Harbinger Down (2015)

In June 1982, a Russki spacecraft is burning up on re-entry and makes a 3-point swish shot, never touching the Arctic Rim.

Then to current-day Alaska.  One of the reasons I clicked on this movie was the cover which had a nice, clean design and an attractive bluish tint.  Holy crap did they go overboard with the blue tint.  Think of the green tint in The Matrix — it was only subtly noticeable and you got used to it.  This opening of this movie looks like it was shot through a bottle of Windex.

Stephen, Sadie and Ronnell hook up with the titular Harbinger captained by Lance Henriksen.  The trio is tracking a pod of whales that have been tagged.  One of the crew tells them that research grants are nothing but white people’s government cheese.  This is from a guy nicknamed “Dock” because he used to live under one.  Seriously. Whatever it is that is going to do the killing in this joint, please start with this idiot.

While Ronnell is sleeping and Stephen is yopping, Sadie bundles up and goes up on the deck of the crab boat.  They spot something shaped like a Russki spacecraft which is attracting the whales.  So naturally, they haul it on-board.

harbinger04Ronnell is the first to notice that they are getting no cellphone service.  Being a thousand miles from a cell tower might to be blame.  Maybe they should have sprung for a satellite phone.  Sadly, she is not the least respectable of the group.  Stephen is a douche-bag determined to steal credit for the find.

Sadie nabs a Russki member of the crew and inspects the spacecraft while Stephen is distracted by a crew-member playing him like a harp.  They find the crewman still remarkably well-preserved for having spent 30 years in the ocean.  Short time later, however, it is discovered that the body is missing and a giant raw oystery-looking snot-ball kills a crewman.  Thus bringing us to the Alien portion of our program, where the crew must pursue the monster and get picked off one by one.  But that’s not a bad thing.

Shockingly, the first to go is not Dock, but is the even more unlikable Stephen.  He does not get a chestburster scene, but does get a pretty awesome backburster scene.  Unfortunately, the actor looks too much like Andy Bernard from The Office and it makes it a little hard to take the scene totally seriously.  To be fair, I’m not sure it is intended to be totally serious.

harbinger07And so the picking-off begins.  But it is not as dreary and mechanical as one might fear.  there are surprises and tentacles, teeth, and slime.

It ain’t no Alien, but then neither was Prometheus.  It floats in that middle ground, better than SyFy and Asylum, but not worth seeing in a theater.  The casting is better than the acting — I really enjoyed everyone except for the miscast Nard-Dawg.  Dock was annoying, but at least he was a character.  Even the order of deaths is not what I expected.

The plot and score are entirely adequate, and the creature is nicely unconventional and not CGI.  I doubt it was intended even on a satirical level, but the biggest horror was that it frequently reminded me of pink slime.

I feel like this was 90 minutes well-spent.

Post-Post:

  • On Rotten Tomatoes, this film has a rating of 50% from critics and 25% from normal people.  I suspect this is due to the film’s heavy endorsement of global warming.  The quality of the film doesn’t matter as much as sticking to the state-sanctioned narrative.
  • It is also noted that the Russki chick says she “can see Alaska from my house.” It’s a pretty funny twist on the misquoted line, but clearly also pandering to the left.

harbinger11

 

Tales From the Crypt – Oil’s Well that Ends Well (11/24/93)

tftcoilsell02Jerry and Gina are in the graveyard. Jerry is digging one of those TV graveholes that any sap can dig by hand with an ordinary shovel in 45 minutes.  The perfectly squared-off corners are a nice touch.  It’s nice to see people taking pride in their work again.

There is a noise from the coffin at the bottom of the hole, and their partner in crime makes a memorable entrance.  Through some scheme, he was buried with $20,000 and the others were in on the plan to rescue him.  Although, I gotta say, it would take a hell of a lot more than $20k to let them bury me; I’m not sure I want to go that route even after I’m dead.  He talks a little too trashy to Gina and Jerry shoots him.  He falls back in the hole, into the coffin, and the lid slams shut — the man knows how to make an exit, too.

tftcoilsell04Some time later, Gina walks into a bar in a snappy business suit and immediately starts making friends by grabbing gonads, throwing a man to the ground, making an awesome joke to a guy with a colostomy bag, and buying rounds for the house; but mostly that last thing.

She let’s them know she’s fed up with all men. Especially her bosses in the oil business. Jerry enters the bar and spills the beans about an oil discovery.  She offers him $5k to sit on the info for a week until they can talk to the landowners.  He wisely says losing his job is not worth $5k.  The rubes in the bar chip in to bring the total to $25k.  Now there’s a figure that would set a dude for life!  Just one problem — the oil is under the graveyard.

