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Twilight Zone – Stranger in Possum Meadows (01/14/89)

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Did I forget what the original Twilight Zone was like?  Are my memories of loneliness, terror, cruel irony and remorseless cosmic comeuppance just romanticizing an old TV show?  Because this series is becoming more predictably lame than the dark days of Ray Bradbury Theater.  I thought it was impossible for the narrator to be more miscast than Charles Aidman.  This new guy, though, has the edgy menace of an NPR host.

I like them french fried potaters.

The insufferably twee narrator introduces us to young Danny who lives in a trailer with his mother.  There is a glimmer of hope as Danny puts a toy boat in a stream “and follows a trail just to see where it goes.  But today that trail will lead Danny through a private reserve which lies just inside the borders of the twilight zone.”

Unfortunately, the narrator foreshadows the utter banality to come by speaking in the chirpy tones usually reserved for giddily introducing yet another goddamn segment on cowboy poets.

They even jerk us off — sorry, this has taken an ugly turn — by having the toy boat go through a strange white mist.  Is anything done with this?  Of course not.

Danny encounters a man walking though the woods dressed like Sling Blade.  The immaculate long pants and fully buttoned shirt should be a little disconcerting.  However, the man’s gentleness and the insipid score ensure no suspense is created.

After a sad conversation about Danny and his mother, Danny invites the man to dinner.  We get an idea what the man — named Scout — is up to when he mesmerizes a deer and makes it disappear.  They have a nice dinner where the scariest thing is a spilled glass of water.  Danny has a new friend, Mom is starting to take a liking to this new fella, and all is right with the world.

I’m not sure if this happiness was to set up the next scene, or if I’m just getting tired.  It is pretty creepy, though.  The next day, Scout meets Danny at the trailer.  Scout invites Danny to go exploring.  Danny says his mother told him to stay there until she got home.  Scout says, “I talked to your mother” and Danny skeptically says “You did?”  Scout says they’re all going to have dinner at his house, and they walk off onto the woods.  In fact, it is so chillingly creepy that I’m not sure that was their intention.

Dull story short, Scout is an alien (and based on that last scene, should be on To Catch a Predator) collecting specimens of earth life.  He is going to take Danny, but the thought of his own family makes him change his mind.

After a brief detour last week where TZ knocked off a teenage girl, it is back to the sappy vibe that sank this run of the series.  It’s like if Henry Bemis remembered the spare glasses in his coat pocket.

Despite the episode being a stain on the TZ franchise, I must say the performances were all very good.  There was nothing wrong with the script that a different script couldn’t fix.[1]  Just the tone was entirely wrong.

Pfft:

[1] The script was fine for what it wanted to do; I just mean, a different story.

Takes from the Crypt – Only Skin Deep (10/31/94)

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Carl goes to a Halloween party thrown by his friend Bob.  He is quickly busted by Bob because he was not invited.  Seems Carl just got a divorce and Bob’s wife decided Carl should not be invited.  Bob might be costumed as Lincoln, but he sure lacks Abe’s backbone.

Bob is clearly not a historian, though.  While his get-up does, admirably, include a bullet wound, it is in the center of his forehead.  Hey, Bob, John Wilkes Booth wasn’t firing from the stage, you know!  Every school kid knows Lincoln was shot in the temple. [1]

Carl’s ex Linda sees him at the party.  She quite reasonably asks if she needs to get a restraining order.  Then she tells Carl that you can’t make someone love you no matter how much you hit them.  Zing!  I hope they aren’t setting Carl up to be the protagonist here.  By the time he says he should have killed her and threatens his host, I speak for the audience in saying, what an asshole!

Carl goes into the kitchen and hurls a pumpkin against the wall.  He is witnessed by another guest in leather thigh-highs, platinum hair, and a plain white cat-like mask.  She overheard Bob & Linda, and sides with Team-Bob, which is a warning sign right there.  Bob asks what she is dressed as.  She answers, “a body-bag . . . a synthetic shell with a corpse inside.”  It might not read like much, but it is a beautiful response in context.  Kudos.

Carl goes back to Molly’s apartment.  She peels off the gear to reveal underwear that is much less leathery, and a lot of skin which is not leathery at all.  The cat-face stays on, though.  Carl jokingly — which is far out of character for this dullard — asks if she is making sexual overtures.  She replies, “I don’t do overtures.  The curtain goes up or it stays down.”  Again, kudos!

They have the sex.  At Carl’s suggestion, they leave the masks on.  There is gratuitous nudity of Carl’s butt and appropriate nudity of Molly’s boobs.  She tells him to really go at it and take his aggression out on her, but all he really does is some enhanced humping.  That’s enough for Carl to get a little girly, remove his mask and blurt out his real name and occupation.  It only takes about 2 minutes before he is his old violent self.  Granted, in those 2 minutes, he did find her collection of sawed-off human faces, so maybe this time he is justified.

He tries to remove her mask, but just claws her face.  She cries, “It was never a mask, Carl!  It’s the way  I was born!”  He is immobilized thanks to the drink she gave him earlier . . . hour earlier.

Everything does not need to be explained, but it just feels like too much is left unanswered:

  • What caused her to be this way?
  • How does her deformity lead to cutting dudes’ faces off?
  • She was at Bob’s party; does he know her?  He seemed to be enforcing the guest list pretty ruthlessly.
  • Carl has 3 separate visions of one of Molly’s previous victims.  Why just that guy?  Budget issues?

This could have been overcome stylistically.  There are a few interesting choices and compositions, but it is not sustained.  It really feels like one of those Hitchhiker episodes where something happens,  but for no descernable reason. We’re just supposed to accept that oddity in place of plot.

The “mask” is more off-putting than intriguing.  And Carl is so buff for a 40 year old dude that it is creepy.

I can see a good episode buried in here, but there were some iffy choices.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Even this is not accurate as he was shot behind the ear.  I guess it just worked for the old joke.  But the better joke is the one about Mrs. Lincoln.  Best ever, maybe.
  • Title Analysis:  Appropriate, but that’s it, no awful pun?  Plus we had Only Sin Deep in season one.

 

Outer Limits – Alien Radio (01/22/99)

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C’mon, who doesn’t love Joe Pantoliano?  Cypher! Ralphie Cifaretto!  Guido the Killer Pimp!  Cosmo!  Who doesn’t love Cynthia Nixon?   Oh, everybody.

However your mileage varies, ya better really like both of them because this is a close-up-palooza.

Stan Harbinger is the latest in a long line of radio people on TV that no one would ever listen to.  He is the anti-Art Bell in that he does not believe in conspiracies and UFOs; also, he is breathing.  There is a certain entertainment value in a maniac who buys into all that baloney (I’m lookin’ at you, Alex Jones; but not on You-Tube).  However, a skeptic as abusive and abrasive as Stan just comes off as a bully.

Stan wraps up tonight’s show by talking to a regular caller who is having a breakdown.  The man is distraught over his body being occupied by a parasitic alien.  Stan advises the caller to put himself out of his misery.  The man misunderstands and temporarily puts himself in more misery as he pulls out a lighter and goes up like a Vietnamese monk in the radio station parking lot.  As he dies, Stan witnesses a glowing alien emerge from the body and zoom off.

Fans of Stan’s show complain that he should have intervened.  He seeks a little self-medication in a bar and a woman buys him a drink.  He ends up having sex with Teri Bauer, which can have disastrous consequences.

When Stan invites a couple of “believers” onto his show to pacify the haters, it turns out that Teri is one of them (the other is a dude with an almost alien look).  They accuse Stan of knowing the truth — having witnessed it first-hand — yet refusing to warn the listeners of his show.  BTW, Stan describes Teri as the other guest’s cohort.  Cohort doesn’t mean an individual.  C’mon dude, you’re a professional — you use words for a living!  Your words go out to millions of people! [1]

Sloppy camerawork actually got some shoulder in this one.

Stan begins civilly, but quickly devolves to his nasty, abusive self.  His producer Trudy does her part by adding a laugh-track to his guests’ warning of a literal alien colonization; I mean, literally in the colon.

The man warns that humans could be acting as hosts for the aliens without even knowing it or preparing amuse-bouches.  The man who torched himself became aware of the parasite and freaked out.  Stan gets fed up with their insistence that he stop spreading fake news.  He physically attacks them and is fired — or de-platformed as the kids fascists say today.

Stan sees so much more evidence of the aliens that he eventually becomes a believer and wants to warn others.  He recruits Trudy to produce a new show that would be the worthy successor that Art Bell never had.  He even wants Teri Bauer and her “cohort” to be on the new show.  Unfortunately, they now think he’s a pariah and Trudy thinks he’s nuts.  And then some other stuff happens.

Not a lot going on here.  OK, some humans are possessed by aliens.  Where’s the suspense like in The Thing?  Where is the mystery like Invasion of the Body Snatchers?  Where is the futile chase like The Invaders?  It just feels like they kept add scenes until they had enough to syndicate the episode.

Stan discovers the truth before the titles.  He sleeps with a woman in the bar.  Why — what plot or character point does that advance?  Then she is one of his guests the next day.  Again, what does this revelation do for either character?

Luckily, Joe Pantoliano is such a great presence, he can make anything interesting.  And, to be fair, I unfairly pre-judged Cynthia Nixon.  She wasn’t given much to do, but she was competent and charming.  Just, for the love of God, stay out of politics.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Talking to the writer of the episode there, not Stan.
  • But seriously, what was with all the close-ups?

Science Fiction Theatre – Before the Beginning (12/10/55)

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Host Truman Bradley opens the bible to Genesis 1:1, although this must be the September issue as there appears to be about a hundred pages of ads before it. He reads, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and every living creature that moveth” thus proving my theory that Brussels sprouts are the devil’s work.  This introduces this evening’s theme: What caused the first spark of life?

Wow, now this is a fascinating subject!  How can they possibly do it justice in just 22 minutes?  I mean, the physics, the biology, the religious implications, the philosophical theories, not to mention the ethics of trying to create life in a lab.  Probably the best way to begin is to spend literally the first 1/3 of the episode establishing that Dr. Donaldson works too hard.

After a rare good night’s sleep, he is up at the crack of dawn.  His associate Dr. Heller helps him with a piece of equipment, but is shot in the hand by a stream of photons.  His hand goes numb, so Donaldson takes him to the infirmary which is surely equipped for such an injury.  The doctor says the muscle structure has been destroyed and can’t be regenerated.

Back at home, Dr. Donaldson’s father, credited at IMDb as Dr. Donaldson Sr., tells him maybe man was not meant to explore such things as how to create life.  Junior tells Senior, “You’re acting like a comic book father-in-law.”  Well, wait a minute, that’s his father-in-law?  Why do they have the same last name?  But then he tells his wife Kate that the man is “my parent” so I guess . . . oh, who cares?  Donaldson feels like Kate and this older gentleman are ganging up on him so he goes back to work for some peace.

After the commercial, Truman tells us, “In the course of the following month, Kate Donaldson experienced another attack.”  Another one?  When was the first one?  Donaldson Sr. takes Kate to see Dr. Heineman.  For some reason, her father-in-law is in the examination room while she is getting dressed — to be fair, she is behind a screen.  Dr. Heineman says the results “are a little technical”.  Since Kate is apparently the only person in the city without a doctorate, she is sent out of the room so the men can have an important discussion.  Discussion about her.  About her life.  And boobs.

As the door closes, with almost comical bluntness, Heineman blurts out, “She’s dying.”  The examination revealed “a disproportion of the body chemistry” and “it is due to the malfunction of some gland.”  How do you even mock something like that?

Meanwhile, back at the lab, Heller says Donaldson has created “something from nothing, matter from energy.”  Isn’t energy something?  When it is Donaldson Sr’s turn to look through the microscope, the little crystal buggers have stopped moving.  More importantly, Kate has another episode and her oblivious husband is too wrapped in his work to notice.  She collapses.  Donaldson finally notices her and says, “What’s wrong with her, Dad?”  Dad’s reply to him is, “Mostly your blindness.”  Oh, and also a fatal disease caused by some gland.

Kate lapses into a coma and Donaldson hates himself for being so absorbed in his work.  After an unprecedented 3 days away from the lab, he returns.  He is shocked to find Heller purposely firing more photons through his hand.  Heller had tried firing photons through the crystalline entities and they were reanimated.  The next logical step was his hand, which is showing some signs of feeling again.

Since Heller was able to revive his lover, Donaldson wants to try it on Kate.  They bring her to the lab and begin firing photons at her.  Yada yada, her condition is upgraded — seriously — from coma to regular sleep.  The doctors feel she’ll be snoozing within 24 hours and catnapping by the end of the week.

Donaldson Sr. might have his own issues.  Rather than just acknowledging his son has discovered the secret of life, he suggests that it was partly Donaldson Jr. saying he loved her that revived Kate.

With such a massive premise, this is what they came up with.

Other Stuff:

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Hero (05/01/60)

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Sir Richard Musgrave, Chairman of Consolidated Trust, is about to board a ship.  A photographer is eager to take his picture, so he must be a big shot.  He is going back to South Africa after a few years away.  The photographer says there must have been a lot of changes.  I don’t know about 1960 but I think now, yeah, he might detect some differences.

Musgrave believes he recognizes a man on deck.  He goes to the purser’s office to see if a Jan Vander Klaue is onboard.  Gopher says there is no one by that name in First Class as if Mugrave couldn’t possibly know any of the rabble down in steerage with Arte Johnson and Charo.  But there is no record of him anywhere on the ship.

Musgrave catches a glimpse of the man signing a bar tab.  Musgrave asks the bartender who the man was.  In a shocking breach of bartender / boozehound confidentiality, Isaac shows him it was signed only as Room 23.  He goes to the room, but decides not to enter.  Later in the bar, their paths cross again.  Musgrave has an officer introduce the man, but his name is Keyser.  After a mysterious trip to the Radio Shack, he has a steward give Keyser a note to come to his cabin around eleven.

Musgrave paces his cabin like it’s the Promenade Deck, waiting for the man.  He opens the door to see if the man is in the hall.  We see that Musgrave is in Cabin 25.  Wait, so the dude is right next door?  He also notices a newspaper article has been slipped under his door.  The article slows a picture of the man with a caption identifying him as Jan Vander Klaue.  The story says he was “a prospector beaten and left for dead in the veldt.”

The next day, Musgrave sees Keyser in the bar — if you ever need to find either of these two guys, that’s a good place to start looking.  Keyser says he was playing Bridge and could not come to see him last night.  Musgrave asks Keyser to have lunch with him, but Keyser says he is meeting his Bridge group, and leaves.

That night, Musgrave happens upon Keyser out on the Lido Deck.  How small is this ship?  The passengers of the Minnow didn’t cross paths this much.  Musgrave finally accuses him of being Jan Vander Klaue.  Twenty years ago they were partners.  They got into a fight and Musgrave thought he killed him.  Musgrave stole his money and built an empire from it.

Musgrave’s argument to JVK is that while he 1) beat him almost to death, 2) stole his money, 3) turned that cash into a fortune while never kicking anything back to JVK’s family, 4) married and had his own fine family, 5) outlasted the Statute of Limitations . . .  it would just be, well, embarrassing if JVK were to bring this up.  Oh my word, what would the other Lords and Ladies think?  How gauche!

He makes JVK several offers to remain silent.  At the end of Musgrave’s speech, the man says he has nearly as much money as Musgrave, and walks away . . . to a door marked — naturally — First Class Bar.

Later that night, Musgrave is nervously drinking in his room.  There is a knock at the door and he finds the man standing there.  He notices pictures of Musgrave’s wife and daughter on the dresser.  I know it takes a while to cruise to Africa, but do people really take along framed 8 x 10 photos?  The man says Musgrave’s confession puts him in a bad spot and must have also been painful for Musgrave.

He tells a story that just popped in his noggin about a similar circumstance he heard about.  A man was down to his last £75 pounds.  His business partner beat him almost to death and stole the money.  The man had set the £75 aside for a operation needed by his wife.  Lacking the cash, his wife died (or is stuck with her original boobs — the screenplay is unclear).

The next morning, Musgrave is so consumed by guilt and the liquor is so consumed by him, that he throws himself overboard.  There are several witnesses, though.  Lifesavers are thrown after the Skittles prove ineffective.  400 pound JVK / Keyser standing nearby even leaps in the water to save him.  There is a struggle, as often happens in rescuing a drowning victim.  They don’t usually put their foot on your head and drown you, though.  It is not clear who was doing the killing — I think they used some stunt-bellies to make it ambiguous.

When they arrive in Cape Town, Captain Stubing presents a trophy “to Mr. AJ Keyser for his heroism in attempting to save the life of a fellow passenger.”

Well done.  My expectations shifted a couple of times throughout.  One could ask why JVK kept that article for 20 years, or why he brought it on the trip, or why he changed his name, or why he was on the veldt when his wife was so near death, or why socialized medicine did not save his wife for free, but one would just be churlish.  Good stuff!

Other Stuff:

  • Oskar Homolka came off as such a brutish dick in The Ikon of Elijah and Reward to Finder that he appeared to just be playing himself.  Here, he was totally credible as the accused businessman.  Acting!