Category Archives: TV

Tales from the Crypt – Dig that Cat (S1E3)

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tftccover01Full title: “Dig that Cat . . . He’s Real Gone”.  But I wasn’t sure it was worth that much headline real estate.

This gets off to a very rough start.  Oddly, the calliope score here did not work for me as well as it did in The Man Who was Death despite this episode being set in a carnival.  I guess that’s why you pay extra for Ry Cooder.

Things do not improve with the 1) the use of a distorted lens, 2) having the camera be directly addressed as a carnival goer and 3) the appearance of Robert Wuhl.

Even Wuhl’s patter is awful.  He somehow entices the rubes into his show saying that it is “100% natural, no pesticides, but perhaps a homicide.”  The homicide part makes sense, as we will discover; but for the couplet to work, there has to be some point to saying pesticide other than just that it rhymes.  I expect more from a carny.  It’s like vaudeville for people with missing fingers — they use the same routine for years, generations; passed down from father to son, brother to brother; sometimes in the same transaction.  They would have had it polished to perfection around 1920.

tftcwuhl02He promises “two shows in one — the tragedy of death and the miracle of resurrection!”  He introduces Ulric who will be buried 6 feet under, and return to life 12 hours later.  Things immediately take a turn for the better as Ulric is played by Joe Pantoliano. Once settled in his grave, Ulric addresses the audience, flashing back on how he acquired this talent.

Ulric was a bum, er, Homeless-American when Dr. Manfred offered him cash to participate in an experiment.  Manfred came up with a way to transfer a cat’s 9 lives to a human.  Rather than sell this discovery to Big Pharma, or to some aging billionaires, Manfred decides the big money is to be made in smelly tents from rubes eating corn-dogs and funnel cakes.

Ulric is skeptical that the operation actually accomplished anything other than killing the cat until the doctor pulls out a gun and shoots him in the head.  When he reawakens, he is angry until he realizes that the doctor was telling the truth.

tftcwuhl04So they split the take as Ulric is killed on a nightly basis by drowning, electrocution, hanging, arrow to the heart, etc.  I can understand Ulric not fearing death, but it’s hard to believe he would subject himself to such painful events; unlike Cypher, he is coming back.  These things have got to leave a mark.  And is that bullet still in his head?

As usual, there is a great twist and justice is served.  Suffice it to say, Ulric finishes his story in the same coffin where he began it; just in a much louder voice.

This series and its source material revel in going over the top.  Robert Wuhl and much of the direction had the energy, but in this case were just too annoying.

I rate it 4.5 out of 9 cat’s lives.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Not a biggie, but Ulric is introduced as Ulric the Undying.  Technically, he dies every night; he just doesn’t stay dead.
  • Wuhl is best known, ironically, for a show that no one watched.  Arli$$ was on HBO for 6 years, and the joke was always, “Who is watching this?”  Literally, no one knew anyone who watched this show; it just wouldn’t go away.  It was Arli$$ the Undying.
  • Wow!  Writer Terry Black wrote Lethal Weapon, and wrote & directed Iron Man 3.  Oh, wait.  Oh, that was his brother Shane.  Awkward.

Outer Limits – Blood Brothers (S1E3)

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olcms05There is a real X-Files vibe in the opening seconds of this episode.  The music and lab setting could easily have been from that series.  The sense of déjà vu was heightened when I saw Charles Martin Smith who had played a similar role (in profession and haz-mat bunny suit) in the F. Emasculata episode of The X-Files.

In the Outer Limits episode, he plays Dr. Spencer Deighton, a researcher who comes up with a cure-all wonder drug that could eradicate all disease. His brother Michael the CEO-wannabe and villain of the piece, actually has a legitimate point: what if this drug mutated into the rodent or insect population?  Even in the human population, with all those extra mouths to feed, it could result in the deaths of millions by starvation. Now, that would have been a great story, but maybe too big for a TV episode.