The next day, the rubes show up with their stake.  There is a problem though in that they need to buy all the land surrounding the oil.  This time it is them telling Gina that they need an additional $74k stake from her.  Showing she is no smarter than the boys, she puts up the money.

tftcoilsell06Jerry ends up being in cahoots with the rubes.  But there is real oil under the graveyard.  Once Gina finds out she’s been hustled, she lights it up!

Not a lot to cover here, but I did enjoyed the episode.  There was nothing supernatural, no one back from the dead (not even the guy emerging from the coffin), no blood and guts. But Lou Diamond Philips and Priscilla Presley really sold their parts.  I came away thinking that both of them have been under-utilized by Hollywood. The rubes were not all uber-that-guys but were certainly solid mid-level that-guys including Cameron from Ferris Bueller, the captain from Lethal Weapon, and Rory Calhoun in his last IMDb credit.

And for some reason, it seem exceptionally well-staged to me.  Maybe it was because there were was a real outdoor scene at the cemetery.  Both there and in the bar, the ensemble was handled expertly and the shots were well-composed.

I give it a 10W30 even though I have no idea what that means.

tftcoilsell08Post-Post:

  • Title Analysis: One of their best.
  • Kudos on the shot of the crude oil bubbling in the ground reflecting the men peering down at it, then dissolving to bourbon being poured into a glass.
  • Also kudos on the explosion — great stuff.

Tales of Tomorrow – The Little Black Bag (05/30/52)

ttlittleblackbag1Tonight’s episode is once again sponsored by Masland Carpet Mills, makers of fine fishing- and smoking- wear.  The announcer pitches the company as special because it closes the mills for one day each year so the employees can go fishing.

Dr. Fulbright walks in the door from a tough day of doctoring perhaps even engaged in the archaic practice of house-calls.  Unfortunately, his call to his own house is met by his shrewish wife Angie. She immediately pumps him for how much money he earned today.  Actually, it turns out that he hasn’t been doing much doctoring lately.  He made a mistake and it destroyed his confidence.  His wife assure him, “You’re still a doctor — you’re still supposed to earn a living!”  Yeah, and the healing stuff too.

He slinks out vowing to get some money for his bitchy wife.  He ends up at a pawn shop to hock his medical bag.  The pawnbroker with a heart of gold (a real one, in addition to the ones in the jewelry display) doesn’t want to take the doctor’s bag, but he gives him $25.  He then offers to make it $20 and throw in an old medical bag that he had laying around.  Fulbright looks inside and finds some unusual instruments.

ttlittleblackbag3Fulbright goes home and hands his wife the $20.  She is about as appreciative as you would expect and asks him if he robbed a bank.  A neighbor frantically knocks at the door carrying her child.  Within seconds he diagnoses the girl with hemorrhagic encephalitis.  Having no alternative, Fulbright opens the new bag.  He sees now that there is a warning label that the instruments must be used ethically or the violator will be subject to the full penalty of the law.  Checking a handy enclosed symptom matrix, he finds a new-fangled syringe pre-loaded with an elixir for the girl.

He injects the girl and she is cured instantly.  Fulbright sees his new black bag as an opportunity to cure the afflicted.  His old white bag sees it as an opportunity to make a “million bucks.”  Using a magnifying glass, Fulbright sees the patent was applied for on ttlittleblackbag407/18/50 — that’s 2450! [1] 

Two years later, Fulbright is a successful practicing doctor.  He is giving the girl he cured a routine check-up. The fact that the 10 year old girl hasn’t grown an inch or changed her pig-tail hairstyle in in 2 years doesn’t seem to bother him. However, it bothers Angie that they still can’t afford to pay him.  She pushes Fulbright to make as much money as he can as fast as he can, but he feels bound ethically, and by the warning on the bag, to do good.

A woman comes in with a paralyzed arm and Fulbright is able to restore movement.  He tells his wife to bill the woman $50, but she thinks that is absurdly cheap.  Fulbright tells her that after much consideration, he wants to reveal his little black bag to the world. Angie threatens to tell the police how he had once killed a patient by showing up drunk to operate.

When he says that he mailed a letter the day before, she stabs him in the back with a scalpel.  Her plan to take the bag and make the millions herself is foiled when the warning on the label is carried out.  She sees that the bag is now full of straw.  We get a great close-up of her as people bang on the door.

ttlittleblackbag8Post-Post:

  • [1] When Fulbright speaks the date, he mistakenly gives the day as the 15th.
  • Based on the same short story as the Night Gallery segment by the same name.
  • The neighbor went on to be the Duke Brothers’ maid in Trading Places 32 years later.
  • From the short story: Dogged biometricians had pointed out with irrefutable logic that mental sub-normals were outbreeding the mental normals and super-normals, and that the process was occurring on an exponential curve. 

