Author Archives: don

One Step Beyond — Inheritance (10/27/59)

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Maybe One Step Beyond finally realized that there is just too much sameness in the episodes.  It is a problem that I harp on in every OSB post.  Repeatedly, I use the real estate or pizza metaphors to describe the narrow slice of the genre they exploit.  I point it out every week (i.e. year).  I mean, it just goes on and on ad nauseum.  Nobody likes to hear the same thing over and over and over and over, especially The Piña Colada Song (not even linking). [1]

So, host John Newland broke the 4th wall [6] this week like Rod Serling in A World of His Own and Ray Bradbury in that episode that I’ll be damned if I can find.  Although, Serling did not do it out of desperation, and I think Bradbury wandered off in a Bidenesque moment of dementia.

While his wife is shopping in Mexico City, Newland goes to a cellar bar where Jose the Porter fortuitously introduces him to an hombre with a paranormal experience that will allow him to write-off his entire vacation.

The drunken man says he was once handsome and could have been manager of an enterprise, or at least an Alamo or Budget.  He tells Newland his tale:

Irishman Michael Berry (the drunk mentioned above (but did I really need to tell you that?)) is waiting on his wife, Countess Ferenzi, as she gets dolled up for a night out.  Just as with Elaine Stritch in TOTU two weeks ago, she has all the dough and abuses her husband.  She treats her combination maid / scribe / hairdresser / bookkeeper Grace even worse.

While brushing the Countess’s hair, Grace hits a snag.  The Countess snaps,  “After all those centuries, could you at least learn to comb my hair!”  This makes no sense as these are humans, not vampires or immortals or DC politicians.  I admit, it did give me a brief, tiny thrill of hope that this episode might be something special.  Spoiler:  It passed.

The Countess orders Grace to fetch [5] her priceless necklace.  Michael is finally allowed in the bedroom to put the necklace on her.  Michael then goes to bring the car around since the sexist Flunkie’s Local 130  black-balled [7] Grace for being a dame.  After the Countess takes time to call Michael fat, useless, money-grubbing and beyond his prime; and to call Grace plain, jealous, and incompetent, the necklace strangles her to death. [2] As she lies dead, we see the necklace on the bed — in stop-motion — curling up.

Michael and Grace go to the attorney’s office for the reading of the will.  Michael refers to his late wife as Contessa, not Countess.  That Italian word is strange suddenly coming from an Irishman about his Austrian wife as they live in Mexico.  Only in America!

Her will leaves the house, necklace, everything else to Grace.  Michael is bequeathed 30 centavos for bus fare to see, “his young lady friend” across town.  ZING!

Some time later, Grace invites Michael over to her new mansion.  We learn that it was a double-ZING as the bus fare had increased to 40 centavos!  Well played!  Grace says the Countess had no right to treat Michael that way, but I notice she isn’t handing over any of the titular inheritance, or at least the extra 10 centavos.

Grace says Michael’s girlfriend is too young, the Countess was too old, but that she is jussssst right.  However, she spills the frijoles by knowing the girlfriend’s name, age, and pronouns.  She runs into the bedroom and Michael angrily pounds on the door.  Grace puts on the necklace and it begins strangling her too.  When Michael breaks in, he finds her dead on the floor.

Michael goes to see his girlfriend Nina.  He has the necklace with him.  Before Michael can sell the diamonds off one by one, Nina insists on trying it on.  The necklace, of course, begins strangling her.  Michael is able to tear if off her neck.  He carries Nina to the bed, then sees the necklace on the floor curling up by itself.

Back in the bar, Michael is moaning like George Costanza, “It moved.  It moved.” [4] A man in the bar says Michael spent 8 or 9 years in casa de locos after that.

This was no great shakes during the story, but the ending is just a trainwreck.  OK, seeing a necklace move by itself could be unnerving.  However, Nina did not die, so he still has a hot girlfriend with a Belichickian age gap, and a necklace worth millions.   His plan was always to sell off the diamonds individually, so no one else will die unless they choke on one.  So what’s the problem?  He should be more worried about what the policía have to say about his proximity to 2.5 murders.

