Leave it to the consistently great AHP to provide a better TZ episode than Twilight Zone served up this week.  Yes, it is another AHP period piece, but has two huge mitigating factors:  1) it is set in America, and 2) it stars Norman Lloyd.

Two guys back in an old west saloon circa 1899 are arguing about who will pay for this round of drinks.  The twist is, these guys are like the Goofy Gophers,^[1] arguing over who will get the privilege of paying.

The two town strong-men break up the argument just as it was about to come to blows — and this town is so friendly I don’t even want to think about what that might have entailed.  The strong-men even settle the argument by paying for their drinks.  This is the nicest bar in history.  Anthony Fremont’s family wasn’t this agreeable.

Somehow, this positive attitude and generosity even extends to the slot machine.  Strongman Jamie optimistically gives it spin, and the wheels come back with a royal straight flush.  This is the happiest, smiliest, good-natured, backslapping bunch of guys . . . wait a minute, where are the women?

Into this saloon walks a slim, elegant drink-of-water with evening wear, white gloves, a stylish hat and a mellifluous voice.  Oh wait, that’s Norman Lloyd.  He orders a rum, and the bartender blows dust off the bottle.  I’m not sure what the gag is there, except maybe all these giggling he-men are whiskey drinkers; at least until Zima is invented.

Their next diversion is the always-fun anvil-lift.  Several of the locals try, but the thing is like Thor’s Hammer.  Strongman Ben is able to lift it.  For a strongman, he should know better than to lift with his back, though.

The bartender tells Norman, “This place is like a church social compared to what it was 2 months ago.”  It was at that time that Jamie and Ben McMahon came to town.  The local copper miners were a tough crew with the fighting, gambling, drinking, shooting each other, and reusing postage stamps.  He says, “They brought the magic of brotherly love.”  They got every professional gambler thrown out of town.  They explained there was more to life than those shenanigans.  They were such happy, peace-loving, God-fearing leaders that the town wanted to be like them.

Norman has heard enough.  With a flash and a plume of smoke, he gets their attention.  Jamie says Norman should just apologize for smoking indoors and be on his way.  Norman says he must be “one of the righteous ones, an ecclesiastical bore, a pompous ass.” ^[2]  Jamie is steamed, but turns the other cheek.  Norman does everything he can to provoke Jamie, but Jamie stays calm.  Then Norman throws a drink in his face.  That’s it!  Jamie throws several punches, but there seems to be a protective field around Norman.

With a flick of his gloved hand, Norman knocks Jamie to the floor.  Ben, clearly not the smarter brother, takes a swing.  He goes down also.  Now that all the rubes think he is a demon, he instructs them to hand over their cash.  He takes the brothers’ wallets, then hits the register, then a statue with a hidden stash.  No mention of that slot machine loot, though.  Norman goes to the door and tells them not to follow him or “there will be the devil to pay.

Of course there is a twist that you will probably see coming, but that doesn’t matter.  There is the what-does-God-need-with-a-starship issue with the devil stealing cash, but that doesn’t matter either.  It is just a pleasure to watch Norman Lloyd chew up the scenery in every frame. ^[3]  But the episode does not fully rest on his great performance.  After 4 years, I should no longer be surprised, but the sheer consistency and professionalism of this series is astounding.

PS:  For the commentor who chastised me for mixing actors’ names with character’s names . . . dedicated to you, buddy.

Other Stuff:

• ^[1] Wow, for my entire life, I had thought they were Chip and Dale.
• ^[2] This has to be one of the first uses of ass on American TV; at least that does not involve a jawbone.
• AHP Deathwatch: Read Morgan — whose name is an imperative sentence — is also still with us.  Among the deceased, an imperative sentence from yoga class:  Arch, Johnson!  Roscoe Ates came sooo close to being a declarative sentence.
• Norman Lloyd is still with us at 103.  He is such a classy, amazing talent, I hate to lump him in the Deathwatch category.  When his day comes, I suspect we will not read obituaries about him saying “F*** NIXON” at the Oscars or suggesting Nixon’s daughters should be molested.  Adios, Hollywood!
• AHP Proximity Alert:  Mike Ragan (Pete) was the enigmatic Alfredo on last week’s episode.  Give someone else a chance!
• Title Analysis: It is from the poem Antigonish, but I don’t understand the relevance to this episode.  With AHP, I happily concede that is probably my ignorance.

