Monthly Archives: September 2014

Wages of Sin (2006)

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wagesofsin0220 Horror Movies for $5; what could possibly go wrong?  Part XIX of XX.  Holy cow, I think he’s gonna make it!

The good news is that the first shot of the film looks like something Sam Raimi would have created.  The bad news is that it is just because it features an old land yacht that reminded me of Raimi’s Classic Delta 88 (30 seconds of research revealed not much similarity, so the film lost even that cheap thrill).

The Scooby gang is asleep in the car when a crazy preacher bangs on the window.  In a bizarrely egregious continuity error, the car which has been established to be parked in the middle of a huge field, is suddenly parked on a dirt road lined with trees.

wagesofsin08aThe lovely Sue wakes up the rest of the gang and they see the man watching them from far away. Truly, the 1 minute after the credits and up to this point gave me hope for another gem like Keepsake.  The cinematography was great, Sue is really beautiful and showcased in a 360 degree camera swirl, and the low humming score works.

They believe the figure to be their missing stoner friend who has gone out to spell his name in the road.  Sue rushes her lines a little, and her boyfriend’s teeth are blinding white.  Jane seems like someone’s sister visiting the set more than an actress, and the stoner is just an awful actor, looking and sounding like the stoner from Cabin in the Woods who nearly wrecked that movie for me.  But, other than the stoner, it is a likeable crew which places it ahead of most horror movie casts.

They are going to a house that adoptee Sue inherited from her biological family, and which is shown in a strange 2-second insert video shot of a photograph.  The stoner picks up the radio station from Children of the Corn and we get our title-check for “wages of sin.”

They stop at a gas station for supplies.  Sue goes into the disgusting bathroom and is approached by a wino assuring her that Jesus loves her.  She runs outside and yells at the stoner who was supposed to scout out the restroom.  He goes in, but there is no one there. They ask the gas station manager for directions to the house, but he tells them they don’t want to go there — just as in Cabin in the Woods, which was a parody of scenes in countless other films (including the aforementioned Children of the Corn).

They resume their journey and Sue resumes her hallucinations.  This time, she sees a little girl in a white dress on a swing.  The girl, now splattered with blood, then appears in the rear window in an interesting shot — then back on the swing.

Sue’s boyfriend Ron takes her out to the car and proposes, giving her a ring.  Unfortunately, he is left with a pretty big matzoh ball hanging out there. Maybe the reason is that he makes her sick to her stomach.  Back in the kitchen she starts yopping in the sink what looks like cranberry sauce — and not the good kind that comes in the can; the kind where you can see the actual berries.  She has another hallucination, but economically fits both the preacher and the little girl into the same vision.

Let us take a minute to give thanks for what is good.  Sue is still a hottie.  The little girl might be blankly reading her lines . . . or she might be a great little actress.  And when the Gary Busey-esque preacher speakers, smoke comes out of his mouth.  Smoke, or condensation like it is freezing.  I’m not sure either makes sense, but I did like the subtle effect.

After eating some 2 years old mystery meat, the gang sets up a Ouija board, again an . . . homage to countless other films.  Then Sue begins floating over her bed (The Exorcist).  The gang gets in the car and drives away, but arrives back where they started at the house.  After the obligatory crash, Sue sees the little girl again.

In one final extended “homage” we get a replay of The Shining, sometimes shot for shot.  as the stoner finds himself a maul and goes all Jack Torrance on Sue hiding in the bathroom with a knife like Shelly Duvall:

wagesofsin001wagesofsin002wagesofsin003wagesofsin004It was no Keepsake, but it was watchable.  Other than the stoner, the cast was competent.  The preacher in the hallucinations was a little over the top; which would have been OK if they had actually been able to afford Gary Busey.  The weakest point was the writing — the dialogue was sometimes cringe-worthy; and the hallucinations just didn’t seem to work for me.

