A distinguished old codger is introduced at an elegant event. He stands, observes his rapt audience and says:
A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit / Does shit stick to your fur as a habit? / Of course not said the hare / It’s really quite rare / So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
As he is clearly past his prime, but was once respected, the audience indulges him with a few uncomfortable pity laughs. Kind of like with David Letterman. Then he follows up with:
There once was a lady named Dot / Who lived off of pig shit and snot / When she ran out of these / She ate the green cheese / That she grew on the sides of her twat.
Then he cuts off a couple of the hostess’s fingers. As you do. Being a bunch of elite, high-society, self-righteous, NPR-listening, Obama-worshipers, there is not a Concealed Carry Permit in da house. Or even one man willing to stand up to an 80 year old with a fruit knife. A security guard comes in and shoots grandpa as he is reaching for his phone.
After the credits, we see Elliot Brindle. He is having a day sort of like Pat Healy in Cheap Thrills. He has an pregnant girlfriend, whereas Healy had a new-born; he gets fired just like Healy; has mounting financial pressure; and he acquires mysterious benefactor just like Healy.
He gets a phone call offering him a chance to make some big coin. As in Cheap Thrills, the challenges start small; in this case, merely swatting a fly for $1,000. The reward jumps to $3,622 to eat the fly. Just as Healy was tempted with the exact amount he owed to avoid eviction, Brindle is offered this non-random amount which is exactly what his girlfriend owes on her credit cards.
Next, during a nice day at the park with his future in-laws, he is challenged to make a child cry for $5,000. Good stuff. This is already much better than Cheap Thrills. However, my confidence is rocked by the introduction of Ron Perlman — never a good omen in a movie.
The comedy ratchets up as he is challenged to take a dead man out for a cup of coffee. Kind of like Weekend at Bernie’s, except funny.
Well, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a hand; which eventually happens. Things start to get darker as Brindle is offered $100 large to cut off the hand of an old friend. Then he brains the guy’s brother with a chair. And steals his car.
I give it 11 out of 13 sins.
- Elliot’s father is a hilarious, racist quote machine played by Marvin from Die Hard 2. Very entertaining.
- Devon Graye, who played the teenage Dexter, was probably better than this movie deserved as Elliot’s special needs brother.
- The circus-tune ringtone, which apparently the caller assigns in this universe, is Entrance of the Gladiators.
- Sadly, could not work in a Brundle-Fly reference for Brindle.
- Director Daniel Stamm (The Last Exorcism) does love his widescreen: