Yeah, Game of Thrones is pretty much an Asylum version of these shows. This is Bidenesque-level plagiarism[1].
Post-Post:
- [1] Also . . . Robinette?
Nextflix Recommendations
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Monthly Archives: November 2015
Tales from the Crypt – As Ye Sow (10/02/93)
Uber-That-Guy Hector Elizondo (Leo Burns) is getting briefed by Adam West (in a rare non-campy role) who has been tailing Burns’ hot, much younger wife Patsy Kensit (Bridget, best known as the chick from Lethal Weapon 2). They watch films of her going about her day, getting groceries, going to mass. But there is no evidence of her cheating.
Burns is not convinced and explains his feelings to West as the camera does a totally pointless Vertigo push-pull shot. I love these shots in theory, but it is just pointless here by director Kyle MacLachlan. Maybe he knew this would be his only directing credit according to IMDb and just couldn’t resist.
Burns fires West and goes to a more sleazy detective, Sam Waterston (DeVoe). He tells DeVoe that he first suspected his wife was having an affair when she stopped having the sex with him 2 months earlier. DeVoe tells him there is a saying in the business: “If you’re not getting it, someone else is.”
A week later, DeVoe tells Burns that his wife is going to mass every day and might be banging the priest. Burns pays a visit to Father Sajec at the church, who he suspects did not buy a vowel of chastity[1]. As he is leaving, he sees the priest and his wife go into a confessional booth where his imagination runs wild at what might be happening inside.
He tells DeVoe he wants the priest “shot in the dick, then in the ear.” Luckily, for the right price, DeVoe can make it happen. Burns ponies up the dough for the hit man, but changes his mind and races to the church to prevent the killing.
He grabs some priesty clothes and sneaks into a confessional which fortuitously is visited by his wife within seconds. She confesses her sins which include not putting out for her husband. Turns out it was not because of an affair with the priest, but because her mother died in childbirth and she was terrified of getting knocked up.
Burns is so thrilled to hear that, that he reveals himself 9not in the usual priestly way). Bridget is surprisingly thrilled to see her old coot husband and all is well until the hitman shows up sees a priest kissing Bridget.
Twist-wise, this is a perfect story for the series, but loses a few points in the execution. If a great jazzy score by Branford Marsalis had not livened things up, it could have gotten a little maudlin.
MacLachlan is also very limited in his direction. I don’t ever before remember being conscious of how many background / foreground conversations and cliche over the shoulder shots were in an episode. I guess that’s why he tried to liven one up with the Vertigo gimmick (a gimmick here, not in Vertigo).
And Patsy Kensit is is criminally underused. I hadn’t given her much of a thought since she was banging Martin Riggs. But even in the fuzzy opening surveillance shots she is absolutely beautiful. Granted, this is not really her story, but I would have liked more shots of her, and certainly better shots of her. They had someone really special in that role and didn’t capitalize on her enough.
Elizondo and Waterston are pros, though. And John Shea (who I knew only as Lex Luthor) was fine as the groovy priest.
Not a great episode, but some good performances, a great score and a tight story make this an above average outing.
Post-Post:
- [1] I know, I know.
- Title Analysis: Nothing fancy, but solid; like rock. Could apply to many episodes, but at least they didn’t randomly squander it, as a priest and church are key to the story. Galatians 6:7, by the way.
Tales of Tomorrow – Verdict from Space (08/03/51)
Now that I’ve finished Thriller, or at least the “Fan Favorites,” it’s time to get back to the regularly scheduled Outer Limits. But no, Hulu still has them behind the paywall; commercials aren’t enough. Oh, I know they have a commercial-free option now (yet another cash-grab), but I was ready to swallow my pride.
However, when I went to sign up, I was stopped dead. They are just a little too cozy with the fascist Facebook. It wasn’t clear on the registration screen that you were not also signing up for Facebook as you enrolled in Hulu. So fuck [1] Hulu.
And come on, America — why isn’t there a USA release of Outer Limits? There are Canadian releases on Amazon, but they are absurdly expensive. I ponied up for season 2 just because of Trial by Fire. I would probably even spring for season 3 which cost more for fewer episodes, but I have read that they are censored. Big Brotherish shielding of the delicate eyes of consenting adults from a little bit of constitutionally-protected skin like they are children? Hey, that’s our thing, Canada! You speak French, for God’s sake!
So now the coveted slot goes to Tales of Tomorrow. Yeah, I never heard of it either, but I’m not really in the mood to start Amazing Stories yet. Tales of Tomorrow ran only 2 seasons (1951 – 1953), but managed to rack up an astounding 86 episodes. Of course this was an era when actors actually worked instead of spending their time worshiping the president, mocking the country that made them rich, insulting their fans, and trying to ban guns while flanked by their armed bodyguards.
Now on to Verdict from Spaaaaaace!
Oh, ach du lieber, we start out with a commercial — I’m getting Hulu flashbacks. At least these are the original 60 year old commercials, so they might be interesting. Tonight’s episode is brought to you by Jacques Kreisler Watchbands. Note to research Dept: I wonder if Apple lets you replace a watchband or do you have to buy another useless Apple watch?
Now on to Verdict from Spaaaaaace!
Gordon Kent has a problem. Actually, he has two problems: He is on trial for murder and he has an enormous head. Seriously, he’s built like Steve Rogers before he became Captain America. So he might go to prison, but on the plus side, his trim little body will make him very popular. That’s good in prison, right?
He is being grilled on the witness stand about $5,000 that was stolen from the corpse of a Professor Sykes and a $5,000 deposit coincidentally then made into his own account. Also by coincidence that is just the sum he needed to start production on a new type of blowtorch he has invented which does not blow and has no torch.
As the jury goes out to deliberate, he sees that his lawyer has been playing tic-tac-toe. Who was he playing with? There were just the two of them at the table. No one expects a lawyer to give a damn about justice, but Kent is facing the death penalty, and back when it actually meant something (namely, death) — so I can’t imagine he was in a gaming mood with his rather bulbous head on the chopping block. He takes this time to reflect on how he got here.
While tinkering in his mother’s basement (blogging having not yet been invented), Kent receives an unexpected visit from Sykes, an archaeologist. He says he has found “the key to the past” and he needs Kent’s new blowtorch to open a secret door. In a cave, he has found a remarkable machine that has recorded every storm, earthquake and tidal wave for the past million years.
OK, finding a million-year-old computer is an amazing scientific find. But couldn’t it have done something a little more interesting? Maybe predict future storms? That technology still eludes us. I’m lookin’ at you, Yahoo Weather!
Sykes insists they go to the cave that very night. After entering the cave, Sykes is unable to locate the door and Kent becomes skeptical. Could it be just coincidence or is it the first recorded case of product placement when both their watches stop and we are treated to a closeup of Sykes’ watch — banded, no doubt by Jacques Kreisler. A watchband was never this prominent again until Die Hard.
This and the eerie score tell them they are in the right cave. After an extensive search of about 12 feet — literally, you can see Kent and the door in the same initial shot — Sykes locates the door. It is large and rectangular like the 2001 monolith. Kent takes his new blowtorch to it, which means a little light bulb illuminates on the end. It seems to Kent and Sykes to be doing nothing (also the audience). Amusingly, as Kent turns it towards Sykes to comment, the sound effect for the blowtorch continues on.
Then they hear a mechanism inside the door. Kent declares that the door has “a heat lock — heat alone will open it.” They might have spaceships and weather machines, but we’re light years ahead of them in security systems. So he lights the little bulb again, and they are able to enter. Sykes shows Kent the markings on a wire of historic earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. The first mark on the wire is the test of the atomic bomb in 1945 (so that previous 999,994 years must have been pretty quiet on earth [2]).
The machine begins beeping and Sykes announces that an event larger than an Atomic Bomb has just occurred somewhere on earth. It is later revealed that this was the blast of a Hydrogen Bomb (which, in reality, wouldn’t occur until a year after this aired). In an utterly pointless argument and tussle, the machine is damaged. The ground begins shaking and Sykes is killed by falling rocks which are about the size of dandruff.
Three Angry Men
The jury returns and has found Sykes guilty. The judge agrees and asks if Kent would like to make a statement. He tells the jury that “somewhere in this universe, someone has been watching us for a million years.” He declares that whoever is out there in space was just waiting until we discovered the H-bomb, and then might be a threat to them . . . despite being untold light years away. He pounds the table and says he “doesn’t know when they are coming, but when they do maybe you’ll realize . . .”
As his odd post-verdict closing statement goes on longer than John Galt’s, a strange sound enters the courtroom. He runs to the window, points and screams, “look up there in the sky! Spaceships, thousands of spaceships!” The screen goes black and the destruction audibly begins.
Recorded on video and with a budget that makes The Twilight Zone look like Avatar — also a very poor transfer, or maybe just kinescopes. The story is certainly hacky by today’s standards and maybe it was even in 1951. But it was the kind of simple, cornball sci-fi story that I love, so my verdict is a 7.
Post-Post:
- [1] Only the 4th time I’ve used that word on this blog; I’m trying to save it for special occasions.