Post-Post:

  • Four credited writers to create this awful dialogue.
  • There are a freakish few seconds around the 58 minute mark where the aspect ratio seems to change, but they stretch out the picture to fill the screen.
  • The Wages of Sin is death.  It killed a good evening.
  • I’ve got a hankering for some corn.

Tales from the Crypt – Four-Sided Triangle (S2E9)

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tftcfoursided01The haggard Luisa Yates comes down looking for her coffee and finds servant girl Mary Jo still in bed. Luisa whacks her with her cane and chases her out to get the eggs.

Luisa’s husband farmer George, working on the truck, watches her go into the barn.  He continues watching through a knothole in the wall.  Not condoning his voyeurism, but it is understandable as Mary Jo is young, cute, and not a fan of the bra.  She is coquettishly played by 22-year old Patricia Arquette, 3 years before her breakout in True Romance (back when she was Rosanna’s sister, not the other way around).

When she comes out with the eggs, he sends her back in to milk the cow.  George and Luisa figure they got themselves some free help as they hold Mary Jo hostage on the farm threatening to tell the police that she robbed the Stop & Go.

When George begins awkwardly hitting on her, she tosses a bucket of milk at him. Luisa hears a commotion in the barn, so George whacks Mary Jo in the head with a bottle to shut her up.  Whiskey bottles have the same effect on her noggin as on mine and she staggers out of the barn.

Mary Jo manages to escape into the cornfield, but leaves a trail of blood.  She collapses in front of a scarecrow with a clown mask and hallucinates him reaching down for her.  She passes out and the Yates find her.

tftcfoursided03The blow to the head seems to have knocked about 50 IQ points out of her as she suddenly seems two cans short of a six-pack, and still two cups short of a bra.  She keeps talking worshipfully about her man who is so big and strong and will make love to her.

That night, George dreams of her, wakes up to hear her laughing and dancing outside.  He sneaks out and follows her into the cornfield.  She starts flirting with the scarecrow.  George again tries to make his move, but she brushes him off.

The next day, she is dressed more girlishly and says she has a date with her fella that night.  That night she goes to the scarecrow again.  This time, his eyes open and he really does respond to her caresses.

tftcfoursided05

He who boinks behind the rows.

Luisa catches Mary Jo making out with the scarecrow, who has returned to his pole.  Luisa repeatedly runs him through with a pitchfork to prove to Mary Jo that he is made of straw.  She is surprised to see real blood pouring out of his chest.  Then she is surprised to see real blood pouring out of her own chest as Mary Jo impales her on the pitchfork.

Mary Jo runs off into the cornfield singing.

The actors all pull off their parts very well, but the writing was a little off.  For example, it is never clear if Mary Jo became so child-like after the bottle to the head, or was she always like that?  It would have been interesting if that was an act to lure George & Luisa to their deaths, but there is no sign of that as she skips into the cornfield still acting like a 9 year old girl.  A hot, hot . . . no, I can’t even finish it.

Post-Post:

  • This is James Tugend’s only writing credit.  He had some producing credits 25 years before.  So what was he doing for the time in between?
  • Tom Holland also directed the dreadful Lover Come Hack to Me.  He both wrote and directed the major guilty pleasure The Langoliers.

Outer Limits – The Voyage Home (S1E15)

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Sci-Fi stories are like westerns.  Put a wagon out in the desert and you are half way to a decent western.  Put some people on a spaceship, and you’re halfway home with me.

olvoyagehome01It is day 315 of the Mars III Mission.  The math suggests that they have been on the surface for about 100 days.  Thanks to some brilliant scheduling, they are exploring a cave a few hours before liftoff rather than say, going over the pre-launch checklist, resting up for the most important procedure of the flight, or spelling their names in the regolith.

Their dedication pays off, at least in the short run, as they find some writing in the cave.  Nearby, they discover a pod.  Following in the tradition of brainiacs from Alien to Prometheus, their first instinct is to take the pod back on the ship.  Short of putting their lips on it, there could be no worse idea.  Nothing good ever comes in pods —  it’s always evil murderous aliens; or peas.

The pod emits a burst of light and gas, knocking the 3 astronauts unconscious.  They wake up an hour later but are due to lift off in a few hours so can’t explore or document the find.

All is well for the next seven months as they are en route to earth, only 3 days from home.  As they are watching football, there is an Apollo 13-esque explosion.  They lose communications with NASA (which is now apparently fully staffed by one oriental woman), and also lose half the oxygen.  Pete Claridge (Michael Dorn) finds some goo on a bulkhead and takes a sample.  It turns out to organic and multiplying.

Ed Barkley goes below to check on the equipment as the temperature soars to the 120’s.  Claridge says he is looking forward to getting back to his lakeside cabin, and gets a skeptical look from Al Wells, which plot-wise makes no sense.  We find out later that Claridge is an alien — why would the alien know everything about his host, but make up a cabin?

As the temperature gets unbearable, Wells goes nuts from the heat and turns the cooling back on almost killing Barkley.  Claridge — the crew doctor — decides to draw some blood from Wells to be sure he is OK.  And by “draw” I mean “inject” and by “blood” I mean “alien juice.”  When Barkley comes back up to the cabin, Wells is hiding a wound on his arm that is oozing green slime.

olvoyagehome02When Barkley spots this, Wells transforms into an alien.  Barkley forces him  into the airlock with a fire extinguisher. When Claridge re-enters the cabin, Wells has transformed into a human again and pleads with him to stop Barkley from opening the hatch.  Before Claridge can stop him, he blasts alien Al Wells out into space.

After they lose another power cell, Barkley goes below deck where he finds a space suit with Claridge’s body in it.  The alien Claridge catches him and fesses up saying they didn’t have time to eject that body.

His species is from far away and went to Mars hoping to be discovered. Barkley makes it clear he does not intend to allow that ship to return to earth.  Claridge seems like a pretty benevolent alient, and dangles the cure for cancer in front of Barkley.

They begin working together to save the ship, but when they get communications back, Claridge’s family is on-screen to greet him.  He pulls off his act very well, but Barkley can’t allow him back on earth.

Once alien Claridge sees what Barkley intends to do, he gets very self-righteous.  He says their species is millions of years old, therefore it is their right to take puny human lives to ensure their survival.  Barkley alters the angle of re-entry and they explode.

They get a  little too cute building paranoia at the expense of logic, but it ends up being another good episode.

Post-Post:

  • Director Tibor Tobaks’ work was last seen in Blood Brothers.  Other credits include Mansquito, Ice Spiders and Mega Snake.
  • Grant Rosenberg also wrote the previous episode.
  • Claridge is played by Worf from Star Trek TNG.  He does a great job here and I was surprised he had never done anything outside of Star Trek.  Until I checked his IMDb page and saw he has a huge resume; even including the original Rocky where he played Apollo Creed’s bodyguard.
  • OK, whales also come in pods, and they’re cool.  But they also come in gams, which are hot.
  • They are returning to Earth from Mars.  It is hard for me to envision a route wherein the sun would be at their backs:

olvoyagehome03

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Lake (S3E3)

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Oh, bloody hell.  I was pretty generous with the previous episode.  But how much can a man take?  And WTH — I though they were back filming in the USA!  That ain’t no American car.

Douglas is taking his fiancee back to the lake where he spent his summers as a boy.  He flashes back to the sand castle he built that attracted the attention of his first crush, Tally.  After it is knocked down by a bully, they rebuild it together.

Tally runs to the lake for a swim, but Douglas is afraid of the water.  This goes on for the entire summer until the day Tally is to leave the lake.

rbtlake03In the present, Douglas sees a sand castle on the beach.

In the past, Tally has disappeared in the water.  The lifeguard and other swimmers are unable to find her as Douglas waits scared on the beach.  Douglas wipes away half the castle, awaiting Tally to come back and rebuild it.  Eventually the rain and tide take it away.

In the present, as he approaches, Douglas sees it is really half of a sandcastle, just as he had left years ago.  He begins building the other half.  Out on the lake, a man in a rowboat is coming in.  He has found a girl in the water.

The girl is wrapped in a tarp and seems to be dead.  So what is the point?

And how is finishing the sand castle the catalyst to bring her back?  It would have made more sense for the sand castle to appear fully formed, and have him destroy half of it to lure her back to this world.  As a corpse.  Hunh?

The last shot is the tide coming in to wash away the sand castle.  Pretty much like this episode . . . a day later it will have left no trace in my memory.

Post-Post:

  • This is the Pat Robins’ only directing credit.  He (?) did go on to be Script Supervisor on two of the Lord of the Rings movies.  As his few credits were New Zealand productions, I’m assuming this episode was filmed there.
  • Exactly how big is this lake that has the tide rolling in and out?  I’m surprised there were no surfers.  The largest lake in NZ is 238 square miles.  By comparison, the smallest Great Lake is 7,500 square miles.
  • This was the story that impressed Bradbury’s future wife enough to go out with him.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – I Killed the Count (S2E25)

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Well, this had to be a rarity in the 50’s.  Episodes 25 – 27 of this season are a single three-part story.  I guess airing it as a 90 minute very special episode would have blown people’s minds back then.  Sadly, it was not directed by Sir Hitchcock.

Like most (or maybe all) AHP episodes, I killed the Count is based on an existing story.  It was a play written in 1937, a British film in 1939, and produced on Broadway in 1942.  Who says Hollywood just ran out of ideas?

ahpikilled01The boss’s daughter, Pat Hitchcock, cast as always in a non-glamorous role (though I can’t say it is against-type), is a maid bringing tea to Count Mattoni. Like most men, I suspect, he does not respond to her.  In his case, however, it is because he was been shot in the head.  It must have been very unusual for AHP and 50’s TV in general that the wound is shown, with a darkened circle for the bullet hole, and trickles of blood running down his face.  Very Lincoln-esque.

AHP regular John Williams is Inspector Davidson, on the scene from Scotland Yard to determine what happened.  The first witness is Polly the maid (Pat H).  She claims to have been mixed up in so many investigations that this is old hat to her.  She is “always losing ‘me’ job because my employer got arrested or shot or something.”

She last saw the Count when she was turning down his bed last night.  Not the first time she has experienced a turn-down in a man’s bedroom, I imagine. [1]  Polly says he was drunk and no gent.  She is dismissed by Davidson and we meet new academy graduate Detective Raines who has got to be relative of Simon Pegg.

The Inspector finds a letter from Lord Sorrington to Mattoni cancelling a dinner invitation.  Raines calls the Lord who claims to have never heard of Mattoni.

A Mr. Rupert has rented the adjoining flat, but he has never been seen.  Only Mullet the lift operator has seen him.  They go into his flat and find the missing cartridge.

ahpikilled02

What the hell? No justice, no peace, baby!

Back in Mattoni’s flat, Raines finds a letter addressed to an American, Mr. Froy.  Raines begins reading the very odd letter which pauses after a few sentences and the letter turns into a  play-by-play of the action in the room: “Froy has just come in the room, I can see him in the mirror, he has gun, if anything happens, you will . . . .” and then it stops.  Davidson believes Froy and Rupert are the same person.

Johnson the day lift operator says he never saw Rupert, but would recognize Froy.    Polly also never saw Rupert.  Mullet the night liftman can identify Rupert.

Froy arrives and says he was not at the flat last night.  Davidson shows him the letter and Froy admits he was there and confesses to the murder.  Davidson brings in Mullet to confirm that Froy is also Rupert but Mullet says this looks nothing like Rupert.

Lord Sorrington arrives.  He says he has never heard of Mattoni.  Davidson shows him the letter and he admits knowing him, but denied it because he was an unsavory character.  Then Mullet IDs Sorrington as being Rupert.  Finally Sorrington admits that he did rent the adjoining flat under the name Rupert.  It was just coincidence that they knew each other, he says.  Then Davidson products the letter with the address.  Having been caught in multiple lies, Sorrington confesses that he killed Mattoni.

