Travelling Salesman (2012)

travellingsalesman10“In 1956, renowned mathematician Kurt Gödel wrote a letter to John von Neumann postulating the existence of a single proof that could unlock the fundamental laws that bind our universe . . . Today it is considered the most important unsolved problem in computer science.  It is simply know as P vs NP.”

Well, it’s P = NP not P vs NP on the cover art, so maybe that’s the problem right there.

Four of the world’s greatest mathematicians are summoned to a tin shack.  Their research has produced the most dangerous weapon in history.  So they are meeting in a tin building with one glass wall.  While waiting for the team leader, the great minds get into a pedantic argument over whether all of the members had seen the addendum, as was the original agreement.

This is inter-cut with tape of a symposium introduction of the brilliant Dr. Timothy Horton, winner of the 2008 Fields Medal (also purveyor of a damn fine cup of coffee).

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When Mr. Big (a Mitt Romney doppelganger) arrives, he gives each of the men paperwork to sign to receive their $10 million per year’s work.  This is in addition to their hefty annual stipends for food, lodging and presumably hookers.  This is also tied to a non-disclosure agreement which effectively renders their discoveries top secret.

He tells the men this that the new cold war has begun and it won’t be fought with nuclear weapons.  It will be “a penny here, a penny there, an unresponsive power grid, a subverted stock exchange  The cumulative effect spirals the world economy and when the dust settles, the world is divied up.”  This new algorithm is the key to penetrating any encryption, rendering it as useless as Hillary’s firewall system.

There are extended discussions of the morality of their work, how it can be used to invade the privacy of citizens.  Mr. Big makes the absurd claim that because the four math geeks had the restraint to not abuse this power, then the government will also have enough self-control to refrain from using this technology against private citizens.

travellingsalesman12The four are also concerned that they will be identified by their peers as the ones who unleashed this monster.  In one of the few missteps, they trot out the old trope that the Los Alamos scientists are seen as evil for creating the A-Bomb that saved thousands of lives in WWII.  How many people outside of MSNBC believe still that?

I did appreciate that, for the most part, the discussions were not loaded West Wing style straw man harangues against the evil Republicans.  The discussion was political, but not partisan.  All of the mathematicians understand that giving this kind of power to the government is crazy (OK, maybe it was a little partisan, but not overtly stated).  After Mr. Big gets serious with threats to their families, they all sign the papers.

We see that later, Horton gets a letter from the White House signed by Obama thanking him for his service.  Holding it up to the light, we can see it has an Illuminati watermark.  This was the other misstep as it takes the film into the conspiracy theory arena.  Up to that point, it all felt very real-world.

Horton, has his revenge though.  Like Stephen Falken or Alan Turing, he has left a backdoor open.  He takes it upon himself to shut down the planet’s electrical grids, stock markets, airports and apparently trains like Snake Plissken.  So maybe Mr. Big wasn’t the biggest dick at the table.

These is a LOT of talking as you can infer from the action shots above.  But it reminded me of Primer or Margin Call — no traditional action, but it kept me glued to the screen for the entire run-time, even if I didn’t understand a lot of it.  Good stuff.

Post-Post:

  • Wow — what a cheap shot at Alan Turning!
  • The four greatest mathematicians in the country, and not an Asian or Indian among them?
  • Traveling has one L in US usage, but 2 L’s in other English speaking countries.
  • There could be no 2008 Fields Medal because it is awarded every four years, and 2008 was an off-year; even for the Winter Fields Medal.

Crawl or Die (2014)

crawlordie00OK, I have no problem with shaky-cams, but combine them with strobing light and quick-cut editing, and this film is in a deep hole even before it goes into a deep hole.

A group of soldiers seems to be in a firefight trying to rescue some civilians on white jumpsuits.  They discover a hatch in the forest and send a woman down to investigate.  It seems to be their only option, so they all go down and seal the hatch behind them.

Oh great, the movie is a flashback.

A military commander is showing his troops a picture of the last fertile, virus-free woman in the wold.  The troops are to snag this woman, board The Oklahoma and take a month month journey to Earth-2.

OK, not a flashback movie, we’re back to the future.

They find the underground chamber leads to a series of hatches and tunnels.  They’re going to have to do a titular CRAWL (which is helpfully splashed on the screen).  They enter a long circular tunnel about three feet in diameter.  They whole time we hear the grunts of the reptilian creatures which are pursuing them.  So creatures and a virus — OK, I’m down with that.

crawlordie55As they debate taking a break so The Package (their code name for fertile Myrtle) can get some doctor prescribed sleep, one of the soldiers is pulled into a side tunnel by an alien.  And I mean, pulled the hard way, bending him backwards at the waist.  As the alien chows down on him, the others manage to get away.  I wasn’t under the impression that the aliens weren’t after them as a food source, but we’re not given much to go on.

As they reach another resting point, the leader Tank strips off her pants and gives them to the doctor to make bandages.  Having already dispensed with her jacket, she is now down to a sports bra and spandex panties.  She climbs 30 feet down another tubular tunnel and places lights every few feet so she will have a clear, lighted, unobstructed shot at the alien as it comes down the tunnel.  Unless, you know, she falls asleep.

