Under the Bed (2012)

underthebed03If I’ve learned anything from watching Bates Motel, it is that if you are a rebellious teen guy, new in town, who has emotional and criminal problems possibly involving death, the hottest girls in town will be all over you.  Smoking Marlboros is a bonus.  Actually, I think I already mostly knew that.

Teen Neal Hausman is being driven back home by his father after spending a couple of years with his aunt.  Seems that Neal had some problems after the death of his mother in a mysterious fire.

Mr. Hausman, who looks distractingly like Zach Galifianakis, is bringing Neal home to meet the new Mrs. Hausman and to reunite with his little brother Paulie.  At a party in his honor, he meets new-mother Angela, played MILFtacularly by Musetta Vander, the she-mantis teacher from Buffy.  He also sees one of the aforementioned red-hot teen babes, Cara; and her brothers who are the live action versions of Rod & Todd Flanders.  Actually, their dad is not far off from Ned, either, so maybe it was intentional

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Hot babe #1

Neal finds Paulie upstairs.  After not-Zach yells at them for reasons I still don’t understand, Natalie gives them some cash to go to the local diner.  Neal proclaims it to be the coolest place in town which is a pretty sad commentary on this burg.  The waitress is hot teen babe #2 who is all over Neal.

That night, Neal and Paulie begin confronting the thing under the bed.  Using weapons that range from a mop with flashlights attached to it to a chainsaw, they joust with the reptilian / alien / demon / humanoid creature.  The problem is more than a mere portal to hell that can be covered over.  During a sleepover at the Flanderses, the monster makes its usual foggy entrance from beneath the neighbor’s bed.

underthebed05The final 30 minutes ratchets everything up 1000%.  There is suddenly more danger, higher stakes, and no shortage of dead bodies.  Perhaps most tragically, Angela spends the entire last act in a robe, and the opportunity is squandered.

Pauly is dragged under the bed to “the other side”.  This is right out of Insidious, Poltergeist, TZ’s Little Girl Lost and countless others (which is what you say when you can’t think of even one more).  Not much time or effort is spent on the hellish other side, but that is fine.  It is other-worldly enough and gives Neal a chance to be a hero.  Ultimately, they are saved by Mom.  Not Angela, but their dead  biological Mom.

This Kind of movie movie both excites and pisses me off.  Expecting it to be mediocre, I let it tie up one of my Netflix slots for a week.  But then when I watched it — gold!  I could nitpick the origin, motivation and design of the creature.  I could also question why the father was such a jerk.  But I’m just looking to be entertained, and it delivered.

I rate this one King-Size

Post-Post:

  • Also worth checking out is director Steven C. Miller’s previous film The Aggression Scale.  Much lower budget and less polish, but a fun ride.  I look forward to more work from him.
  • Written by Eric Stolze, not Eric Stoltz.  I thought Stoltz had dropped off the face of the earth, but he is all over the place — just nowhere I ever see him.

13 Sins (2014)

13sins01

A distinguished old codger is introduced at an elegant event.  He stands, observes his rapt audience and says:

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit / Does shit stick to your fur as a habit? / Of course not said the hare / It’s really quite rare / So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

As he is clearly past his prime, but was once respected, the audience indulges him with a few uncomfortable pity laughs.  Kind of like with David Letterman.  Then he follows up with:

There once was a lady named Dot / Who lived off of pig shit and snot / When she ran out of these / She ate the green cheese / That she grew on the sides of her twat.

Then he cuts off a couple of the hostess’s fingers.  As you do.  Being a bunch of elite, high-society, self-righteous, NPR-listening, Obama-worshipers, there is not a Concealed Carry Permit in da house.  Or even one man willing to stand up to an 80 year old with a fruit knife.  A security guard comes in and shoots grandpa as he is reaching for his phone.

After the credits, we see Elliot Brindle.  He is having a day sort of like Pat Healy in Cheap Thrills.  He has an pregnant girlfriend, whereas Healy had a new-born; he gets fired just like Healy; has mounting financial pressure; and he acquires mysterious benefactor just like Healy.

He gets a phone call offering him a chance to make some big coin.  As in Cheap Thrills, the challenges start small; in this case, merely swatting a fly for $1,000.  The reward jumps to $3,622 to eat the fly.  Just as Healy was tempted with the exact amount he owed to avoid eviction, Brindle is offered this non-random amount which is exactly what his girlfriend owes on her credit cards.

Next, during a nice day at the park with his future in-laws, he is challenged to make a child cry for $5,000.  Good stuff.  This is already much better than Cheap Thrills.  However, my confidence is rocked by the introduction of Ron Perlman — never a good omen in a movie.

The comedy ratchets up as he is challenged to take a dead man out for a cup of coffee.  Kind of like Weekend at Bernie’s, except funny.

13sins03Well, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a hand; which eventually happens.  Things start to get darker as Brindle is offered $100 large to cut off the hand of an old friend.  Then he brains the guy’s brother with a chair.  And steals his car.

13sins04It gets dark where it should be dark, funny where it should be funny, and twisty.  And Koechner-free!  Cheap Thrills got the attention, but 13 Sins is superior in almost every way.

I give it 11 out of 13 sins.

Post-Post:

  • Elliot’s father is a hilarious, racist quote machine played by Marvin from Die Hard 2.  Very entertaining.
  • Devon Graye, who played the teenage Dexter, was probably better than this movie deserved as Elliot’s special needs brother.
  • The circus-tune ringtone, which apparently the caller assigns in this universe, is Entrance of the Gladiators.
  • Sadly, could not work in a Brundle-Fly reference for Brindle.
  • Director Daniel Stamm (The Last Exorcism) does love his widescreen:

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Grand Piano (2013)

grandpiano00Holy crap will I be recommending this to people tomorrow!  And real people, not the imaginary ones that visit this blog.  You can nitpick this to death, and many already have, or you can just accept it as some great, fun entertainment.

Elijah Wood is Tom Selznick, a concert pianist whose career has been derailed by stage-fright since making a mistake in a complex piece five years ago.  Apparently these classical music dweebs hold grudges like a Muslim.

Finally his wife has has persuaded him to make a comeback.  As he is playing from the sheet music, he begins to see arrows and notes.  He has also been provided with an earpiece that enables him to speak to his tormenter.  A man with a laser-sighted rifle will kill his wife if he does not play every note in the same complex piece correctly tonight.

grandpiano01At this point, it is much like Phone Booth, but better.  Or Season 1 of 24, but worse. Great as Grand Piano is, nobody puts Jack Bauer in a corner.

Much has been written about Grand Piano as being being in the vein of Hitchcock and DePalma (although I’m not sure what represents DePalma except maybe a split screen shot).  It is hard to mistake the Hitchcockian elements — a man in over his head, a timeless theater set, paranoia, inventive camera angles, classical score.  I think either one of them would have been proud of how this shot plays out:

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Must see to appreciate.

The great cast features Allen Leech, Tom Branson from Downton Abbey (who was a little bit of a distraction as he really resembles Samwise Gamgee sitting in the audience).  Don McManus is as over-the-top as you would imagine a great conductor to be (or Don McManus to be, for that matter).  It is nice to see Alex Winter (who was either Bill or Ted and made the underrated Freaked) as a conspirator.  And, of course, Elijah Wood was great, continuing his recent streak.  His, er, not-classic looks are perfect for an emotionally scarred concert pianist.  John Cusack, heard but not seen for most of the movie, gives his usual competent performance.  The only weak point was his wife Emma, played by Kerry Bishe; but maybe only because her on-screen sister was so much hotter than her.

There is a lot of chatter online about the ridiculousness of the plot, and of the ending.  Most, however, do not deny that there is a great style to the movie and that it is successful in generating suspenseful.  So why would you quibble on minor points?

I rate it 84 out of 88 keys.

Post-Post:

  • Thanks to the filmmakers for giving us 12 minutes of end credits rather than padding out the story.  But really, would an 85 minute run time have been that terrible?
  • I’m shocked, shocked! that on Rotten Tomatoes, this has an 82 from critics, but only a 50 from normal humans.  I would have strong expected the exact opposite.
  • I patted myself on the back for getting an obscure Edie Sedgwick reference when Bishe was standing in front of a poster blocking out all but E_____ick.  In retrospect, I was full of crap.

