Reverting back to SFT’s trope of never naming locations, Truman Bradley tells us “at a large eastern university, an explosion occurred recently in the laboratory of Dr. Edmond Blake.”  The army is impressed by this explosion that “generated millions of BTUs, enough to vaporize the entire building, including the steel girders.”  They have called in Dr. Sheldon Thorpe ^[1] to explain how steel melted, and the apparent controlled demolition of Dining Hall 7.

Hey, take off that hat!

As is frequently the case on SFT, the old/dead scientist has a hot daughter.  Sheldon visits Cynthia to discuss her father’s work.  As they talk, she casually feeds her father’s papers into the fireplace.  Hey wait, that last one said Epstein Flight Log!  Sheldon stops her, but she says there are some things people were not meant to know.

Cynthia admits she does not know what her father was working on, so even she does not know what people should not know.  Trivia:  She later becomes Director of COVID censorship at Twitter.  However, feeling overheated by the fire and seeing a chance to double his per diem, Sheldon recruits Cynthia to help him.

She first takes him to Madam DiCosa”s restaurant where Blake ate everyday.  Sheldon pronounces it Nicosa even though they are standing right in front of the freakin’ sign!  That’s OK, IMDb spells it DeCosa.    She says she saw a glowing ball land on Dr. Blake’s roof before it melted.  She believes it was punishment by the aliens for Dr. Blake making too many discoveries too quickly, but it could have been the union.

They next visit Blake’s chess partner Mr. Adams.   He says that Blake often discussed flying saucers.  Cynthia interrupts to say that her father might have been curious, but certainly did not believe in flying saucers.  Adam mansplains that Blake did take the flying saucers seriously, and was also interested in lightning.

They next go to the gym where Blake got a weekly rubdown for his arthritis.  The masseuse says Blake was not usually much of a talker, but he did say that flying saucers might be real.  I found this dialogue hilariously delivered:

Masseuse (who Sheldon has never met):  I was talking about my retiring to a chicken ranch.  You know, I’ve been studying up on the hatching of chickens.

Sheldon (in his stoic Gary Cooper voice): No, I didn’t know.

That reminds the masseuse that Blake did get excited one time.  Well, twice, but one time because their conversation gave him the idea for a new kind of chicken incubator using a magnetic field.

Sheldon continues his investigation at casa de Blake.  He finds some scribbling on a table and wants to take it to his lab.  Cynthia refuses.  She is worried all this talk of flying saucers and weekly male massages will tarnish his reputation.

Cynthia finally allows the table to be taken.  Sheldon examines it with “infra-red and x-ray film” even though the symbols are visible and a couple are just Lucky Charms.

After his analysis, he tells Cynthia not to worry about her father’s reputation.  “He never believed in flying saucers.  He undoubtedly questioned those crackpots ^[2] you saw him with to gather information.”  He continues, “Your father was trying to duplicate flying saucers under laboratory conditions.”  So, he wanted to duplicate something he believed did not exist?

Sheldon builds a device from Blake’s notes.  It causes a feed-back loop and explodes.  He is, however, able to see practical applications for a less explodey model.  Why, irrigation channels could be cut into the desert!  Canals could connect waterways to increase trade to poor landlocked countries!  But the army general really only gets hard when the beam blows up a 10 cent model jet airplane.

One more episode left.  At this rate, I will need a new series in about a year.

Other Stuff:

• [1]  Portrayed by discount Gary Cooper, Bruce Bennett.
• [2]  Who are these “crackpots”?  1)  An immigrant who opened her own restaurant, 2)  Blake’s well-dressed chess opponent, and 3)  a entrepreneur who is planning a career in chicken farming.
• Proximity Alert:  Bruce Bennett’s 4th appearance this season.  Give someone else a chance!

Now there’s a title with potential.

My, Barbara Cameron is quite the chatty one.  She appears out of nowhere yammering to her husband Paul about a local ghost story.  Then she moves on to the titular killer tree.  Supposedly there is a treasure buried under it.  But if anyone comes looking for the treasure, they die.  Paul has no interest in her folk tales.  He and Clyde Bishop need to run some tests in the desert.  The trio zoom away in the jeep with Barbara yapping away.

Hey, wait a minute.  I’m getting a Sun Gold vibe here (the SFT episode, not the Medical Marijuana).  The drive-away and fade with her still talking was a deliberate, well-constructed gag.  I can spot one a mile away; usually a mile away from here.  I see Sun Gold’s director Eddie Davis also directed this episode. According to the book whose title is too long to type here, but is now shorter than if I had just gone ahead and typed it, both episodes were filmed concurrently to make use of the desert location and port-a-potty.  

While running their tests, they see an old man collapse from heat prostration. ^[2] He says his partner Frank is dead and a killer tree did it!  He tells the same story after he is rehydrated and on his feet, but from about 5 feet higher.  Barbara wants to know where the tree is, but Paul says they have to go finish their testing.  

Paul gives in when she says they shouldn’t leave the old guy stranded in the desert.  They don’t seem to care much about leaving his mule, though.  So he (not the mule) takes the fourth seat in the jeep, although strangely three of the seats are in the front, and directs them to the tree.  

They find it and Barbara takes some pictures.  She is startled when she sees a skeleton near the base of the tree.  She calls her husband and Clyde over to see the skeleton. The old man even wanders over.  Have a f***ing picnic, why don’t ya!  They know this is the killer tree, right?

They all walk away, but in a bizarre edit, Paul is suddenly unconscious on the ground.   Again, Barbara calls Clyde and the geezer over into the circle of death.  They are able to drag Paul to safety.  

However, once Paul is back on his feet, they again go into the perimeter of doom.  They observe that insects that fly seem to be ok, but insects that crawl on the ground are subject to the killer tree.  They determine it is Carbon Dioxide, rising from a petroleum reserve below the tree. 

It goes on with the old guy staking a claim, then being killed by the tree.  Our heroes bring in fancy equipment and discover that the tree sits on top of an active volcano, so I guess they were wrong about the oil.  They lower cameras into the ground on a “coaxial cable” and are able to see magma and Cinemax.  They hail this as a breakthrough in the study of seismology and simulated sex that will save thousands of lives.  ^[2]

The episode ended up being a let down, if such a thing is possible with SFT.  It started well and had a good pedigree.  However, it did not warm my heart like Sun Gold (the Medical Marijuana, not the SFT episode). There was a ‘splosion, but not the sense of mystery or adventure. The lead actress was another spunky, short-haired blonde but . . . let me check — yeah, she’s dead . . . a lesser knock-off of her Sun Gold counterpart.  Once the mystery is solved, there is really no point in continuing, but it does for another 8 minutes. 

You know, once you’ve opened the Ark — just shove it in a warehouse. 

Once you have the Sankara Stone — just put it back in the igneous trophy case. 

Once you find the Holy Grail — just ride off into the sunset. 

Once you return the Crystal Skull to the improbably narrow shoulders of an alien — just flee from the temple losing your greedy idiot turncoat pal who was the worst character in the series and watch a terrible CGI rendering of a UFO that should never been part of this movie and go to a wedding of a couple who haven’t seen each other in 20 years and where the bride was probably abused as a child by the groom and suffer through the nauseating threat that Shia LeBeouf is going to be the new Indiana Jones. ^[3]

Notes:

• [1]  Hey, it’s TVs Fred Ziffel, from Green Acres!
• One of the gang says the Carbon Dioxide is “penetrating a strata of rock.”  C’mon, you’re a scientist!  Fred Ziffel would have known strata is plural!
• [2]  Sadly, Skinemax seems to no longer be a thing.
• [3]  Going on a 10 year old memory, so it might have been very, very diff worse.
• Note to self:  Register Sun Gold as name for new Medical Marijuana brand.  Step 2: Partner with Rold Gold.

This one was almost never finished due to depression; and not mine, for a change.  Wait, I guess it is mine.  Parts of the story are just very sad.  Way too sad for this silly show.

Host Truman Bradley says over a picture of New York City, “Don’t let the bright lights fool you.  The production of a Broadway play, in all its technical aspects, is an exact science.”  One of the technical wizards is theater lighting director Jim Wells.  We see the master at work, a grizzled old guy, probably a WWII vet. ^[1] In his work-clothes and work-hat with the bill facing the right direction, he is efficiently pulling levers and checking gauges like an artist.  Oh no wait, here comes Jim — wearing a suit, a fancy hat, and with a trench-coat over his arm.  He is heading out at 5 pm, leaving the other nameless poor sap to do the real work.  Where’s the Shop Steward!  Wait, the boss is gone — where’s the Wine Steward!Jim is going to see the play’s costume designer Cathy Parker, but it is a social call.  Being of different sexes, they have to meet in private to avoid the stigma.  He rings the bell and Cathy comes down the stairs with a terrible limp.  That’s not the sad part.

