Tales from the Crypt – About Face (06/28/96)

Posted on August 5, 2020 by don

I must be getting old. I really don’t like shows that start off with a lot of yelling. However, because every episode of TFTC begins with the grating, odious Cryptkeeper, the first proper scene is always going to be an improvement. In this case, a screaming woman giving birth in the first scene is welcome to everyone except maybe the priest who knocked her up. They are on thin ice, though, when the midwife looks at the baby and joins in the caterwauling. Luckily, the scene quickly cuts to a lovely young woman getting out of a carriage “sixteen years later.”

Reverend Jonathan is discussing his new book with his agent. His wife Sarah tells him a young woman claiming to be his daughter is here to see him. Young Angelica says she and her twin sister were told by their adopted mother that Jonathan was their father. Their mother Emma had worked for him as a maid before being a good sport and dying in childbirth.

Angelica steps outside and Sarah blasts her husband about his sexual indiscretions. She threatens to go public and ruin him, but he reminds her that she would lose everything too. So, in a sociopathic exchange for wealth and power, she agrees to ignore his decades of adultery with secretaries and interns, credible accusations of sexual assault, and visits to Epstein Island.

Jonathan’s first inclination is to send the girl away. Before Sarah can arrange transport to Fort Marcy Park, however, he changes his mind. He calls Angelica back into the room and tells her that he wants her and her sister to move into his house. He feels that having a family will be good for his image, will increase his book sales, and maybe Angelica will have friends over for a pajama party.

Angelica moves in, but Jonathan still has not met her twin sister Leah. She says Leah has locked herself in the bathroom because she feels that Jonathan abandoned them. That night, Angelica enters the gas-lit room where Sarah is practicing her scowling for the next day. As she comes closer, Sarah can see it is Leah. Her face is disfigured, her hair is a fright, and that dress! Sarah recalls that Jesus visited the home of Simon the Leper, but also that he used his sandal to lift the toilet seat. She gasps, “What in God’s name!” Leah shouts, “Silence, blasphemer!”

Leah accuses Sarah of finding her “hideous, foul, ugly, horrid.” Leah tells her to judge not, lest she be judged, and asks when she last lay with her husband. Then she raises some beads in the air and curses Jonathan for visiting harlots and abandoning his kids and watching Fox News. Sarah decides it is a good time take a few days off. Jonathan approaches Angelica about the encounter, but a few words from the cute sister make everything OK.

Later Jonathan is dictating his latest book to yet another secretary. After a few sentences, they begin having the sex and Leah hears them. When Leah later catches the secretary alone, she slits her throat. This is exceptionally well-done and a much bigger shock than the twist that is to come.

Sarah returns from her trip. She screams in horror because Jonathan’s new secretary is a good 20 years younger than her; and also sprawled bloody on the floor. Jonathan walks in and accuses Sarah of killing the secretary. Sarah says, “Your little hell-spawn did this!” For some reason that eludes me, Jonathan then strangles Sarah to death. Again, this is well-done with the neck-wrenching signified by the delightful sound of a bunch of celery stalks being broken. Kudos!

SPOILER

Blah, blah. After yelling at Jonathan, Leah attacks him. Jonathan pulls a huge crucifix off the wall, and it is finally useful for once as he kills Leah with it. As she rolls over, we see that she and Angelica are conjoined twins with each having a face pointing in opposite directions.

As I said, the kills in this episode are really better than the reveal. This is in spite of the fact that the director made no effort to play fair. The logistics just make no sense in most scenes, but I don’t really care. Despite exhibiting the leaden tone and complete lack of TFTC-ness that this season has often shown, I kind of liked it.

Science Fiction Theatre – Brain Unlimited (09/14/56)

Posted on July 26, 2020 by don

Scientist Jeff Conover is placed in a vacuum chamber to simulate the conditions 10 miles above the earth, except he is more comfortable than a Delta passenger. An experimental drug enables his cells to store oxygen, so he can survive without breathing, which would be good on some of those summer flights.