Amen, brother.

Night Visions – Used Car (07/26/01)

nvusedcar05Charlotte (Sherilyn “should be a much bigger star” Fenn) and Jack are enjoying the afternoon car-shopping as presumably they could not find a dentist available to do a root canal with no anesthetic.

A hand turns on the radio in a car a few spaces away, luring them over for a look with the song Some Day We’ll be Together.  Her husband describes the car as “flashy,” but c’mon it’s a Volvo.  Charlotte climbs into the driver’s seat and takes the song as a sign that she and the car were manufactured for each other.

That night she asks if he is mad that she wanted that used car and not a new one.  She also asks if her husband is tired of her.  She suggests that his medical students must be tempting to him.  At this time, Sherilyn Fenn was a beautiful 31 year-old who could easily have passed for 25.  Even made up with mom jeans, frumpy glasses and an awful hairdo, there is no hiding this.  She thinks maybe having a baby would give her life more meaning.

nvusedcar08The next morning, after having started work on the baby, Charlotte describes the car as “frivolous” for a new mom.  C’mon, it’s a Volvo.  Either these two know nothing about cars or they speak English as a second language.  Later that day, Charlotte gets in the car.  In her rear view mirror she sees a young woman in the back seat saying, “We’re going to have a baby.”

She calls her husband.  The hospital says he is in surgery, but can we paged.  WTH, when I’m being operated on, the surgeon is returning calls?  Driving home from a friend’s house, she notices a home pregnancy test in the car.  It is showing a positive. There is also a credit card slip signed by a Lucy Sykes.

There is no Lucy Sykes in the phone-book, but there is a G. Sykes.  Couldn’t they come up with more unusual name to make it believable that there was only one in the phone-book?  Where did she live, Chinatown?  At least they didn’t go with Smith, which had four numbers listed.  Getting no answer by phone, she drives to the address.  Turns out G. Sykes is Lucy’s uncle.  While waiting for him to get home, Charlotte gets the “We’re having a baby vision” again, this time with Lucy bleeding from the wrists.

nvusedcar02Lucy’s uncle confirms that she committed suicide in a car just like Charlotte’s.  He offers Lucy’s stuff to Charlotte.  When Jack gets home that night, he finds clothing and personal items strewn on the floor and up the stairs to their bedroom. At the top of the stairs, he finds Lucy’s driver’s license.

In the bedroom, Charlotte is wearing Lucy’s glittery red dress.  She says she bets Jack liked the dress when Lucy wore it.  She produces a picture that shows Jack with Lucy on the hood of the red Volvo that they just bought — the same car Jack originally bought for Lucy.  This would have been more impactful if Lucy were actually wearing the same dress in the photo, but I guess that’s too much to ask of Night Visions.

Charlotte confronts Jack about his cheating and knocking up Lucy, then flees in the Volvo.  In the car, she hears Lucy talking again, and even sees visions of Lucy and Jack as a happy couple.  One shot shows Lucy dancing in a glittery dress very much like the one Charlotte was wearing — but a different color.  Why, why, why?  The vision continues with Jack telling Lucy they can’t have a baby, so she tells him, “Then kill your wife!  Kill your wife!”

The car stops, the locks go down, Charlotte can’t escape.  Smoke begins pouring into the car as Someday We’ll be Together comes on the radio again.  Lucy appears and I’m not sure what happens.  It looks like she has something wrong with her teeth, but it could just be the horrible quality of the video on You Tube.  But then she leans into Charlotte’s neck like a vampire before we cut away.  So this is either inconceivably stupid, or just a poor decision on the staging.  If Lucy is going to bite her like a vampire, that is just a complete non-sequitur.  If she is not a vampire, why lean into her neck with her mouth open?  And wasn’t she going to die from smoke or CO2 inhalation anyway?

Back at the house, Jack hears a long solid blast from a car horn.  He looks out the window and sees the Volvo roll up the driveway.  He goes out to the car, the horn still wailing.  He opens the door, and Charlotte spills out of the smokey car.  The radio again plays Someday We’ll be Together, and it is also written in the condensation in the windshield.

nvusedcar09What was that horn-blast all about?  I guess Charlotte was dead and slumped against the horn the whole time and Lucy “drove” the car home.  Charlotte’s neck is bloody, so I guess they did go for the vampire thing, although with ghost-like tendencies..