Unfortunately, Michael undermines his cogent points by stating that the drug could “cut the world death rate by 1000%“.  And this guy wants to be my CEO?  Not even my latex salesman.

olbbmichael02aThe acting-CEO agrees and Spencer’s research is shut down.  Lab assistant Carl disagrees and injects himself with the drug.  Unfortunately he is observed by Michael who runs a decontamination procedure which incinerates him.  Again, good call.  Are they sure this is the bad guy?

Finally we get to Michael’s dark side.  He is not against production of the wonder drug.  He just wants to restrict access to the super rich; and certain CEO-wannabees, given the way his hand is shaking.

It turns out that he has concealed the fact that he has inherited the Huntington’s disease that killed his mother.  He feels that the negative-nellies on the board might consider his imminent death a disqualifier for the CEO position.  Whereas his poor math skills and general douchebaggery will not be an issue.

He discovers that Carl leaked news of the drug to Spencer’s reporter girlfriend Tricia played by Ellen Tighe.  Michael pays her a visit and inexplicably douses her with the wonder drug.  He then takes a dose himself.  And sure enough, it makes his hand as steady as the Waco Kid’s (no, the other hand).

My God! What is that thing on your face!

My God! What is that thing on your face!

Back at the lab, the monkey that was was being used to test the wonder drug is in pretty bad shape.  Michael reveals to Spencer that he has taken the drug.  It also apparently fixed his eyesight as he is not wearing glasses.  Spencer will not join Michael, so it is time for another decontamination.

Spencer escapes and Michael quickly begins withering, begging to be killed.  Turns out the wonder drug burns out the host’s normal resistance and leaves them defenseless.  So in trying to cure his Huntington’s, Michael actually hastened its effects.  Oh the irony.

A fairly somber affair.  Well-performed, but not a lot else to recommend it.  I give it 5 out of 10 cc’s.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • So Michael tries to kill Ellen Tighe by dousing her with a drug that causes immortality?  What am I missing here?  I appreciate that they take the time to explain why it did not kill her like it eventually kills Michael, but what was his goal?
  • OK, maybe it was the early-stage strain of the wonder drug.  But wasn’t all of that destroyed?  And it had an 80% mortality rate.  Maybe a tad high for public consumption, but not quite high enough to use as a murder weapon when you were face-to-face with your victim.
  • Probably it could be explained by reviewing the episode, but Hulu is absolutely fascist at making you rewatch commercials as you try to review the program.  And do they have to be the same commercials?  Although, that IHOP commercial does look pretty delicious.
  • And another thing: When they put up a 2 minute commercial, NEVER click the button that says “YES – this ad is relevant to me.”
  • Michael also was not wearing glasses in the opening nightmare that Spencer had. Premonition?  Maybe, but not really as Ellen Tighe wasn’t present in the nightmare.
  • Clearly it was not the good Huntington’s.

Tales from the Crypt – And All through the House (S1E2)

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tftcchristmassanta01aI usually skip the Christmas episodes of TV shows.  They too frequently use the same old tropes of a miracle actually happening, or the most popular character really being the most lonely, or an outcast character getting all squishy only to be an asshole again next week, or just generally being a downer.

But only requiring a 20 minute investment after pruning out the odious Cryptkeeper intro and the closing credits, I decided to give it a shot.  And it was really good.  I guess the exception to my rule is: If you can get an axe in Santa’s hands, Ho, Ho, Ho!

The episode starts out as saccharine as usual with The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting on an open fire . . . ), but it turns dark pretty quickly.  The step-father is established as an awful man certainly deserving to be murdered on Christmas Eve with about 2 lines of semi-cranky dialogue.

tftcchristmadad01aMom does the honors in what I must say say is a great performance.  First, giving him a nice whack to the noggin with a fireplace poker, then having trouble getting the poker out of said noggin.

When daughter Carrie comes downstairs thinking Santa has arrived, Mom hustles her back up to her bedroom, and fatefully opens the girl’s  window.

Now we enter the Weekend at Bernie’s portion of our program.  Mom puts plastic wrapping over Dad’s head, cheerfully tied off with a festive red bow to keep the blood contained.  She drags him outside into the snow as the radio warns of an escaped killer.  Her plan to toss him down the well is foiled when he suddenly reaches out to strangle her . . . after having had no oxygen for a several minutes.  Normally, I’d give this a pass, but if he had been breathing it would have been obvious from that balloon on his head.  After this brief surge, he just kind of poops out.

As she stops to take a breath, she turns to see axe-wielding Santa.  An icicle to the face and a swift kick to the Chestnuts enable her to run back into the house and call the police.  Remembering hubby lying outside in the snow, she hangs up on them.

It takes another attack by Santa to make Mom realize that she can pin Dad’s murder on Santa.  This is the kind of brainpower that lead her to think the well was a good place to dump a body.

In the meantime, Santa has crawled into Carrie’s open window.  The little girl is thrilled to see him even though he is the most disgusting Santa since Dan Aykroyd in Trading Places.

Seeing her little girl holding axe-wielding Santa’s hand, Mom gives an extended series of screams that, if they weren’t dubbed in from some horror scream library, one should be established in their honor.

tftcchristmamom01In all, another very well done episode.  I give it a 10 out of 12 days of Christmas.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Mary Ellen Trainor was in an incredible string of hits 1980 – 2000 when she was coincidentally married to director Robert Zemeckis.  Post-divorce, not so much.  However she got the gig, she was great in this episode.
  • Marshall Bell, who got about 2 lines here, played Kuato in Total Recall.  Or more accurately, his conjoined brother, and also the voice of Kuato.
  • The Cryptkeeper pulls a Hitchcock and assures us that Carrie was not killed.  No mention of her having to be institutionalized for life, though.

Ray Bradbury Theater – Gotcha! (S2E4)

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Note to self:  Do not make “fine mess” reference as it is only 50% accurate.

This is not quite a twin spin.  There is a story in the Bradbury book called The Laurel and Hardy Love Affair which tracks the first few minutes of this episode fairly well.  However, the short story becomes a traditional melodrama like early Vonnegut, while the episode veers into horror.

Strangers John and Alicia attend the same costume party as singles.  Improbably, they have independently elected to attend dressed as characters who individually have absolutely no identity without the other.

This is especially strange for Alicia.  At least John has the gut, the black suit, the bowler, and the mustache to sell himself as Oliver Hardy.  In a pinch, he could also claim to be a fat Charlie Chaplin or Hitler.  Alicia really just has the hat.  Never-the-less, once they meet-cute, she does exhibit a pretty good Stan Laurel vibe.

Alicia takes him to a staircase famous from one of L&H’s movies.  She had been filming a commercial there earlier in the day.  Inexplicably, the crew left a piano case there, but nothing comes of it.

rbgotcha01Then they go to a diner and and commence one of the longest, least erotic public displays of affection in movie history.  It is even more uncomfortable when done by a couple role-playing 2 dudes.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  However, that is followed by a really nice montage of their courtship.

Then things get weird.  Alicia takes John to a fleabag hotel promising to play the titular Gotcha! game.

She gives John white pajamas to wear, lights a bunch of candles and tells him to remain completely silent until the alarm clock goes off.  There is a nice shot where she is standing at the end of the bed, and we are seeing John’s POV.  Alicia says “Gotcha” and sinks as if through the floor, although the bed blocks our view.

rbgotcha06After several largely pointless shots of the candles, John, the alarm clock, and the shower head, Alicia suddenly reappears with a pasty face and puts her bony fingers on John’s face.  “Gotcha!”

The alarm goes off and she is her cute self again.  “Gotcha.”  John is terrified, in tears, and she apologizes.  For reasons unknown, he goes with her back to the same diner.  He seems to be PTSDing pretty hard.  She asks if everything is OK, if he would like to play the game again tomorrow with the roles reversed.

He says no, but as she is leaving dejectedly he says, “Gotcha.”  He says it with the blankest possible face, and it is impossible to attach any valid analysis to the ending.  Sadly, botched endings are becoming the hallmark of this series.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Alicia says that the original scene with the piano case was filmed 4,000 miles away in Los Angeles.  Unless this episode takes place in Ecuador, that is just about impossible.
  • It is weird that they made the effort to have the crate be so similar to L&H’s in some ways (placement of the THIS END UP stencil), but not in others (placement of the cross beam).
  • Brad Turner went on to direct 46 episodes of 24 — almost 2 full days — so he is forgiven.
  • The Laurel and Hardy theme song, used way too much in this episode, is Dance of the Cuckoos.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Legacy (S1E35)

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ahbabysitter03The episode opens with a voice-over describing “Palm Beach, where the sun spends the winter, and people spend fortunes to be in it.”  I guess sun is the “it” of that sentence, but it took a couple of rewinds for me to make sense of it.

We are introduced to what I can only assume is known as the “old money” crowd.  Or the old “money crowd”.  The “nonagenarian money crowd”, to be more accurate.

Writer Randall Burnside is in town to gather info on his next subject, Prince Burhan.  He is introduced by the geezers to Irene Cole, wife of oilman Howard Cole.  As is common with Hitchcock, this marriage is a little off.  Mr. Cole is hanging out with a floozy starlet, playing tennis, boating, while ordering his wife around.  Burnside is surprised to hear that Irene has the money in the family, yet tolerates this behavior.

The famous Prince Burhan arrives, either having spent too much time in the Florida sun, or having been made up just a few coats short of Al Jolson to represent some indeterminate Arab / Indian country.  He seems to be quite taken with Irene, asking her dance, then out to lunch the next day, and for a walk.  To be fair, her husband apparently believes what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.

We flash a few days forward and learn that the Prince is still spending a lot of time with Irene, sending her a bouquet of roses every morning, and wanting to party like its 1959.

Hanging out in a cabana, Prince Burhan makes clear his feelings for her, and Irene makes clear her belief in old wives’ tales.

legacy01The next day, Burhan kisses Irene and says he will kill himself if she doesn’t marry him; thus proving that he is not only a famous prince, but a drama queen.  She refuses and sends him packing.  Burhan dies the next day in a car accident, leaving Irene distraught with guilt.

Three months later, Burnside returns to Palm Beach.  The resort manager informs him that the Prince was after Irene’s millions, that he was bankrupt.  Somehow this is news to Burnside who has just finished writing a biography of Burhan.  This is why you never hear about the investigative team of Woodward & Burnside.  The manager, however, says it was an accident rather than suicide because the Prince’s mechanic had been in the middle of working on the brakes; also news to our intrepid reporter.

Burnside goes to New York to let Irene know it wasn’t her fault.  However, he sees the positive effect Burhan’s death had on them.  Thinking that the Prince killed himself over her, Irene has gained new self-confidence (and her own young actor boy-toy).  Her husband has become much more attentive seeing that another man could desire her (and no sign of his floozy).  Burnside says he doesn’t want to rob them of the Prince’s precious legacy to them and breaks the 4th wall: “Would you have?”

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • In a headline about his death, Burhan is described as Oriental.  In common parlance, that would exclude India.
  • According to Wikipedia, ”Oriental” is banned from legislation in Washington state due to being raaaaaaacist.
  • Once again in a Hitchcock joint, we have a woman disparaging herself and criticized by others for being “plain”, “ordinary”, “not amusing”, and (gasp) “over 30”.  At least this time, he did not cast his daughter.
  • Another unexpected 4th-wall breakage, just 2 days after Tales from the Crypt.  More jarring than effective this time, though.
  • Bess Flowers appears uncredited as an extra.  She might have been the most prolific actress in history.  She appeared in over 700 films, including 23 that were nominated for Best Picture.
  • Oh, Hitchcock, you so crazy . . .

    legacy02a

    Actual Closed Caption