Jeff is the crème dela crème of test pilots. In fact, he is the whipped crème dela crème, as he has to ask his wife’s permission that night to perform the experiment in an airplane the next day. Lucky for the world of science, she says OK.

Jeff takes an airplane up to 50,000 feet and exits via the ejector seat. I assume there was another guy in the plane, but that still seems like a strange way to disembark. Unfortunately, the experiment is a failure as Jeff blacks out almost immediately and parachutes to the ground. After the doctors leave, he confides to his wife that his whole life flashed before his eyes in the seconds before he lost consciousness. He takes this to mean the human brain can outperform any machine created.

The next day, Jeff plays his boss a tape of him giving a lecture at 20X the normal speed. He says that by using the experimental drug, people could understand that high pitched whine and retain it. Why, this breakthrough could allow college students to becoming f***ing idiots in days rather than years!

In the next 2 weeks, he interviews people who have had similar rapid replays of their lives in dangerous situations. Wait, didn’t the drug cause that? While Henry Mason was caught in a cave-in, he recalled a dance he once took his wife to. He estimates it took 3 – 4 seconds to relive the 4 hours they were at the dance, which is the opposite of how time passes for me at a party.

A little blind girl named Alice is able to give the day of week for any day in history. Jeff quizzes her on 06/23/1412 and 07/04/2113. He says she gives the correct answers, although, a fact-check shows that she actually got both answers wrong. C’mon, no one could check an almanac? Alice says she got this skill — the sociopathic ability to lie, I guess — after the skeet-surfing accident that blinded her last year.

He asks old Mr. Stevenson the square root of 317. He says 17.0448. Oh, so close! It is 17.8044. Maybe the elderly actor just screwed up. Stevenson is played by Burt Mustin who somehow played 100 year old men for 25 years on TV. He is best known as Gus the Fireman from Leave it to Beaver. He sat in a chair outside the fire station every day despite having reached the retirement age for city workers 75 years earlier. However, he totally boots the cube of 4,209 — he gives the answer as 1,309,516,011, the rube! He is next given a list of phone numbers to sum in his head. The producers wisely hide the numbers from us, but it is safe to say his answer was wrong.

Finally the scientists refine a serum that speeds up mice in a maze to 10X their normal speed. Stop, I know where this is going! Don’t give it to the janitor! They have less success increasing a dog’s hyperactivity, but probably should not have started with a Jack Russell Terrier. With time running out (in their research, not — God help me — the episode), they decide to test the serum on a human.

Of course, Jeff decides he will be the first test subject. He orders his assistant to inject him with 5 cc’s of Solution 012. They had previously identified the drug as Solution 31d, so I don’t know WTF he’s taking. He is injected, and his senses are accelerated 100X. He sees his lab assistants moving very slowly, although they are able to converse normally. Soon he burns out while Good Will Hunting his way through complex math problems.

He has proven his point. For this astounding breakthrough that will change humanity and send the stock value into the stratosphere, Jeff is given 2 weeks vacation. Big Pharma, man!

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Changing Heart (01/03/61)

Posted on July 18, 2020 by don

Dane Ross enters Klemm’s watch shop and is taken aback by the overwhelming sound of ticks and tocks and clicks and clacks of a hundred clocks stacked chockablock like knick-knacks and bric-a-brac on the shelves. He should be wary of this place as it would be impossible to work here without going insane.

Ulrich Klemm comes out and greets Ross. He hands Klemm a watch that can’t count steps, can’t check heart-rates, can’t display texts, and can’t give GPS directions. The bloody thing just tells time. Klemm is none-the-less impressed at the time-piece. He has not seen one since he left the old country, but thinks he can fix it.

Ross admires the clocks in the shop. Klemm says he brought them from the old country. Sadly, he was not able to bring his famous automatons — clockwork figures. On the hour, the figures — birds, angels, policemen, construction workers, Indian chiefs, bikers — would appear and give little performances.

