Teenager Pete Hartford is working on his homework when his mother opens the door without knocking.^[1]  As soon as she sees that he is not ruining his mind listening to the rock-n-roll, she leaves.  He then puts on a pair of head-phones so he can ruin his mind with the rock-n-roll.  He should be more concerned about his mind being ruined from lack of oxygen as Mrs. Hartford comes back in and strangles him with the cord.  Another senseless death that could have been saved by Bluetooth.

Eli’s car breaks down, so he walks the 11 miles to Harmony.  He approaches a woman to ask about a mechanic.  It is strange that both of these encounters are played exactly the wrong way.  Well, maybe not exactly wrong as in diametrically opposed; but just wrong. It is hard to tell what he is trying to do.  At times, he seems to be hitting on her, and at times he seems to be indicating that he is homeless.  These aren’t usually successful in conjunction.

Similarly, when Pete’s mother strangles him, we can tell by the look on his mother’s face as she approaches that something is wrong.  There is no shock because we have had several seconds to prepare for something to happen.  You could say her approach was to create suspense, but her face does not convey the proper menace for that.

Luckily the mechanic is willing to get him fixed up on a Sunday.  He even directs Eli to a B&B.  Sadly it is not a B&B&TV as it has no televisions or radios.  Charmed by the small town, Eli whistles the tune to The Andy Griffith Show.  This brings the proprietor back in who claims that whistling sets off her migraines.  She institutes a no-whistling rule.  And frankly, I don’t think she hears all that many.

That afternoon, he sees a group of people dressed in black walk by the B&B.  He follows them to a cemetery.  Hey — there’s Pete’s mom!  He also sees Lucinda who had sent him to the mechanic.  She says that Pete died falling down a flight of stairs.  Her little brother Tim seems not to be a fan of Harmony as he says Pete was his only friend here.

That night, Tim breaks into the garage to steal some CDs from Eli’s car.  Lucinda tells Eli maybe this town isn’t for everyone.  People are happy here, but it comes at a price. That night Tim ups his game to B&E at the B&B as be breaks into Eli’s room.  He doesn’t steal anything, he just says “the people in this town are crazy.  They’ll kill you. They’ll kill us both.”

Tim knows that Pete was killed for listening to music.  That is why there are no TVs or radios, and why the landlady flipped out when Eli whistled.  He had also noticed at the funeral that they spoke the words to Amazing Grace rather than singing it.  I hope those were Jerky Boys CDs Tim stole or he is doomed.  He tells Eli that there is a “beast” in town.

Eli takes a flashlight and goes out to the cemetery.  He finds headstones for Thomas Warren (1851-1865) and Virginia Rogers (1839-1855) — teenagers who broke the rules. He sees Pete’s mother kneeling over his grave with a shotgun in her mouth.  She asks if he believes in “the beast”.  She blows her own head off, which is something you don’t see on TV everyday.

The mechanic helpfully delivers his car . . . to the cemetery . . . in the middle of the night . . . gassed up . . . his shit packed.  He is concerned about Lucinda, though.  He finds a group with baseball bats and probably some pitchforks although YouTube is too low-res to see for sure.  They have caught Tim with the CDs.  The group tells Eli that the beast is awakened by music and it will kill anyone in its path.

Turns out no one has actually seen the beast for 150 years.  The townsfolk say it is because they are careful, but Eli — who has been in town one day — claims it is a myth. He says, “You forbid music. Why?  Because music makes you feel joy, ecstasy, longing, sexual desire.  Those are all feelings that music brings and that is what you are afraid of.”  He tells them they are the beast.

Just to prove it, he starts singing Amazing Grace.  Then Lucinda starts singing.  Then the mechanic starts singing.  Then the landlady starts singing.  Then Reverend Shaw Moore starts singing.  I was starting to get worried, but thank God Eli was wrong — the beast appears and kicks ass.

I love a small town with a big secret.  This one has a little Gatlin (teenage deaths, a beast behind the rows), a little Stars Hollow (having to hide CDs), and a little Bomont (no music).  It is a fun ride, well performed.  I’m not a stickler for great effects.  The final beast, though, is pretty underwhelming.  However, Lucinda’s final cry that she never should have listened to Eli — and the looks on their faces — more than make up for it.

Post-Post:

• ^[1] Shame on me for not working in a masturbation comment.
• Space Trivia:  The Mechanic is Saul Tighe from Battlestar Galactica.  The actor portraying Tim is named James Kirk.
• Title Analysis:  Meh.  I get that harmony is related to music, but how is it related to the story here?  Does it mean only harmonizing groups like barber shop quartets will be killed?  Because I could get behind that.
• It would also work if the curse of the town’s curse enabled them to live in special harmony — dare I say, in concert — with each other.  However, there is no particular bonding or quality of life here that would make them tolerate the murder of their children.  Does the beast also hate U-Hauls?
• Books-on-Tape must be huge here.  Why else would the kids have CD players? Yeah, I said Tape.

Best episode of the series.  That is just based on the presence of Thora Birch, so your mileage may vary. Really, she could have just walked around the titular maze for 22 minutes and I would have been happy; so the bar is pretty low on this one.

The lovely Thora is jogging around the track at school when Wes merges into her lane.  There is some cute dialogue involving him asking her out.  She declines so Gail, her only friend at school, tells her she needs to get out and make friends.  Although it is a scientific fact ^[1] that smoking hot girls are the loneliest, she needs to make an effort.

Professor Amanda Plummer walks by the table for one of the worst character introductions I’ve ever seen.

Professor: “Hello Gail”.

Gail: “Hello Professor”.

That’s it — even in a 22-minute episode, there must be more than that.  Making it worse, there are a couple of performance queues that just go nowhere. Amanda approaches the table awkwardly, almost like she is going to ask Gail on a date.  Gail’s response is a little giddy as if she is enamored with the professor.  Further complicating the scene is the mere presence of Amanda Plummer.  She is a great character actress, but you know she’s going to end up nuts.

Gail advises Thora to start being more sociable or she will end up old, miserable and alone. When she heads back to the dorm to schedule some sleepovers and pillow fights — in my mind, anyway — she sees Wes.  Not quite ready to practice what Gail preaches, Thora ducks into the campus hedge-maze.  Wait, what?  Is this a metaphor for negotiating the complex college years?  The labyrinthine legal ordeal awaiting a college guy who looks at her the wrong way?  Forming mature relationships? No, I think it’s just a hedge-maze, and it works.

Thora walks through the maze.  The path is snowy even though there is no snow on the hedges.  She loses her way in the maze and walks for a while, getting a little concerned.  And maybe rightfully so.  Some of the shots show chain-link fences in the hedges — they really didn’t want anyone taking a short-cut out. Finally, she sees an EXIT sign.  She pulls out the world’s worst Kindle — some giant heavy thing about 2 inches thick and begins reading as she walks.

She is so entranced by her reading that she doesn’t realize that she is completely alone. She passed no one on the campus, and the dining hall is empty.  She goes back outside and sees absolutely no one.  She searches the campus, but can find no one.  Then she hears music coming from a classroom.  She rushes there expecting to find some football players in Music Appreciation 101.  She does find the aforementioned nutty professor still alive and a few dead students propped up in their seats.  To the surprise of no one, she is insane.

Thora runs out, and even her run, unlike some people’s, is cute.  She goes back to the dining hall for some reason.  Searching the kitchen, she finds the cook dead with his head in the oven.  She grabs a big-ass knife and heads out to keep looking.  She sees a menu dated March 2, 2003 — two years in the future.

She heads to the library to look for people.  She hears a phone ring. She answers and a voice says, “What are you going to do with the  knife?”  Turns out it is Wes.  He shows her newspapers describing how an asteroid is going to destroy the earth.  Headlines say an effort to destroy the asteroid have failed.  And that the “UN Convenes Special Session”, most likely to apologize to the asteroid for being in its way.

Everyone has gone to the mountains, or underground or killed themselves.  Wes didn’t want to die that way.  There were so many books he wanted to read, so he came to the library.  Thora realizes that the maze somehow transported her, so she starts back there.  Crazy Amanda Plummer shows up out of nowhere like Karl in Die Hard and stabs Wes.  In another non-written scene, basically Thora just shows her the newspaper. Plummer hands over the knife and walks out.  That’s it.

Thora tries to drag Wes back to the maze, but he dies.  Which is actually a good thing, or else there would have been two Wes’s in our timeline. As the sirens blast and the sky turns red, Thora manages to get back through the maze and back to her own timeline.  That night at 2 am, she goes to Wes’s room.  The final shot shows them walking across the campus at 2 am —  there is no one else out, but they are not alone.

Having learned the importance of friends, Thora and Wes will live happily ever after . . . for two years until that asteroid kills them and everyone else on earth.

As I said, this episode started with a huge credit.  It still managed to build on that, though.  The last person on earth scenario is certainly not original, but it is always fun. Thora was perfect, and Wes was OK.  The only weakness was the writing and casting of the Professor — not a deal-breaker, just kind of jarring.

Post-Post:

• ^[1] By “fact” I mean “bullshit”.
• As Thora wandered around the deserted campus, it reminded me how scenes of some tyrannical or dystopian future frequently seem to be shot at colleges . . . Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, a couple of Night Gallerys, etc.
• And how can dystopian not be in spell-check?  Did we learn nothing from The Hunger Games?
• Thora Birch was last seen in The Choice.
• Amanda Plummer was in the awful Lover Come Hack to Me and excellent Stitch in Time.