They are actually a nice couple.  They have a nicer banter than we usually see on SFT.  This is a terrible print, but Cathy looks amazing in that slender dress.  Cathy’s 6-year old son Tommy unexpectedly comes out of his room.  So the beautiful, single woman has a child.  While a downer, that is not the sad part either.

Actually, Jim knew about Tommy and had been looking forward to meeting him — what a guy!   He has even brought Tommy a present.  Cathy had clearly been dreading this moment.  She introduces them.  Jim kneels and extends his hand.   With a blank, straight-ahead stare, Tommy feels around for Jim’s hand.  Tommy is blind.  OK, that is sad, but just the beginning.

Put’r there! No, here.

Cathy helps Tommy open the present Jim brought.  Jim protests and tries to stop her from unwrapping it.  It is a coloring book and crayons.  It just got sadder.

Jim tries to come up with an alternate description of the gift.  He goes off with a crazy story about wadding up the pages, and the crayons being sticks to bat them around.  Cathy breaks down in tears, but it is partially due to there being a racist Crayola labelled FLESH in the box. ^[4] The scene is cringe-inducing — and for a change with SFT, that is not a criticism.  It is a terribly sad, awkward situation — would I have handled it any better?

The next day at the theater, Cathy explains what happened.  Her family was in an automobile accident which killed her husband, broke her back, and left Tommy blind.  The other driver was not hurt, and was even able to swim like a fish and run like the wind right after the accident.  After a few days in a fake neck brace, he was well enough to be re-elected to the Senate. ^[5]  BTW, as they lounge around talking, the old guy is in the background working.

Jim’s college roommate from Dartmouth, Roger Kiley, now runs the Optic Clinic at Mercy Hospital.  He sets Tommy up with an appointment.  Dr. Kiley examines him twice and finds that the optic nerve is completely destroyed.  Jim suggests some experimentation, but Kiley says he’s not into that.

Back at the theater, we find out the old guy is named Bill.  Jim tells Bill he is taking Tommy fishing.  Bill tells him how, as a kid, he used to capture worms for bait.  At night, he would hose down the yard, turn on a lantern, and the worms would come to him.  Hearing that the worms could detect the light without eyes, Jim has an idea!

He calls Dr. Kiley and tells him about the worms.  Kiley is surprisingly knowledgeable about our vermicular-American friends.  He explains that they have photo-sensitive cells in their epidermis.  He speculates that the “soft tender skin of a child” might also be sensitive.

The next morning, Kiley does a brief, preliminary examination.  Holy crap, did he have Tommy take his shirt off for an eye exam? ^[3]  Then Kiley says, “Would you like to see me tomorrow?”  To the blind kid.  Really?  Is this what they teach at Dartmouth?  Waaait a minute — Dartmouth Medical doesn’t even have a Dept. of Ophthalmology, Optometry, or Otolaryngology (although that last one is irrelevant since it is an Ear, Nose, Throat, and Wallet doctor).

After a few more shirtless — seriously — exams, Kiley theorizes that Tommy is not sensitive to light, but is just feeling the warmth.  Jim suggests they try different colors of light which have different wavelengths.  In time, Tommy can distinguish colors and see movements that interrupt the light.  Through his skin.  Right.  The end.

I’m happy that any progress at all was made, but this isn’t going to help him with Playboy ^[2] in a few years.

Once you get through the sad parts, this is actually one of the better SFTs.  Jim and Cathy had nice chemistry, Tommy had that thousand yard stare nailed, they had a scientific basis for the story — even if it was Ludacris, and the kid does end up a little better than he started.

I rate it 20/50.

Other Stuff:

• [1]  Ha, at this point, WWII was only 11 years ago!  Well, war does things to a man.
• [2]  I really wanted to reference Pornhub.  But by the time that was invented, he wouldn’t care anymore.  In 1956, Playboy had been around for 3 years and the photography was not yet the god-awful mess it would become in 20 years.
• [3]  You’re thinking that the “soft tender skin” might be on his chest.  That makes sense, but Kiley seems to only be flashing the lights in a band across his eyes like they used to shine on Captain Kirk in Star Trek.  Plus, they make a point of saying the worm’s sensitive cells are on “what passes for a head.”  And in the last test and in a demonstration for Cathy, he is fully shirted.
• [4]  The article says the Flesh Crayon was discontinued in 1962.  Abalone, I remember them and it wasn’t no 1962!  I got yer flesh crayon right here, hee-hee!  Wait, that’s not very impressive.
• [5]  I will never forgive that asshole.
• It just seemed too creepy to caption that last picture “Tommy, do you like movies about gladiators?”