Author Archives: don

The Signal (2014)

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signalcover01Anyone who watches way too many movies and sees this poster thinks, Moon.  If you liked Moon, that’s a good thing.  If you didn’t like Moon, at least you’re in for a surprise treat with The Signal.

It starts off feeling like a thousand other horror movies, with a small group of friends on a road trip.  Somehow it has a handheld feel even though it is not handheld, and doesn’t even use the shaky-cam. Maybe because it has an unattached odd-numbered wheel character, often the camera wielder in those films.

Jonah and the couple, Nic & Haley, are driving Haley to Cal Tech.  The vibe switches gears a little, but smoothly, to techno-thriller, showing the two guys trying to track down a hacker that had targeted them at MIT.  So, no dummies these — a major deviation from most horror movies.

Then, it is back to a horror vibe as their investigation leads them on a side-trip down a dirt road ending at a dilapidated house.  They bravely search the house, even going into the Blair Witchy, Evil Deady basement.  When they hear screams from Haley, they race back to the car.  Then we do have a bit of shaky-cam action with bright lights and chaos.

signallf01Nic wakes up in government facility staffed by employees wearing hazmat suits.  Laurence Fishburne tells Nic that what they saw at the house was an EBE.  He is otherwise tight with any info about where they are or the condition of his friends.  For his part, his legs which required crutches before, seem to not be functional at all.

Nic makes an unsuccessful escape attempt with Haley in tow — literally — he is rolling out in his wheelchair with a tow-line attached to her gurney.  The attempt is so quixotic, that it almost seems like it must have been a dream; especially as numerous workers come absurdly close without spotting them.

Nic makes a shocking discovery about his condition, and attempts another unlikely escape with Haley.  This time they manage to escape the facility and find themselves in the desert.  From here they encounter some very strange locals, and they story takes another turn into the superhero / fantasy realm.

signallf02Throughout its twists, I was consistently interested and entertained.  Several reviews have complained about pacing, but I had no issues at all.  One went so far as to give the screenplay a D grade.  There certainly is a huge question at the end, but it is the kind best left to the audience to resolve for themselves.

If I had to lodge one criticism, it would be that the Haley character is pretty much a zero. She is the reason they are travelling to California, but not for any otherwise plot-relevant purpose.  She is absent or in a coma for much of the film.  She does not assist in the escapes, being literally a drag in the first attempt. While Nic and Jonah experience certain changes during their captivity, Haley really does not.  There is evidence of surgical tinkering with her body, but no overt changes as we see in the other two.  She is Winston Zeddemore.  Except white.  And female.  And cute (sorry, Z).

Very good stuff.

Post-Post:

  • Haley is played by the very cute Olivia Cooke from Bates Motel — I did not recognize her without the tubes in her nose.
  • My occasional prosopagnosia also prevented me from recognizing Brenton Thwaites from the very good Oculus which I just saw on April 12th (yeah, I keep track).
  • Wikipedia says Sarah Clarke (Nina Myers from 24) was in this, but IMDb does not list her.  Her, I can’t believe I would have missed.  Based on the trailers, I get the sense there were a LOT of scenes cut.
  • Not to be confused with The Signal, a 2007 horror joint that I liked.  Or according to IMDb, Signal which will be released in 2015, or The Signal which will be released in 2016, or The Signal currently in development (c’mon 2017!).

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Creeper (S1E38)

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ahbabysitter03The episode gets off to a good start with Reta Shaw as Mrs. Stone.  Anyone who has watched too much 1970s TV will recognize her from usually playing a bulldog of a cleaning woman.

Mrs. Grant has been waiting for the locksmith to install a chain on her door.  Her idiot lout of a husband berates her for being afraid of a strangler — the titular Creeper — that has been terrorizing the neighborhood.

Shaw and the new janitor are discussing the Creeper and Shaw opines that the women were probably asking for it: “Decent women don’t get themselves murdered.”

ahpcreeperwomen06Mrs. Grant’s husband is a surly jerk and they appear to live in the Kramdens’ old apartment. He has just been passed over for a raise, and is currently working nights like the husbands of the murdered women. When she asks if he can switch to the day shift, he berates her.  There is never any insinuation that he is the strangler, although it seems they are about equal in their respect for women.

Mr. Grant stops off for a beer before work, maybe explaining why he didn’t get that raise, and talks to his friend Ed who had once dated Mrs. Grant.  Ed does come off as a possible suspect.  When Ed points out that the victims had both been blondes home alone, it finally occurs to Mr. Grant that maybe his wife is legitimately scared.

Ed drops by the Grant home, appearing suddenly, to Mrs. Grant’s shock.  He says he came to keep her company but won’t say how he got in.  Mrs. Grant does not believe his story that her husband asked him to keep her company.  For good reason — Mr. Grant does not strike me as a guy who would send a former boyfriend to keep an eye on his property, er, woman.

ahpcreeperwomen03Plus Ed is pretty creepy, and does try to force himself on Mrs. Grant until some neighbors complain about the noise.  She uses that opportunity to ask him to leave.  Seeing the man, Shaw wastes no time accusing Mrs. Grant of being a tart who will get what she deserves in the end, just like those other two victims.

Finally the locksmith arrives as Mr. Grant calls to apologize.  Unfortunately, he does not apologize for sending Ed to keep her company.  She tells him the locksmith has arrived and he tells her the police are saying the Creeper has been pretending to be a locksmith.

ahpcreeperellen05Hands come into frame to choke her.

So, for the ladies, another love song of J Alfred Hitchcock.

 

 

 

Post-Post:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  All dead.
  • Christ!  Reta Shaw was only 43 in this?
ahpcreeperah03

To be fair, I’m sure he considers rape a close second

Grave Mistake (2008)

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gravemistakecover0220 Horror Movies for $5.  What could possibly go wrong?  Part VII.

What a nightmare — I watched this after a long flight, half asleep and hated it.  Wanting to be fair, I started writing as I rewatched it.  As I wrote about how awful it was, I kept finding nuggets that I really liked.  I finally got to the point where I realized my whole thesis was wrong.  So I got up early and went to Panera Bread to rewrite the post.  And the wifi was out.

To be sure, it fails on every objective technical level, but it does have some fun ideas which puts it ahead of a lot of movies not included 20-to-a-box.

It actually starts out with a good gag where a man’s legs are sticking out of the cab of a pickup.  They start jiggling a little, and given the genre, it is reasonable to assume he he is being chomped by a zombie in the cab.  It is revealed that he is just drunk.  I’m not entirely sure this bit of comedic misdirection was intentional, because it is so poorly directed.  On the other hand, I’m pretty sure this was intentional:

I have no patience for PC fascists, but this just didn’t seem earned.

The drunk, and the next two people we meet — a kid and a “slow” (I think he was supposed to be slow) man are among the worst actors I’ve ever seen; I mean, like Bill Paxton bad.  The next character we meet, bearing a striking resemblance to Jesus, is maybe the only competent actor in the movie.  At this point, I can see how I formed my initial assessment of this film.

We spend a little more quality time with slow-man Phil.  If his speech impediment and krazy camo hat were not classic DSM-IV symptoms of a mental health condition, then his sloppy sandwich eating skills clinch it.  Although, he has written a Zombie Survivalist Manual, so maybe he is some kind of high-functioning savant.

I have to give the movie credit for one of the greatest cuts since 2001:  From Phil chomping on a cream cheese sandwich, we cut to a Renaissance Fair style trio playing instruments that I can’t even begin to imagine what they are.  Also hanging out are magicians, jugglers and swordsmen.  I have a feeling the auteur happened to have friends into Renaissance Fairs and thought that might be a cheap way to add some atmosphere.  And he was right.  The new actors are also horrible, but the concept is such a great non-sequitur, that much of the charm of the movie comes from this quirk, which — bonus! — is actually integral to the story later.  That is already more thought than went into Die Hard 5.

Jesus, Phil and a couple of kids see the first reports of Zombies on the TV at Jesus’ garage.  For some reason, the newscaster is played by the same actor who plays Phil.  There were 112 people in this thing — they couldn’t throw a speaking bone to one of the Zombies?  His acting as the newsman is slightly less offensive than as Phil, however, he is wearing a bizarre hairpiece which more closely resembles a beret.

The attacks begin, first on a farmer and his daughter.  Credit to the movie for allowing the daughter to clock some Zombie kids in the head with big-ass rocks.  It is so unexpected, that it is good for laughs.  She also executes a very poor spin, delivering a kung-fu kick to a Zombie’s gut — but again, kudos for having her foot go right through his rotting body.  Good stuff.

A second couple, from the Fair, is attacked just as the man is kneeling, proposing to his girlfriend.  They begin chewing on the girl’s neck.  After some absurd projectile bleeding, the man goes to his car to get a sword. Alas, he is too late and swears, “I will avenge thee!”

The drunk from the first scene comes to Jesus’ garage looking for the kid.  He realizes that toxin he disposed of in a graveyard is responsible for this Zombie attack, and mugs relentlessly for the camera to show his guilt.  With our core group under one roof, they decide to make a run for the local armory.

Along the way, there are many Zombie kills, and the group meets up with more Renaissance Fair participants including a guy in a very handy suit of armor.

Really the only unforgivable sin is the acting.  Except for Jesus, the acting is uniformly dreadful.  I mean over-the-top, mugging, hammy, 2nd grade Thanksgiving pageant awful.  It wouldn’t have cost the director anything to tell the cast — especially the drunk — to dial it down to 11.  Maybe they were going purposely over the top like Raising Arizona, but did not pull it off.

The special effects were of course not Avatar-level.  But for a low-budget movie, I adjust my expectations accordingly.  I actually find the resourcefulness kind of charming.

In all, it was not a wasted 90 minutes as I initially thought.

Post-Post:

  • How do these small films like this or Awaken the Dead afford such enormous casts?  In this case, IMDb lists 112 people, 89 credited as “Zombie.”
  • While seeking refuge in a hardware store, a woman finds her weapon-of-choice, a hedge trimmer (more suited for dainty hands than a chainsaw, even the Lady McCulloch).  She is later seen along the road carving a zombie which presents a conundrum since it was a corded electric trimmer.
  • A Google search reveals there is no such thing as a Lady McCulloch which, frankly, kind of surprised me.
  • This same woman gets the award for most bizarre zombie kill — she shoves an umbrella in its mouth and opens it, causing its head to explode.
  • Credits for Shawn Darling: Director, Writer, “Zombie”, Producer, Film Editor, Makeup, Props, Sound, Camera, Special Features Camera, Music Editor, Score, Location Scout, Puppeteer, Visual FX and Compositing.
  • Heard on a TV:  “We interrupt this premiere of Shawn Darling’s Ghosts . ..

gravemistakehole01

 

Tales from the Crypt – Collection Completed (S1E6)

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tftccover01Starring M. Emmett Walsh and Audra Lindley, my first thought was Christ, don’t let there be a love scene.  I just saw one with Tony & Carmella Soprano and my stomach can only take so much in one week.

Walsh is a surly, bitter old man who has just faced mandatory retirement after 47 years on the job.  Now he and Lindley have more time to spend with each other, and that is not good news for either of them.  Lindley is probably legitimately nuts with her animal obsession, and this makes Walsh even nastier.

Eventually he takes up a new hobby — taxidermy — and the ending pretty much writes itself.  His first object d’art is a dog that Lindley had named after him.  He stuffs it, and further horrifies his wife with a remote that can make the eyes light on and off.  Tacky.

tftccollectiondog01The only question is which of these 2 annoying characters will end up stuffed.  You’d hate for it to be Lindley because she seems to have a real psychological problem.  You’d hate for it to be Walsh because . . . well, that would actually be OK with me.

Yet another botched ending as the character who gets stuffed absolutely should have been given the same blinking-light eyes that the dog had — leaving that out was just sloppy.

Post-Post:

  • Directed by Mary Lambert the same year she directed Pet Sematary.  Nothing much interesting since, although Mega Python vs Gatoroid sounds promising.
  • Co-written by Battle Davis who IMDb says died 5 years after this aired, at age 42. Also co-written by A. Whitney Brown; a very funny guy who seems to have disappeared from comedy.  Maybe this episode is cursed.
  • Please let this have been a joke, just so this episode has something going for it (even though there is no pike in the tank).tftccollectionpike01

Steven Millhauser – In the Reign of Harad IV

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reignharad01Another fun story right in Millhauser’s wheelhouse.

The first sentence pretty much sums it up:

In the reign of Harad IV there lived at court a maker of miniatures, who was celebrated for the uncanny perfection of his work.

As with Thirteen Wives, it is somewhat predictable how the story will play out, but the journey is such fun that it doesn’t matter.

The unnamed Master is richly rewarded by the King.  In addition to 2 apprentices, he has a residence in the palace, and an ermine robe that entitles him to take part in official ceremonies.

For a toy palace, he had created a miniature orchard including a basket of apples which was no larger than a cherry pit.  Upon each apple was a delicate stem, and on one stem, a perfect tiny fly.  This achievement opened up a new world to him.  In his next carving, he was driven to reduce the entire basket to the size of a cherry pit, its contents still ornamented by stem and fly.

The tale of his “invisible” fly makes him even more renowned.  Special lenses were required for the creation and appreciation of his masterpieces.  Astounding as these were, the Master could tell that the King was ready for him to get back to more traditional works.  The Master, however, was committed to constructing a miniature of the entire toy palace — itself already miniature of the King’s home, standing chest-high — which would be so small as to be invisible to the naked eye.  Each of its 600 rooms would be precisely miniaturized, down to the silver utensils in the drawers.

After discovering that his apprentices could satisfy the King’s more pedestrian carpentry needs, the Master was liberated to retreat further into his his shrinking world.  Soon they had their own apprentices, and the Master pursued his dream of an entire miniature city.

One day the new apprentices came calling to see the new city.  The Master allowed them to view the city through the special lens.  He had by now, however, moved beyond the visible world and there was nothing they could see.  Still, they lauded him for his craftsmanship, and took their leave.

The maker of miniatures, knowing that they had seen nothing, that their words were hollow, and that they would never visit him again, returned with some impatience to his work; and as he sank below the crust of the visible world, into his dazzling kingdom, he understood that he had travelled a long way from the early days, that he still had far to go, and that, from now on, his life would be difficult and without forgiveness.

I guess it’s pick-your-metaphor.  Is the Master descending into madness?  Has he just gotten old, humored by younger people, and is just turning inward to his own thoughts? Or is just a dude who makes really small stuff?

Post-Post:

Still available online as of this date.