This was brutal.

It is 1907 and Millicent Bracegirdle is going to Paris to bring her sister back to England.

Just so much to dislike — the older woman in the lead, the score, the relentless voice-over, the English accents, the French accents.  Normally, none of that would bother me, but it just piles up.

Then we get a voice-over in an extended scene with the unattractive old woman in the tub where we are treated to as much skin as 1958 TV would allow.  She claims to be 45 in the voice-over, but the actress is really 53.  F***n’ actors, man.

After her bath, she mistakenly enters the wrong room and is trapped in there with a dead man.  So to top things off, this is the same premise as an episode from just three weeks ago.

Except this time we get the high-larity of an old woman hiding under the bed or in the closet and some jaunty komedy music.

Just a really dreadful episode worthy of no more discussion.

Post-Post:

• AHP Deathwatch:  All dead, maybe of embarrassment.

Richard and Sandra are lounging around Tommy Greer’s hotel room (?), already extremely drunk.

Sandra discovers Tommy’s hobby — a poster board where he tracks every murder for the year, whether it was solved and whether there was a motive.  He points out to Sandra how the line for motiveless murders runs parallel to the line for unsolved murders.  Yeah, well, all of the lines are parallel, dumb-ass.  Did no one on the set understand basic geometry?

And not to get too nit-picky, but this is equally basic — it appears that ~240 solved murders + ~280 unsolved murders  = ~475 total murders.

Sandra says it’s ten to seven, so she’s got to go.  For the viewer, Sandra is there only for exposition; of the chart and her gams.  But why is she there for Richard and Tommy? Is it 7 AM or PM?  It’s a little early for being that drunk and still drinking at either hour. When she leaves, she kisses both men on the lips, and calls Tommy “Mr. Greer.”

Several reviewers compare this to Hitchcock’s Rope, but it is really more related to Strangers on a Train.  Tommy expounds his theory that a motiveless crime has a 100 to 1 shot of being solved.  Not to turn this into Mathterpiece Theater, but if that is true, the solved line should be much shorter.  Richard says he only got Tommy started on this hobby to take his mind off of his ex-wife Marion.

Turns out Marion was Richard’s girl, then dumped him for Tommy.  Now she has divorced Tommy, and Richard wants him to get over it. Richard challenges Tommy to commit a motiveless murder and see if he can get away with it.

Shortly thereafter, the two men take an elevator to the lobby which confirms that this is a hotel, not an apartment, and that it is 7 PM. Tommy’s place really looked more like an apartment, but there is a newstand and bar in the lobby.  So are they on a business trip?  And why are they so drunk at 7 PM?

Richard pulls out a Chicago phone book, closes his eyes and — I can’t stress this enough — opens it randomly, and blindly lands his finger on one Jerome Stanton of Chicago as the proposed victim.  Tommy tears the page out of the phonebook — which is not what you want in your possession when trying to commit the perfect crime.

Well, he is going to take a poll! Heyoooooo!

Tommy flies to Chicago and calls the Stanton home, but only the maid is home.  She says Mr. Stanton will be home the next evening for the fights, as were all men in the 1950s. The next night, he goes to see Stanton under the guise of taking a poll. Tommy goes through an extensive ruse rather than just killing him outright.

Eventually, however, Tommy talks Stanton into a vulnerable position and pounds him in the head with a hammer.

Back in New York (or, I believe it was an unspecified city 1,000 miles from Chicago), he is eating breakfast and reading the paper.  He sees that Jerome Stanton of Chicago was murdered — because local papers cover every murder in the nation.  C’mon, today it wouldn’t even be covered in Chicago.  He is shocked as he reads it was Jerome Stanton that his ex-wife Marion had left him for, and married. Richard, who had also been jilted by Marion, set Tommy up to kill Stanton and clear his path back to Marion.  Asked by the police for any possible suspects, Marion had named Tommy.

Tommy attacks Richard just as the cops show up.

World’s worst proctologist.

This is such a good episode that I’m willing to accept that Richard had somehow bent or marked the page in the phone book to open up to, and had memorized the spot so that he could literally finger Stanton’s name with his eyes covered.

Also that it was just pure luck that Marion didn’t answer the phone when Tommy called, and that she was not home when he went to see Stanton, and that Stanton never mentioned her name, and that there were no wedding pictures around.

I better stop before I talk myself out of the fact that this was a great episode.

Post-Post:

• AHP Deathwatch:  Skip Homeier is still alive, but retired from acting at 50.  Tharon Crigler is also hanging on.  Strange career — 6 roles in 1958, nothing before or after.  Gary Clarke is still alive and working despite a 16-year gap 1996-2012 per IMDb.
• Did Richard smack Sandra on the ass at about 2:15?  Pretty racy stuff for 1958.
• Not that this was a classic, but Googling Mathterpiece Theater further confirms my theory that it is almost impossible to come up with anything that is original.  It’s like trying to get Joe as a Google login ID.