Not that it matters, but that is the same beach-house that was in The Last Dark Step.  I remember it from 18 months ago because it was kind of sad.  It looks like a great old California getaway, right on the water.  The sad part is that it was probably plowed under decades ago to make way for some ugly $MM condominiums.

Steven is pounding away on a typewriter when a soaking wet floozy wanders in the front door — a beach-house feature second only to the beach.  Unfortunately, the wet, liquored-up blonde — I haven’t gotten to the unfortunate part yet — is there with Jimmy Dolan.  He has promised to help her career.  Honesty, I hope her character is a better actress than the actress playing that character.

After summarily throwing the girl out of the house, Jimmy starts talking about another actress, Betsy Blake, who was killed in a speedboat accident.  Her death had sunk a $6M production at Goliath Studios.  The studio execs are too dumb to move the release date up to capitalize on the tragedy.  Since her body was discovered this morning, the story is over.  Jimmy is worried that by the time the film comes out, everyone will have forgotten Betsy.

Jimmy wants Betsy to have the biggest funeral ever, bigger than Rudolf Valentino; but doomed to be dwarfed in 3 years.  He thinks that will make him a big man in Hollywood.  His plan is to then start a rumor that Betsy Blake is still alive.  Plan B is to concoct a back-story for her — the real Betsy Blake that no one ever knew.  That’s why he needs a writer to help him.  Steven refuses to lower himself to such a spectacle; until Jimmy offers him $300.

Weeks later, Alfredo is about to leave the beach-house.  Wait, who?  He mentions tools, so he might be a plumber.  Steve’s pipes were mentioned earlier, but that might have been a metaphor; plus, months have elapsed.  He seems to know about the Blake scheme as if Steve had confided in him.  And when Jimmy enters, he calls Alfredo by name.  Alfredo glares at him.  Alfredo is just kind of a strange, superfluous character who does not need to be there.  Kind of like that floozy, but at least she was blonde; and wet.

Jimmy is just giddy at his success in promoting the dead woman as a star.  Steve has been writing articles like Love Secrets from Beyond the Grave and I was Betsy Blake’s Astrologist.  Jimmy says, “The best thing that washed-out, platinum-rinsed old pelican ever did in her life was to ram her speedboat into that jerk from Pasadena.”   Then Jimmy is shocked when Betsy walks in and says, “the next phase should be The Return of Betsy Blake!”

Betsy (aka the titular Madame Mystery) is a strange piece of work.  She has a great natural sexiness, but this is mitigated by her personality.  She shouts her lines as if she were drunk, but she does not otherwise appear to have been drinking.  True, she makes a beeline for Steve’s liquor cabinet, but there is no weaving or slurring of words.  Almost immediately, she is full-on drunk, though.

Turns out, there was a blonde on the boat she hit that had a similar build and blood alcohol level.  When the police fished her body out of the water, they just assumed it was Betsy Blake.  So Betsy took this opportunity to escape from her horrible, horrible life as a movie star.  Just as well.  She had sworn to leave the country if Nixon became president anyway.

There is no mention of the other girl’s family.  Since no other body was found, her parents must be worried sick about their vanished daughter.  Do they even know she was out on a boat?  Was there an air-pocket in the sunken boat where she waited desperately to be rescued?  Did some privileged a**hole leave her to die?  Maybe it’s appropriate that Jimmy planned a Kennedyesqe funeral for Betsy.  And let’s not forget that Betsy is pretty chipper, and the two dudes are pretty forgiving considering she killed two people.

Jimmy and Betsy argue and insult each other.  He is upset that her reappearance will ruin his good fortune.  She berates him for being successful only by exploiting her.  There is a twist that might have been shocking in 1960, but mostly it left me thinking it was a total non-sequitur.

Far be it from me to criticize such a great show, but this one did not quite live up to its potential.  Audrey Totter could have been great as Betsy had she dialed her performance down to 10.  I know she had to be obnoxious to have the conflict with Jimmy, but she is frequently just too grating.  Harp McGuire was a stiff as Steven.  Only Joby Baker as Jimmy seemed well-cast.  He has the perfect face for the era.  It is hard to imagine him 10 years before or after with his mug.  And that twist — nice, just too out-of-nowhere, man.

Other Stuff:

• AHP Deathwatch:  Jimmy is still with us.  Sadly, Steve died six years later at only 44.  Even more sadder, Lois, the floozy in the first scene, died at 36.
• Audrey Totter was last seen in Spider, Inc.
• As always, more info on the production and source material can be found at bare*bonez ezine.

