One Step Beyond had a good run of episodes set in the USA — two.  The tally is now 9 out of 17 episodes of this American series being set elsewhere.  This week we are asked to empathize with the crew of a Nazi U-Boat.  Is it too late to get that Hollywood Blacklist back?

U-Boat 147 is docked off the coast of Northern Germany.  Everyone who thought Germany was landlocked, rise your right hand. No, wait, don’t!  They are welcoming aboard Herr Bautmann, an aide to Der Fuhrer.  He is played by Werner Klemperer, Klink from Hogan’s Heroes.  In less than one minute, the words Hauptmann, Captain and Kapitan are all used.  Thus the TV precedent is established for Sgt. Schultz’s ein, zwei, three, four style of speaking. ^[2]  

As Bautmann is boarding, the sub is strafed and bombed.  The plane’s crew should be embarrassed that, with no defensive fire, they did not kill any Nazi’s or damage the sub.  The SFX crew should be embarrassed that the strings on the model plane are clearly visible. ^[1]  They submerge, but hear a clanging on the hull.  Fearful that they have left a man or bottle of schnapps on deck, the Captain wants to resurface, but Bautmann orders him not to.  Strangely, the entire crew is accounted for.

Bautmann takes a nap, but is awakened by the crew singing.  He is not mad, though.  He is cheered by the vitality of the young Aryan men on board.  He joins them with a bottle of cognac.  The clanging starts again and he nervously drops the bottle.  He runs to the captain and demands to know what the sound is.  He gets increasingly frantic and accuses the crew of doing this to “shake his nerves” and rattle his brain.

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!

The captain surfaces and the crew begins searching again for the source of the banging.  Bautmann is snoozing outside on the conning tower.  Word has come over the radio that Hitler has killed himself.  Bautmann is furious that someone has made up this lie to make him crazy.  He takes the radio and reports to the crew that Hitler died as a hero, leading his troops into battle.  Imagining that little uni-testicled asshole doing such a thing will be the best laugh you have in the next 5 minutes (admittedly a low bar).

The captain gets word that a ship is approaching, and orders the sub to dive.  Bautmann is furious that he won’t stay surfaced and find that clanging.  In observation of Axis Diversity Day, a crewman uses a karate chop to shut him up.

While the sub is pursued by the ship, Bautmann wakes up in his bunk.  He runs to the bridge shouting, “I can’t breathe!”  Then the clanging begins again.  He cries like [NAME REDACTED] ^[3] for the pounding to stop.  He finally passes out and the noise also stops.  The captain then realizes that they only hear the clanging when Bautmann is awake.

As depth charges explode around them, the Captain decides to surface and surrender.  Hitler is dead, the war is over, and he has no clean turtlenecks left, so what is the point?

Klempererer really chewed the bulkheads as he played Bautmann going insane.    The story didn’t quite gel, though.  Why did this phenomenon attach itself to him?  Sure, he’s a Nazi, but look around — they’re all Nazis!  Don’t forget that!  I guess we are to assume that he was an especially bad egg because he served so close to Hitler.  Then why was it audible to everyone, unlike the Tell-Tale Heart which was clearly an inspiration?  It was clearly directed at Bautmann since it occurred only during his waking hours.  

I guess that doesn’t really matter, and they only had 25 minutes to cram the story into.  On a note so routinely positive that it is getting boring — this show again looks fabulous!  The model at the beginning is only jarring because it is cut in with much other actual footage.  Kudos also on the submarine set.  It felt very accurate to me — to this day, I remember the layout, the claustrophobia, the smell of my countrymen packed in.  I must admit, I spent time aboard a German U-Boat during the war. ^[4]  

Disturbing banging on naval vessels became a regular trope.  We saw it on The Twilight Zone in the 1960’s.  Then in the 1970’s with these guys.

John Newland sez, “Next week we travel to the chateau country of France.”  Sacre bleu!

Other Stuff:

• [1]  No points deducted for that.  It is really only an issue because it was preceded by so many great inserts of actual war footage.  Besides, seeing a model is kind of charming vs the CGI we are used to.
• [2]  Bautmann is a civilian.  If he were a captain, he would be Hauptmann Bautmann.  That’s almost the Nazi equivalent of Major Major, but not as funny.  Whaddya want, they’re f***ing Nazis.
• [3]  Nope, not here either.
• [4]  OK, it was about an hour inside U-505 at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry during the Gulf War, but isn’t that actually better?

So last week, I finally figured out the key to appreciating Tales of the Unexpected was to lower my expectations.  It also works for Ray Bradbury Theatre and, my parents cryptically tell me, other things.  Maybe the key to appreciating One Step Beyond is to look forward to whatever spectacle they have planned for the week.  From the Titanic to bombed out Europe to the Big Top, OSB has made the most of great locations and stock footage.

Unless the two guys on the truck are Moe and Larry, I have no idea what is going on here. This guy jumped off the truck, looped the hose around the hydrant, and the truck is continuing on. Sadly the shot was cut before hilarity ensued.

Host John Newland tells us “Last year American Fire Insurance Companies paid out a good many thousands of dollars for damages from fires they found difficult to explain.”  However, he then opts to tell us about such a fire from 1921.  It must have been one of those underground coal fires that burn forever because the video shows vehicles clearly from decades later.  Hey, here’s this week’s swell stock footage!  And I’m not being sarcastic — we get some great footage of firemen rolling up and fighting a blaze.

Extras in laughably anachronistic clothes flee from Purdy’s Pharmacy like they just found out the Coke no longer contains cocaine.  Purdy tells Fire Chief Keating that the fire started from nowhere.  He calls over local high school doofus Tim Plunkett to confirm his story.  Tim says he was nowhere near the barrel that caught fire, but he rats out Patty and Alice.  Purdy vouches for Patty, but Alice is new in town.  Like all pretty young blondes with a snappy bod, she is ostracized by the kids at school.  If she wore glasses, they’d stone her.

Back at home, Alice learns that Patty’s father is her father’s boss at his new job “putting shingles on his barn.  If he likes me, he might keep me on.”  This is a little jarring since that is pretty manly, blue-collar work for a guy at home reading the newspaper in suspenders and a necktie.” ^[1]  Also jarring because it is The Chief from Get Smart.

Alice clearly loves her father, but he does tell her not to “ruin things” again this time.  Worse is her nasty Aunt Mildred who lives with him.  She is a bitter old crone who resents Alice’s youth and beauty.  Before dinner, Will gets a visit from the Fire Chief.  He is speaking to everyone who was at Purdy’s.  Will angrily accuses Alice of starting the fire.  They have had to move 3 times because of her shenanigans.

The next night, Alice culturally appropriates as a gypsy for a Halloween party.  Aunt Mildred catches her on the way out and berates her for dressing like a gypsy, a tramp, a thief.  Mildred really goes nuts on her like Margaret White on Carrie’s prom night.  Mildred gives her a nasty slap and Alice runs from the house like she just stole a chicken. ^[2]

Sadly, she takes a shortcut through the woods that goes past the ol’ Plunkett shack.  Tim grabs her and drags her inside.  Within seconds, we hear her screams and fire shoots out of the window.  Alice runs out in tears.  Tim stumbles out with burnt arms and — presumably — massively swollen bruised balls.

Will arrives home after work, again dressed in a three piece suit.  This guy is the Oliver Wendell Douglas of roofers except he doesn’t have a wife who takes showers outdoors behind the house.  The Fire Chief is already there questioning Mildred.  A  farmer found Alice hiding in his barn and took her home.

Alice is thrashing around deliriously in bed.  She is yelling at Mildred for talking bad about her deceased mother.  As she gets angrier, smoke starts to rise from the bed.  Finally, in an impressive effect, the bed bursts into flames while Alice screams at Mildred, “You made this happen!”

Will says in disbelief, “It started all by itself!  I saw it!”  Mildred says, “Not by itself.  There’s a devil in her!  She’s a witch!”  Sadly it ends there without us seeing Will boot Mildred out of the house.

It is nice to see OSB expand its niche a little.  There were several nice touches here that could have been even better in a one hour format.  Or 98 minutes.  Or directed by Brian De Palma.  Still, the fresh idea and great effects make this a fine episode.

Other Stuff:

• [1]  Maybe that is just another sign of the frequent theme here — the degradation of society.  In the 1960’s, white-collar worker Ward Cleaver lounged around in a suit and tie.  In the 1920’s, blue-collar workers lounged around in a suit and tie.  In the 19th century, well, the guy in the white suit and ribbon tie lounged around while . . . er . . . other people did the work.
• [2] Sadly, unlike in Carrie, we got no discussion of her Dirty Pillows.  Or more appropriately, given the crazy accusations by Mildred, her Dirty My Pillows.
• Olive Deering (Mildred) went on to play Moses’ sister in The Ten Commandments.

Including this seemed like a good idea, but WOW is this not as good as I remembered:

Host John Newland tells us, “we are about to go beyond the gay grinning face of the circus into the very private world of the Flying Patruzzios.” Had they really wanted to get dramatic, the episode would have been about the clown car which now has only 2 passengers due to COVID social distancing.

Said Patruzzio’s are backstage preparing for their next performance in the Big Top.  Mario is a typical angry hot-head movie Italian like Sonny Corleone when he beat up Carlo, or the toll booth operator when Sonny showed up with a $20 bill.  Mario is pissed at being treated like a child.  Well, he is 34 years old.  However, Mama Patruzzio just wants to be sure her bambino is ready for his death-defying trapeze act (i.e. doesn’t go BAM! BINO!).  Also learned from The Godfather: Italian women over 30 have no names.

His father Gino nags him about his “fantasy wife” Carlotta which is puzzling because she actually is his wife.  I guess it is because she speaks to men outside the family.  Gino rants that people are laughing behind their backs and it could not possibly be because of their stereotypical, loud, hand-waving arguing or glittery skintight unitards.

But they set that aside when it is showtime.  As always, the One Step Beyond production looks great. The Flying Patruzzios are preceded by an elaborate act featuring many horses.  They are enthusiastically received by the ladies, gentlemen, children and flies of all ages.

The Patruzzio’s act fortuitously takes place “80 feet” in the air, presumably to allow some clean-up after the horses.  They begin with the standard trapeze act.  It is simple, but even today is pretty thrilling and beautiful.  There is nothing technology can do to improve (i.e. ruin) the harmony of gravity, timing, and strength needed for the act.  Gino and Mario swing out on their trapezes.  Then Gino flips into Mario’s hands.  Then Mario flips back to his trapeze and swings back to the platform.  Cool.

Then the ringmaster announces that they will continue the act without a net.  Which is a metaphor meaning they are working without . . . oh wait, I guess that’s where that came from.

The Carnies Local 763 (named for the number of fingers the 100 members have) take down the nets and the Patruzzios step out onto the platform.  Mario swings out to grasp Gino’s arms.  They seem to have made a solid connection, but Gino’s arms slide out of Mario’s grip.  Gino falls 80 feet, although I think about 40 of them are shills.  Whether the fumes of the horse shit finally rose to that level, or it was the olive oil sandwich Mario just had is not made clear.

Mario miraculously survives and is taken to the hospital.  Sadly, the doctor says he will live, but be completely paralyzed. Mama Patruzzio says that Mario, as the oldest, should see Gino first.  He is so wracked with guilt that he runs from the hospital.  When he goes home that night, Carlotta is already in bed.

She says it would have been better if Gino had died.  When she describes him as a mummy and as looking creepy, Mario explodes.  She gets in a good zinger, telling her husband, “I saw him — you didn’t.”

Gino is no longer interested in risking his life for a living, so he goes to the unemployment office downtown.  OK, after that, he is no longer interested in risking his life.  Shockingly, he discovers that his life on the trapeze has no more qualified him for a job in the real world than being a senator for 36 years would.

Hey Mannix, lock that down!

He returns to the Big Top, by which I mean Carlotta — heyyooooo! ^[1]  Sadly, she is leaving him.  This is the final straw.  Mario goes back to the circus and climbs to the trapeze platform.  He swings out on the trapeze and does a flip into the void.  However, a pair of hands miraculously catch him.  Somehow he is back on his trapeze swinging safely to the platform.  The other trapeze is empty.

Mario believes this was the ghost of his father saving his life.  He finally rushes to the hospital to see his father, expecting him to be dead.  The nurse says he is alive and still paralyzed.  However, she says an hour ago he startled her by suddenly stretching out his arms, but she thought he was just going for her ass.

John Newland returns and says this was a case of “bi-location”.  A few weeks ago in The Return of Mitchell Campion, he called the same phenomenon “teleportation”.  I guess when you use basically the same hook every week, you differentiate them however you can.

So, another episode of OSB working in their narrow slice of the genre.  But, as always, they put on such a good show, that I have to give them credit for a win.  Also, bonus points for finally setting another episode in the USA! ^[2]

Other Stuff:

• [1]  Yvette Vickers (Carlotta) was Miss July 1959 in Playboy.  In 2010, her mummified body was found at home after she had been dead for a year.
• [2]  This is only the 9th episode out of 15 to be set in this country.
• Also on TV that night: Wyatt Earp, The Rifleman, Laramie and Bronco.  Bet they didn’t have no episodes set in France.
• Italian Mario Patruzzio was played by Mike Connors — an Armenian born as Krekor Ohanian in Fresno.  Only in America!