We start out in the office of the titular doubtful doctor.  Being the first to appear and with his prominence in the title, you might think this episode is about him.  Strangely, he is a very minor character and doesn’t even get a name; but you, for goddamn sure, better call him “Doctor“.

Ralph Jones has come to see a psychiatrist.  Jones flashes back to a strange experience he had recently.  He came home after a lousy day at work.  He immediately began sniping at his wife Lucille.  Their baby had swallowed a button that morning and she did not call to tell him everything was OK.  Of course, he didn’t pick up a phone and call either.

Also her brother needed $200 to close the “uptown option” and Ralph had just given him $300 to close the “downtown option”.  By “option” I think he meant prostitute, but I might be having my own flashback.

Also, their rent is going up, Lucille wants another button-muncher (another baby, not another lover), and on top of everything else, the f***ing Hornsbys are coming over for dinner!  He says, “Things seem to be closing in all of a sudden,” and pours himself a drink.  Lucille asks, “Must you drink before you shower?”  The real question is “Why not drink in the shower?”  What a time saver!  I thought shaving in the shower was good, but this is better.  He admits to Lucille that he misses his bachelor days, which goes over about as well as you would expect.

He says he doesn’t remember exactly when “it” happened.  He left the apartment, and got in the elevator.  Then he woke up in his old bachelor apartment.  He was surprised to see snow in July, but maybe Al Gore was coming to lecture.  He found his old clothes in the closet, and a calendar from 2 years ago.  His surly landlord knocked on the door and demanded the two months overdue rent.  The landlord is portrayed with the anger and humorless rage of a man owed three months back rent.  Seriously, this guy is like Pauly Walnuts.

Ralph decided to go talk about this with his then-fiancee Lucille at her old job at the Eagle Soap Company.  He told Lucille that he knew in one hour, her boss would sign as a new account for Ralph and they would go to lunch.  Strangely, her boss is out of town.  Did he get the date wrong, or is the past changing?  Then Lucille doesn’t like salmon, but she had ordered it on their first date.  Even more strange, she does go to lunch with this nut.

They went their separate ways after lunch.  Ralph took a walk down to the construction site which would be his apartment someday.  Lucille went back to the Eagle Soap Factory where it was her turn to test out various bath oils and creams as men with clipboards watched through a two-way mirror [footage missing].

Ralph sat down at the construction site, not sure where to go.  He bought some baseball cards off a kid who, surprisingly, was not him.  Then drowned himself.  Yada yada, Ralph goes back to the future.  And somehow has the wet baseball cards with him.

This was more like a Twilight Zone episode.  It was more like a Twilight Zone episode than some of the 1980s Twilight Zones I’ve posted about here.  Even before you get to the paranormal twist ^[1], that construction site is about as post-apocalyptic as you see on 1950s TV (there is a little trash and some 4X4s lying not quite parallel).  The score also is pretty eerie at this point.

There were similar twists in several TZ episodes.  For example, just 5 days before this aired, TZ ran King Nine Will Not Return — a dude inexplicably goes back in time, and returns with tangible evidence of his experience.  Pretty close.

Dick York is great in his niche, unfortunately I don’t think this was it.  He was Ludacris as a gangster in Vicious Circle.  However, he rebounded as smiling psychopaths in The Dusty Drawer and The Blessington Method.  There was not much room for his humorous side in this episode.  He came off as crazy and angry — a pencil-necked Brian Keith.  Even this is OK when he is in a comic situation, but there is no Endora or Dr. Bombay here to play off of.  Could have been worse; could have been Dick Sargent.

Not a bad episode, but York was a little grating and the supernatural element just seemed out of place.

Other Stuff:

• [1] Hey, that should have been the B-Side to The Monster Mash.