With admirable precision, all the clocks in the shop strike 6:00 in unison. Klemm’s beautiful grand-daughter Lisa comes through the door, which is pretty clever when you think back on it. She asks Ross to stay for dinner. He accepts under the pretense that he wants to see more of Klemm’s work (i.e. any other hot grand-daughters).

In the rear, Klemm displays figures which play the piano, shine shoes, and some mechanical birds in a cage. Lisa says these are just simple versions of the work he did for kings in the old country and queens in the village.^[1] Ooops, she cuts her finger preparing dinner and Klemm bandages it.

After dinner, Lisa walks Ross to the door, and he asks her out. She says she can’t because her grand-father is so protective. However, the next time we see them, they are at a German restaurant where, it is safe to say, they are not there for the food. Ross has been promoted and asks Lisa to move with him to Seattle, which was part of the USA at the time. But she won’t leave her grandfather.

They go back to the shop. Ross tells Klemm that he is taking Lisa to Seattle whether he likes it or not. Klemm seems to hypnotize Lisa so that she agrees that she cannot go and will never leave Klemm. Staring blankly at him she says, “I will never leave you.” Klemm tells her to go to her room. She complies without any acknowledgment of Ross as she exits.

Ross accuses Klemm of turning his grand-daughter into an automaton. Klemm says he is protecting the one thing he loves. “The one thing I rescued from my old life and brought to this new world. She’s my masterpiece and no one will take her from me!” Klemm pulls out a knife. Fearful that he is going to be served more German cuisine, Ross leaves.

Three months later, Ross is living in Seattle. He sends his friend Jack to the clock store. Klemm says the watch will be ready Tuesday.

No wait, Jack wants to know why Ross’s letters to Lisa have not been answered. Klemm says Lisa is sick and Ross made her that way. He scoffs at the Amerikanische Doktors and the heartpills they give her. He insists, “I will not let her die!”

Alarmed by Jack’s report and the newly proposed $.05 postage rate, Ross returns to Klemm’s shop, to find it boarded up. He busts in and finds Klemm slumped dead at his desk just like I expect to go. He has left a note that says he was willing to give his life for Lisa to live. Ross goes into the back room and finds Lisa sitting in a wheelchair. Ross is thrilled to see her there, eyes wide open. But she is lifeless as a mannequin. He hears a ticking and puts his ear to her chest. There he clearly hears the clockwork ticking in her chest.

First off, let me be clear that this was a great episode and the final shot was awesome. That said, I do feel like the writer ^[2]came close to cheating with some of the dialogue and stage direction in the first half as to whether Lisa was an automaton from the start. But the proof that Lisa was not an automaton is pretty clear. If Klemm could make a device that looked like the 22 year old Lisa, would he have made her his grand-daughter?

Also, I’m not clear how Klemm saved Lisa. Yes, she has a ticking heart, but she is glass-eyed, silent, and perfectly still. This is life? At the top of the hour does she do a table dance?

Other Stuff:

[1] The dictionary labels this merely informal, so I’m keeping it in
[2] Robert Bloch, so who am I question him?
AHP Deathwatch: Anne and Ross are still with us. Jack passed away in January.
Oddly, Bloch’s previous script for AHP also involved a clock.
Nice bit of trivia from bare*bones: Anne Helm went on to be in an Elvis movie, and moved in with him after filming ended. It’s good to be the king.

One Step Beyond – The Dead Part of the House (03/17/59)

Posted on July 5, 2020 by don

Trigger Warning: There be Asian stereotypes here. ^[1]

Minna Boswell, described as attractive and a bit earthbound, calls out to her Chinese servant Song to see if he remembered the milk. From off-screen, he replies, “Yes, Miss. Plenty milk for young person in refligerator.” I’ll be the first to agree that English uses entirely too many prepositions, but he really punches that middle L while being cool with the other three Rs.

Song is set up as a Magical Asian, and described as not so earthbound because he was born in Peking “where people have been around long enough not to disbelieve merely because they don’t understand.” However, this story takes place in America just outside stodgy old 1959 San Francisco which, in the next 10 years, will surely never fall for far-out concepts like spirits, karma, auras, and free speech.

