Author Archives: don

Grave Mistake (2008)

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gravemistakecover0220 Horror Movies for $5.  What could possibly go wrong?  Part VII.

What a nightmare — I watched this after a long flight, half asleep and hated it.  Wanting to be fair, I started writing as I rewatched it.  As I wrote about how awful it was, I kept finding nuggets that I really liked.  I finally got to the point where I realized my whole thesis was wrong.  So I got up early and went to Panera Bread to rewrite the post.  And the wifi was out.

To be sure, it fails on every objective technical level, but it does have some fun ideas which puts it ahead of a lot of movies not included 20-to-a-box.

It actually starts out with a good gag where a man’s legs are sticking out of the cab of a pickup.  They start jiggling a little, and given the genre, it is reasonable to assume he he is being chomped by a zombie in the cab.  It is revealed that he is just drunk.  I’m not entirely sure this bit of comedic misdirection was intentional, because it is so poorly directed.  On the other hand, I’m pretty sure this was intentional:

I have no patience for PC fascists, but this just didn’t seem earned.

The drunk, and the next two people we meet — a kid and a “slow” (I think he was supposed to be slow) man are among the worst actors I’ve ever seen; I mean, like Bill Paxton bad.  The next character we meet, bearing a striking resemblance to Jesus, is maybe the only competent actor in the movie.  At this point, I can see how I formed my initial assessment of this film.

We spend a little more quality time with slow-man Phil.  If his speech impediment and krazy camo hat were not classic DSM-IV symptoms of a mental health condition, then his sloppy sandwich eating skills clinch it.  Although, he has written a Zombie Survivalist Manual, so maybe he is some kind of high-functioning savant.

I have to give the movie credit for one of the greatest cuts since 2001:  From Phil chomping on a cream cheese sandwich, we cut to a Renaissance Fair style trio playing instruments that I can’t even begin to imagine what they are.  Also hanging out are magicians, jugglers and swordsmen.  I have a feeling the auteur happened to have friends into Renaissance Fairs and thought that might be a cheap way to add some atmosphere.  And he was right.  The new actors are also horrible, but the concept is such a great non-sequitur, that much of the charm of the movie comes from this quirk, which — bonus! — is actually integral to the story later.  That is already more thought than went into Die Hard 5.

Jesus, Phil and a couple of kids see the first reports of Zombies on the TV at Jesus’ garage.  For some reason, the newscaster is played by the same actor who plays Phil.  There were 112 people in this thing — they couldn’t throw a speaking bone to one of the Zombies?  His acting as the newsman is slightly less offensive than as Phil, however, he is wearing a bizarre hairpiece which more closely resembles a beret.

The attacks begin, first on a farmer and his daughter.  Credit to the movie for allowing the daughter to clock some Zombie kids in the head with big-ass rocks.  It is so unexpected, that it is good for laughs.  She also executes a very poor spin, delivering a kung-fu kick to a Zombie’s gut — but again, kudos for having her foot go right through his rotting body.  Good stuff.

A second couple, from the Fair, is attacked just as the man is kneeling, proposing to his girlfriend.  They begin chewing on the girl’s neck.  After some absurd projectile bleeding, the man goes to his car to get a sword. Alas, he is too late and swears, “I will avenge thee!”

The drunk from the first scene comes to Jesus’ garage looking for the kid.  He realizes that toxin he disposed of in a graveyard is responsible for this Zombie attack, and mugs relentlessly for the camera to show his guilt.  With our core group under one roof, they decide to make a run for the local armory.

Along the way, there are many Zombie kills, and the group meets up with more Renaissance Fair participants including a guy in a very handy suit of armor.

Really the only unforgivable sin is the acting.  Except for Jesus, the acting is uniformly dreadful.  I mean over-the-top, mugging, hammy, 2nd grade Thanksgiving pageant awful.  It wouldn’t have cost the director anything to tell the cast — especially the drunk — to dial it down to 11.  Maybe they were going purposely over the top like Raising Arizona, but did not pull it off.

The special effects were of course not Avatar-level.  But for a low-budget movie, I adjust my expectations accordingly.  I actually find the resourcefulness kind of charming.

In all, it was not a wasted 90 minutes as I initially thought.

Post-Post:

  • How do these small films like this or Awaken the Dead afford such enormous casts?  In this case, IMDb lists 112 people, 89 credited as “Zombie.”
  • While seeking refuge in a hardware store, a woman finds her weapon-of-choice, a hedge trimmer (more suited for dainty hands than a chainsaw, even the Lady McCulloch).  She is later seen along the road carving a zombie which presents a conundrum since it was a corded electric trimmer.
  • A Google search reveals there is no such thing as a Lady McCulloch which, frankly, kind of surprised me.
  • This same woman gets the award for most bizarre zombie kill — she shoves an umbrella in its mouth and opens it, causing its head to explode.
  • Credits for Shawn Darling: Director, Writer, “Zombie”, Producer, Film Editor, Makeup, Props, Sound, Camera, Special Features Camera, Music Editor, Score, Location Scout, Puppeteer, Visual FX and Compositing.
  • Heard on a TV:  “We interrupt this premiere of Shawn Darling’s Ghosts . ..

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Tales from the Crypt – Collection Completed (S1E6)

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tftccover01Starring M. Emmett Walsh and Audra Lindley, my first thought was Christ, don’t let there be a love scene.  I just saw one with Tony & Carmella Soprano and my stomach can only take so much in one week.

Walsh is a surly, bitter old man who has just faced mandatory retirement after 47 years on the job.  Now he and Lindley have more time to spend with each other, and that is not good news for either of them.  Lindley is probably legitimately nuts with her animal obsession, and this makes Walsh even nastier.

Eventually he takes up a new hobby — taxidermy — and the ending pretty much writes itself.  His first object d’art is a dog that Lindley had named after him.  He stuffs it, and further horrifies his wife with a remote that can make the eyes light on and off.  Tacky.

tftccollectiondog01The only question is which of these 2 annoying characters will end up stuffed.  You’d hate for it to be Lindley because she seems to have a real psychological problem.  You’d hate for it to be Walsh because . . . well, that would actually be OK with me.

Yet another botched ending as the character who gets stuffed absolutely should have been given the same blinking-light eyes that the dog had — leaving that out was just sloppy.

Post-Post:

  • Directed by Mary Lambert the same year she directed Pet Sematary.  Nothing much interesting since, although Mega Python vs Gatoroid sounds promising.
  • Co-written by Battle Davis who IMDb says died 5 years after this aired, at age 42. Also co-written by A. Whitney Brown; a very funny guy who seems to have disappeared from comedy.  Maybe this episode is cursed.
  • Please let this have been a joke, just so this episode has something going for it (even though there is no pike in the tank).tftccollectionpike01

Steven Millhauser – In the Reign of Harad IV

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reignharad01Another fun story right in Millhauser’s wheelhouse.

The first sentence pretty much sums it up:

In the reign of Harad IV there lived at court a maker of miniatures, who was celebrated for the uncanny perfection of his work.

As with Thirteen Wives, it is somewhat predictable how the story will play out, but the journey is such fun that it doesn’t matter.

The unnamed Master is richly rewarded by the King.  In addition to 2 apprentices, he has a residence in the palace, and an ermine robe that entitles him to take part in official ceremonies.

For a toy palace, he had created a miniature orchard including a basket of apples which was no larger than a cherry pit.  Upon each apple was a delicate stem, and on one stem, a perfect tiny fly.  This achievement opened up a new world to him.  In his next carving, he was driven to reduce the entire basket to the size of a cherry pit, its contents still ornamented by stem and fly.

The tale of his “invisible” fly makes him even more renowned.  Special lenses were required for the creation and appreciation of his masterpieces.  Astounding as these were, the Master could tell that the King was ready for him to get back to more traditional works.  The Master, however, was committed to constructing a miniature of the entire toy palace — itself already miniature of the King’s home, standing chest-high — which would be so small as to be invisible to the naked eye.  Each of its 600 rooms would be precisely miniaturized, down to the silver utensils in the drawers.

After discovering that his apprentices could satisfy the King’s more pedestrian carpentry needs, the Master was liberated to retreat further into his his shrinking world.  Soon they had their own apprentices, and the Master pursued his dream of an entire miniature city.

One day the new apprentices came calling to see the new city.  The Master allowed them to view the city through the special lens.  He had by now, however, moved beyond the visible world and there was nothing they could see.  Still, they lauded him for his craftsmanship, and took their leave.

The maker of miniatures, knowing that they had seen nothing, that their words were hollow, and that they would never visit him again, returned with some impatience to his work; and as he sank below the crust of the visible world, into his dazzling kingdom, he understood that he had travelled a long way from the early days, that he still had far to go, and that, from now on, his life would be difficult and without forgiveness.

I guess it’s pick-your-metaphor.  Is the Master descending into madness?  Has he just gotten old, humored by younger people, and is just turning inward to his own thoughts? Or is just a dude who makes really small stuff?

Post-Post:

Still available online as of this date.

Almost Human (2013)

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almosthumanposter0179 minutes, including 8 minutes of credits.  That’s the reason I chose this.

On the oddly specific date of October 13, 1987, Seth Hampton frantically arrives at the home of his friend Mark with a story of their friend Rob being abducted by aliens. Understandably Mark and his out-of-his-league wife Jen are skeptical.

There is a lot to like about this movie, but also some minor irritations that arise almost immediately.  Either writer Joe Begos or actor Graham Skipper have made the rookie mistake of thinking that constantly saying “fuck” is interesting or intense or edgy or funny or real.  In fact, it is exponentially more boring each time it is used (unless it is on The Sopranos).  Of course, Martin Scorsese is still making this mistake, so it isn’t purely rookie.  In his case, it seems more like an old man giggling at his own naughtiness when his nurse isn’t looking.

almosthumanmark01Also, Mark has a manly-man beard that is so obviously fake that it must be real.  Begos proves himself a good enough director that he would not have allowed his make-up person to get away with this beard job.

Seth excitedly tells them about the abduction when suddenly the lights go out, and there are crazy ear-piercing sounds.  Mark goes outside, is hit by a beam of light a la Travis Walton and abducted.
Two years later, on the day Seth wakes up with a nosebleed, hunters find Mark nekkid in the woods.  Begos smartly skips this two year stretch, only cutting into the opening credits with a few news reports.

One of the hunters nudges Mark with the rifle, and he springs to life.  After letting out a Godzilla-like scream, he kills both of them and steals their clothes — this despite one of them being a bro in the manly-man beard club.  Begos again shows his skill, having Mark then do something mostly off camera.  Only later do we know what the growl and the hunter’s shaking foot signifies.  Good stuff

almosthumanmark02Seth goes to see Jen who doesn’t remember anything, and says he believes Mark is coming back.  He is pretty forgiving considering Jen had told everyone that he had killed Mark and Rob.

Mark walks into gas station, knifes a gas-pumper, shoots the clerk — both really well executed; so to speak.  He throws the one that still has a head in the back of the gas-pumper’s truck and heads to his old house.

At the ol’ homestead he sees the circular still-charred patch of grass where he was abducted.  Good times.  He peeks in a window and sees a woman vacuuming.  The phone is ringing, but is almost inaudible under the noise of the vacuum.  So when the woman picks it up, it seems like it is in response to Mark cutting the phone line — I had to rewind a couple of times to get what was happening.

The current man o’ the house, another member of the manly-man beard fraternity, is chainsawing some logs.  Mark shoots him and finishes him off with a beautiful axe to the head.  His wife screams, runs back indoors, and we get a short, nicely choreographed chase involving the house, the car, and a slashing.

Mark lines his victims up in the cellar and and impregnates them by giving the growl, shooting a tube from his mouth to the victim’s mouth, and passing an eggy lump through the tube.

He then goes to Jen’s new house and, in a great switcheroo, her fiance Clyde kicks Mark’s ass.  However, this is Mark’s story, so he does his growl, disables the guy, and breaks his neck.  Clyde has one of those pencil-thin strings of beard with no mustache, so really this can’t be much of a loss.  There’s a reason no one ever wrote a song about a pencil-thin beard.

The story is pretty well set up at this point and follows Mark as he pursues Jen.  She and Seth both put up a good fight.

I was shocked by how well done this movie was.  The score was great, with simple but effective stingers.  The kills were well-done.  And the acting was about as good as you can expect from a small production.

If I had to make a criticism, it would be the portrayal of Mark.  Josh Ethier just did not impart a sense of “otherness”.  While he didn’t come off as a regular garden variety serial killer, there really was nothing to suggest a possession or alien influence.  Maybe it was the beard — In the history of movies, has there ever been an alien with a beard?

I rate it 75 minutes out of 79 minutes.

Post-Post:

  • IMDb says this takes place in Derry, Maine, site of many Stephen King stories. Derry gets a mention, but the action seems to be in Patten, Maine (a real city unlike the fictional Derry).
  • I am not a fan of after-credits scenes.  What is going on?  Is that Rob?
  • Other goodness not mentioned above: Podpeople, and a hacksaw.
  • The reveal of the last kill actually got a verbal “Oh shit” from me, it was so well done.  Just to be non-spoilery clear — the last kill / impregnation made by a possessed human.
beard05

Manly-Man Beard Club. Not so fast there, Clyde.

 

Outer Limits – The Choice (S1E6)

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The good news is that this episode starts off with the great Thora Birch.  The bad news is that she is playing a 10 year old, and was probably 12 when the episode was filmed. Despite being a child, there is no mistaking it is Thora.

After an incident in school where she has induced a nose-bleed in a bully Carrie-style, her parents are called to the principal’s office.  Clearly she did not lay a hand on the bully, and there were a dozen witnesses.  But despite being played by Fox Mulder’s mother, the principal is not curious about the phenomenon; she suggests that Thora should be put into a special needs class.

As you do for every conflict in life, the parents get a lawyer; and the lawsuit makes the newspaper.  The article catches the eye of new-age bookstore owner played by another famous mother, Ma Calvin.  She makes a call and says she has another “prospect” in Oregon.  Minor coincidence as this is the location of Mulder & Scully’s first assignment.  But maybe Boston would have been more on-point.

The parents had decided to hire a nanny, and thanks to Ma Clavin, the perfect one has shown up on their doorstep.  Unfortunately 3 other candidates are also on the doorstep.  The nanny Karen is able to psychically encourage the others to walk off.  When Thora’s father opens the door, only Karen is left.

choicethora02

That’s more like it!

Aggie is resistant.  When Karen tries to get her attention with some antics more suitable to a 5 year old, Aggie finally speaks out.  Karen blows her mind by making one of her dolls dance.  Maybe I was just tired, but it kind of blew my mind too.

Now we learn that the government has an agent tracking down people like Karen and Aggie.  He is talking to another couple about their missing child who also was also had the power.  He also visits Ma Clavin to pump her for info on the missing child.

Eventually the G-Man confronts both Aggie and Karen, and he operates about as efficiently as any government employee.

Nothing special, but Thora makes the show so I rate it an American Beauty.

Post-Post:

  • For whatever reason, and there are many conjectures, Thora’s career has just about crashed.  She deserves better.  I’ve seen her in some crap movies, but she is always entrancing.  Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is working on her 15,000th 2nd chance.
  • Apparently “change gears” was the 1980’s word for “multitask.”
  • Sorry, Hollywood, you chose poorly:

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