Director Alfred Hitchcock gets things off to a frightful start as we get a close-up on the face of some uncredited sap in the dentist chair.  There are instruments and swabs stuffed in her mouth, and the whir of the old-fashioned drill is spine-tingling.  The real revulsion, however, comes in realizing this isn’t a real dentist.  This is just a jerk actor cramming his mitts into some poor struggling actress’ mouth.  My God, those fingers could have been anywhere!

Dr. Bixby’s wife comes to the office with his lunch and bad news.  The bad news is that she brought leftover salmon, the fishiest of fishes and avoided by four out of five dentists at lunch.  Also the washing machine needs fixing, and they have just gotten a bill from the IRS.  Despite being a doctor, they always seem to be in debt.

He also isn’t happy that his wife is going again on an overnight trip to visit her aunt.  She tells him he can live without her for 2 days each month.  She says if she were home, he would probably just go bowling anyway.  She gets off the train and is chauffeured to the stately home of the titular Colonel with whom she shares a long kiss.

Hmmm . . . this is starting to make sense now.  Mrs. Bixby is played by Audrey Meadows from The Honeymooners.  Clearly this episode is an hallucination of Alice Kramden.  Alice is in the dentist’s chair, knocked out by Nitrous Oxide or perhaps her dentist had leftover salmon for lunch.  She dreams of being married to her dentist, rather than a fat, surly bus driver.  She is so immersed in this fantasy that “Alice” no longer exists.  She has no first name credited, she is just Mrs. Bixby. Yet, there are still inescapable traces of her dull life and abusive husband as the dentist has money problems and ignores her for bowling.

Seeking to further remove herself from her miserable reality, she fantasizes that she is also desired by a second man.  The titular Colonel has a spacious horse farm and is retired from a successful military career.  Once again, however, years of insults and verbal threats of violence have so deflated Mrs. Bixby’s self-esteem that she cannot fully escape her husband’s grasp.  This second fantasy man, like her brutish husband, wears a uniform; just not one with a bus on the back.  He is also investing in a string of polo ponies which she recalls once inexplicably set her husband off in a rage.  However, she is in love with the Colonel and he gives her expensive gifts.

As she waking up from the dentist’s sedation, her fantasy world begins to unravel.  The Colonel ends their relationship.  She discovers Dr. Bixby is drilling his hygienist, and not in the mouth.  Well, not only in the mouth.  Alice returns to the cold reality of a Bensonhurst dental office warmed only by the puzzling realization that her fantasy-lover’s name of Bixby was so close to that of her best friend Trixie.

Another excellent episode.

Other Stuff:

• For info on the real plot and production, check out bare*bones ezine.

Handsome young stud Ray Marchand pulls up to the Bait and Tackle store in a car the size of the Nimitz.  The Bait must be of the Jail variety — out comes blonde Lolita, Nyla Foster.  Wait, unfortunately, this Lolita is 30 years old.  I mean, it’s fortunate that she isn’t 12 as in the novel, but 30 is simply too old for this role.  This might have doomed the episode in any other series because it was on my mind every second she was on the screen.  AHP’s usual excellence prevailed, though, and it was a good ride. [this is explained later]

Nyla immediately recognizes the car as belonging to Mrs. Marchand, but mistakes Ray for being her son rather than her husband.  This does not stop Ray from relentlessly flirting with her in the way that only guys with a full head of hair can get away with without getting maced.  We learn that Mrs. Marchand is loaded and Ray married her for the money.

Before Ray makes much progress, a small fishing boat motors up.  Nyla’s father and Mrs. Marchand climb onto the dock.

Wow, he wasn’t kidding — she is rich; like MacKenzie Bezos rich.  She must be.  Why else would he be with her?  I don’t think even Oprah rich would have been enough.  Not only is she 27 years older than him, she is dumpy with a porcine face.  She is even 15 years older than Nyla’s father.

