Monthly Archives: June 2016

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Mrs. Herman and Mrs. Fenimore (12/28/58)

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ahpmrs03

Her master’s vice.

Mrs. Herman runs a boarding house which, like the United States, has only one boarder — her crotchety Uncle Bill.  Money is tight as he apparently doesn’t cut her in on the revenue from his still on the hill.[1]   He also has an unspecified fortune which Mrs. H thinks he should contribute to expenses. Maybe part of the problem is that her two favorite hobbies are playing the Victrola at concert hall pitch and knocking back the hooch which she conveniently stows in the Victrola cabinet.

Mrs. Fenimore comes in response to Mrs. Herman’s ad in the paper.  The rent is $10 per week, which I can tell you won’t even get you an hour these days.  Mrs. F says she is an actress with a travelling show but has decided to take a rest.  Mrs. H takes her upstairs to see the accommodations.

Mrs. F takes the room.  One day as the gals are sharing a drink, Mrs. Herman says that Uncle Bill is an old man who has outlived his usefulness.  “What has he to look forward to except the lingering agony of a helpless old age?” asks the lonely old spinster running out of money and hitting the bottle.  She has been waiting for the right boarder to come along.  Mrs. H offers Mrs. F $2,500 [2] to help kill Bill so she can inherit his loot and maybe get some nice Bose speakers.

ahpmrs17Their scheme begins with Mrs. F becoming much more friendly with Bill.  As they are playing a game of crokinole, Bill is actually smiling for the first time in the episode, and maybe ever.  She begins reading to Bill in a soothing voice similar to his late wife’s.  The first selection is The Lay of the Last Minstrel [3] by Sir Walter Scott.  If he weren’t eighty years old, I would think Bill was more interested in being the last lay of this minstrel.  Or maybe he is — i just don’t want to consider it.

Bill is still a nasty beast to his niece.  He is irritated by her presence and stomps off to bed.  Mrs. F thinks the plan is a failure, but Mrs. F predicts Bill will ask her to read to him in his room the next night.  When he falls asleep, she is to leave, and Mrs. H will make the arrangements.  The next afternoon, though, Mrs. H is a little concerned to see Bill and Mrs F dancing.  He is still a cranky old shit, but does seem to be excited about going to a matinee, dinner and dancing with Mrs. F.

Bill’s character is baffling.  Clearly he is just an asshole.  You would have thought his orneriness was due to depression or loneliness.  Going out with Mrs. F barely raises a smile out of him even though he eagerly goes through the motions.  He just can’t help complaining constantly, though.  I think the actor’s sneering face has always been his paycheck, so he’s going to use it.  Mrs. F is a master at manipulating him; more so than the director.

ahpmrs13That night, Bill falls asleep to Mrs. F’s soothing voice.  Mrs. H executes her plan . . . and Bill.  She turns on Bill’s gas hot-plate and leaves him to die.

The next morning, Mrs. F drops the bombshell that she and Bill were secretly married. She will be inheriting his fortune and giving Mrs. H just $2,500.  This is one of those endings that is satisfying until you think about it.  The best AHP endings have justice being served.  Here, however, who are we to root for?  It is nice to see the scheming Mrs. H get swindled out of the loot she coveted.  On the other hand, Mrs. F carried out the scheme and is just as guilty of the murder.

Alfred Hitchcock famously said “Television has brought murder back into the home — where it belongs.”  Lately, it has brought murder back to the old folks home.  After the previous AHP and Passage on the Lady Anne, I’m ready for a nice episode set in a college; maybe a women’s college.

ahpmrs27Post-Post:

  • [1] I could have sworn it was “My Uncle Bill”, but it seems to be “My Brother Bill” in all the versions I can find.  It’s just too catchy to delete, though.
  • [2] $21-Large in 2016 dollars.
  • [3] You can connect the poem to the episode via the aging minstrel / actress, story-telling and feuding clans / relatives.  It’s a bit of a stretch, though.
  • AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.  Really, how could there be?  I think the Victrola outlasted this bunch.
  • AHP Proximity Alert:  Wesley Lau was just in the previous episode, for crying out loud.  Give someone else a chance!
  • For a much more in-depth look at the story and production, check out bare*bones e-zine.

 

Red Bamboo – Jason Lyttell (1935)

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sascoverAt the head of the safari rode a lone white man and a girl.

The man is checking out her “undulating breasts” with “an insane desire to crush one firm globule in his hairy hand.”   The men in this collection have the hairiest mitts since 3rd-from-the-right-guy on the evolution chart.  They also seem to share another trait:

  • Shanghai Jester:  Her boyish body was clad in a negligee that had fallen open at the throat.
  • Cave of the Criss-Cross Knives:  A pair of sheer silk step-ins only partially covered her boyish hips.
  • Red Bamboo: He licked his lips as his eyes strayed down her body . . . down her slim waist to her lithe boyish thighs.