Which she does.  She wakes up at the last possible second and begins blasting the creature.  Not sure if it is only mostly dead, she leaves Doc to keep at eye on it.  Big mistake.  We get our first good look at the alien and it is pretty similar to . . . er, an alien — the H.R. Giger kind, with the long head and maybe even a smaller set of choppers in its mouth.

crawlordie18So now we are down to Tank and The Package with half the movie left to go.  After coming to the end of the tunnel, they have no option but to climb through an even small hole which seems to have been burrowed through the earth.  This one is maybe two feet in diameter.  I must admit, this did get me squirming.  Every time you think she might have reached the surface or a chamber, its just more tiny tunnel with no way to back up.

Improbably, one of the aliens has squeezed his giant noggin into the hole and is right behind them.  And speaking of behinds, this movie has the most extraordinary number of butt-shots in history.  Not that that’s a bad thing — Tank has clearly been spending time at the gym.  Sadly, the alien catches up to The Package and kills her.

Tank cuts the rope and continues down the hole.  She makes it through the earthen tunnel to another piece of tube.  This one is so small, she can barely manage the leverage to wriggle through.  And yet that alien is still chasing her with that giant melon.

crawlordie54After dropping through a slot to another lower level, she finds the ony way out is a horizontal slit which is just comical at this point.  A C cup wouldn’t have made it.  The only way things could get worse is if the tunnel was full of dirt.  So it is, and she has to start digging her way through.

With 5 minutes to go, there were a few directions this could go.  The ending was a little bit of a cheat, but after the intensity of the past hour, I was fine with it.

Complete lack of characterization: I was fine with it.  After a few minutes I even had to turn on Closed Captions to see what anyone’s name was.

Lighting: This was a mess from the first jittery scenes all the way through the tunnels. Maybe it worked using the the flashlights to light the scene rather than real camera equipment. No problem.

Sound: I loved the relentless clawing, roaring, chomping and scraping in the background as a constant reminder of Tank’s predicament.

The only real disappointment is in the dialogue, of which there is thankfully very little — especially in the last scene which is stunningly lame.

Also, maybe I’m an old-fashioned guy, but I don’t want my heroine to be named Tank. Who would have bought Tank: Tomb Raider?  Although maybe it would have helped the dreadful movies.  A last name only like Ripley, I’m OK with.

Having a female protagonist named Tank is like having a cat name Frank — it just ain’t something I want to cuddle with.

I never expected to see a film more claustrophobic than Buried, but this is it.

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This is just about the only decent shot we get of Tank.

 

 

Return of the Ape Man (1944)

returnapeman01Only the knowledge that this was not truly a sequel to The Ape Man gave me the strength to watch.  Even at a mere 59:45, nothing could make me watch Ape Man II: Electric Boogaloo.

According to the newspaper headline, local tramp Willie “the Weasel” is reported missing. The newspaper continues in the article sensitively referring to him as “the weasel” rather than as Willie. He was last seen talking to 2 “distinguished gentlemen”; although in relative terms to a tramp named weasel, that doesn’t narrow it down much.

Professor Dexter (Bela Lugosi) and Professor Gilmore (John Carradine) are raising the temperature in a special, presumably insulated, chamber in their lab from 100 below zero to room temperature.  They wheel out a gurney with a man — we have to assume it is Willie — and inject him with a serum and are able to revive him after four months of being frozen solid. They slip him a fiver and send him happily on his way.

returnapeman03Lugosi wants to test his theory for four years, or four hundred years.  Obviously, he wouldn’t be around to collect his Nobel Prize, so he cleverly decides to finds an ancient dead body and re-animate it.  He goes on an expedition to “Seek Prehistoric Men Embedded in Glacier.”  We get some nice jaunty music and footage culled from Alaskan Adventures (1926) showing his trip to the North Pole.  Even though obviously inserted into the movie, it is a nice change from the low-budget feel of Ape Man I.  After 10 months of back-breaking digging — by some grunts, not the Professors — they find a man.

returnapeman02After melting the block of ice that they shipped back to the states, the inject him with the serum which brings him back to life.  He attacks the Professors, but they are able to maneuver him in to a cell conveniently located in the lab.  Lugosi’s plan is to transplant a portion of a modern brain into the Ape Man, giving him powers of speech and reasoning, but leaving his memories of the good old days.

Carradine naively asks where he will get the donor brain, and Lugosi looks at him like he has USDA stamped across his forehead.  Surprisingly, Lugosi lures Carradine’s future son-in-law back to the lab and drugs him.  Carradine walks in and pulls a gun on Lugosi.  The future in-law is revived and remembers nothing of the incident.

The Ape Man breaks out of his cell, and shows a disconcerting amount of butt-crack as he wriggles out the window.  Lugosi manages to track him down — while wearing a tuxedo and carrying a blow-torch.  Sadly, the Ape Man was loose long enough to kill a policeman.

returnapeman04Carradine comes to the lab when he sees the murder reported in the newspaper.  Lugosi stuns him with electricity, ties him up and puts him in the deep freeze.  The operation is a success as the Ape Man gains the power of speech.  He then bolts out of the lab again.  Possessing part of Gilmore’s brain, he goes to Gilmore house and breaks in.  And inexplicably strangles Mrs. Gilmore.

