Tag Archives: Spicy Adventure Megapack

Message to Morgan – Guy Russell (1937)

Posted on by
Reply

sascover“Blonde-bearded” Don Jaime is hanging out with “bright-bandanna-ed Caribs, huge ring-nosed West Indian blacks, and hawk-nosed Spanish soldiery” in a Panama bar where everybody knows your hyphenated name.

He is feeling pretty good that everyone thinks Admiral De Vaca has taken his fleet to Cartagena.  He expects Captain Morgan to attack the town, falling for De Vaca’s ruse.  His scantily-clad serving wench cares only for the jewel Morgan wears in his neckerchief.  Note that the man at the bar, and two men not even on the mainland had names on the first half-page while the wench still does not.

As she wends her way through the crowd, a strap on her blouse is unraveled, so “a firm white curved breast escaped from its flimsy moorings to gleam naked and inviting.” The wench sneaks out the back door to make a name for herself — Rosa; also traitor.   She spills the beans to Roger Blake that De Vaca is just setting a trap for Morgan.  Blake sends a warning to Morgan then bangs Rosa behind the tavern.  Remember boys, Loose tits sink ships.[1]

The fiesta is interrupted by men who bust in and capture Blake as Rosa attempts “to cover her ivory nakedness with two small hands.”  So she is a triple-agent who has ratted out Blake for an unspecified number of pieces of silver.

Blake is hauled back to San Cristobal and chained in the dungeon.  Also in the dungeon is Black Richard — let’s just call him Richard — the man Blake sent to warn Morgan. He got the message through, but returned to town to look for Blake.  Now Rosa and Don Diego are laughing at his predicament.  As they are leaving, Rosa manages to leave behind a knife for Blake — aha, she is a quadruple-agent!

Blake orders Bl . . . er, Richard to try the ol’ sick prisoner routine.  Sure, it’s an oldie now, but maybe this was the first time it was ever used.  However, the sentry comes in and kicks Richard in the ribs.  This gets guard close enough for Blake to over-power him.  He and Richard go up the staircase.

As escapes go, this ain’t the great one.  Richard and Blake are recaptured almost immediately.  Realizing that Rosa gave Blake the knife, Don Diego orders her put into the Iron Maiden.  After being stripped, of course.  Richard explodes in a rage and breaks free of his chains to save the day and free Rosa before the Iron Maiden’s spikes can do much damage.

They head for the wharf so they can swim out to Morgan’s ship to warn him of the true plot.  Rosa is only wearing a cloak which she can’t swim in.  She nudes-up again and swims to the ship of pirates.  The spikes in that Iron Maiden might not seem so bad compared to the penetrations she is about to suffer.

Another story I just could not care less about.

Post-Post:

  • [1] Remembered from National Lampoon circa 1915.
  • First published in March 1937.
  • Admiral De Vaca in the same issue was a story by Jose Vaca?  Coincidence? Vaca is Spanish for cow — who would use that was a nom de plume?

Also seen today: The Break-In (Amazon Prime). Just awful.  Only 110 minutes and not one goddamn thing interesting happens for the first 105 minutes; or in the last five.  Actually, I did like the “twist” but it was not worth the wait; it might been tolerable as a short in a VHS anthology.  Or better yet, ABCs of Death.

Marriage for Murder – C.A.M. Donne (1937)

Posted on by
Reply

sascoverMaxie’s Magic Manhood Moss[1] is just one of many potions Maria purchases from Maxie Werner to land a fella.  The fact that she needs so many makes me think a Fitbit would be a better investment.

That is not the case, though.  Matt Rhodes, in Maxie’s shop to borrow money at a usurious rate, notices “beneath her thin white dress, the firm lines of her lithe body were exquisite.  Her small breasts, untrammeled by any brassiere thrust outward against the light fabric.  Her face was extraordinarily pretty with soft mouth and eyes, and proud nose and chin.  She was 18 or 19, he guessed.”

Apparently San Juan is a pretty small town, or Maxie’s is a really big shop.  As Maria turns to leave, she runs into Sylvester Jarvis, her former love interest who just married an older woman — for money, because MILFs had not been invented yet.  Like an episode of Lost, it just so happens that Rhodes knows Jarvis — he needs to borrow the money because Jarvis cleaned him out at the poker table.