Sally’s fiancee John Evans financed this safari and is bringing up the rear.  Leaving the sweaty, glistening, scantily-clad Sally with the manly-man guide Masterson on the lead camel might not have been the wisest choice.

Masterson stops the caravan for the night.  When one of the crew [1] begins pitching a tent (heh, heh), Masterson kicks him for positioning it above some bamboo shoots.  “The damn things will grow right through a man’s bedding during the night!”

Masterson gets a nice show from Sally as she strips for bed, silhouetted against the side of her tent (like in Austin Powers but with less fisting (or Seinfeld)).  After getting pretty worked up, he creeps over to her tent.  It seems likely he would have raped her if Evans didn’t save the day.

The men fight, but stop upon hearing “a weird, pulsating wail.”  Evans recognizes it as the cry of frightningly-named Torzo the Wicked One from the not-at-all frightningly-named Valley of Little Pale Women.  Evans is concerned for Sally’s safety, but Masterson refuses to turn back.

In a temple in the jungle, Masterson finds a jewel.  As he is stealing it, something strikes his hand — he is surrounded by little white women who only come up to his waist.  “They were entirely naked except for hair like spun gold . . . His eyes fastened themselves on the tiny curves of their perfectly formed breasts . . . heavy gold bracelets encircled their tiny ankles.”  They swarm him and he begins tearing them apart, breaking bones, squashing them.  Somehow, they manage to paralyze him, and he lets out “the long agonized wail of a soul in hell.”

Sally, Evans, and their associates [1] hear the scream and decide maybe it is time to turn head back to civilization.  As Masterson is writhing in agony on the ground, he sees the body of another man with a bloody bamboo shoot sticking through his abdomen.  I think we are to believe that they are going to kill Masterson by paralyzing him and letting a bamboo shoot grow through his body.  If this is indeed the ludicrous plan, all I can say is BRAVO!  That is truly original.

Masterson let out another “soul-rendering scream“.  One of Evans’ entourage [1] says, “Better we pack.  Big white man not come back.”

The story is nothing special, but kudos for imagery of a tribe of tiny naked blondes — and I can’t stress this enough: tiny adult women, not children! — swarming Masterson. And for an utterly original method of torture and execution which is actually fore-shadowed.  Well done!

Post-Post:

  • [1] Slaves
  • First published in June 1935.
  • Also that month: Joe Louis whoops Primo Carnera.

Also seen this day: After being delayed more times than a Delta flight through Atlanta, Flight 7500 was finally released this year.  It is not bad as much as it is a missed opportunity.  The pieces are all here: mostly good cast, unoriginal yet always fun plot, claustrophobic airplane setting — it’s just very blah.  Not even the very cute stewardesses can save it (and might be the most unbelievable element of the movie).

Twilight Zone S4 – Passage on the Lady Anne (05/09/63)

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tzladyanne1Coming off a mediocre Tales of Tomorrow and an unwatchable Fear Itself . . . if it turns out the other passengers on the Lady Anne are just dead, I’ll scream.

Alan and Eileen Ransome go to a Travel Agency to book a trip to London.  They hoped travel by ship, but the Agent says they are all booked.  Well, all the reputable ones are.  Reputable, I fear, meaning ones where all the other passengers are not dead.

Eileen asks about the Lady Anne.  It is the slowest boat on the water, but leaves in less than a week.  Despite Alan and the Agent’s resistance, she insists on purchasing two tickets.

Alan and Eileen arrive at the dock and meet an elderly couple — Toby and Millie — that are pretty close to validating my fear.  Toby can’t believe this young couple actually has tickets and makes them prove it.  Seeing them, he still insists this is a mistake, that this is a private excursion.

tzladyanne3Eileen is thrilled with their large ornate cabin.  Alan is not far off the mark when he proclaims it “maybe the most ridiculous room in the world.”  Of course, he never got to see the gilded New York Casa de Trump.

They go up on deck. Toby and another elderly man ask them again if some mistake has been made.  They try to scare the Ransomes into leaving by telling them what an old dilapidated ship this is.  Then they try to bribe them by offering $10,000.  Ransome must be doing pretty well as he refuses.  In fact, it is his pre-occupation with work that led Eileen to insist on this trip.

The next morning, Eileen is up at the crack of eleven.  They go up on deck for the mandatory Fire Drill training.  They are stunned to see that all the other passengers are old enough to literally remember the Maine, which might explain their enthusiasm for the fire drill.  Alan later finds that they are the only ones on the ship under 75.

tzladyanne2At the bar, they order a couple of martinis.  Eileen tells Alan she wants a divorce. Because, what better time than the first day of an expensive cruise where they will be stuck on a fully-booked ship and share a single room for a week.