A dame tells her shrink, “These days, the only way a girl can become a millionaire, if she doesn’t inherit the money, is to marry it.”  Marry the money?  She flashes back to her attempt to get those millions from “rich old coot” Wilbur Craig.

The plan seems off to a rocky start as we see Craig’s lawyer reading his titular will.  He leaves $10,000 ($85k in 2018 dollars) to his housekeeper.  The good news for Judy is that Craig does have a living relative, and he is young and unmarried.  Thomas Craig is all smiles as he awaits the good news.  The lawyer continues, Craig leaves the remaining $800k “to the one who has meant the most to me.  One whose high spirits have heightened these last days, who was always there when I called, my ever faithful . . . Casper.”

Casper the Dog, that is.  Thomas is stunned, but is assured that the will is legit.  After being in denial for a few seconds, he smiles again.  “But he will need a guardian!”  Old man Craig planned for that.  The guardian is to be his butler, Sam Loomis.  What the heck?  Sam Loomis was the guy Janet Leigh was banging in Psycho (released later that year).  Could this be just coincidence?

The attorney assures Thomas that his uncle didn’t forget him.  That’s the problem, Thomas says.  He remembered everything Thomas did, and disapproved of it all.  When Casper dies, the money will go to Thomas.  “That’s nice, but I need it now.”  He does a least get room and board at the mansion.  And a shiny dollar.

Thomas goes to see his girlfriend Judy (the aforementioned dame).  He tells her he inherited $1.00.  He explains that he will get the full estate when the dog dies.  Not only that, but Casper is only 2 years old.  It could be 100 dog years before Thomas sees any money.  Judy sees the solution clearly.

In no time, Thomas, who stands to make $800k from his death, takes Casper on a hunting trip — that butler is not much of a guardian.  Out in the woods, Thomas lines Casper up in his site.  Judy is waiting in the car because she can’t stand to see such cruelty inflicted on one of God’s creatures. But she is wearing a mink, so clearly she’s not a fanatic on the subject.

She hears a gunshot and thinks she’s rich.  Then Casper comes running up to the car.  Thomas shows up right after Casper.  Turns out the shot was another hunter going Dick Cheney on Thomas.  He says, “This place is full of trigger-happy hunters!”

Judy is immediately prepared with alternative plans.  Thomas feels his almost being shot is karma for trying to kill the dog.  He is appalled that Judy still wants to go through with it.  She still has a scheme though, and thinks to herself, “Madame du Barry got what she wanted and not by telling Louie everything.”  She also got her head chopped off, but I have a hunch Judy’s passing grade in history was from burying her face in something other than books.

Judy goes to private detective Vince Noonan.  Even in the Big Book of Pulps, I don’t remember any PIs in the dog-killing business.  He changes his mind when she offers him $1,000 ($8,500 in 2018 dollars).  To get Noonan close to the dog, she introduces him as her cousin Vincent and asks if he could stay at the mansion a few days.

As Noonan is thinking of ways to kill the pooch lying at his feet, Loomis comes in with Casper’s dinner — filet mignon, just like every night.  Noonan is stumped how to kill Casper and have it look like an accident until he spots a bottle of ant poison.  He uses it to baste the filet mignon in the refrigerator.  Unfortunately, Loomis innocently feeds it to him that night.  There are still 5 more minutes to kill, though, so he does not die.

Judy chews Noonan out for being a waste of $1,000 so he agrees to take Casper on a little fishing trip like Fredo Corleone.  Wearing a suit and tie, as you do, Noonan rows Casper out to the middle of the lake.  He tells Casper, it isn’t personal, it is business.  Wow, he is Fredo.  Despite kind of getting to like the pooch, he picks up an oar, and we see his backswing which is really the most important part of an oar-killing.  Both Noonan and Casper go missing.

After Loomis goes out looking for Casper, Vincent comes back to the mansion, followed by Casper.  He says, “That dog saved my life.  Anyone who wants to kill that dog will do it over my dead body!”  Judy says he is fired, that she’ll do it herself.  Thomas overhears this and is shocked.  Judy tries to explain, but he just coldly stares at her.  Thomas, Noonan and Casper all look down on this would-be dog-killing golddigger.