This is not helped when she says to Ray, “Give momma a kiss.”  When he is reluctant, she knows that he has been flirting with Nyla.  They clearly have an “understanding”.  Mrs. Marchand knows Ray cheats on her, and he stays with her for the money.  I must say, though, this relationship is still less creepy than the one William Shatner had with his mother in Mother, May I Go Out to Swim?.

The next day, Ray goes to the lakefront cafe which, like all great cafes, seems to be in the Bait Shop.  He ogles Nyla’s behind from behind as she unpacks some bottles, which is how Fatty Arbuckle’s troubles began.  He wants to take her out on the lake, but she says her father would never allow her to go out alone with a man.  Again, coming from a 30 year old woman, this just feels off.  She does tell him that her father goes into town for supplies every Monday (hint, hint).

They go down the the lakeshore and start smooching, but Nyla gets the willies — the dry kind — and bolts.  A week later, Ray finally tracks her down at one of the only two spots she ever goes to.  She is tanning at the same secluded shore.  It is disappointing to see that she  smokes; and wears a top.  Ray asks why she has been avoiding him.  She says, “I told you last week, I can’t see you anymore.”  She says it with such a deep voice, though, that I again questioned the casting; or it might have been the smoking.

Nyla will not go all the way without a ring on her finger.  However, Ray can’t divorce Gladys without her cutting off his cash.  Hmmmm, how would AHP solve such a problem?  Especially since Gladys has been spending a lot of time on the lake and can’t swim despite being her own personal flotation device.  Seems like there must be some solution.  I wonder . . .

Gladys always goes on her fishing trips with Nyla’s father, though.  Ray suggests, for a change, he will take Gladys out on the lake.  Gladys is happy for his change of heart to accompany her in the boat, just the two of them.  Although, she should have been suspicious when his fingers smelled fishy before the trip.

The denouement is so great that I had to use a french word to describe it.

Mea Culpa: I first watched the episode on dailymotion, which has some problems.  The speed is often too slow and must be cranked to 1.25X.  An additional problem there is that the aspect ratio is wrong, so the picture was widened.  This added about 20 pounds to Nyla, making her look much older; although not so much of an issue when she stood in profile (heyyooo!).  The DVD (source of the pictures) solved part of the age issue.  But still, they had a 30 year old actress playing a college student.  If filmed today, she would be playing the mother.

That said, the lovely Anne Francis was great, as she always is.  Gladys was, appropriately, hammy.  Director Norman Lloyd displayed some uncharacteristically showy camerwork, to great effect.  The outdoor locations and Robert Horton as the smarmy Ray also added to this being a great episode.

Other Stuff:

• AHP Deathwatch: All cast members have passed away.  Maybe if they had gotten a younger actress to play Nyla . . .
• Director Norman Lloyd — the most talented guy in Hollywood that no one ever heard of — still with us at 104 years old.  Has anyone knocked on his door lately?
• Title Analysis:  Unexceptional fishing reference for most of the episode, then zowie!
• This was Robert Horton’s 7th AHP Appearance.  Anne Francis was seen in Jesse-Belle and the original version of The After Hours.
• Love these 28-day months!

Bill Davis (Burt Reynolds) and his father Andy are rolling through the middle of nowhere in an old truck with Max Bell Oil Co. on the side.  Around the spot where the 10,000th condo has now blighted the area, they come to a stop with the engine overheating.

While they wait for the truck to cool down, they drink from a couple of giant bags of mostly water.  This does not cool down Bill, who is belly-aching constantly but maybe the water keeps his father from committing filicide.  Bill complains about the heat, the crummy truck, and his father not even painting over the previous owner’s logo.  He also admits he has a new job beginning Monday.

Andy says, “Looks like dust back there on the road” which is not exactly a revelation on a dirt road.  A car appears through the dust and runs off the road where their truck stopped.   34 year old Harry Dean Stanton jumps out appearing pretty much like he would 19 years later in Alien — looking 53 years old.  Other similarities to future HDS: sweaty, wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a dopey hat, submissive to another man, and dumb as a rock.  His fast-talking partner Murray Hamilton (Marsh) is wearing a black suit & tie in the blazing desert, and still is the brains of the gang.

