Alyssa Milano, majoring in Virgin Studies at college, is fooling around with her boyfriend Jay.  Naturally, he wants to go further, but she is committed to remaining chaste until marriage.  She should dump him when he says, “I think this whole abstinence thing could be a good thing,” because he is clearly psychotic.

After he leaves, a space dildo bursts through the roof of her apartment and embeds itself in the floor.  As Alyssa takes a closer look, an entity bursts from the space dildo and gives her an alien facial.

Jay’s friend Karl approaches him in the library and grills him about Hannah’s virginity. She has tracked Jay down in the library and begins climbing all over him.  He is still trying to be supportive of her crazy ideas, so she abandons him, finds Karl in the stacks, and starts making out with him.

That night, Alyssa goes to his room and strips for him.  Soon he is inside her.  I mean, really inside — like his entire body is absorbed into her.  Well, that actually is a football player, but the death of Karl and intro of the Quarterback are so blurred, they might as well have been the same character.  In fact, the QB does not even rate a name in the credits.

Jay rides to Alyssa’s apartment on his scooter, possibly explaining why she never put out for him.  He sees the QB’s car outside and demands to know where he is.  The part of Alyssa that is still human fears for his safety tells Jay to beat it.  Well, she actually tells him, “go away,” but I think there is a lot of “beating it” in his future.

Jay waits for Alyssa to leave and goes into her apartment.  He finds the space dildo still embedded in the floor and takes it to his professor, the frequently annoying Saul Rubinek.  Despite the sexual theme of the episode, Rubinek is thankfully not involved in those shenanigans, sparing us the squirm-inducing awkwardness in Gotcha!.

Meanwhile, Alyssa is now picking up dudes on the street and banging them to death. She even finds the time to seduce Karl’s girlfriend.  Sadly, that does not get past the kiss because Karl’s girlfriend is not much interested; at least, not as much as me.

Rubinek miraculously finds other instances of space dildos crashing to earth.  Their appearances seem to always be linked to the disappearances of horny young men.  So apparently the previous space dildos were homophobic haters.

Alyssa continues absorbing dudes until she is shot by a cop in an alley in absorption interruptus.  As the shots ventilate her, light streams out and the dude being absorbed is cut off at the waist and left in agonizing pain before dying.  Thank God, as she is absorbing all these guys, it is not effecting her hot size 2 body.

She is taken to the hospital where her wounds spontaneously heal before the operation.  The surgical team flees the room, and Alyssa tries to seduce the surgeon, but he is more scared than turned on.  Possibly because they have managed to outfit Alyssa in the only hospital gown ever made that actually closes in the back.

Jay cracks the code of why Alyssa did not kill him, Karl’s girlfriend or the surgeon — the alien possessing her requires pheromones only given off during arousal to absorb the victim’s energy.  He enters the Operating Room and locks the door.

Somehow, the purity of the two virgins having the sex drives the alien from her body rather than energizing it like a double shot of espresso.  With the alien gone, she is free to bask in the after-glow of world-saving sex, and dream about her life with Jay.  At least until police charge her with multiple homicides.

That encounter with Karl’s girlfriend might have been good preparation for her next 20 years to life.

Post:

• Mark Sobel also directed The Choice.
• Alyssa’s character’s name Hannah Valesic left me craving pickles.
• Hulu sucks.