Minna has purchased the house for her brother Paul and his daughter Ann to live in after the death of his wife. Alfred Hitchcock Presents has more brothers and sisters shacking up than Pornhub. Paul and Ann arrive by cab. Minna introduces Song by saying he was with the previous owners. So he came with the house?

While Paul and Minna discuss the size of the house and what a good deal she got on it, Ann is distracted. She slowly walks to the stairs accompanied by some genuinely creepy music. Song sees her on the stairs, and she asks him who is up there. He says, “No one. Empty looms.” She says they are not empty. Minna calls Ann back into the living room and we learn what a hot-head jerk Paul is when she is too slow answering.

Minna presents Ann with three dolls. Then she and Paul hit the scotch. Ann pours herself some lemonade but accidentally knocks over a picture of her dead mother. Paul goes nutz and accuses her of doing it on purpose. What? There has been zero indication that Ann didn’t love her mother. He shakes Ann very roughly and says, “She hates her! She hates her!” Minna pulls Ann away. Paul says to his dead wife’s picture, “Why did it have to be you?” Considering the asshole she was stuck with, she could say, “Just lucky, I guess.”

Later, Minna tells Ann she needs to be patient with her father who, after all, just lost his wife. Of course she is an 11 year old who lost her mother and a delicious glass of lemonade, so she is the rock in that family. Ann says she knows her father wishes she had died in the accident instead of her mother.

Ann asks for a tour of the upstairs which is not being used. Song is giving her and Minna a tour when she hears her name called from one of the bedrooms. Song says it was a nursery. Ann insists that it be her bedroom.

A few oddball things happen, which Ann attributes to Jennifer, Rose and Mary. The episode makes a huge blunder by having Ann point to the dolls as being Jennifer, Rose and Mary. It would have been much more effective, just having the audience assume that, because the force behind the weird events is actually three ghosts living in the room. They are nice ghosts, though, encouraging Ann to be nice to her father so he will stop being such a dick.

Ann actually is very lucky because the ghosts in the house next door are Lewis, Jeffrey, and Ghislaine. Although Ghislaine’s ghost won’t show up until her suicide next week. ^[2]

Of course, the magical Song cracks the case. He tells Paul that Ann just pretended Jennifer, Rose and Mary were the dolls to wrap her head around the fact she was living with dead people. “Nursery occupied by something other than dolls,” he explains. In the 1920’s, three girls died from a gas leak in that room. They too had a nasty father, so they are guiding Ann to soften Paul up.

Well, it’s a happy ending as Paul, Ann and Minna move back to Denver. I guess they will just foist the house on some sucker who doesn’t realize it comes with three mystical entities, not understood by Americans, and bound to the house forever. Four if you count Song.

Sure, the episode could be nitpicked to death, but who has the energy? OK, Paul’s anger at his daughter was inexplicable and pre-dated his wife’s death. Is he really capable of redemption? What was the point of Minna being divorced? Couldn’t she have just been single? Which was the bigger shame for a 31 year old woman in 1959?

On the other hand, the series continues to surprise with its direction. There are a couple of truly chilling scenes here. The score is appropriately eerie. And, thank God, John Newland is finally learning to direct children. Unlike the screeching kids in Premonition and Epilogue, Ann’s performance is entirely tolerable. Quite good, actually. The one time she does threaten to become obnoxious, he has her run out of the room. Well-played!

A good week for One Step Beyond.

Misc:

[1] Well, actually only one — this ain’t no Charlie Chan movie. Although a Charlie Chan movie might actually have none.
[2] I guess it is a good sign that I had to reach back almost 200 years for the 3rd name.
Song also displays his otherness by claiming to listen to plants.
Maybe his accent was entirely appropriate. I must admit I don’t talk to many 1959 Chinese people. Just seemed a little exaggerated.

