the Groove (12/21/94)

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The episode was the director’s only credit.  It was co-written by a guy with only one other credit.  It starred an actress with only 4 other TV credits that did not star her boyfriend.  And it was about an occupation which never translates well to the screen — radio [1]

It never had a chance, did it?  Well, yes it actually did.  The cast was rounded out by Wendie Malick and Miguel Ferrer who have both done a lot of fine work.  Unfortunately, both are stuck in roles that they are completely unsuited for.

Zapruder shot of the spittle. That is one magic loogie.

The episode begins like every TV show set in a radio station — in the dark [1].  Gary Grover is doing his radio show which is unbelievable in every way.  He is methodically narrating himself undressing a woman.  We get a close-up profile of his lips as he describes removing her shoes, her stockings, her underwear.  We are also treated to a couple of shots of spit flying out as he talks, for no reason.

The first question is, why is it dark at 8:57 in the morning?  The second is, WTF would listen to this awful show at 8:57 in the morning?  This isn’t like Howard Stern having fun interviewing porn-stars.  This is a humorless, sexual, role-playing show airing in the drive-time slot.  Is it him doing the role-playing every day?

Gary gets mad at his guest who is 1) inexplicably in the studio rather than on the phone, and 2) is a dumpy, middle aged woman totally misrepresented in the cut-away shots from Gary’s flapping lips. [2]  We learn that the 9 am on-air personality gets ten times Gary’s radio ratings, which is understandable until you see that it is Slash from Guns N’ Roses.

Gary’s sister Rita is the station manager which makes the lurid sexual nature of his show even creepier.  She is unable to fire him, so puts him on the graveyard shift and makes him take on a co-host.  He is not interested in working with her even after seeing she is a prim, hot blonde.  His new intro is:

Welcome to Grover’s Graveyard.  The show that gets you up from six feet under.

What does that even mean?  Co-host Valerie was hired at the same time as the slot change to improve the ratings.  She gets no mention in the new intro?  OK, I guess Graveyard is a reference to the time-slot.  But “six feet under” is clearly a graveyard reference, and his show has nothing to do with horror or the macabre.

Gary lethargically begins his dreadful show the same way he has always begun his sexual exploits — both on the radio and, I imagine, off — solo.  He lifelessly croaks, “Oh, you are so hot.  Can I take your shoe off?”  Do all of his monologues begin with shoes?  I can’t adequately express how truly awful Grover’s Graveyard is.  As he begins on the leg, Valerie jumps in.  Just as Rita expected, she immediately breathes life into the show,  Who would have thought sexy-talk would be better from a hot, young blonde than from an angry middle-aged bald guy?  Even Gary is energized.

Inexplicably, the next scenes have Valerie doing nothing but feeding Gary a few lines via keyboard.  After her great sexy, on-air debut she says nothing.  The script is baffling.  Gary isn’t holding her back; he is excited about the show again and sponsors are flooding back.  But she is just typing.

We do see her importance when she stops feeding him lines; he is an imbecile.  She wants the show to talk about things over than sex.  As he struggles for a topic, she suggests asking people what makes them angry.  She leads him on by typing AUTHORITY FIGURES, then MOTHER.

Gary begins ranting about his dead mother’s will.  “Did she leave me her Chicago station?  No.  Her Minneapolis station?  No.”  He says his mother only left him half of the small Lancaster station because she “wanted to keep me under her thumb even from beyond the grave”.  Or, more likely, because she didn’t want this talentless boob to bankrupt a station in a major market.  And if she hated him so much, why is his sister working in the same station?  Gary tears his mother’s watchful portrait off the wall, which was long overdue given the sexual nature of his show.

After he rants at length about his dead mother and hopes she’s in hell, Rita — apparently management also works the midnight to 6 shift — approaches the window.  She gives the finger across the throat signal.  Mom also had it in her will that no one could defame her on the air.  Rita can’t fire Gary, but does take him off the air.  This leads to a twist in the last 2 minutes that is silly, but welcome.