When Jarvis suggests they should continue fooling around, Maria whips out a stiletto. Rhodes is a pretty good sport and grabs Maria from behind, and takes the knife from her, saving Jarvis.  Maxie loans him $30 and a good luck charm to use next time he decides to throw his money away by gambling.  He escorts Maria back to casa de Maria where she gives him a drink . . . dosed with Maxie’s Magic Manhood Moss!

As they are making out, Jarvis’s new wife Margaret shows up outside with a pistol — both are loaded.  She screams for her husband, thinking he is both inside Maria and inside with Maria.  She breaks in and mistakenly shoots Rhodes in the shoulder.  After he is conked on the head, he awakens to find Margaret dead, a stiletto in his hand, and Maria gone.  He suspects Maria framed him.

Maxie the full-service loan-shark stops by and tips off Rhodes that the police are on the way.  He has some ‘splaining to do about that useless-ass good luck charm too.  Maxie helps him to escape, but Rhodes realizes Maxie is just trying to set him up too, so he doubles back to the shop.  Sneaking into the cellar, he feels around in the dark until he finds Maria’s breasts.  She is tied up, and admits to killing Margaret, but says it was Maxie’s stockboy Vincenzo that conked Rhodes on the head.

Jarvis and Maxie were in cahoots.  Vincenzo, having a crush on Maria, tried to intervene. Rhodes ends up in control of the situation and forces Jarvis to write a confession, even to the murder that Maria actually committed.  He sees the two teens are crazy — and I mean literally loco — for each other, so let’s them go off together.

He does actually suggest they don’t keep any stilettos in the house.  No, really.

Post-Post:

  • [1] It would be far too disgusting for me to mention that this sounds like the debris from manscaping.[2]
  • [2] Except for [1] where I just mentioned it.
  • First published in March 1937.
  • Also that month:  H.P. Lovecraft dies.

Lust to Kill – Jose Vaca (1937)

Posted on by
Reply

sascoverCollins leaned against a ruined doorway and retched in the early Spanish dawn.

In the doorway across the street, a brown abused body of a young woman half lay, half sat.  Clothes had been ripped from her.  A bayonet still clung in the hideous wound between two cold breasts, the butt of the heavy rifle causing the body to sit half-erect.  Rigor mortis had set in long ago.  The nude corpse swayed grotesquely.

Well, this is a new kind of story for this collection.

Ken Collins, the one-eyed soldier-of-fortune is surveying the bombed out town square, but only in 2D.  When three men drive up, Collins goes a little nuts and immediately fires on them.  As two lay dead, he recognizes one of them as his commanding officer, General Gonzalez.  D’oh!

Two women haul the distraught American out of the street just before the man who escaped brings a group of soldiers to seek revenge.

Something just really turned me off on this one.  Maybe it was the knife between the cold breasts, maybe it was our hero murdering his commanding officer, maybe it was the war-time setting.  It just wasn’t the breezy romp with scantily-clad living babes that typifies this collection.

Meh.

Post-Post:

  • First published in March 1937.
  • Also that month:  HP Lovecraft dies.

Valley of Blood – Victor Rousseau (1936)

Posted on by
Reply

sascoverGovernor Mynheer van Stent tells Jim Darrell that his plane cannot cross the mountains.  Two other such aircraft had tried and the pilot’s heads were delivered to the governor by Dyak tribes.  They are responsible for killing men, women and children just for the fun of it.  As usual, their leader is a golden-haired white woman.[1]

Her husband and daughter were killed, but somehow she became queen of the tribe.  She then ordered all other women in the tribe to be killed leaving her alone with 300 men.

Dr. Beyers met her when he was once captured and forced to do a minor medical procedure on her; and prescribe 2,000 cases of K-Y Jelly.[2]  The compassionate doctor says, “they should all be wiped out like wild beasts.”

Darrell doesn’t mention that he found a message scrawled on a leaf in blood:  I am an English woman, come and save me.  There was even a diagram of the mountain range and a crude representation of the path which continued on leaf D-8.

Darrell takes off in his plane with a bearer[3] to find the woman.  The Governor was correct and the plane stalls over the mountains.  Darrell does a controlled crash. Despite the fact that his assistant[3] has been standing on the goddamn wing holding a strut the whole time, both walk away without a scratch!

The two men are met by the tribe led by a woman “with a crown of the brightest hair which hung down to her waist.  A woman, nude but for a loin cloth.  Two breasts superbly moulded.”  The tribe brought spears to a gunfight, but still manage to take Darrell and his side-kick[3] hostage.

Back at the tribe’s HQ, the woman gets Darrell alone and tells him her name is Marian Curtis.  She says only two other white men have found her and she killed them both.  So after giving Darrell a “glorious gift”, she must kill him too.  Darrell has a little trouble getting in the mood since he is facing death afterwards.  Marian leaves him, but her daughter Mary Alice secretly brings him some water.  It was she who wrote the loose-leaf note.

That night, the men will drink a love potion and Marian will choose which ones to “favor”. Although with one woman and three hundred men, I doubt a potion is really necessary. As part of the ritual, Darrell will also be “favored.”  And then ripped apart.  Luckily Mary Alice has a plan for them both to escape.

The plan works and they run, chased by Marian and fifty Dylaks.  Just as all is lost, as in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, they run into European forces which mow the brown people down with rifles.[4]

Meh, more of the same.  I’ll say this — the quality is pretty consistent.

Post-Post:

  • [1] I’m not sure whether it is racist or anti-racist that the villains in so many of the stories set in South America, Africa, Indonesia or the Middle East turn out to be blue-eyed, blonde white people.  1936, so I’ll assume racist.
  • [2] No Rx required, but it sounds better that way.
  • [3] Slave.
  • [4] Reviewing the clip, I see they were Indian, not European.  Well, under British rule, anyway.
  • First published in September 1936.

Queen of the Flaming Arrows – Frank E. Marks (1936)

Posted on by
Reply

sascoverLooking through his surveying scope, sinewy Bush Wyman spots a girl on a horse riding bareback — she is bareback, not the horse.

Something warm shoots past his ear.  This is not a Something About Mary moment; a flaming arrow has just missed his head, killed a nearby burro, and the streets ran red with salsa.[1] There is a message attached warning him to come neither further nor farther.  Strangely enough, the message is actually typewritten; apparently on asbestos.

Bush suspects a rival oil company is using this strategery to scare them off.  He grabs a machete and goes past the point where the new road has been cleared.  The machete has cut through the brush and also through the skull of a man who attacks him.  Bush identifies the man as one of them white Venezuelan Indians you always hear about.  Or am I supposed to call them Native South Americans?

Bush draws his revolver as the rest of his tribe appears.  He gets off a couple of shots but is captured.  He is taken to the largest bamboo shack in the village.  As he stands outside, a girl comes out onto the veranda “nude except for a girdle of dried twisted flowers and a necklace of fresher blossoms that sheltered her breasts.”  It is the same girl he saw on the horse.  “Her whole body was a symphony of breath-taking loveliness.”

She invites Bush up and says, “So Mr. Wyman, you didn’t heed my message.”  This Indian with the blonde hair and blue eyes says her name is Marjorie Packard.  She was educated in America but came to live here because she was sick of the greed in civilization.  Now the oil companies are trying to destroy her new home here too.  When Bush lays a kiss on her, she has him locked up.[2]

Bush escapes, but turns back when he hears a scream. The tribal chief is telling Marjorie that Bush will be killed unless she becomes his wife.  Bush hears this and busts down the door.  The Chief mis-underestimates Bush and gets his behind handed to him.

As Bush prepares to inflict some shock and awe on the Chief, Marjorie implores him to let the Chief live and rule her people even though he didn’t win the popular vote — she wants to go back to the USA.  “Her breasts throbbed provocatively” as she asks Bush to take her back home.

Bush clasped her quivering body, pressed her tightly, felt her warm against him.  Her firm breasts mashed on his chest . . . She turned up her moist lips.  Bush Wyman’s mouth closed over hers.

Mission Accomplished, baby!

Post-Post:

  • [1] I could have sworn I’ve heard burro as a synonym for burrito.  Seems to be rare to non-existent, though.
  • [2] Yep, she went to an American university alright.
  • First published in September 1936.
  • Also that month:  Buddy Holly born.