I happened to see this in one of Roger Ebert’s^[1] “Great Movies” anthologies that I picked up for a cool $1.99 at Amazon.  I also noticed it was streaming on Amazon.  But mostly I noticed it was only 68 minutes.

Even from the opening title card, cheap, low-budget B-movie is written all over this black & white noir.  And yet it made the cut as a “Great Movie”.  Well, I always appreciated Ebert’s open mind.

Shabbily dressed Al Roberts gets a lift from a man who drops him at a diner.   A song on the jukebox flashes him back to better times when he was the piano man in a bar and the microphone disgustingly smelled like a beer.  The singer was his fiance Sue.

On the walk back to Sue’s apartment, the fog is sometimes so thick that they are barely visible (i.e. the budget was so low that this scene was probably filmed in the director’s garage).  Sue has decided to postpone their wedding so she can try to make it in Hollywood.  Al just kind of pouts and let’s her go without much of an argument.

Even at 68 minutes, you get the feeling this movie was padded out. Al decides to give Sue a call, and we are treated (and 70 years later, it is kind of a treat) to literally see stock footage of switchboard operators, and wires along the countryside as they are transmitting his call.  Making that mechanical, labor-intensive system work was actually a more amazing creation than the actual phone.  That was like moon-shot level (and just as extinct).

Maybe this was a way of making up for Al’s method of speaking on the phone.  As he talks to Sue, we see only his side.  He is frequently answering questions she must have asked, but could not possibly have had the time given his motormouth, non-stop acting style.^[3]  We get only one brief non-speaking glimpse of Sue during the conversation.

Al hitches rides across the country lamenting his lack on money, “the stuff that has caused more trouble in the world than anything else we ever invented.” Well, except religion.

One day in Arizona, he gets a lift from a man named Haskell in a nice convertible who is going all the way to Los Angeles.  A few days later, Al is doing the driving, but Haskell isn’t responding.  Al opens the door, but Haskell falls out dead of a heart attack, bashing his head on a rock.  Afraid of being accused of murder, he pulls a Don Draper and steals the man’s identity; although, to be fair, he didn’t blow the man up like Don Draper, he just hid him in some bushes.

When he pulls over for gas the next day, he picks up a woman hitchhiking — this guy is Don Draper.  Turns out — what are the odds — she had actually also gotten a ride with Haskell earlier, so she knew Al was pretending to be Haskell.  Vera is quite a piece of fast-talking work.  She blackmails Al and begins ordering him around.  Before he knows it, he is in Los Angles, but instead of reuniting with Sue, he and the hitchhiking blackmailer Vera are shacking up.

This could almost be a parody of noir if it had any laughs; lacking laughs, maybe they could add to the series and call it Noiry Movie.  Al is such a poor actor, it is comical.  He is grossly miscast, and acts like this was his first talkie after a career in silents.

The dialogue lacks all the crackle you expect from a flick like this.  I don’t know if I should say they were trying too hard or not trying at all.  When they are sharing the room, Vera shows him a Murphy Bed and asks, “Do you know how to work it?”  He says, “I invented it.”  Hunh?  Does that have some double entendre that I’m missing?

She says, “I’m first in the bathtub.  He dully responds, “I don’t know why, but I figured you would be.”  Hunh?  Set ups like these should be gold, Jerry, gold!

After Vera goes into the bathroom, Al is able to quietly call Sue.  She is sitting in exactly the same chair, clothes and bracelet as when he speed-called her days before.  This time, he says nothing, and she just says, “Hello?  Hello?  Hello?”  But Al decides to put the call off for a day, thinking of Vera.  Sue’s role is every Doonesbury strip ever printed.  Except funnier and more politically insightful.

But Vera is still a bitch in the morning (or “rotten” as potty-mouth Al crudely puts it). They decide to sell Haskell’s car.  While Al is about to sign the papers, Vera rushes in and stops the sale.  Her new plan is for Al to impersonate Haskell’s son and steal the inheritance.

I must admit, the ending did take me completely by surprise.  But it was a rough ride to get there.  Al was terrible, he had too many voice-overs, Vera just had me wondering what Barbara Stanwyk was doing while this was filmed.

I have to read that Great Movies chapter again to see what I missed.^[2]  Or just go watch Double Indemnity again.