- [2] Kind of a “holy crap” moment to realize this episode aired only 6 years after we A-bombed Japan (give or take 3 days!). Actually Pompeii and the San Francisco earthquake are mentioned; I don’t know why the A-Bomb was first.
- So the machine really served the same purpose as the 2001 monolith.
- The ads for the watchbands state “Fed. Tax Included.” Hunh? Was there once a national watchband tax that I forgot about? If so, that would partially explain why no one wears watches anymore. Way to kill an industry, government!
- These bands were running $50 – $100 in 2015 dollars.
- Written by Theodore Sturgeon, who came up with a couple of classic Star Treks as well as Killdozer.
- Available on YouTube as is as Killdozer.
- Hulu sucks.
20 Horror Movies for $7.50 Recap
Well, this was a marked improvement over the 20 Movies for $5.00 box o’ fun. Sometimes you do get what you pay for.
The $5.00 box depended more on old public domain films and current ultra low-budget indie movies. This set relied more on TV movies and movies with more professional production values, even if they were low-budget. And a few cheapos.
Best of Show
Night of the Living Dead – Released to the public because of a legal blunder, just like OJ — so not really fair, but I don’t make the rules. No, wait, I do make the rules. It holds up.
Runner Ups – Or is it Runners Up like Courts Martial? And why have there been so many Popes Paul? There are a shocking number of watchable (and dare I say re-watchable) films in this package.
Zombie Dearest – Probably the 2nd best film in the collection, and 100% different in tone from NOLD. I’m not usually one for humor / horror hybrids, but this one maintained a good balance and had some good performances to make it work.
Hide and Creep – I dreaded this one just based on the hacky title. But I was completely wrong. Even funnier than Zombie Dearest, full of quirky characters and funny lines.
Last of the Living – Another of the dreaded horror / comedy mash-ups that are consistently proving my pre-conceived notions to be wrong. Like Hide and Creep, it is a low-key funny film, very well played by the cast.
Another Kind – Not a funny movie. Not a lot happens — it reminded me of Blair Witch or Willow Creek, but not hand-held. Just a fairly low-key depiction of what might realistically happen given some extraordinary event.
Salvage – A low-budget gem — or at least cubic zirconia. A pretty serious piece that you think you have figured out, but then it takes you somewhere that I don’t remember seeing before. I’m not 100% sure it plays by its own rules, but it is close enough and clever enough to be fun.
MIdnight’s Child – Pretty good for what it was — a TV movie version of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle genre (but not bad enough for the later TV movie category). No big surprises, but carried off by some good performances, a hot au pair, and the hypnotic sight of Peggy Olsen as a little girl.
They Coulda Been a Contender
Hurt – Could have been tightened up into a much better movie given the quality of the cast.
The Cellar Door – Potentially interesting, if trite, concept sunk by rampant stupidity of the characters and some poor directorial choices.
Live! From Death Row – I wanted to like this one for the cast and idea, but it just came off as cheap and cheesy. If it had been done seriously as a 100% live news feed from the prison, they might have achieved something like the great Special Bulletin. They did not.
I am Omega – Sure, a rip-off but from great source material. Sadly it was a rip-off in title only and was doomed by some deadly performances.
Behind Your Eyes – Strange sensation in that I remember the movie, and yet I don’t remember it. I re-read the post, I the remember scenes, but nothing resonates with me. That can’t be a good sign.
The Wind – The last movie in both Collections have evoked mixed emotions in me and were probably rewarded with a artificially high rating. This one also had the bad fortune of following several good movies. It wasn’t a good movie, but I can remember liking a few images, so it gets a break.
Lifetime Theater – Having never actually seen a Lifetime movie, I will just say that there was potential in most of these had they not muted all the elements that would have made them stand out. It’s not even a matter of violence or gore — more energetic direction, an effective score . . . they might have had a decent TV movie. They can’t all be Duel, but some could have been watchable.
Bay Coven – Lifetime version of Rosemary’s Baby.
Adrift – Lifetime version of Dead Calm. But not bad.
Nightmare at Bitter Creek – Lifetime version of The Descent (but above ground).
No One Could Protect Her – An amalgam of every Lifetime woman-in-danger stalker movie ever made. Right down to the title.
Not Ready for Prime Time
Bleeding Rose – Possibly the most amateurish film in the collection. Poor acting from most of the performers, and almost completely lacking in likable characters.
Ominous – In the first scene, the realtor calls the house a “piece of shit.” I can’t quite go that far in describing the film, but it is pretty much a nothing. When your best shot is a down-blouse of the female lead cleaning the floor, that is not a good sign.
The Cry – A stunning lack non-performance from the talented (based on other projects) lead actor and some awful camera-work ruin any chance this film could have had.
Ray Bradbury Theater – Downwind from Gettysburg (10/17/92)
We open with a small crew assembling the face and hair to a robot that is revealed to be a likeness of Abraham Lincoln. This is quite an astounding feat of technology — no wait, it isn’t. Disney had debuted their anamatronic Lincoln 30 years earlier at the 1964 World’s Fair.
The short story was first published in Playboy in 1969, so this was old technology even by that time. Frankly, Playboy would have been better advised devoting their robot stories to someone like Anita from Humans or Ava from Ex Machina. Or Valerie 23.
Sitting in a huge chair similar to the uncomfortable one in the Lincoln Memorial, Lincoln begins reciting the Gettysburg address. Disney’s earlier model could even stand up, but this marvel of technology just sits there like an animatronic FDR. Apparently this is to be a huge media 
event in an auditorium, and covered live by the network; or at least the Weekly Shopper.
Chief Engineer Bayes has wisely embargoed any view of Abe. In reality, this ought to be about as ground-breaking as someone unveiling the creation of Windows 95 today.
Bayes tells his assistant Phipps that his great-grandfather was actually on the battlefield to hear the speech. Phipps says, “He must have been a young boy.” Bayes confirms that the boy was 9 years old. OK, Bayes is 52, and the speech was given 129 years ago. That means the average age at which the women in this family gave birth was about 28. I was hoping for some embarrassing mathematical anomaly. I guess 28 is slightly high for the times, but not crazy. But I digress.
While the crowd is being seated for this extravaganza, a man rushes in the entrance, asks where the restroom is and heads straight for the head. He changes into 19th century clothing and affixes a fake mustache, wisely, beneath his nose.
As the lights come up, Robo-Lincoln begins reciting the Gettysburg Address. In the wings, the mustached man loads a Derringer. In a repeat of history — as any public school graduate can tell you — Lincoln is once again assassinated during the Gettysburg Address. He must have had a critical circuit hit as he slumps over and his words whir to a stop.
This time the assassin does not make a dramatic getaway. Phipps and the security team hustle him back into the empty auditorium as Lincoln lies slumped to the side of his chair, oil dripping from his mouth. The shooter says his name is Norman Llewellyn Booth, 
although the invitation does not say Booth. Phipps brings in Booth’s forged invitation, saying that is how he got in. Well, no, actually he got in be claiming he needed to go to the bathroom, but that wouldn’t look good in the history books.
Why did he do it? We are given several options: 1) Booth wants the fame that will come from being arrested, 2) the permanence and perfection of machines which he can never achieve infuriates him, and 3) Booth / Lincoln . . . it was just destiny, too good to pass up. He envisions the news scrolling across Times Square: “Booth Shoots Lincoln . . . again!” or 20 years later, being posted to Salon.com: “Tea Partier shoots Robot-American.”
When the police arrive, Bayes refuses to allow Booth the notoriety he craves — he will not press charges. He tells Booth, “This assassination never happened. You can tell your 
story, but we will deny it — you were never here. No shot, no gun, no computer data processor assassination, no mob.” Well, except for the shot, the gun and the assassination witnessed by the mob in the audience.
Bayes is quite happy at denying Booth his fame and infamy. He grabs Booth by his snazzy vest and tells him that he ever dares tell anyone what occurred that night (presumably other than the audience, crew, security team and coupon clippers), he will do something to Booth “so terrible that he will wish he had never been born.” Bayes throws him out a side exit where no one is waiting for him.
The anachronism of the robot sinks the entire production. No one would care about this event — the robot or the shooting. Also, the make-up is abysmal, sometimes looking like leftover scraps from Planet of the Apes. The beard — completely wrong.
Sadly some good points are lost among the carnage. Howard Hesseman (Bayes) and Robert Joy (Booth) are both excellent. This is probably one of the earliest shows to show fame-seeking as a motive. The idea of throwing him out to an empty street is great, but the speech leading up to it was horribly cliched.
If Bayes wanted to make an effective threat, he should have threatened to break his leg, just as John Wilkes Booth had done.
Rating: Stay upwind from Downwind from Gettysburg.
Post-Post:
- Robert Joy (Booth) played another feckless assassin in the excellent but largely forgotten historical movie Ragtime. Harry Thaw was famous only for shooting Stanford White. White was famous for being shot by Harry Thaw. OK, both had other accomplishments, but nobody cares now, and that’s not going to change as more time passes.
- Sady, no references to Hot Rod Lincoln.