First of all, let’s acknowledge the obvious — Ann Todd is playing John McIntire’s daughter despite being only two years younger than him. Didn’t the producers realize that by Hollywood rules, if the woman is about the same age, she must play the mother of the man?  It must be said, however, that she has aged much more gracefully than him.

John Leeds walks into his daughter Sylvia’s bedroom to find her fumbling with a gun.  He is concerned for her safety, that’s why he never had one in the house. Sylvia says she wanted it for protection while her father is out of town.  He is more concerned with her hurting herself.

About to depart on a business assignment in Europe — as we all do — he is concerned about leaving Sylvia alone.  His suspicions are further aroused when his housekeeper tells him that Sylvia has given three weeks of vacation to the servants — as we all do.  He goes to Sylvia’s psychiatrist to see if he thinks she might be contemplating suicide — as we all — wait, what?

The doctor can’t tell him anything more confidential than his billing rate, but suggests that Leeds repeat the circumstances that led here, cleverly forcing us back into dreaded flashback mode.

Leeds and daughter Sylvia were on a cruise.  Standing at the rail, talking about her disinterest in meeting people her own age — other than her father — they were approached by Peter Kent, who asks Sylvia to dance.  Two months later, they were married. Leeds is disgusted that Peter is living off of Syvia’s allowance. The final straw comes when Peter forges a check from Leeds.

Peter is a pretty cool customer, not expecting Leeds to call the police on his daughter’s husband, then sitting calmly as he calls the District Attorney to set up a meeting.  Seeing that Leeds is serious, Peter offers to divorce Sylvia if Leeds will destroy the bogus check. Leeds agrees on the condition that Peter also “never see Sylvia again.”

Naturally as soon as Sylvia’s father is scheduled to get on a plane to Europe, she wants Peter to come back.  Leeds abruptly cancels his trip, and coincidentally, Peter comes to visit his office.  He tells Leeds that Sylvia called and begged him to come back — right after Leeds leaves the country.

Leeds correctly points out that they had a divorce.  Peter points out that there was no agreement for after the divorce; also that he had his fingers crossed.  Actually, he had agree to never see Sylvia, so this whole visit is a sham.  Peter agrees to go away again for the mere sum of $25,000 ($206,000 in 2015 dollars).  Leeds must be loaded in every sense of the word, as he agrees.

That night after dinner, for which Sylvia insists she and her father “dress”, she begins chattering about items she would like her father to buy for her in Europe.  He asks her of her plans while he’s gone, but she says nothing.  Leeds tells her that Peter won’t be coming.

Sylvia said she wanted to give Peter another chance.  And that she gave the servants their vacation so they could be alone.

That night, Leeds goes to her bedroom where she brushes her hair.  He says he just doesn’t like having a gun in the house, and asks for it.  She wonders why she was never allowed to have anything of her own — even a husband.  Correct answer:  Well, maybe because you’re an immature, naive, trust-fund parasite who has never accomplished anything, Chelsea Sylvia!

Or maybe she’s got a point — Leeds never hesitates to barge into his grown daughter’s bedroom in his house without knocking.  She could be naked, or even worse, nude.

So she shoots her father and says over and over, Oh Daddy, Why couldn’t you let me go?  Sadly, this girl was clearly unbalanced, not the usual scheming or over-their-head murderer we expect from AHP.

A strangely pedestrian story for Ira Levin, who wrote Rosemary’s Baby, The Stepford Wives and The Boys from Brazil.

Post-Post:

• AHP Deathwatch:  No survivors.
• AHP Proximity Alert:  Raymond Bailey was in Miss Paisley’s Cat just four episodes ago.  C’mon, give someone else a chance.

It is the office Christmas Party, and being 1958, it is still called a Christmas Party (and even though this aired in mid-January).  Presents are being exchanged, everyone is smoking like a chimney with care, and men are making general louts of themselves.

While everyone else is having fun, Shelly is trying to get through to her boyfriend Tony Gould (Joseph Cotton) on the phone.  She gives up and goes into the boss’s office to use his phone. She finally gets him and asks if he has already told his wife about them, because a few days before Christmas really would be the ideal time.  Gould assures Shelly that everything is all set for them to be together.  He tells Shelly he will pick her up at the office.

Once at the office, Gould suggests welllllll, maybe he should stay with his wife a little while longer . . . maybe after her annual trip downtown.  Actually, Gould’s arguments for waiting all involve his wife’s feelings.  That seems to anger Shelly even more.  Finally, fed up with Gould’s dithering, she picks up the phone with him standing there and calls his wife to break the news herself.  Gould, quite reasonably, stabs her.

When he tries to unlock the office door, he breaks the key off in the lock.  He checks an internal office window, but there are bars on it — that must be a rough crowd.  He tries another window, but it is three stories up.

This is what I appreciate about AHP — I know locked-room mysteries are a distinct genre, but I’m not sure how many of them involve the murderer actually being locked in.  Someday I am going to order that big-ass book of locked-room mysteries (if I ever finish that big-ass book of pulp stories).

Gould calls his buddy Charles.  He tells Charles that Shelly has passed out and he is locked in the office.  Despite being drunk, Charles says he will be right over.

Gould finally gets the attention of a woman in the window across the alley and asks her to call a locksmith.  It is clear that Sir Alfred did not direct this one as surely he would have put a hottie across the alley like Miss Torso in Rear Window.  Gould is acting so creepy, though, she actually calls the police.  Seeing the police questioning her across the alley,

Shockingly, this guy died at 28. More shockingly, he was only 26 in this episode.

Gould puts on Shelly’s boss’s coat and glasses, hoping to escape in disguise when the cops inevitably arrive.

The police kick the door in and the ruse works as he leads them out of the office. They are about to leave when Gould’s drunk friend Charlie finally shows up.  Just as Gould was about to get away with murder, Charlie staggers past the group, presumably looking for a place to throw up.  He goes into the bathroom and finds Shelly’s dead body.

Post-Post:

• AHP Deathwatch:  One Survivor.
• Directed by Robert Altman.
• For a more in-depth look at the story, performers and production, head over to bare bones ezine.

OK, I’m just not understanding anything about this one. Alfred Hitchcock Presents has been my refuge from the frequent non-stories of Ray Bradbury Theater, the often hokey mess of Night Gallery, the uneven tone Tales From the Crypt, and frankly the 60 minutes of Outer Limits (which is usually pretty good, but it’s still an hour of my life). AHP has a great track record for being interesting, logical and pretty leanly written.

Gangsta Eddie Slovak has called a TV repairman (a guy who used to actually come to your house and fix your TV).  His wife is baffled that Slovak intentionally sabotaged the set, then called a repair shop in far away Queens.

Repairman Pete Williams rings the bell, so the appointment must have been three hours earlier.  Eddie opens the door and both men are all smiles as they recognize each other as old army buddies.

Slovak’s wife Faye rats him out for purposely busting the TV so he could call Pete to take a look at it.  After she leaves, Slovak tears into Pete. He wants Williams to call him a coward for his actions in Korea. Williams seems like a nice guy and says he hasn’t thought about that incident in years.  Slovak says he hasn’t forgotten for one day that he “went chicken one day” and Pete covered for him at risk to his own career.

The titular percentage is the edge that Slovak thinks Pete has on him by keeping this little secret of his cowardice.  He offers Pete big money, even a house to make them even in his mind.  The more Slovak offers, the more Eddie insists he doesn’t want anything except what he can earn on his own.  He is perfectly happy with his modest life.

Slovak is baffled by that and wants to know how much it would cost to keep quiet about him being chicken.  “I gotta pay you back!” he yells at Pete.

They agree to go out to dinner with their wives and he tells Pete’s wife he wants to put some big money in Pete’s pocket.  His wife tries to talk Pete into taking the money, but he just won’t accept anything he hasn’t earned.  When Slovak goes to see Pete’s wife to see how it went, she is all over him.

When Pete gets home, Slovak berates him for his cheap home, car and furniture, but Pete seems perfectly happy with his life.

A few days later, Pete’s wife invites Slovak over to talk about how to get Pete to take the money, and also to fool around.  Slovak is really only interested in evening up the percentage.  When Louise says she has not really talked to Pete about accepting the money, Eddie kills her.

Slovak is caught red-handed by Pete.  Slovak says to Pete that they are even now. “She made a play for me and I did the best thing I knew.  For your sake, Pete.  All for you. She was no good.”  Slovak implores Pete to make up a story to protect them both just like he did in Korea.  So he thinks he did Pete a favor by killing his wife who he clearly adored?  Pete rats him out to the police immediately.

Pete goes straight to Slovak’s house. He tells Mrs. Slovak that her husband killed Louise and then they kiss. Hunh?  There was no foreshadowing of this at all.

Everyone did their job, but maybe they should have saved this one for the hour-long season of AHP.

Post-Post:

• AHP Deathwatch:  The two wives are still alive.  Don Keefer (Pete Williams) just died last year at 98.
• Slovak was possibly named for Eddie Slovik, the only American to be executed for desertion since the Civil War.
• Nice guy Eddie could have been named for Nice Guy Eddie, except Eddie was a dick here — Pete was the nice guy.  And Nice Guy Eddie came along 30 years later.