The Davises generously offer them some water while Bill checks out their car.  He sees two problems — the driveshaft is broken and there is a woman tied up in the backseat.  Andy recognizes her as Stephanie Thomas, a kidnap victim he heard about.  Now Marsh pulls out his pistol.  Andy asks why they don’t just take the $100,000 ransom and leave the girl.  They got the ransom and kept the girl?  Well, these kidnappers are just bad eggs.

As Stephanie begs for water, Lemon teases her with the bag.  Bill is disgusted by his cruelty and lunges for him.  That is when Marsh reveals that he and Lemon have only three bullets between them.  So maybe this gang has no brains.

Marsh tells Lemon to get the $100,000 out of the car and put it in the truck.  Lemon suggests they take the truck and trade it in for a car.  Yeah, you have $850k in 2018 dollars — take a stolen truck you don’t have the title to and try to trade it in.  It’s 1960, just go buy a new Thunderbird for $4k, dumbass!

The truck has cooled down enough to drive, so Marsh and Lemon (is it a joke that they both have such moist names?) take it, leaving Andy, Bill and Stephanie to die in the desert.  Andy says he lied to them, it is only 25 miles back to town.  The two guys suddenly become McGyvers as they drink the water from the radiator ^[3], convert a spare tire inner-tube into a water-bag, and create a signal fire by using gas from the tank to set the backseat cushions on fire.  Unlike the previous dumbbells would have done, I suspect, they remove the cushions from the car first.

The dilapidated truck is soon found by the cops.  This thing makes the truck in Duel look like the Snowman’s Kenworth.  Stephanie is taken to the hospital and the Davis boys pursue the gangstas with the cops.  Happily, they find the kidnappers have died — Lemon by a gunshot, and Marsh somehow died of thirst in about an hour.  Thus the state of California has saved millions of dollars, and Stephanie’s family will get back, ummmm — let’s take a look at these cops — about $60,000.

There is a twist and, in a completely arbitrary editorial choice, I will not spoil it. Maybe because I didn’t see it coming.  But it is refreshing.

Burt Reynolds, in his 3rd year of TV, did not seem like an inevitable movie star yet, but was perfectly fine.  James Bell had an easier role as his father and sold it well, seeming oddly familiar to me as a calm dad dealing with his hothead son.  Harry Dean Stanton was born 80 years old and mumbling.  I don’t think he was a good actor; we just needed a Harry Dean Stanton and he filled in for 60 years.  I like Murray Hamilton more every time I see him.  Before started this project, I only knew him as the mayor in Jaws, but he is always fun.

So a fine story, interesting complete lack of indoor sets, real locations, good performances and a fun twist.  It is easy to take AHP for granted, but one day it will be gone.  And if the Season 6 box set doesn’t get a lot cheaper, it will be soon. ^[2]

Footnotes:

• Venetia Stevenson (Stephanie) went on to be a script reader for Burt Reynolds’ production company, presumably guiding him to such triumphs as Navajo Joe and Operation CIA. ^[1]  She was also Axl Rose’s mother-in-law.  Wait, what?
• AHP Deathwatch:  Burt Reynolds died last year.  Veneta Stevenson, 22 in this episode, is still with us.
• [1] That’s a cheap shot as those were among his first films.  Later, though, he did have a Chevy Chasian instinct for choosing the wrong movie nearly every time.
• [2] What the hell?  Season 6 is twice the cost of the earlier seasons.  Season 7 is not even available in the US.  The Alfred Hitchcock Hour seems similarly inaccessible.  Clearly Hollywood is tired of people asking why TV can’t be this good again and are disappearing AHP from existence.
• [3] Do not try this at home; it may kill or blind you.  Plus, you have a sink right there!

So the train pulls into the station.  For some reason Henry Taylor is hanging his head out of the stairway like a dog in a car.  Why would he be doing that?  He doesn’t jump off before the train comes to a complete stop, so he isn’t in a hurry.  No one is chasing him.  He risks losing his fabulous fedora (and maybe his head as in Hereditary).  So why?

He asks the world’s oldest station master if any other strange men have come through lately; men who strangely hang their heads out of trains, I guess.   He slips the porter $20 and tells the old man to call him at the Grand Hotel if any strange guys show up at the train station — a bribe known in the train business as a “Kevin Spacey.”

Henry walks to the Kirkland Mercantile Bank, and we see that he has a gun.  He asks to see the bank president, William Spengler.  Henry pulls out a Letter of Credit and says he would like to deposit it, so I don’t think either of these guys knows what a Letter of Credit is.  He is in town researching a book on unsolved crimes.

Arnold Mathias was just killed while escaping from prison with his cellie Thomas Henry.  Mathias had worked at the bank 3 years ago.  He was hired by Spengler’s father-in-law, founder of the bank, over Spengler’s objections about his juvenile record (oddly, as a token gringo in Menudo).  After the old man’s stroke prompted his retirement, Spengler kept Mathias on because he had been a good employee.

Then in 1957, a construction company transferred $500,000 to the bank from their St. Louis branch to cover payroll on the flood control dam at the basin (kudos on the attention to detail here).  Holy crap, that’s a lot of cash for the local economy — $4.5M in 2018 dollars!  Well maybe not if you are Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  How many f***ing guys are working on this thing?  Are they being paid in cash?  Are they using $1,000 bills to plug the leaks?  Is the mayor building a new house with a basketball court and swimming pool?  Did he buy a Maserati?  Did he join Scientology?  Did his wife go missing?

A few months later, Spengler got a call that his wife had suffered a heart attack.  He went to his car to go home, but it wouldn’t start.  He went back inside and said to Mathias, “I can’t get my car started, can you give me a push?” The next morning, it was discovered that the construction company’s remaining $200,000 was missing.  Despite being defended by the best attorney in the state, Mathias was convicted of the theft.  Henry reminds Spengler that the loot was never recovered.

What follows is Henry dismantling Spengler’s story with Columbo-like precision.  Both men give excellent performances, but much credit goes to the person who cast them.

“Henry Taylor” led Spengler to believe he was Mathis’s cellmate, escaped convict Thomas Henry.  After Spengler confesses, he reveals that he is really a prison guard named Henry Taylor Louden.  I get that he cleverly used the name Henry to plant the seed that he was Thomas Henry, but isn’t it just silly that Henry is his real name too?

Really, there was no name on the Letter of Credit?  Spengler’s father-in-law is right — he is a boob.  Is this like those bearer bonds at Nakatomi Plaza that somehow could never be traced or voided?

What was the point of the model sailboat in Spengler’s office?  Louden seems to know that Spengler had never removed the cash from the bank.  I guess Spengler could have bought it as a reminder of his retirement the way I keep cans of cat food and a refrigerator carton.

Louden reveals that he is the prison guard who shot Mathias.  I don’t know if that is a great motive for his quest to establish Mathias’s innocence.  What he is effectively doing is making sure he shot an innocent man.  Most people would want to prove they shot someone who deserved it.

Louden does a fine job of nailing Spengler, but he is a prison guard, not a cop.  Will the police believe him?  Wouldn’t this all be dismissed as hearsay ^[1] in court?

It was established earlier that one of the best defense attorneys in the state is a life-long friend of Spengler.  He’ll never go to prison unless he tries to steal back his Heisman Trophy.

Despite all that belly-aching, it was a good episode.

Footnotes:

• [1] Who approved this word for release?  I get that it literally describes the basic act of you say something and I hear it.  But it is in the wrong order. I can’t hear it before you say it.  And WTF asked you anyway?
• AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.