Dutifully, John Newland tries to hammer this peg into OSB’s round hole.  He says there have been other necklaces that acted like this.  “Perhaps the vengeful spirit of the Countess managed to impart some sort of life — an evil life — into her necklace.”  OK, smart-guy, but it choked the Countess before this life-force would have been downloaded.  And, really, WTF did Grace ever do to deserve her fate?

Knowing he is on thin ice, Newland continues, “If you want a more rational answer, as Jose the Porter says . . . who knows?”  WTF?  Well, he does say it in Spanish, if that helps.

Not up to OSB’s usual standards.

Other Stuff

  • [1]  Seriously, damn you Sirius XM!  The 60s & 70s Channel plays this f***ing thing 10 times a day.  Released in September 1979, it barely even qualifies.  Seemingly the same length as Der Ring des Nibelungen, it is insufferable enough to drive me to Yacht Rock.  Hypocritically, I’m happy to make exceptions for the heavy rotations of American Pie and Hocus Pocus.
  • [2]  In another non-sequitur, Grace picks up the phone to call nueve-uno-uno.  The operator says, “Bueno . . . Bueno?”   After 25 years in South Florida, I thought I at least had bueno, hola, and puta down. [3]
  • [3]  I was double-checking the definition of puta in MS Copilot.  For half a second, it said: prostitute.  That immediately blinked out and I was instead given this BS PC response:

  • [4]  I purposely did not link.  I really hate those annoying cutaways to memes on You Tube — looking at you, Critical Drinker — and am trying to wean myself off of them.
  • [5]  Pedantically, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, only items with a value less than a flagon of mead may be “fetched”.
  • [6]  Well, I guess those two broke the 4th wall every week when they spoke to the audience.  In these cases, they took part in the story, so I’m out of walls.
  • [7]  Behind the Scenes:  Originally, I thought the phrase was eight-balled and translated it as ocho-balled.  At 7:50 this morning, I realized the phrase I was thinking of was black-balled.  I won’t be translating that one.
  • Hey, it’s TV’s Iphigenie Castiglioni (Countess Ferenzi)!  I wonder if that is the same Iphigenie Castiglioni from The Veil and Thriller .
  • Jose was played by Jose Gonzales-Gonzales, but I’m sure there are a lot of Gonzaleses down there.  If you saw an Iphigenie Castiglioni-Castiglioni, that might be a problem.
  • Because OSB disappeared from Amazon-proper, I was forced to subscribe to a streaming service within Amazon called Best TV Ever for $.99/month.
  • This is Episode 2.6 per IMDb and Episode 2.12 per Amazon.

Suspense — Collector’s Item (09/13/49)

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I watched the uncut LOTR: Return of the King at Alamo Drafthouse in January.  It was over 4 hours long and felt shorter than this episode.  So did January.

Customer Marty is buying a vinyl record for $.75 which is shocking because, I half-expected a wax cylinder.  The elderly record shop owner, Mr. Brockman [1] tells his clerk Fred that he is just the young fella to take over the shop.  He then goes to get a haircut.

A shifty-looking guy enters the shop wearing a fedora and 1940’s suit, but I guess that wasn’t really suspicious in 1949.  Fred profiles him as a Beethoven fan, providing the 2nd consecutive shout-out on this blog and, shockingly, neither refer to the dog.   

The man — Mr. Evans — asks Fred when he gets off work.  He gives Fred a wad of cash and his room number at the Griffin Hotel, and tells him to show up as soon as possible.  He says he really needs Fred’s help.  It is hard to believe there was once a more innocent time when this scene would not be viewed as squirmy as it seems now.

The shop’s upstairs neighbor comes down to complain about the noise from this awful TV show.  She threatens to call the cops and leaves.  Brockman comes back early because the barber was busy.  Hey, it’s 1949 — just wear a hat!  Fred is a good egg — he is genuinely worried about Mr. Evans, so goes to the hotel to make sure he is OK.

In the small hotel room there are several people, including a dame named Millie, his customer Marty, several gangstas, and Mr. Evans. 

They grill Fred about what Evans invited him over for.  Fred finally notices Mr. Evans is also there, covered in blood.  His final words are a warning to Marty, “3-3 drums”.

Fred awakens alone to find Evans dead.  Millie returns and warns him that the gang is trying to frame him.  The police show up, so Millie and Fred escape to a diner.  Millie says they were torturing Evans for government secrets and taking a $12 Snickers from the mini-fridge.  Fred concludes it must have had something to do with the records.

They return to the shop where the neighbor is trying to lure Brockman upstairs for a nightcap, perhaps to cover his unkempt hair.  Fred deduces that Evans was referring to a Drums album.  Fred discovers that played at 78 rpm [2], the record sounds like drums, but played at 33 1/3 rpm, it recites the nuclear launch codes!  And played at 45 rpm, it sounds like REM. [3]  

Brockman is in on it.  Evans was a G-man.   A cop shows up in response to the neighbor’s noise complaint and hauls them all in.

A pretty sad showing for Suspense this week.  At its relative best, the series is archaic and simplistic.  This was just too much, or maybe too little.  The story was LP-thin, the twist was Ludacris, and the background music muffled the dialogue.  Most of the episodes so far at least tried to manufacture some suspense, but this was just very ♭.

I rate it 16 rpm. [4]

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Julian Noa (Brockman) was born in 1879, before phonograph records were invented.  Lon McCallister (Fred) died in 2005, so mostly outlived records.  
  • [2]  Most of the records in the shop would have been 78’s.  They had only started being replaced by 33 1/3’s in 1948.
  • [3]  The fastest song I could think of.  Would also have accepted Flight of the Bumble Bee or Life is a Rock.  That one is fun because you get excited when you can actually make out a couple of words — like with Bob Dylan in concert.  BTW, I know 78 rpm is faster than 45 rpm, but it’s getting late.
  • [4]  16 rpm was an actual standard that was an option on record-players of the day.  Music historians believe it was a brief effort to silence the insufferable Miles Davis which failed (i.e. you could still hear the caterwauling [5] ).  Scientists and humanitarians eventually found a solution in the 0 rpm format.  

[5]  Technically hep-caterwauling, I guess.

Tales of the Unexpected — My Lady, My Dove (04/19/80)

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Ach du Lieber! Sometime during my brief time away, TOTU disappeared from Amazon Prime. So I skimmed this episode on DailyMotion last night to see what I had to look forward to. When I went back tonight, it was gone from DailyMotion too. However, it is still on You Tube. With any luck, it will now disappear from You Tube — because it looks dreadful.

Arthur Beauchamp is lounging comfortably on his couch enjoying a fifth. [1]  Sadly, it is of Beethoven, not liquor.  Pamela unplugs his headphones which are quaintly enormous and tethered to his stereo.  For a couple of seconds, we are treated to the mellifluous, melodious sounds of the orchestra.  Then Pamela speaks in a raspy, cringe-inducing smoker’s voice that could peel the wallpaper off a grape. [6]

On the plus side, they have a pretty good exchange:

“I’m listening to Beethoven “

“Wrong, you’re listening to me!”

The overbearing older woman says she has an idea.  Roald Dahl’s intro informed us she that she has all the money in the marriage and Arthur is a kept man. This dominance is clear from the first frame as she obnoxiously bosses Arthur around. If she joined the cast of The Golden girls, Bea Arthur would be the hot one. [2]

Pamela chastises him for not being grateful for her large ass largesse. [3] She says “not many people sit around listening to Beethoven in the middle of the afternoon.” Least of all, Mrs. Beethoven, I imagine.

She threatens him with cutting off his allowance and making him get a job.  He reminds her that he brings her breakfast in bed on the maid’s day off.  But she really just wants to be listened-to.

Pamela is bored.  She is only interested in the couple — the Snapes — that will be visiting them this weekend.  Well, not interested in them, but they are great competitors at Bridge.  She has come up with an idea to make the evening exciting after the Bridge game.  Thank God, being English, it is not an orgy.  

After making Arthur guess, Pamela reveals her idea: To listen . . . a first for her.  She instructs Arthur to put a microphone in their guest bedroom.  He is, still being English, mortified — and that is BEFORE she told him her plan.  They argue in a frankly too-long scene.  She finally wins him over by saying, “I’ll tell you where I hid the feather-duster” which just baffles me.

The Snapes show up just as Arthur is finishing wiring up the microphone and speaker.  I agree with Arthur’s initial reaction — this is an appalling violation of their privacy!  Hmmm . . . OTOH Sally Snapes is about 30 years younger than Pamela.  Can we maybe get some video on this thing?

They have a good game and knock off around 11:00.  Arthur and Pamela run giddily upstairs to listen in on their young, sexually-viable guests.  It has taken 3/4 of the runtime to get to this point.  I’ll sum up the last 1/4 in one sentence: The Snapes were cheating at cards.  That’s it — no murder, no aliens.  The first time I watched this, I was gob-smacked at how the episode just stopped.  It seemed like the most anti-climactic ending since Conclave. [4] 

Three things getting back to this blog reminded me:  1) It isn’t always about a surprise ending (aka the “Ray Bradbury Theory theater Theater theory” conjecture) [5], 2) My first impulse is usually wrong (aka the “just put on the f***ing condom” proposition), and 3) WordPress Blocks is the worst software innovation in the history of computing.  Why oh why didn’t I follow Danica to Go Daddy! 

So now that the dust has settled, here is the truth:  This was a another good TOTU episode.  Elaine Stritch is indeed immediately annoying, but dang if she does not win you over quickly with her energy and sharp delivery.  Arthur is likeable, and the Snapes have some fine moments.  I feel like the 6 minutes that I impulsively reduced to one sentence did not exploit the sexual misdirect as well as it could have.  However, they did it in their own way and moved on to their marital dysfunction and card-counting technique. 

Treating the reveal as a shock or twist just deflates a pretty good production.  It is a lesson that will stay with me for minutes.  Well played!

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Never really thought about it until now, so I looked it up. You never hear “a fifth” of liquor referred to anymore unless it is in a joke or whatever that was above. It refers to 750 ML which is about a fifth of a gallon. BTW, it is labeled as “750 ML” because “26 Ounces” would make you realize how absurdly expensive this rotgut is.
  • [2]  OK, there are 3 other GGs, but I don’t even want to think about it.
  • [3]  Actually, she is in pretty good shape.
  • [4]  Also no murder, no aliens.
  • [5]  “Ray Bradbury Theory theater Theater theory” might be the hardest tongue-twister in history.  After a fifth, I mean.
  • [6]  I wanted to see if I had coined a totally unique new phrase.  MS Copilot chastised me:  “The request to ‘peel the wallpaper off a grape’ is nonsensical. Grapes do not have wallpaper and cannot be peeled in the same way.”  Gee, thanks AI!  Ooooh, I’m so scared of you!
  • Elaine Stritch was last seen in William & Mary.  30 years later she would play Alec Baldwin’s mother in 30 Rock.
  • Title Analysis:  No idea.
  • Shame on me.  Contract Bridge and I couldn’t work rubber into the post.  Also not pictured:  Full-Contact Bridge, and If You Build a Thousand Bridges . . . 

Lights Out! — Beware This Woman (12/04/50)

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Taking the place of Science Fiction Theatre is a series that I do not remember at all despite it spanning 6 years.  But then that is true of my college career also.

Famous scientist Dr. Lawson is alone in his bedroom, pumping away, when his housekeeper busts in.

Happily, we see that the cylindrical object in his hand is a tire pump.   Mrs. Abernathy chastises  him for blowing up an air mattress every night rather than an inflatable woman or, say, buying a mattress.  He claims this is a time-saver.  Note to self . . .

A young woman has come to visit him.  Mrs. Abernathy says she arrived riding a strange four-legged animal with a sharp horn.

The woman suddenly appears in Lawson’s bedroom and introduces herself as Mercy Device.  He replies, “Well, there’s not much I can do about that”.  Her name and his reply already display more wit than most shows covered here.  There might be some hope for this one.

She asks if he will spend the weekend with her at her house in Wakefield.  She assures him there will be no shenanigans, although the O’Flanagans might drop by for some backyard Camogie [1].  No, her request is due to the intrusion of a poltergeist.  Because who wants an uninvited guest suddenly appearing in their bedroom late at night, disturbing their routine?