Back in the psychiatrist’s office, she reveals the one plan that could still make her rich.  It is not to marry the psychiatrist, it is “To become a dog and marry Casper.  Arf arf.”  Yes, she actually barks. ^[1]

A fine little episode that seemed very slightly off.  Even though I saw the mechanics on the screen, I never fully felt the two themes that seemed to be forefront: the two men falling for the dog, and the dog’s knack for escaping execution.  There just seemed to be a lack of suspense and energy.  Maybe it needed one more botched execution to make the pace a little more frantic.  They could have lost the psychiatrist wrap-around which adds nothing to the episode.

The performances were mostly great.  Dick van Dyke (Thomas) is fun in both the dialogue and physical bits.  You kind of expect that from him, so the surprise to me was Paul Stewart (Noonan) who gave me some good laughs playing against his tough-guy persona.  The script was also a winner with genuinely funny lines and situations.  It is no surprise that the writers and director went on to work on many classic comedies such as The Odd Couple, Carol Burnett, and MASH.  But also Diff’rent Strokes, so you never really know.

Other Stuff:

• AHP Deathwatch:  DvD hanging in there at 93.  Stella Stevens is 80.  Red (Casper) would have been 385 in dog years.
• Stella Stevens went on to play Ernest Borg9’s ex-hooker wife in The Poseidon Adventure.
• [1] Yada yada doggie-style.  Not worth a paragraph.

Poor Hubert. Even his chair emasculates him.

For the second night in row, we have a lonely man living with his parakeet.  At least Hubert tonight also has his mother At least Norman yesterday got a little peace and quiet.  Hubert Winters’ mother still treats him like a child.  She brings the 32 year old man his robe, covers his expenses, refuses to allow him to have a checking account, and kept him on her insurance until he was 26.

She says she knows he is unhappy because he has no job, but she is happy to have him there.  Without her son, she would have no reason not to cross the titular threshold to be with her dead husband Arthur; so Arthur is probably happy with the arrangement also.  She lets it slip that she still has her husband’s medicine which, taken in large doses, is fatal.

She worries that Arthur is not happy on the other side without her.  Hubert says he knows a young woman, and that she might be able to help her contact Le Morte d’Arthur.  Incredibly, the first part of that sentence is the less believable.

I don’t even want to think about what he brought to Irma.

Turns out, he does know a girl.  She is kind of a floozy.  She is happy to see Hubert, but disgusted when he says he must get back to his mother soon.  She is an actress and he reminds her of the time she played a medium in a play.  Hubert wants her to pretend to contact his father.

Later that week, Irma goes to Mrs. Winter’s house dressed in either a hijab or a Moe Howard wig.  Irma says she will go unconscious and Princess Artiti (Egypt, circa 1375 BC) will speak through her.  Oh, and the princess married her brother, which explains why this is the only AHP episode available on Pornhub.

Irma tells Mrs. Winters to concentrate on her husband.  Then she begins channeling the princess in a falsetto voice.  Mrs. Winters laps this up through her false set o’ teeth. ^[1]  Irma miraculously pierces the veil of this earthly plane and speaks with Arthur.  He responds with 1) a detailed description of the afterlife, 2) proof that there is a heaven, 3) Saturday’s lottery numbers?  No, he says he misses his old sofa.  Mrs. Winters gasps as that is sooo Arthur. ^[2]  Unfortunately, Arthur fades away.

OK, I’m a little curious.

The next night, Irma returns,  She fraudulently summons the princess, and the princess fraudulently summons Arthur.  Sofie has a question for him.  She just wants to know if he is happy.  Arthur tells her he misses her and that he is “lonely on this shore.  I wait for you.  I need you.”  Sofie tells Arthur she will come to him immediately.  After Irma leaves, she tells Hubert she will go to Arthur tomorrow night.

Sofie spends the next day doing things no sane person would do if they were going to do something no sane person would do that night.  She is paying bills, canceling magazine subscriptions, dusting.  She sends Hubert to the store to buy shelf paper for the birdcage since can’t wait for the Times to be delivered tomorrow morning.

There is a twist, but the real twist is how mediocre the twist is for an AHP episode.  Of course, Sofie ends up poisoning Hubert so the family can be together.  Yes, he was a momma’s boy, but there was really no suggestion that this might happen.  His mother was just nutty and ready to die, not a psychopath.  Plus, how did she know he would be drinking the poisoned booze at just the right moment?