Post-Post:

• ^[1] Great writer, but holy shit can we stop with the canonization?  Not since the funny days of SNL have we seen such worship of a guy who was just good at his meaningless-in-the-big-scheme-of-things job (just to be clear, referring to Giamatti, not Hartman).
• ^[2] Well, I did miss that the first few vehicles that pick Al up seem to have the steering wheels on the wrong side.  Ebert suggests the negative was flipped.
• ^[3] It also bugs me when actors on film take a drink and they keep they don’t keep the clearly empty glass at their mouth long enough for a molecule to spill out.

It starts out with Claire just staring mindlessly at the TV.  She is clearly a little hefty, but based on later shots, she is seems to have been de-glammed even more for these shots — like an overweight Chloe from 24.

She is intermittently flashing back to a sepia afternoon when she caught her husband having some delight with another woman rode her boyfriend cowgirl style.

The camera slowly zooms in on the other woman’s face so intensely, and the way she refuses to avert her gaze or be embarrassed at being busted, it leads you to think there are going to be some fangs-a-poppin’ soon.  In fact, through-out the credits we continue to see them humping — is Claire still watching?  Why does the woman frequently look directly at the camera?  Is Claire still there?  No, so it is just baffling.

After a gratuitous, yet welcome cry, demurely naked in the shower, she tells her best friend she is moving home to Chicago.  Her friend thinks the move is irrational and says, “When Steve and I broke up, I lost like 20 pounds.”  Suddenly this breakup sounds very rational for Claire to me.

On her way to Chicago, a 3-day drive, she pulls into an Interstate Rest Stop which is as disgusting as an Interstate Rest Stop (although not as bad as Rest Stop). It is plenty disturbing with a crazy woman sitting on the filthy floor, and disgusting stalls. As soon Claire finds one tolerable enough to take a seat in, the crazy woman bangs on the door screaming, “Got any toilet paper?”  That’s enough for Claire to hold it in for a few more miles, but later realizes she has lost her phone in the rest room — so that is trope is taken care of.

If the day can’t get any worse, her car gets a flat tire (maybe) and she coasts to the side of the road.  She opens the trunk and unloads the 3 boxes that she apparently brought into this relationship.  Then she opens the hood.  So it’s not clear what is wrong with the car. She does, however, take this opportunity to pee shielded by the car — standing up, I might add.

She flags down a car, and we learn that the car just stalled.  Creepy guy Gus^[1] stops and she accepts a ride with him to town for a hotel and mechanic.  Gus at least gets her to Eddie’s Garage without killing her, so that’s good.

While Eddie is towing her car back, she falls asleep and this time flashes back to catching her boyfriend cheating again.  This time, he is on top of the woman — how the hell long did she watch? Or are these just obsessive little hallucinations she’s having?  Maybe that’s why the other woman always has a bra on.

Her timing belt is shot and will cost $600 to fix.  She reluctantly but blatantly offers herself to Eddie in exchange for a discount, but he graciously offers to not charge for Labor or the Tow — so, what a swell guy.  Their paths cross again in the local bar where the mechanic, the bartender and every customer is somehow menacing. Especially the one who slipped the rufie into her drink while she was making a call at the last pay-phone in America.

She wakes up in the garage gagged and tied to a chair.  When she won’t answer a few simple questions, he takes a Zippo to her fingers.  He unties her hands and hands her a knife.  He tells her to pretend her leg is her cheating husband, and STAB herself — and that if she doesn’t do a sufficient job, he’ll stab the other one. So there’s a chance this guy might be crazy.

He makes her wipe all the make-up off her face.  Then he cuts her hair.  After she dips her fingers in acid to remove the nail polish, she pretends to like him and appreciate his beauty tips, fearing a waxing is next.

She does seduce him into untying her, and her plan is working out pretty well until an ill-timed visit by the gruff but lovable Gus, just checking up on the girl he helped earlier. Things don’t go so well for Gus, but Claire has time to grab a mallet and start pounding away at Eddie.  What happens next is an interesting twist on a couple of horror tropes, worthy of not being spoiled.

My expectations started out very low as Ashley James did not seem to be much of an actress.  I think part of this was due to the constantly underestimated importance of sound recording in a movie.  Also, over the past year, I’ve noticed a lot of actresses that are mediocre in simple dialogue scenes, but can really bring it when the action and emotions ramp up.

As writer-director, Megan Freels pretty much gets the blame or credit for everything — this is her joint. Story-wise, it was nothing original, but did take an unusual turn at the end which I appreciated.  It was effectively scored with nice track that followed her, but did not get insane when the action did — and no stingers!

The casting also worked, especially with Ashley James as a woman who was not classically beautiful and had a few extra pounds, but also was pretty enough to think 3 years ago maybe she had a shot in Hollywood.  Some of the local folk were a little over-the-top, but who doesn’t love creepy small-town folk suspicious of a new single woman passing through.