They have dinner with Toby and Millie.  Toby gives them the good news that they will be allowed to stay on the ship.  Millie explains that he means they won’t have to die. Hmmmmm.

To make an interminable story short, when Alan thinks he has lost Eileen, he realizes how much he has neglected her.  They learn that the oldsters had fallen in love on the ship eons ago and want to finish their lives together on it.  How they intended to do this is not clear.  Were they going to poison themselves?  Were they going to sink the ship?  Run it aground into a waterfront Farmer’s Market?  Serling only tells us they sailed into the titular Twilight Zone.  The super-annuated passengers are basically sailing to Valinor. [1]

Not what I feared, but not really what I wanted either.  Your nautical mileage may vary.

Post-Post:

  • It would just be churlish to question who was crewing this ship.  Were there a bunch of 75 year old men shoveling coal down below?
  • Wilfred Hyde-White (Toby) was always great playing bumbling old Englishmen — actually the same bumbling old Englishman. He didn’t have much range, but was a great character.  And always old.  So old.
  • [1] Kind of a non-sequitur, but I love it:

 

White Meat – Don King (1934)

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sascoverOne hundred black Monbuttus . . . danced about the nude white man chained to a stake.

Well, this is going to be uncomfortable.

I mean because of the naked dude — let’s get back to the topless babes like every other story in this collection so far.

We get a description in pretty good detail of the man being burned at the stake.  As he is partially consumed by the flames, he screams in agony.  Finally, he is dead, the constraining vines have burned away and he falls to the ground.  The Monbuttus then . . . uh, eat him.

The rest of this is pretty standard stuff for the era, maybe — British colonials, broad-shouldered American savior, virginal blonde daughter [1], cannibalism, white slavery, etc. But sitting here at 2 am in 2016, it doesn’t play very well, and is too mean-spirited to even enjoy mocking.

But what did I expect from a story called White Meat?

These posts are just a tool to force me to experience a bunch of TV shows and short stories that I never got around to.  Mission Statement accomplished.  This one can be quietly entered into the record as short story # 11 in Spicy Adventures.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Who are these professors and colonials who drag their beautiful, blonde, clothes-shedding virginal young daughters into the jungle?  I don’t know, but God bless ’em.
  • First published in April 1934.
  • Kane Bedford’s name changes to Kane Wilbur halfway through the story.
  • Probably too late for a sequel called The Other White Meat.
  • The other Don King.

Fear Itself – New Year’s Day (07/17/08)

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Helen wakes up on the titular New Years Day feeling a little woozy.  She manages to make it to the bathroom to pray to the porcelain god.  She hears sirens and a bullhorn warning, “This is not a drill.”  Clearly it is not a drill — it is a bullhorn, duh!  She goes to a neighbor’s apartment and finds blood on the floor.  Checking on her roommate, she finds his room covered in blood also.

finyd1In a scene I can’t figure out, Helen’s cellphone rings. When she answers, she gets her not-boyfriend James’ voice mail as if she called him . . . the end.  For me, anyway.  I did finish watching it, but couldn’t bring myself to make any notes.

I watched this episode stunned almost from the first second at how awful it is.  The performances from Helen and James are incredibly ordinary.  Anyone in the audience of a community theater could have brought more to their parts.  Helen’s roommate Eddie and her girlfriend Christie come off a little better.

The real problem is the visual experience.  The lighting is terrible and the editing is god-awful with constant jump-cuts.  On a completely different level, the choppiness of the narrative also dooms the episode.  We are constantly switching between New Years Eve and New Years Day.  The whole episode is just offensively poorly conceived.

finyd6Along the way we are supposed to care about these adults.  Helen tells James she loves him after misinterpreting something their friend Eddie told her.  Eddie has an unrequited crush on Helen and expresses it with sudden awkward kisses.  Helen is heart-broken to see James swapping spit with Christie.  If the twist of this episode was that these were 13 year-olds who were somehow transported into adult bodies, I would have believed it.

Happily, that was not the twist.  The sole redeeming aspect of this episode is an excellent reveal that caught me completely by surprise.  If anyone is masochistic enough to sit through this episode, they deserve to be surprised.  There is another shocker after that, but spatially it makes no sense, and it adds nothing to the story.

I rate New Years Day 1 out of 365.

Post-Post:

  • Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman of Saw II – IV.
  • Briana Evigan (Helen) was in Burning Bright which I remember as being pretty good.  She is locked in a house.  That is boarded up, preventing escape.  A hurricane is coming.  She has her autistic brother with her.   And, oh yeah, there’s a goddamn tiger in the house!  Best set-up evah — but sadly all I remember is she wore a hot wife-beater for the whole movie.
  • Her father Greg was in a series in the 1970’s about a trucker who traveled with a chimp named Bear.  Them Eviganses loves animals more than the Irwinses!  Well, before.