Tales from the Crypt – Lower Berth (S2E14)

ftfclowerberth01A carnival barker is rounding up rubes to see the Freak Show.  If he had shortened his spiel, he might have squeezed in one more show per night.  After an interminable intro, he lets the people in.

After the Fat Lady and the Midgets, he brings out Enoch the 2-Faced Man who is exactly what he sounds like.  I’m not a fan of birth defects as entertainment, so no pictures.  Being obese isn’t a birth defect, but I’m no fan of Fat Ladies either, so no pictures of her either.

A well dressed man — a tuxedo at the carny — shows up in Mr. Sickles’ trailer.  He is played by Mark Rolston, the Space Marine from Aliens.  No, not Hicks, not the robot, not the black guy, not the women, not Bill Paxton, not the Lieutenant . . . the other guy.  Yeah, him.

He has come into possession of a Mummy which he wishes to sell to the carnival.  Sickles agrees to take the Mummy and pay the man a 40% commission.  Enoch probably doesn’t get much action, so is enamored of the Mummy.  Sickle mocks him for having human feelings.

Sickles sees in the newspaper that the Mummy was stolen in New Orleans.  The man does not deny it, but says he had no use for the Mummy, he just wanted the jewelry which could not be taken from the Mummy due to a curse which would castrate the thief.  If a very brief scuffle, Sickles accidentally kills the man with hedge clippers.

Hmmmm, castration curse and the introduction of hedge clippers.  Don’t need to visit Madam Zoltan’s tent to see the future for this one.

Sickles steals the jewels, and Enoch uses the hedge clippers to castrate him.  He can’t say he wasn’t warned; at least, he can’t say it in a low-pitched voice.

ftfclowerberth03

Gotch’er nose!

Enoch and the Mummy miss their next curtain call.  One year later, the police pay the carnival owner a visit.  A local boy discovered a cave where Enoch and the Mummy had lived. And apparently gave birth to the Cryptkeeper, who appears at the end as a baby.

Post-Post:

  • These TFTC titles are getting tedious.  I get that they are calling this baby a product of lower or lesser beings, but it should have been “Lower Birth” to make the pun work.
  • Screw the producers!  Knowing my dislike of the Cryptkeeper, they made him part of the story so he couldn’t be avoided.
  • Kevin Yagher has only two directing credits, both on TFTC.  His brother Jeff plays Enoch the 2-Faced Man.
  • Kevin married Catherine Hicks, and Jeff married Megan Gallagher.  Wow.

Blood-Bait for Hungry Mermaids – John Wallace

pulpmegabloodbait“The afternoon was grey, cheerless, and suffused by a miasma of melancholy.”

As first sentences go, that doesn’t exactly grab me by the lapels and scream “read the bejeebus out of me!”

Bob Barton is fishing on his cabin cruiser along with his wife Pamela and her sister Lucy, artist friend Wilson, business partner Forsythe and Captain Hawkins.

Wilson tells Barton the fish are biting and they go down to Mermaid Rock.  In the water, they clearly see three mermaids with girl’s faces, “full white breasts” and “scaly, bluish, finned” tails.  It seems strangely reasonable to Barton that they should be there, that he should cast his line into the water, and that he should hook one through the cheek.  She screams in agony as he reels her in, pretty much as I suspect a trout would.  As he removes the hook, she bites his wrist.

Wilson stabs her in the fishy area (. . . . . . er, nevermind), and stitches her mouth shut with wire.  He intends to stuff her and mount her as an objet d’art.  As Wilson strings the creature up and begins to gut it, Barton sees the scaly bottom half part to reveal a pair of human legs.  Seeing this and the thrill the men are getting out of fishing for the other mermaids snaps Barton back to sanity.

He discovers that someone has drugged them all with “Scopolamine — the liquid hypnotism.”  There actually is a drug called Scopolamine, which is used to treat nausea and vomiting according to Wikipedia.

It is also known as Devil’s Breath and can leave victims as zombies with no free will, assisting criminals, looting their own bank accounts, or being forced into prostitution.  There is an article at the Daily Mail which I will not link because it has a LOUD ad not only auto-playing, but on a loop.  Somebody should really go to jail for that.  The story accurately recounts those side effects and also correctly notes that it prevents the formation of short-term memories.  Basically, a Forget-Me-Now.

Finally we get to a story with an ape, though, sans zeppelin.

Finally we get to a story with an ape, though, sans zeppelin.

Barton searches for Pamela and finds Forsythe outfitting her with fins.  Barton knocks him out, but Pamela still drugged up tries to bite him.  Barton does manage to save her and also Lucy who was already suited up and swimming topless in the ol’ fishing hole.

There is a motive and a nice piece of misdirection based on the effects of the drug.  It’s pretty goofy with an over-complicated James Bond villain revenge plan, but it does have a lot of fun elements.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Mystery Tales, December 1939.
  • Also that month:  Gone with the Wind premieres in Atlanta.
  • I thought I had found a strange coincidence that there was a character named Bob Barton in two consecutive stories.  I think it is just a Kindle X-Ray error as the first Bob (Bride of the Ape) seems to have no last name; which must have been awkward as the story had him getting married just the day before.

Outer Limits – Birthright (S1E20)

After a press conference hyping his energy bill, Senator Richard Adams from Idaho is in a car being driven by his aide.  Adams puts some eye-drops in his eye, and the aide says he could use some too.

So the Senator gives the aide the bottle — while he’s driving.

And the aide leans his head back and takes a few drops — while he’s driving.

These guys are too stupid to be in poli . . . . er, never-mind.

The human gene-pool is strengthened by the death of the aide, but Adams wakes up in the hospital.  Maybe his doctor is not so sharp either as she seems surprised to find that Adams has strange organs and four lobes in his brain instead of two.  Frontal, occipital, parietal and temporal lobes are pretty much standard issue on humans.  Oh, we could throw in the limbic, but don’t start your cerebellum crap.

olbirthright09Adams’ security detail swarms his hospital room and hustles him out of the room.  When it is clear he does not realize who he is or what “the mission” is, the men decide he has to be killed.  He is able to escape and make his way back to the only person he can trust, the doctor.

He begins falling apart.  He is cold, fatigued, losing his hair, fingernails peeling off.  This is a result of his not taking a supplement that had kept him looking human and being able to breathe earth’s air.

He discovers that his energy bill, rather than being good for the atmosphere, will actually destroy it, making it poison to humans, but hospitable to his alien race.  We’re on to you, Al Gore!

olbirthright16He decides to rat his people out to the press.  Things don’t work out.

At the end, he is wearing the doctor’s Redskins cap.  So not only is he an alien, he’s a raaaaacist.

Post-Post:

  • The US Senators from Idaho when this episode aired were Larry Craig and Dick Kempthorne.  Craig resigned after some suspicious shenanigans in an airport restroom.  Kempthorne managed to hold on to his job after being accused of spending $222,000 on renovations to his bathroom at the Dept. of the Interior.
  • Them Idaho senators sure loves their shitters.  Kempthorne was even succeeded by a guy named Mike Crapo.
  • Hulu sucks.

Bride of the Ape – Harold Ward

pulpmegabride0125 stories for $.99 — they must be great!

I love these covers.  Not just for the lurid, scantily-clad damsel-in-distress poses, but also for the more subtle points — the jarring noun-noun-adjective string of words at the top; the misspelled word; the doctor’s hand holding the syringe which is almost an optical illusion; the way the illustration doesn’t quite fit the story.

On an “abysmally dark” night, Bob and Betty are being stalked through the woods by an unseen, growling entity.  For a change in these stories, their car did not get stuck in mud, but is immobilized by a “broken spring.”  They have wandered for miles seeking help.

The sound of their pursuer “acted as a tonic to our jaded nerves, quickening our muscles, putting us on the qui vive.”  The Kindle dictionary defines qui vive as:

n. on the alert or lookout; duty requires the earnest liberal to spend most of his time on the qui vive for fascism.

Presumably so he can hold a fundraiser. BTW, a lot of dictionaries seem to use that example, but no one gives an attribution.

Soon they see a house surrounded by a fence, 20 feet in height, with tightly meshed wire fastened to high posts.  It reminds Bob of a prison; or a driving range.

Admiring the fence, Bob trips and falls onto a the body of a naked woman.  Bob takes no indecent liberties because she is dead and “a weird misshapen creature, her form twisted and warped.”  Also because Betty is watching.

Finally we get to a story with an ape, though, sans zeppelin.

Finally we get to a story with an ape, though, sans zeppelin.

Breaking the awkwardness, or perhaps adding to it, a gorilla bursts out of the jungle.  It grabs Betty and begins tearing at her clothes.  Bob gamely jumps in repeatedly to save his gal.  He does manage to incapacitate the gorilla long enough for them to make it to the porch of the house.  Note to owner — the prison fencing is not working.

The door is answered by Professor Bixby, “a poor scholar come to this place to work out certain theories”  IOW, a mad scientist.  Bixby seems to be skeptical of their tale until the gorilla presses his face against the window.  He summons his man-servant Jarbo, who is described a “a huge black,” and orders him to kill the beast.

Before heading out, Jarbo beings in a tray of wine and sandwiches.  The famished couple dig in, but the food has been drugged and they drift off to sleep.

Bob awakens in a pit, but can hear Betty screaming.  He is tied to an iron bed, but manages to loosen the ropes and escape.  He finds Betty nearly naked in the lab with Bixby and the gorilla.  Bixby tries to calm the gorilla telling him, “her blood will be in your veins,” and promises the gorilla’s blood will flow through Betty’s body.  “Then she will be yours.”

Bob attacks Bixby, throttling his neck, but Jarbo smacks him down.  Not that he cares about Bixby, he wants to get his hands on Betty.  Jarbo tears at Betty’s bindings and speaks.  “She is Jarbo’s!  No give to ape-man this time!”  Bixby manages to shoot Jarbo, but “the black” — it’s not me, that’s how he is constantly referenced! — is still able to kill him.  The ape-man then attacks Jarbo, but Bob blows his brains out just as the cops show up.

According to Jarbo, Bixby was “obsessed with idea of fusing the blood of lower animals with that of white women to build up the racial stamina, weakened by the artificialities of modern life.”

I have no idea what that means, but it’s a nice little read.

Post-Post:

  • First published in Mystery Novels and Short Stories Magazine in September 1939, same issue as Ship of the Golden Ghoul.
  • Also that month:  Germany invades Poland and conducts first air attacks on Great Britain.  FDR declares US neutral as such blood-thirsty, savage nations as New Zealand, Canada, Australia and even France declare war.
  • Jarbo is described as Algerian, but repeatedly referred to as “the black.”  I tried to find a list of famous Algerians to gauge their skin-color.  Turns out, there are no famous Algerians.

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Haunting of the New (S3E8)

rbthaunting00.client.1413241041.conflictSuperman’s hot mother — no, not Ma Kent — Susannah York calls her writer friend Charles at 5 am from one of those houses that is so fancy that it has a name — Greenwood.  She asks him to come to Greenwood, and says he can have the house . . . if the house likes him.

The next morning, he slicks back his hair, puts it in a pony tail, dons his round wire-frame glasses, driving gloves, bow-tie, french cuffs, winged collar, scarf and pocket square, and hops in his convertible — yeah, a bit of a dandy.

When he arrives, he finds York sitting in the garden.  She says the house won’t let her in.  In fact, at her party the previous night, the house drove away the guests.

rbthaunting01She tells Charles the house is his if he wants it, but he must go in alone.  He goes in and imagines the house burning down.

I got nothing.

Neither does this episode.

Just crap.

I wrote a diatribe about how boring the next RBT episode (The Chicago Abyss) was, but it probably belongs in this post.

Post-Post:

  • Roger Tompkins also directed A Miracle of Rare Device.  He has no non-RBT credits.  None.
  • Idea:  The Haunting of the Newd.  Then you got somethin’.