This is a rare TFTC with no supernatural element and thus no reason for being.  Gary and his show are so repulsive that you hate them far more than dramatically necessary.  Wendie Malick is fine, but a TFTC episode should have used her comedic chops.  The whole episode is just dreary.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Except NewsRadio and WKRP.
  • [2] Oh, you say the sexy body in the cutaways represents the radio listeners’ imagination?  Were they also rapturously imagining Gary’s big ol’ spittle-flicking lips?
  • Title Analysis:  In the Groove would only make sense if they played music on the station; and were 60 years old.

Outer Limits – What Will the Neighbors Think? (04/23/99)

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Well they roped me from the first second.  There is a jaunty little piano tune in the background and a young woman begins a voice-over.  It is so refreshing and unlike the usual Outer Limits opening that I fear the episode will not back it up.

Mona tells us she has lived in the Clarkson Arms all her life.  She admits it has seen better days, but thinks it still has charm.  Her husband Ned is pumped because he was offered his dream job managing Crazy Moe’s Electronics Superstore.  Mona refuses to move out of the Clarkson Arms, though, so he folds like Crazy Eddie’s.

Mona goes to the condo board meeting to discuss who has been buying up units as residents have been abandoning the old building.  The remaining owners are violently opposed to selling out cheap.  The cutting-off of heads is mentioned.  Uh, here’s a less radical solution:  just don’t sell.

Mona now has a cause — you know, other than crushing her husband’s dreams —  to get excited about.  She thinks maybe the mysterious buyers will not want the building if it is full of Radon, so she buys a Radon-Detection Kit.  Although, maybe she should have just bought some Radon.  While she is testing the basement, she catches her married (not to each other) neighbors Shirley and Dom banging [1] on top of the washer.  Mona backs her wheelchair into the shadows and is electrocuted.  Yeah, so I didn’t mention she was in a wheelchair.  You think that defines her?  What’s wrong with you?  Anyway, she falls out of the chair, but on the way down hears the naughty thoughts of her fornicating [2] neighbors.

She wriggles on her stomach all the way to their 3rd floor unit.  I guess she took the stairs, because how would she reach the elevator button?  Ned picks her up and carries her inside.  At the next owner’s meeting, she is able to hear everyone’s thoughts and discovers they are a bunch of neurotic, unfaithful, insecure, hateful dolts.  Concerned that their unhappiness might cause them to sell out and move out, Mona tries to help with the problems only she knows about.

Everything is easier with cash, so she asks to get in on Dom’s poker game.  The other players are resistant, but she demonstrates her knowledge of poker by reciting the winning hands in order and, after all, brought her own chair.  Heyooooo!

With her new psychic ability, she cleans the men out, but the game also exhausts the viewer.  Her reading of minds is demonstrated on-screen by filming the actors with a fish-eye lens, overlighting them, and having them speak maniacally directly to the camera.  It became tedious at the owner’s meeting, but unbearable at the poker game.  The device might have worked if used judiciously, but in some scenes the grotesque over-emoting occupies over half of the screen time.

Mona tries to set everyone’s lives on the right track.  This leads to a scene of escalating mayhem which shows signs of greatness on a Night at the Opera stateroom level.  Unfortunately, it is undermined by these repulsive characters.  Toward the end, their grotesque inner-selves are indistinguishable from their live personalities.  I just didn’t care what happened to these clowns.

That is not the end though.  There is an utterly unnecessary twist which makes no sense.

Jane Adams was perfectly cast and gives a great performance as Mona.  Every other character is so relentlessly over-the-top that they are repulsive.  The lone exception is her husband.  He is relatively normal, but I have no idea what his character is.  He appears to be unemployed, yet sits around all day in a suit.  He wants a job managing a store, but seems to be a real estate mogul.  He seems to love Mona, but has a long-existing plot to kill her.

It really is too bad the episode went off the rails.  It was fun, well-scored, and artfully directed.  It was just a chore being around these people.

Footnotes:

  • [1] Really, they named him Dom Pardo?
  • [2] I used the nice word there in honor of Outer Limits’ restraint.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard an F-bomb used in this series.  They do, however, show occasional nudity so I’m happy with the trade-off.