My only very minor criticism of Ms. Freels — girl loves her close-ups.  It seems like I was constantly noticing that the camera was pushed in so close that the tops of heads were lopped off (and not in the good way).

But if that is the only thing I can complain about, it’s a success.   Well-produced, well-performed proof that you can make a simple but effective movie on the cheap. I was never once bored.

 Post-Post:

• Title Analysis: At first I didn’t get it, but ultimately, I connected the multiple meanings.  Nice touch.
• It always bothers me that people on screen almost never sweat when being tortured.  I don’t know why that would necessarily occur, but it seems like it would happen.  Also, characters are usually way too blase when a limb is chopped off.
• Megan Freels is the grand-daughter of Elmore Leonard.  The only thing I ever read of his is Fire in the Hole, a collection of short stories which I remember being very good.  Of course, him being universally revered, who gives a shit what I think?
• ^[1] Creepy Guy being defined as a guy who doesn’t look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, yet has the audacity to speak to a woman out of his league.

Very generic start as a couple of “teenagers” drive into the woods to start making out. The guy is wearing his hat backwards and has an earring, so I am immediately hoping to protect the gene-pool with his death.  Holy shit, do I spectacularly get my wish; sadly, some good genetic stock is lost as the girl is no luckier.  However, it was a very effective opening for a movie I just picked because of the cover.

A foursome of young guys swing by to pick up three girls.  When things get tight, one of the rocket scientists suggests taking out the spare tire so everyone will fit.  Surely nothing will become of that.

They miss their turn because one of the guys, Chase (and really, has there ever been a good guy in the movies named Chase?)^[1], is being an asshole, and they mistakenly turn a down a deserted road.  Still being a prick, Chase thinks it would be funny to chuck a beer can at a big guy ambling down the dirt road.  It is quite a hoot until the road ends and their tires get caught in some barbed wire.  If only there were some type of tire invented for such occasions.

The guy, Hector, who could be Danny Trejo’s less attractive hermano, turns out to be a pretty good sport about it, but it is clear they better not pull any shit like that again.  The seventh wheel, Jake, volunteers to walk back to civilization to get help.  Hector suggests they build a fire, so the group actually does something useful for a once.

The guys start telling jokes, but Hector gets very serious and says he has a story.  It is about some teenagers who went up to Diamond Mountain . . . but they were not alone.  A crazy guy came to their camp and killed them one by one.  Everyone freaks out at this knee-slapper because he is one scary dude — although, with lovely teeth.  Seriously, in contrast to long stringy hair, tattoos, ratty facial hair, a wife beater and really bad skin — his teeth are effervescent!  Probably paid for in prison with tax-dollars.

Chase throws his girlfriend over his shoulder, literally, and the go off into the woods to have the sex.  When he doesn’t have a condom on him (literally or figuratively), Amy sends him back to get one.  Still being an unbelievable asshole, he thinks it would be funny for DeVaughn to go back and scare her instead as she is laying there half naked.  And it is pretty funny — until they’re both murdered.  Sadly, it couldn’t have been Chase, but DeVaughn was black so he had to go first according to the rules of horror movies.

After searching 5 minutes for Amy and DeVaughn, the remaining group decides to all walk back to town.  After they find Amy’s severed hand, they decide to run back to town.  Or at least try driving it with a flat tire.

After they climb into the SUV, they conveniently find a newspaper that no one had seen when this one vehicle was crammed with 7 people, and the full page story with a color picture was sitting right there.  They learn that Hector is an escaped murderer who had been sent to prison by Crystal’s father.  Coincidentally, after sitting on his ass all day enjoying his budget-busting pension, Crystal’s retired father finally gets around to reading the morning paper at about the same time.  He alerts the currently active, future financial burdens on society in uniform and joins them in a search.

The group find Jake’s flashlight and we get a flashback of his death.  Finally, for the love of god, Chase gets an arrow shot through him.

Bree, Crystal and Will start to run, but Crystal and Will only have to be faster than Bree as she gets her throat cut.  Then Crystal only has to be faster than Will, as I naturally root for the girl.  They find a home surrounded by several cargo containers.  Then they find themselves surrounded by one container as they are tied to a table inside of one of them.

Their assailant, who we have long ago figured out is not Hector taunts them, running a huge knife across their throats as they scream for mercy.  But the heart wants what it wants, and not-Hector pulls down Will’s pants.  What follow is too gross to describe (unless my word count is running short, of course).

Hector bursts in to save the day; well, at least Crystal.  He whoops ass on non-Hector, not entirely successfully, until Crystal has a chance to put that knife in his back.  Hector tells her that the story he told in camp was about his sons being murdered by this crazy family in the mountains.  He was convicted for the murders of his sons, but busted out of prison after 5 years to take his revenge.

Some have complained that it was too slow, but I found it to be a solid ride.  The sole exception being the character of Chase — why does every horror movie have to have at least one character that is such an unbelievable asshole that no one would want to associate with him (and why do hot chicks always flock to them (of course, that is based on reality so I really can’t complain))?

Overall, it looked great.  It was well cast and the performances were good, although it took the girls a little while to settle into their roles, I thought.  Were there cliches?  Yes, to the tune of aplenty.  But I don’t deduct points for that.

Time well spent.

Post- Post:

• ^[1] I did think of Chase Edmunds in Season 3 of 24 — a good guy who even shared a fate with Amy.  Although he lived to scream about it.
• Title Analysis — How is it that such a natural title has not been used before?  Ever, as far as I can see.  It’s like The Eagles — I can understand Toad the Wet Sprocket being available, but how had no big act ever been called The Eagles?

“In 1956, renowned mathematician Kurt Gödel wrote a letter to John von Neumann postulating the existence of a single proof that could unlock the fundamental laws that bind our universe . . . Today it is considered the most important unsolved problem in computer science.  It is simply know as P vs NP.”

Well, it’s P = NP not P vs NP on the cover art, so maybe that’s the problem right there.

Four of the world’s greatest mathematicians are summoned to a tin shack.  Their research has produced the most dangerous weapon in history.  So they are meeting in a tin building with one glass wall.  While waiting for the team leader, the great minds get into a pedantic argument over whether all of the members had seen the addendum, as was the original agreement.

This is inter-cut with tape of a symposium introduction of the brilliant Dr. Timothy Horton, winner of the 2008 Fields Medal (also purveyor of a damn fine cup of coffee).

When Mr. Big (a Mitt Romney doppelganger) arrives, he gives each of the men paperwork to sign to receive their $10 million per year’s work.  This is in addition to their hefty annual stipends for food, lodging and presumably hookers.  This is also tied to a non-disclosure agreement which effectively renders their discoveries top secret.

He tells the men this that the new cold war has begun and it won’t be fought with nuclear weapons.  It will be “a penny here, a penny there, an unresponsive power grid, a subverted stock exchange  The cumulative effect spirals the world economy and when the dust settles, the world is divied up.”  This new algorithm is the key to penetrating any encryption, rendering it as useless as Hillary’s firewall system.

There are extended discussions of the morality of their work, how it can be used to invade the privacy of citizens.  Mr. Big makes the absurd claim that because the four math geeks had the restraint to not abuse this power, then the government will also have enough self-control to refrain from using this technology against private citizens.

The four are also concerned that they will be identified by their peers as the ones who unleashed this monster.  In one of the few missteps, they trot out the old trope that the Los Alamos scientists are seen as evil for creating the A-Bomb that saved thousands of lives in WWII.  How many people outside of MSNBC believe still that?

I did appreciate that, for the most part, the discussions were not loaded West Wing style straw man harangues against the evil Republicans.  The discussion was political, but not partisan.  All of the mathematicians understand that giving this kind of power to the government is crazy (OK, maybe it was a little partisan, but not overtly stated).  After Mr. Big gets serious with threats to their families, they all sign the papers.

We see that later, Horton gets a letter from the White House signed by Obama thanking him for his service.  Holding it up to the light, we can see it has an Illuminati watermark.  This was the other misstep as it takes the film into the conspiracy theory arena.  Up to that point, it all felt very real-world.

Horton, has his revenge though.  Like Stephen Falken or Alan Turing, he has left a backdoor open.  He takes it upon himself to shut down the planet’s electrical grids, stock markets, airports and apparently trains like Snake Plissken.  So maybe Mr. Big wasn’t the biggest dick at the table.

These is a LOT of talking as you can infer from the action shots above.  But it reminded me of Primer or Margin Call — no traditional action, but it kept me glued to the screen for the entire run-time, even if I didn’t understand a lot of it.  Good stuff.

Post-Post:

• Wow — what a cheap shot at Alan Turning!
• The four greatest mathematicians in the country, and not an Asian or Indian among them?
• Traveling has one L in US usage, but 2 L’s in other English speaking countries.
• There could be no 2008 Fields Medal because it is awarded every four years, and 2008 was an off-year; even for the Winter Fields Medal.