The Ape Man returns to the lab and confesses to killing Hilda.  The cops show up and just start blasting away at the Ape Man, but not before he kills Lugosi.  Despite having more bullets in him than Michael Myers, he again flees the lab.

He returns to the Gilmore house, throws his niece over his shoulder and carries her off. He returns to the lab and puts her in the deep freeze room, ironically starting a fire so she is nearly killed by the heat and smoke.

Her fiance is able to save her at the last minute, but the Ape Man dies in the fire.  Although we don’t see the body, so the way is clear for The Ape Man Bounces Back, Beach Blanket Ape Man and I was a Teenage Ape man.

Post-Post:

  • John Carradine is the father of David, Robert and Keith Carradine.
  • Throughout the whole film, I kept thinking of Phil Hartman.

The Ape Man (1943)

apeman01Amazon teaser:  Conducting weird scientific experiments, crazed Dr. James Brewster (Bela Lugosi), aided by colleague Dr. Randall, has managed to transform himself into an ape.

A man hanging around the docks spots Dr. Randall’s picture in the newspaper concerning the disappearance of his colleague Lugosi.  Then he spots Randall hanging around the docks.  Sadly a possibly key piece of dialogue is unintelligible, and even the closed caption says [INAUDIBLE].

Lugosi’s sister Agatha gets off the boat and meets Randall.  He confides to her that he knows where Lugosi is — at the old family mansion, although “he’d be better off in the family cemetery plot.”  I sense a flashback.

apeman21They return to the mansion, and go through a secret panel behind the fireplace.  Not saying it is impossible, that that’s a nice feat of engineering having a fireplace that can pivot out into the room and still connect to a chimney.  He leads her to the lab and warns her.  He opens a door revealing a real gorilla; after that bit of misdirection, we see the less apish Lugosi.  He is at least 2 dudes along on the evolution chart, and actually looks a little like Cornelius or Zira from Planet of the Apes.  Really, other than facial hair, I don’t see the problem.

The only way to reverse him back to a human requires the taking of spinal fluid from another human which would mean death for them.  Randall refuses to help at that cost.

Frustrated, Lugosi dons a coat and hat and takes the gorilla out.  He and the gorilla go to Randall’s office and kill his assistant, enabling Lugosi to extract his spinal fluid.

apeman20Randall injects Lugosi with the serum.  It does humanize him a bit, at least allowing him to walk upright, but the effects are short-lived.  He takes the gorilla out for a series of murders to secure a fresh supply of the fluid.  Randall, however, has reservations about killing people in order for Lugosi to walk upright for a few minutes.

There are a lot of elements to like here: a wise-cracking reporter, his hot photographer partner, a gorilla, an ape-man, Lugosi.  Sadly, it just doesn’t come together.  This film somehow seems to have both too much and too little going on during its brief 64 minute run-time.

I give this one only 25% of a barrel full of monkeys.

Post-Post:

apeman23apeman26

The Human Monster (1939)

humanmonster02This was a hard one to watch — literally.  The print at Amazon is awful, often making it impossible to distinguish what is on the screen.

The English accents also made watching difficult.  On the plus side, the captioning was crisp and clear.

We start off with several nice shots of bodies tossed up against a pier, bobbing in the surf and a couple washing up on the shore.  A headline in The Insurance Monitor — “The Oldest Insurance Journal in the World” — says insurance circles are alarmed at the increase in drowning fatalities.  Since all these corpses seem to be fully dressed, that does seem strange.

Inspector Holt is assigned the case, and he is buddied up with O’Reilly, a Yank who has come to learn the British way of solving crimes.

humanmonster03Dr. Orloff (Bela Lugosi) is an insurance broker and known as a very generous man. While loaning Mr. Stuart £2,000, Lugosi generously offers to write him an insurance policy with himself as beneficiary.  He also suggests that Stuart pay a visit to the home for blind vagrants to learn the joy of charity.

Stuart does visit the home and is greeted by Lugosi who gives him the full tour which includes being killed by a giant deformed blind man and tossed in the Thames.

By helpful coincidence, his hot daughter Diana has returned from America that same day and able to identify the body.  Lugosi offers her a job as a secretary at the home for blind bums.

humanmonster09Diana goes directly to the home and gets the same tour as her father, except less murdery.  She uncovers evidence that Lugosi killed her father, leading to a twist of not quite Sixth Sense proportions.

This film was much darker than The Devil Bat and Scared to Death.  It is not without humor, but blind men, the deformed giant, the taking of a blind man’s hearing, and the callous disposal of bodies keep the film from veering off into farce.

Post-Post:

  • Writer Edgar Wallace got a “Conceived by” credit on the original King Kong.  55 years after he died, he got a “Story by” credit on Revenge of the Living Dead Girls.
  • Released as The Dark Eyes of London, in England, this was the first film to receive the English “H” rating signifying it was too “horrific” for children under 16.  Or the last, depending which source you trust.
  • I had never heard the term Agony Column.