Finally, the song could have made sense, but Night Visions once again dropped the ball. It was nice that it was initially interpreted as Charlotte and the car “will be together.”  The callback at the end would have been great if Jack were the one who had died — then Lucy would have had her way and she and Jack would “be together” for eternity.  As it is, who “will be together”?  Lucy and Charlotte?  Hot but nonsensical.

Just as in the first segment of this episode, they had most of the pieces, but just put them together wrong.

Post-Post:

  • Hart Bochner (Jack) went on to be the coke-snorting douchebag in Die Hard.  And by “went on” I mean 13 years earlier.

Night Visions – Now He’s Coming Up the Stairs (07/26/01)

nvupthestairs05We first meet Dr. Sears when the parents of an anorexic girl hire him to heal their daughter.  He has the “talent or a curse” that he can “feel what other people are feeling.”  He can draw their illness out of their mind into his own.  Moments later, the girl is chowing down.  In a really clever shot, Sears later sees his reflection in the elevator door and perceives his reflection as a fat bastard.  Well done.

In the next scene, he has ordered enough room service food to cater a wedding.  As he gazes upon this borgasmord laid out in front of him, he perceives the grub as rotten and covered by roaches, beetles and literal grubs.  He forces himself to dig in.  I’m not sure this makes sense — isn’t anorexia more about body-image and not about food being gross?  But it works.

His doctor is concerned that it is taking Sears longer and longer to row back from absorbing his patients’ maladies.  Taking a few days off, he is tracked down by a woman seeking help for her son Mark.  She takes Sears to the boy’s bedroom where is is rocking and repeating over and over, “Now he’s coming thorough the woods. Now he’s coming nvupthestairs10through the yard.  Now he’s coming in the house.  Now he’s coming up the stairs.”

This started after an accident where his mother ran over a pedestrian. The victim’s head smashed into the windshield right in front of the boy. Sears feels his pain and the boy suddenly runs downstairs to his mother.  Their maid goes to see Sears and he has collapsed on the bedroom floor. After a handful of psychotropic drugs, or possibly hawaiiantropic drugs given the fruity mixture of colors, he feels much better.

Everything is both hunky and dory as Sears is back on his feet, then sitting down at their kitchen table.  Mom and the nanny are happy, and the boy is chirpy.  Until he isn’t.  The boy is suddenly terrified.  He runs back to his room and starts his “Now he’s coming thorough the woods” shit again.  Sears goes to the window to show him that there is no one nvupthestairs13coming through the yard, but is interrupted by the man coming through the yard.

The kid continues his screaming four sentence play-by-play more obnoxiously than John Madden as the man comes in the house and up the stairs.  Sears is baffled and says the condition can’t manifest itself physically.  The non-manifested condition pounds on the bedroom door.  Sears believes this is all in his head, but Carol tells him she and Mark are real.  He screams at her that she is not real and suddenly finds himself alone in the silent bedroom.  He walks out into the house and finds everyone brutally murdered before he is himself attacked by the mystery man.

That’s it, end of story.  You can validly interpret the killer as a “physical manifestation” or the doped up doctor.  The gravitas of the two murdered women and the child effectively trumps any churlish plot issues.  Except it is not the end.

Snap — we loop back to the just-cured boy running downstairs to his mother.  The nanny goes upstairs as she did in the first iteration.  She finds Sears sitting in the corner blankly rocking back and forth repeating those same four sentences.  The end.

nvupthestairs15Thumbhead’s closing remarks did not offer any revelations this time. I am at a loss to explain how something this egregious comes from a good writer, gets past a story editor, and into the final product.

Nevermind the logic of the hallucination, what really bugs me is the very ending.  The zinger is that Sears is sitting on the floor rocking back and forth just like the boy.  But that should be no surprise — it is his standard reaction. Just the way curing the anorexic girl gave him the symptoms of anorexia, it is perfectly predictable that he would have reacted by mimicking the boy.  In fact, following the logical course, shortly thereafter he should have metabolized the symptoms and be back to normal.  It’s a happy ending for everyone — who wants that?

In fact, so wrong is this ending, that I think it would have improved the episode to have the two iterations in exactly the opposite order.

Post-Post:

  • The episode kept reminding me of The Empath on Star Trek.
  • I really enjoyed Allison Hossack as Carol.  She was believable as the mom and also believable as the anonymous, slightly androgynous cutie in the restaurant (not that they would be mutually exclusive types).
  • The nanny, on the other hand, was a mess.  She seems to have been coiffed by Ayn Rand’s hairdresser on a bad day.  Or was she the nanny?  Maybe they were a couple.  Carol was rocking that man’s blazer and a snappy short haircut.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Not.  At.  All.
  • Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs.