This is the point where I think I can safely say the IMDb ratings are a crock — this episode is rated 3rd best in the series.

What I imagine happened was that Morton Downey Jr. maybe had a kid that was a fan of the show and he offered his services to HBO during the 2 weeks in his career where he was a hot commodity.

HBO seized the opportunity, however only had a half-written script available for production — only 21 minutes long and no twist.  “What the hell,” they decided.  “This guy’s career is on fire!  His personality can carry the show!”

And here we are.

Morton Downey Jr. hosts a Ghosthunters-esque reality show.  He goes into a haunted house, some things happen, his production crew looks on with bug-eyes, he dies.  That’s really all there is to it.

Post-Post:

• I got nuthin’, they got nuthin’.

Suzy and Paul are celebrating their anniversary with friends in their penthouse apartment.  Their guests must not have read the anniversary invitation because they are dressed in Halloween costumes — a viking, a convict; even Suzy has little bunny ears.  Paul’s suspenders are not wide enough to be Gordon Gecko and he’s not wearing glasses, so he’s not Larry King.

After the guests leave, Paul goes inside to get Suzy’s present.  She notices their neighbors come home and their terrace has a perfect view into their apartment.  After short argument, the man picks up a lamp and really nails his wife.  The motion and sound are brutal.

Amazingly she gets back up and continues running her yap.  Then he rips out the curtain cord and strangles her.

Suzy witnesses this, but is unable to tell Paul as the trauma has left her with hysterical muteness.  And maybe also hysterical writer’s cramp as she doesn’t bother to just jot down that a woman was just murdered.

Paul runs out to get a doctor, which turns out to be the murderous neighbor (Richard Thomas, last seen in The Outer Limits).  Sadly, the director totally botches the reveal of Thomas as the doctor.

Only when Paul tells him that this happened on the terrace does he realize that Suzy witnessed the murder.  When she tries to attack the doctor, he shoots her with a gigantic syringe, and takes her to the sanitarium that he runs.

He installs her in a straitjacket and checks her into a padded room.  The doctor has his own medical problem, a heart condition which requires medication in times of stress.  Murdering your wife is not enough to bring it on, but being witnessed murdering your wife can set it off.

On Paul’s next visit, Suzy is in her straitjacket, and strapped to a gurney in her padded cell.  Despite this, she is able to communicate with Paul as he tries to guess what happened on the terrace.  When he guesses she saw the doctor do something bad, he gets a syringe in the neck from the doctor.  As Suzy watches helplessly, the doctor breaks her husband’s neck.

When the doctor enters her room to prepare her for a lobotomy, she attacks him, trying to gouge out his eyes.  He regains control and begins choking her, but he starts having the problem with his heart.  He begs Suzy to call the nurse for his pills, then remembers, “but you can’t speak.”

Seeing a little bit of justice being served, Suzy says, “Oh yes I can,” and let’s him die.

Like the reveal of the doctor, this is played very matter-of-factly.  It is a great twist that she has regained her voice but purposely remains mute in order to let the him die.  The irony could have been emphasized more, especially in a TFTC episode.

Richard Thomas can always be counted on to deliver.  Patricia Clarkson gives a great performance on top of her great offbeat beauty.  The direction — or maybe it is just the set design — stands out with the use of levels and windows.  There are several nicely composed shots, but there are some directorial problems.

As mentioned, the reveals are not handled well.  Also, Richard Thomas’ performance is at a different tone the rest of the cast.  I enjoyed the episode, but it would have been even better had the director followed Thomas’ lead.

Nice composition!

Post-Post:

• The only TV directing credit for Jim Simpson.
• One of three writing credits for Nancy Doyne.

A carnival barker is rounding up rubes to see the Freak Show.  If he had shortened his spiel, he might have squeezed in one more show per night.  After an interminable intro, he lets the people in.

After the Fat Lady and the Midgets, he brings out Enoch the 2-Faced Man who is exactly what he sounds like.  I’m not a fan of birth defects as entertainment, so no pictures.  Being obese isn’t a birth defect, but I’m no fan of Fat Ladies either, so no pictures of her either.

A well dressed man — a tuxedo at the carny — shows up in Mr. Sickles’ trailer.  He is played by Mark Rolston, the Space Marine from Aliens.  No, not Hicks, not the robot, not the black guy, not the women, not Bill Paxton, not the Lieutenant . . . the other guy.  Yeah, him.

He has come into possession of a Mummy which he wishes to sell to the carnival.  Sickles agrees to take the Mummy and pay the man a 40% commission.  Enoch probably doesn’t get much action, so is enamored of the Mummy.  Sickle mocks him for having human feelings.

Sickles sees in the newspaper that the Mummy was stolen in New Orleans.  The man does not deny it, but says he had no use for the Mummy, he just wanted the jewelry which could not be taken from the Mummy due to a curse which would castrate the thief.  If a very brief scuffle, Sickles accidentally kills the man with hedge clippers.

Hmmmm, castration curse and the introduction of hedge clippers.  Don’t need to visit Madam Zoltan’s tent to see the future for this one.

Sickles steals the jewels, and Enoch uses the hedge clippers to castrate him.  He can’t say he wasn’t warned; at least, he can’t say it in a low-pitched voice.

Gotch’er nose!

Enoch and the Mummy miss their next curtain call.  One year later, the police pay the carnival owner a visit.  A local boy discovered a cave where Enoch and the Mummy had lived. And apparently gave birth to the Cryptkeeper, who appears at the end as a baby.

Post-Post:

• These TFTC titles are getting tedious.  I get that they are calling this baby a product of lower or lesser beings, but it should have been “Lower Birth” to make the pun work.
• Screw the producers!  Knowing my dislike of the Cryptkeeper, they made him part of the story so he couldn’t be avoided.
• Kevin Yagher has only two directing credits, both on TFTC.  His brother Jeff plays Enoch the 2-Faced Man.
• Kevin married Catherine Hicks, and Jeff married Megan Gallagher.  Wow.

Tales from the Crypt goes meta with a story about a TFTC artist.  I’m sure the Crypt-keeper had another layer of meta to add, but it is my policy not to watch that waste of latex.

Harry Anderson is the artist, suffering a case of artist’s block.  His shrewish wife shows up and the office and accuses him of working Saturday to meet a bimbo at the office.

She also accuses him of not taking the potency pills he needs to get her pregnant.  He says the non-FDA approved pills make his brain hurt, kickstarting the episode.

That night he sees a cutie at the laundromat.  After he leaves, the lights go off and a thug begins to attack her.  Turns out she is a cop, and she flips him to the floor.  A monster crawls out of the washer and grabs him, biting his head off.

The cutie recognizes the monster as similar to the work of Anderson.  She tracks him down, and tells him her theory that his drawings are coming to life.  She tells him to draw a monster as a test.

This is a little irresponsible as a monster does materialize in a warehouse where some kids are playing.

His wife busts him making a date with the cutie and he begins sketching her as a monster.    Monster wife kills shrew wife and Anderson goes off with the cutie.

Sipping wine at restaurant, the cutie says, “Are you married?” and Anderson says “Not any more.” Wow, that dialogue is crackling, I tells ya!

The episode is far, far less than the sum of its parts.  Mostly a waste of some fun actors.

Post-Post:

• Colleen Camp (the wife) was one of those sexy 1980’s chicks like Deborah Foreman — a welcome addition to any crappy movie.  Maybe best remembered as the maid in Clue.
• Richard Schiff went on to be Toby in The West Wing.

Or, as it must have been known back in the day, “The One with all the Black People.” Aside from the occasional Voodoo witch, TFTC has been whiter than a Seinfeld reunion. Our politically-correct betters in Hollywood remedy this by gerrymandering all the African Americans into one episode whose key elements are a basketball and sneakers.  On the bright side, no watermelons were injured in making this episode.

The episode opens on the Thorntonberry Funeral Home.  For some reason, the owner is credited as Ezra Thornberry.  Bobby Thorntonberry’s parents have been killed in a car crash, so he has come to live with his uncle.  Ezra reluctantly takes him in, also as an employee offering only room and board.  He begins immediately showing him the tricks of the trade by prying open the lips of his latest customer.  She is sporting a gold tooth — naturally.

Ezra further displays his cost-cutting practices by embalming a corpse with tap water. Actually, he very reasonably points out that the dead man doesn’t know the difference and the chemicals cost money.  I’m kind of on Ezra’s side.  This slab of beef is going in a vault in the ground, who cares.

Further, he orders his coffins from Taiwan.  The Chinese being 6 inches shorter, their coffins are are smaller, ergo cheaper.

When the wrong type of casket is ordered, Ezra blames Bobby and beats him with a tire iron.  The medical bills start to mount up so Ezra sells Bobby’s Air Jordans to cover some of the cost.  He tells Bobby, on crutches, that he doesn’t need shoes.  Bobby threatens to go to the police.  As Bobby is struggling to climb the stairs, Ezra nails him with his own basketball, knocking him down the stairs and killing him.

Ezra gives him the water embalming and plops him in the misordered coffin.  Being one of the Chinese coffins, and Bobby being tall kid, his feet are hanging out of the end of the box.  Once again, Ezra has a solution and breaks out the power saw, cutting Bobby off at the ankles.

The night after Bobby is buried, Ezra is awakened by a knocking.  No one is at the door.  He thinks his disapproving former organist is doing this to him — until he sees a ball slowly bouncing one step at a time, down the stairs, rolling to a stop at his feet, just like in The Changeling — except with a basketball cause, you know, he’s black.  There really is a satirical level to the scene, which I can’t imagine they intended.

A pair of Air Jordans with bloody fresh cut-off feet in them kick Ezra in the ass. Fortuitously, he is standing at the top of the basement stairs and falls down the same stairs where Bobby died.  Then he sees the bloody shoes hopping down the stairs; followed by the footless zombie-Bobby crutch-walking down them, footless legs dangling like Bobcat Goldthwait’s dummy.

Moses Gunn is great as the hateful old mortician.  Jon Clair, the nephew, had a pretty short career, but effectively pulls off his role as a naive well-meaning kid.  Another good one.

Post-Post:

• Hey, how’d those Chinese guys get in the shot?  Oh, I guess if you order merchandise from Taiwan, Chinese guys deliver it.
• It took three people to write this — this is the only writing credit for two of them.  The third writer, Don Mancini wrote several Child’s Play / Chucky movies.