One Step Beyond had a good run of episodes set in the USA — two.  The tally is now 9 out of 17 episodes of this American series being set elsewhere.  This week we are asked to empathize with the crew of a Nazi U-Boat.  Is it too late to get that Hollywood Blacklist back?

U-Boat 147 is docked off the coast of Northern Germany.  Everyone who thought Germany was landlocked, rise your right hand. No, wait, don’t!  They are welcoming aboard Herr Bautmann, an aide to Der Fuhrer.  He is played by Werner Klemperer, Klink from Hogan’s Heroes.  In less than one minute, the words Hauptmann, Captain and Kapitan are all used.  Thus the TV precedent is established for Sgt. Schultz’s ein, zwei, three, four style of speaking. ^[2]  

As Bautmann is boarding, the sub is strafed and bombed.  The plane’s crew should be embarrassed that, with no defensive fire, they did not kill any Nazi’s or damage the sub.  The SFX crew should be embarrassed that the strings on the model plane are clearly visible. ^[1]  They submerge, but hear a clanging on the hull.  Fearful that they have left a man or bottle of schnapps on deck, the Captain wants to resurface, but Bautmann orders him not to.  Strangely, the entire crew is accounted for.

Bautmann takes a nap, but is awakened by the crew singing.  He is not mad, though.  He is cheered by the vitality of the young Aryan men on board.  He joins them with a bottle of cognac.  The clanging starts again and he nervously drops the bottle.  He runs to the captain and demands to know what the sound is.  He gets increasingly frantic and accuses the crew of doing this to “shake his nerves” and rattle his brain.

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!

The captain surfaces and the crew begins searching again for the source of the banging.  Bautmann is snoozing outside on the conning tower.  Word has come over the radio that Hitler has killed himself.  Bautmann is furious that someone has made up this lie to make him crazy.  He takes the radio and reports to the crew that Hitler died as a hero, leading his troops into battle.  Imagining that little uni-testicled asshole doing such a thing will be the best laugh you have in the next 5 minutes (admittedly a low bar).

The captain gets word that a ship is approaching, and orders the sub to dive.  Bautmann is furious that he won’t stay surfaced and find that clanging.  In observation of Axis Diversity Day, a crewman uses a karate chop to shut him up.

While the sub is pursued by the ship, Bautmann wakes up in his bunk.  He runs to the bridge shouting, “I can’t breathe!”  Then the clanging begins again.  He cries like [NAME REDACTED] ^[3] for the pounding to stop.  He finally passes out and the noise also stops.  The captain then realizes that they only hear the clanging when Bautmann is awake.

As depth charges explode around them, the Captain decides to surface and surrender.  Hitler is dead, the war is over, and he has no clean turtlenecks left, so what is the point?

Klempererer really chewed the bulkheads as he played Bautmann going insane.    The story didn’t quite gel, though.  Why did this phenomenon attach itself to him?  Sure, he’s a Nazi, but look around — they’re all Nazis!  Don’t forget that!  I guess we are to assume that he was an especially bad egg because he served so close to Hitler.  Then why was it audible to everyone, unlike the Tell-Tale Heart which was clearly an inspiration?  It was clearly directed at Bautmann since it occurred only during his waking hours.  

I guess that doesn’t really matter, and they only had 25 minutes to cram the story into.  On a note so routinely positive that it is getting boring — this show again looks fabulous!  The model at the beginning is only jarring because it is cut in with much other actual footage.  Kudos also on the submarine set.  It felt very accurate to me — to this day, I remember the layout, the claustrophobia, the smell of my countrymen packed in.  I must admit, I spent time aboard a German U-Boat during the war. ^[4]  

Disturbing banging on naval vessels became a regular trope.  We saw it on The Twilight Zone in the 1960’s.  Then in the 1970’s with these guys.

John Newland sez, “Next week we travel to the chateau country of France.”  Sacre bleu!

Other Stuff:

• [1]  No points deducted for that.  It is really only an issue because it was preceded by so many great inserts of actual war footage.  Besides, seeing a model is kind of charming vs the CGI we are used to.
• [2]  Bautmann is a civilian.  If he were a captain, he would be Hauptmann Bautmann.  That’s almost the Nazi equivalent of Major Major, but not as funny.  Whaddya want, they’re f***ing Nazis.
• [3]  Nope, not here either.
• [4]  OK, it was about an hour inside U-505 at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry during the Gulf War, but isn’t that actually better?