Tales from the Crypt – Smoke Wrings (06/21/96)

Posted on July 3, 2020 by don

This episode is cited a few places as being the worst of the series. I have to put up a weak defense. Not because it is good, but because there has been so much other crap.

The first scene is yet another example of how the producers did not understand their own program; especially after the bastards shipped it across the pond. It has all the ingredients to grab the audience and make a great first impression. We are in an advertising agency. What better place for some dazzling creativity (well, around Super Bowl time, anyway)? Various admen, adwomen, adLGBTQ, adnauseum are making their pitches for the latest new & improved toothpaste. To be fair, the editor got it, as it was finely chopped between each brief presentation. Sadly, the performers are so lifeless, and the music so insipid that the setting and editing are squandered. It just sits there like the Queen.

The episode is redeemed, momentarily, by the appearance of Daniel Craig. Wait, what? Yes, young Daniel Craig, playing Barry 007 years ^[1] before his first appearance as James Bond in the great Casino Royale and subsequent erratically-timed disappointments. He proudly proclaims to Jacqueline that he has no portfolio or pitch to make. He says that he has the same swagger as she does and should be hired on that basis. Apparently that plus tight jeans, a leather jacket, and dreamy blue eyes is enough.

WTF? Is that a Cable Ace Award?

In his first meeting with a client, he attacks his agency’s own presentation as boring. Jacqueline agrees and tells him to be ready with his own ideas in the morning. We learn he is in cahoots with Jacqueline’s former boss, Alistair Touchstone, ^[2] who she forced out of the company. The old man gives Barry a device which causes minds to be very receptive.

At the meeting, Barry clicks on the device and shows Jacqueline a boring picture with the Chalmer’s Chocolate logo on it. She immediately chows down on some chocolates he thoughtfully brought in. He shows the same picture with Amazon Cola’s logo, and she grabs a can. The same picture advertising Alanis Lipstick causes her to grab a luscious pink-hued tube, and an ad for Moonlight Condoms does about the same. Barry foolishly shows them the device that is making them so receptive. ^[3]

Barry is assigned the prestigious Chalmer’s Chocolate account. The current Ad Exec asks what happens when Barry’s gadget breaks down. The ex-Exec gets sacked, and not in the good way. On the other hand, he can probably walk out with a gross of those prop condoms as severance cuz womens love unemployed guys.

Barry goes to see Jacqueline and says he has a message from her old partner, “Drop dead.” What follows is utterly incomprehensible. Barry, covered with blood, tells Alistair he killed Jacqueline and framed Alistair for it. The sacked Adman suddenly reappears and says, no it is Barry whom the police will arrest! The cops do show up and chase Barry through the building. Inexplicably, he leaps out a window to his death with no parkour, jet-pack, or parachute-wearing metal-toothed ectomorph to save him.

On the sidewalk where he just plopped, ^[4] Jacqueline, Alistair, sacked Adman, and a client are huddled, clearly in cahoots. Turns out there were no cops; that was just a suggestion implanted by the group using the device. Jacqueline says, “You’re right, the silent version is much more powerful” even though v1.0 also made no sound. ^[5]

Wait, Alistair had demonstrated the device by making Barry imagine rats — his biggest fear — climbing all over his body. Wouldn’t the device now have also made the whole group paranoid about cops? After all, they were conspiring to commit a murder.

The client cheerfully agrees that the advertising firm can keep her account, which is a little strange. She just sells chocolate, you wouldn’t expect her to be so callous to the suffering and death of a member of her team. It’s not like she’s selling iPhones.

There really was no point to this ruse other than it was necessary for the episode. Kinda like there was no reason for this episode other than it was necessary to squeeze a 7th season out of this lumbering mess of a series. Finally, Jacqueline suggests they celebrate with a drink. The client says, “Suddenly, I’m dying for one” and they all howl in laughter. Yes, a guy is dead, but this is a real non sequitur.

There were good performances from Ute Lemper (Jacqueline) and Daniel Craig. However the lazy writing and somber tone make this another failed effort on the order of Quantum of Solace.