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The Signal (2014)

signalcover01Anyone who watches way too many movies and sees this poster thinks, Moon.  If you liked Moon, that’s a good thing.  If you didn’t like Moon, at least you’re in for a surprise treat with The Signal.

It starts off feeling like a thousand other horror movies, with a small group of friends on a road trip.  Somehow it has a handheld feel even though it is not handheld, and doesn’t even use the shaky-cam. Maybe because it has an unattached odd-numbered wheel character, often the camera wielder in those films.

Jonah and the couple, Nic & Haley, are driving Haley to Cal Tech.  The vibe switches gears a little, but smoothly, to techno-thriller, showing the two guys trying to track down a hacker that had targeted them at MIT.  So, no dummies these — a major deviation from most horror movies.

Then, it is back to a horror vibe as their investigation leads them on a side-trip down a dirt road ending at a dilapidated house.  They bravely search the house, even going into the Blair Witchy, Evil Deady basement.  When they hear screams from Haley, they race back to the car.  Then we do have a bit of shaky-cam action with bright lights and chaos.

signallf01Nic wakes up in government facility staffed by employees wearing hazmat suits.  Laurence Fishburne tells Nic that what they saw at the house was an EBE.  He is otherwise tight with any info about where they are or the condition of his friends.  For his part, his legs which required crutches before, seem to not be functional at all.

Nic makes an unsuccessful escape attempt with Haley in tow — literally — he is rolling out in his wheelchair with a tow-line attached to her gurney.  The attempt is so quixotic, that it almost seems like it must have been a dream; especially as numerous workers come absurdly close without spotting them.

Nic makes a shocking discovery about his condition, and attempts another unlikely escape with Haley.  This time they manage to escape the facility and find themselves in the desert.  From here they encounter some very strange locals, and they story takes another turn into the superhero / fantasy realm.

signallf02Throughout its twists, I was consistently interested and entertained.  Several reviews have complained about pacing, but I had no issues at all.  One went so far as to give the screenplay a D grade.  There certainly is a huge question at the end, but it is the kind best left to the audience to resolve for themselves.

If I had to lodge one criticism, it would be that the Haley character is pretty much a zero. She is the reason they are travelling to California, but not for any otherwise plot-relevant purpose.  She is absent or in a coma for much of the film.  She does not assist in the escapes, being literally a drag in the first attempt. While Nic and Jonah experience certain changes during their captivity, Haley really does not.  There is evidence of surgical tinkering with her body, but no overt changes as we see in the other two.  She is Winston Zeddemore.  Except white.  And female.  And cute (sorry, Z).

Very good stuff.

Post-Post:

  • Haley is played by the very cute Olivia Cooke from Bates Motel — I did not recognize her without the tubes in her nose.
  • My occasional prosopagnosia also prevented me from recognizing Brenton Thwaites from the very good Oculus which I just saw on April 12th (yeah, I keep track).
  • Wikipedia says Sarah Clarke (Nina Myers from 24) was in this, but IMDb does not list her.  Her, I can’t believe I would have missed.  Based on the trailers, I get the sense there were a LOT of scenes cut.
  • Not to be confused with The Signal, a 2007 horror joint that I liked.  Or according to IMDb, Signal which will be released in 2015, or The Signal which will be released in 2016, or The Signal currently in development (c’mon 2017!).

Edge of Tomorrow (2014)

Conedgeoftomcover01s: Got to the Theater 8 minutes late, anticipating the usual 17 minutes of previews. Miraculously, the movie had already started.  OK, I can’t blame the film for that, but I’m grasping for straws because the movie itself was very good.

Tom Cruise is caught in a time loop similar to Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, except some chick is shooting him in the head in most of the iterations.

Also, he is waking to each reset day with a sergeant screaming “On your feet maggot!” rather than hearing “I Got You Babe” on the radio.  Although around the 20th time, I’m not sure which would be worse.