Dr. Lawson seems to be unfamiliar with the term, or maybe he just put it out of his mind after seeing the godawful 2015 remake.  She describes it as an imp, a ghost which has fastened itself to her and gives her no peace.  Kudos for him amusingly looking her over before she tells him it is invisible.

As a man of science, he suggests that she take her story to the “fakers” at the Psychical Research Trust (PRT).  Shockingly, they only wanted to exploit her story in the media for big bucks.  After hearing their bullshit, she is appealing as a last resort to legitimate scientists for accurate, non-biased information, like the media did 5 years after COVID.  Some of the media.

He agrees to spend the weekend at her place.  She says her car is right outside, although Mrs. Abernathy still insists she arrived on some sort of horned beast.

No, it doesn’t

Upon Lawson arriving at Mercy’s place, the poltergeist immediately begins showing off.  He is subjected to flying papers, books, and dishes.  It even speaks — in a man’s voice even though Mercy had named it Caprice [insert trans reference here] [3].  After witnessing all of this evidence, Dr. Lawson breaks with his life-long distinguished academic and scientific experience and kisses a girl.

However, she has already called the “fakers” from MSNBC PRT for an alt-reality opinion.  Dr. Lawson invites an actual scientist — Dr. Pearly — to consult.  After seeing some witch-like symptoms in Mercy and learning she comes from Salem, Pearly and Lawson take a roadtrip.

Consulting the Salem County Clerk, they learn that a witch named Mercy Device was hung in 1682.  She actually still has a debt on the books.  In a law that we should revive, Mercy Device was billed for “the cost of the hanging, a new gallows, and food for the magistrate.”  Although, under the new law, I propose that we require payment in advance.

I’d like to think that bandage placed right in the middle of his forehead was an intentional bit of whimsy. It’s the first episode — a fella can dream . . .

Lawson magnanimously pays the debt, so “Caprice” disappears back to the lady poltergeists’ locker-room.  This also “cures” Mercy of being a witch, although I’m still not clear why that was such a burden on her other than riding a horned beast. [2] 

Lawson asks Mercy to marry him, and there is some 4th wall breakage:  Dr. Lawson literally closes a tiny curtain on the scene and, presumably, Mercy test-drives her new horned beast.

This series predates the antediluvian Suspense by 3 years, yet somehow seems a little fresher.  There is less of the intrusive organ.  The dialogue is snappier.  The actors are not hamming it up like they are playing to the back row of a theater.

Ironically, though, I felt like I was watching a stage production.  Like a few episodes before it, it is OK for the time, but even that is grading on one big-ass curve.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  No, me neither.
  • [2]  Present day Mercy is not actually related to the Mercy from 1682.  When she was executed, OG Mercy cast a curse on anyone named Mercy Device.  Really?  That seems to be some crazy narrow-casting.  What were the odds anyone ever would be named that?
  • And why curse anyone with her name, anyways?  Why not cast a much larger net by using the magistrate’s name?  Bartholomew Gedney?  Oh.
  • [3]  Not an oversight — I was in a grammatical corner than I couldn’t make work at 4:55 am.  BTW, I asked MS Copilot about the name Caprice and it said the name was derived from the word caprice.  Thanks AI!  Oooh, I’m so scared of you!
  • There seems to be a lot of info missing on the series.  This appears as the very first episode on Tubi, but is listed as Season 3 Episode 15 on IMDb.
  • Veronica Lake (Mercy) was last seen in I Married a Witch.  She first appeared here in Flight Overdue.
  • Glen Denning (Lawson) did not have much of a career.  That is too bad, because he was good in this role which vaguely channeled Cary Grant in Bringing Up Baby.
  • Director Laurence Schwab had another one of those bizarre IMDb careers:  He directed 52 episodes of TV — 49 of them 1949 – 1951.
  • Oddly, there are a mere combined five other credits for writers Grace Amundson and Douglas Wood Gibson.  Compared to Suspense, Science Fiction Theatre, or Tales of Tomorrow, this was Shakespeare.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents — The Gloating Place [1] (05/16/61)

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Warning!  Warning!  Marta Kristen sighting!

Never thought about it as a kid, but how did Mrs. Robinson manage to crank out a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head? [2]

Once again, I am reminded that Hollywood knows nothing; they just get lucky once in a while.  How is it possible I have never seen Marta Kristen in anything else other than Lost in Space . . . ever?  At the very least, she should have been a Bond Girl.  No, a Triple-A Bond Girl!

As the beautiful Marjorie, she provocatively descends the staircase, oozing sexuality . . . oh wait, it is the steps of her High School, and she was 15 when this was made.  Er . . . consider future remarks to be about her Lost in Space days when she was a respectable 20 and fully dressed in Reynolds Wrap (although, with the shiny side out, the tart!).

Her friend Susan tells her to go ahead and walk home without her, that she is sticking around for a while.  We quickly see that she is hanging back to wait for high school hunk Tom.  Despite Susan being portrayed by a too-pretty actress, Tom casually dismisses her and heads straight for Marjorie.

After being mocked by less-attractive classmates, Susan takes the walk-of-shame home, unwisely taking the shortcut-of-shame through the woods.  She stops at a small lake and looks at her reflection (which would be impossible from her position, BTW).  After hearing voices telling her she is a nothing, she throws rocks at her reflection (actually, it would be the reflection of the camerman.  Acting!).  Voices tell her to make herself important.  She tears a few pieces of her clothing and goes running, screaming out of the park.

The police, not yet defunded, go to her home to question her.  Since a Democrat is not suspected, the press also arrive to ask a lot of questions.  Strangely, they are very jovial and try to get Susan to smile after her assault.  The cops take her downtown to pick the assailant out of a line-up.

After her story appears in the newspaper, she is suddenly very popular.  Even Tom elbows Marjorie aside to walk home with Susan.

Just to be clear, that is Marta on the right.  She is too beautiful even for distortion to ruin her picture.

Her fame is short-lived, however.  The next day, Susan suffers a great personal tragedy as 2 of her classmates are killed in a climbing accident.  They knock her right off the front page, and Tom goes back to Marjorie.  

BTW, the actor playing Tom is 9 years old than Marta.  I understand that there is a standard 9 – 30 year minimum age gap in TV couples, but how early does that start?  What if she was 12 — Yikes! [3]

That night, Susan calls Marjorie who, conveniently, lives on the next street over.  They meet in the alley where Susan kills her friend.

Susan goes back to the lake, holding today’s newspaper, just like our ancestors did every morning.  As she is confessing to the cameraman’s reflection, an actual strangler, matching her fabricated description, comes up behind her and strangles her.  

Kind of a lackluster outing despite Marta Kristen.  Problem #1 was that Susan, though crazy, was very attractive.  Mostly, though, the story does not hold up.  What has she really gained by killing Marjorie?  Susan craved fame and attention, but this is just going to make Marjorie more famous.  I guess she did remove the competition for Tom, and validate her police report, but those were really secondary issues.   

Her death did complete the circuit and issue a good dose of trademark AHP comeuppance, but it seemed a little simple.  I expect more from writer Robert Bloch.

Other Stuff:

  • [1]  Not to be confused with MSNBC last Monday night.
  • [2]  Same as that tramp Kate Bradley over at the Shady Rest.  Guess that was early 1960s DEI.
  • [3]  Accordingly, Marta was scouted as an early candidate to play Lolita.  
  • Susan Harrison (Susan) was the ballerina in TZ’s Five Characters in Search of an Exit.  She looks like someone current, but I can’t figure out who.
  • Creative naming conventions on this episode:  Tom plays Tom, Susan plays Susan, Eve plays Eve, and Marta plays Marjorie.  I guess Marta was too ethnic for 1961 TV.  There is an Eve (reporter) and an Eva (student).  Why why why???
  • But more about Marta:  This beauty was born in Norway to a Finn and a German.  Only in America!
  • For more critical info (i.e. pictures of Marjorie and Susan), check out Jack’s write-up at bare*bones.  Also, more info on Marta at her website.
  • The next post would be Science Fiction Theatre, but thank Gott, I finished that series.  I need a new one, preferably 30 minutes, and old enough so that most everyone involved is dead.