Part II – Strangely, Hitchcock’s opening remarks are played twice before this episode.  Whether it was a mistake by NetFlix or AHP was just padding this episode out to 3 weeks, I don’t know.  Also not known: how the hell people kept this plot straight for a week.

Sorrington saved this bon mot for Part II: his daughter was married to Mattoni.  Did he think that wouldn’t come out?  She had left him a year ago, however.  Her time with Mattoni ruined her and devastated her mother to the point of death.  So Sorrington had a motive.  Sorrington relates in flashback how he killed Mattoni.  His gun was found at the scene.

Froy tells the Inspector he killed Mattoni because he was in love with Countess Mattoni, Sorrington’s daughter.  An incriminating letter from him is found on the scene.  He also relates in flashback how he killed Mattoni.

Louise Rogers comes in for questioning, but has no info.  Next the police question a dancer, Miss LaLune who lives on the same floor.  Mullet is questioned and finally confesses after his fingerprints match those on the Count’s bloody money.  At this 3rd confession, Davidson flips out to wah-wah-wah music.

Part III – Another duplicated intro.  Hitchcock gets winded as he gives a recap.

Mullet says he had lost at the track and was stealing a few quid from Mattoni each night as he was put to bed.  This night, Mattoni caught him.  After a struggle, he was shot.

All of the confessors are taken to Scotland Yard.  When they get some privacy, Froy and Mullet discuss “who drew the black ace” to do the actual murder.   When Sorrington arrives, all three say to each other that they did not kill Mattoni.

Ha-cha-cha, Aunt May!

Louis Rogers has come in and confesses.  She is the Countess Mattoni, the dead man’s widow, and Sorrington’s daughter.  She claims she shot Mattoni during a struggle and has scratch marks to prove it.

Raines points out that it is illegal for Davidson to charge all 4, so they stick to their story and can’t be arrested.  Raines whimsically opines that it is lucky the Count deserved to  die.

OK, he’s no Simon Pegg.

Post-Post:

  • [1] OK, that’s just gratuitous and makes no logical sense.  Why would they have even gotten to the bedroom if — pffft, not worth the time.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  Rosemary Harris, who played Spiderman’s Aunt May 45 years later, is still alive.  Also Pat Hitchcock and Jered Barclay.
  • John Williams is tied for the 2nd most AHP appearances, with Pat Hitchcock and Mr. Drysdale from the Beverly Hillbillies among others.  Strangely, all but one of Williams’ appearances are in the first 2 seasons. [UPDATE] IMDb seems to have re-tallied the results.  It’s rigged!
  • [UPDATE] Weird confluence:  Rosemary Harris, John Williams, and Anthony Dawson were all also in Dial M for Murder, but not the one directed by Hitchcock. For some reason, auteur George Schaefer [2] felt the need to remake it (or technically the original play, I guess) for TV four years after Hitchcock’s movie.  Actually, Williams and Dawson were in both versions.
  • [2] Schaefer has another one of those oddly fascinating IMDb pages.  He also remade Little Foxes for TV 15 years after the Bette Davis version, remade Meet Me in St Louis for TV 15 years after the Judy Garland version, remade Lost Horizon for TV (as Shangri-La) 23 years after the Frank Capra version . . . Jesus Christ, he also remade Arsenic and Old Lace, Teahouse of the August Moon, Pygmalion, Abe Lincoln in Illinois, Inherit the Wind, Our Town, Harvey, Anastasia, and others.  He also managed to squeeze in a lot of Shakespeare (more bloody remakes!) and two Barry Manilow specials.  To be fair, he was hugely respected by his peers, racking up an impressive list of awards.
  • WTH – Scotland Yard is 458 miles from Scotland.  It was named for the street it was on, not the country.