It gets off to an interesting start — at least at the point where I where I strolled in — as Tom Cruise is not playing his usual confident, infallible, smirking superman. Here he is Don Draper, or more accurately Pete Campbell, a weaselly military ad man who finds himself on the front lines of a war with aliens.  He does his best to talk, spin, and blackmail his way out of being sent into the real war, but to no avail

He is busted to private and assigned to a combat unit commanded by Bill Paxton, who is great in this role despite being possibly the worst actor to ever make a fine living working full-time in movies; he is frequently a great character, but that is not the same.  The irony is that among the grunts he commands there is not a single character as interesting as Hudson in Aliens.  OK, I guess the indistinguishable soldiers are the real “con” of the movie.

Once in combat, he is pretty quickly killed.  But not before killing one of the aliens. Not just a regular alien, but a 1 in 6 million alien that possesses time-travel capabilities.  You’d think the aliens would protect such a rare, valuable resource, but no.  After blasting the alien, Cruise gets a blood, guts & goo facial. This is enough to transfer the time-travel abilities to him.  When he is killed, he resets / awakens the previous morning.

Eventually, Cruise becomes the superhuman killing machine that we expect him to be.  The difference here is that it is earned.  We see him repeatedly fail, die, and learn from his mistakes.  For him, Nietzsche was wrong — What DOES kill him makes him stronger.  There are no participation trophies.  Cruise gets a rare chance to develop a character — from smug ad man, to scared toy-soldier, to born-again hard — and completely pulls it off.

Emily Blunt plays a war hero aka The Angel of Verdun aka Full Metal Bitch who had earlier been stuck in a time-loop.  Understanding Cruise’s potential as a weapon, she becomes his trainer and partner.  If there was one thing I didn’t care for in the movie, it was her.  The character is OK, but the actress just brought nothing special to the role.  OK, forget the indistinguishable soldiers, they were just bit players and ultimately cannon-fodder — the miscasting of Emily Blunt would be the only “con” I could come up with.

Toward the end, there were several things I didn’t understand.  For example:

  1. Cruise seemed to indicate he was teaching himself to fly the helicopter at the farmhouse, but then told Blunt that an alien would hear the noise and attack it if were even started (which she proved to be true).
  2. Before attacking the Louvre, Cruise says not to kill any of the Alpha aliens because that would alert the Omega alien who would would then reset the day.  But they do go in guns a-blazing, killing scores of aliens.
  3. And, of course, the whole ending.

Mostly likely all of these are explainable by a) dialogue I missed, or b) the fact that the theater now serves beer.

Except the ending.

So, maybe the real “con” is the ending; in more ways than one.  Certainly that seems to be creating a lot of online chatter.  But then most chatterers are praising Emily Blunt, too.  I can construct a scenario in which it makes sense to me, even if it is not airtight.  This ain’t Algebra; both sides of the equation don’t have to balance to be entertaining.

Rating: I’d rather sit through a time-loop viewing this movie than have to sit through Godzilla one more time.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Great movie, but terrible title — sounds like a soap opera.
  • Why the European setting?  Callback to D-Day?  Tired of destroying Washington and New York?  Got news for you, people love seeing Washington destroyed. Maybe it is not PC during this administration.
  • I can’t figure out what the giant paddle is that she is carrying.
  • The shadow of Aliens looms large, and not just for Paxton and the cargo-loaders.  When told they could not shoot the aliens at the Louvre, I really wanted to hear, “What the hell are we supposed to use, man?  Harsh language?
  • As usual, I regret going 3D.  It was fine, but pointless, in the static shots; but many of the action scenes were a mess.  Also, it darkens the screen so much that I never was able to make out the last word of Full Metal Bitch on the poster, and didn’t recognize Emily Blunt as being the woman pictured.  Possibly due to sitting at a sharp angle to the screen.
  • Seventeen minutes does seem to be the average for previews.  However, the new X-Men ran longer, and the Evil Dead reboot last year had a record-breaking 25 minutes.  I wouldn’t care if they lasted an hour — if we knew they would last an hour.  Here’s a way to start — no advertising for movies that won’t be in the theater for 2 years.
  • There really is a Science Hill, KY but I can’t figure out why they would have made it Paxton’s character’s hometown.  Bill Paxton was born in Fort Worth, TX.  He was photographed waving to JFK leaving his hotel the morning he was killed, and later attended Lee Harvey Oswald’s old high school.  John Denver also attended the same high school, but there is no photographic evidence linking Paxton to his death.