Science Fiction Theatre – The Long Sleep (04/13/56)

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Truman Bradley tries to teach us about hibernation by dropping a raw egg on a table versus dropping a frozen egg.  I don’t think that is a good analogy, and it irks me that he wasted an egg — that was someone’s child!  He says the principle is also true in some animals.  He shows us a cold, hibernating bear cub on the table.  Fortunately, he does not toss a conscious bear out the window to prove his point.  “This is the theme of the story you are about to see.”

Dr. Samuel Willard is checking his artificial hibernation equipment. An important patient is being brought in with massive infections, a temperature of 107, and the worst case of hypertrichosis John has ever seen.  Hey wait, that’s Jambi the Orangutan from the local zoo!

John asks if hibernation can be used although it is not clear why.  Hibernation will cool him down, but with a little hat and bowtie, he’s already the coolest orangutan in town.  It would halt the infection, but it not cure him.  Dr. Willard says he has only ever tried the procedure on squirrels and hedgehogs.  He agrees to try, but does not expect success.

They put Jambi into a coffin-like box filled with ice which will 1) chill him down to 80 degrees, and 2) be very convenient if this doesn’t work out.  When he gets down to 81, Willard tells Ruth it is close enough for gorilla work and to stop the chilling.  But since he is buried in ice, how is she going to stop the temp . . . oh, nevermind.

Jambi had been given 12 hours to live, but 24 hours later Jambi is still alive and his body is fighting the disease.  WTH?  Truman Bradley just said infections are stopped during hibernation.  Maybe this is more like an induced coma . . . too easy. [1]

After one more day, they revive him.  Dr. Willard gives him the banana test.  He figures if Jambi eats it he will be OK.  Success!  The town rejoices and the newspaper headlines return to calling President Eisenhower a fascist imbecile.  Willard is a smart guy, though; he cautions his family it will take many more years of research, studies, tests, patents, and government funding to make this single achievement a success.

That night, Willard is shocked to get a call asking him to repeat the procedure on . . . a gorilla.  OMG!  Wait, another freakin’ monkey?  Well it does worry him that it is a step closer to man.  He gets over it quickly, and goes to his lab that night.  The caller shows up with a gorilla with the worst case of alopecia he has ever seen.  Oh, wait, it is a boy, not a gorilla.

Mr. Barton does not care about Dr. Willard’s protests that the procedure is not yet safe for a human.  Willard punches him out and calls the cops.  Barton says if Willard calls the police, his wife and son will die.  Barton has kidnapped them.

Willard puts the boy into the icy hibernation chamber.  The next morning he is alive, but with a week heartbeat.  You know, like you might get from hypothermia since humans can’t hibernate.  But he has lasted longer than his previous doctor expected, so it is all good so far.   Ruth comes in and they determine the kid has a kidney infection.  For the next 4 days, the kid is hooked up to an artificial kidney.

Blah blah blah.  There is a subplot where Barton is going to see Willard’s wife each day to deliver her insulin only as long as Willard cooperates.  Even with this extra wrinkle, the episode is just deadly dull.  Dick Foran as Willard is laughably bad in some scenes.  Some blame is due to the director, but his performance often feels like a silent movie.  A few times, the director has him speak directly to the camera in an extreme close-up.  Despite the sound, I expected a title card to pop up.

John Doucette as Barton was just loathsome.  I guess he was supposed to be.  But he should have also had a bit of humanity as he was doing this to save his son.

There are silences, deliberate line readings, sluggish dialog, just about every problem you can think of.  This is an episode that had potential — a scientific (if implausible) theory, a guy getting punched out, blackmail, a wife who could be killed at any time, an orangutan, and Ruth the smokin’ hot assistant.

After a promising start in Season 2, this is just a bomb.  Not the bomb, just a bomb.

Footnotes:

  • [1] Once again, reading this later, I don’t know what this means.  The episode was inducing a coma for me?  Was that the titular long sleep?