There was a nice bit of business with her continually finding tiny chores that delayed her drinking her own poison.  Sadly, the suspense that should have flowed from this scene is torpedoed by the two leads.  Sofie is more annoying than overbearing.  Her son is so whipped that it is impossible to feel anything for him.

A rare misfire from AHP.

Other Stuff:

• AHP Deathwatch:  All have crossed the threshold.
• ^[1]  Shamelessly stolen.  I mean, it’s an homage.
• ^[2]  I must admit I misunderstood Irma.  She relayed that Arthur missed his “comfortable old Sofie”, not sofa.  Although it was probably a little of both.

Twenty-Three year old Suzanne Pleshette . . .

Really I could stop tight there, give the episode a 10, and move on.  Unfortunately, this great natural resource is somewhat wasted.

No-nonsense Charles Underhill has just picked his niece Anne up at the courthouse.  She was hanging out with a car thief, but got off easy because Underhill is a city council-man and the judge knows him to be a model citizen and honest public servant.  Except for using his office to get his gangsta kinfolk out of the hoosegow.  Honest except for that.

The judge lets Anne off so as not to damage the sterling reputation of the council-man.  Underhill tells her she should be grateful, and she grudgingly thanks him.  To straighten her out, he tells her he is pulling her out of college and sending her to work in an office for one of his friends.  Probably the one that needs a loading zone in front of his store.

He pulls his land yacht over and runs into a store to buy some cigarettes, so I guess the example-setting only goes so far.  While he is gone, Anne notices a cute guy hitchhiking.  She certainly has a type.  Their eyes meet, but Underhill breaks the mood by returning.  Before he can resume his lecture, the car ahead of him backs into his car.  “Look at her!  Can’t even pull out of a parking space!” he says and lays on the horn.

Unfortunately, the horn gets stuck in the F-U position and won’t stop blaring.  Anne is greatly amused at his inability to stop the horn, and his discomfort at becoming a spectacle in the downtown square.  The good towns-folk stop and stare, but the hitchhiker takes action.  He comes over and disconnects the horn.

Underhill, being a proper gentleman, thanks him.  The twitchy punk says, “A noisy horn, it bugs me.”  Underhill compliments his mechanical skillz, and he says, “Either you dig a motor or you don’t.”  Len, a hipster doofus of the type inexplicably considered cool at the time, hits Underhill up for a ride to San Francisco.  Two-time County Safety Award winner Underhill takes a dim view of hitchhikers, or it might just his presbyopia flaring up.  Len reminds him that he did help the old guy out of a jam.  After initially refusing, Underhill relents and gives him a ride.

Well, we get a lengthy exploration of the generation gap.  A new age had arrived in Hollywood, so the dialogue is written to let the cool Len score all the points against the geezer Underhill.  But, ya know, when you dig into it, Len is kinda full of shit.

• Len is the criminal here, let’s not forget that.  Sure, Underhill is old and stodgy, but Len is actually the parasite who stole the product of another man’s work.  They might present him as cool and charismatic, but he was in jail for theft.
• Len talks about his dream of building a car and racing it around the world.  A little out-there, but respectable, especially the part about building it himself.  But what has he done to make it happen?  Instead, he whines about “insiders” like Underhill who have worked 40 years for what they have.
• He goes on and on about knives.  Underhill understandably gets nervous and attracts the attention of a cop.  Len then complains that he had said he was talking about his cell-mate, not himself.  Granted, he did say his cell-mate was the knife aficionado.  But it seemed to have rubbed off on him, and Underhill was correct to be concerned, especially with his impressionable, dimwitted niece in the car.
• As part of his “insiders” vs “outsiders” rant, Len talks about poet Dylan Thomas.  He tells the geezer Underhill he could never understand a young guy like that.  Well Thomas was born only 7 years after Underhill, dumbass. ^[1]
• There is a twist in which Underhill compromises his “old-fashioned” values.  It is presented as a victory for the smirking Len, but really it is just a sad, early fracture of American standards.
• In the final shot, Len is shown tearing up paper and throwing it out the window of the moving car.  So add litterbug to his charges.

So Len is really just one of the first in a long line of sanctimonious hippie blowhards that finally took over popular culture in Easy Rider.  But in his short hair and button down shirt, he probably smelled a lot better.

And what I mean by all this complaining is that it is a great episode.  John McIntire is great as the stodgy, old-school geezer.  He was so good that I’m not sure he was acting.  Robert Morse can frequently be cloying and/or obnoxious as he hams it up.  His persona worked in this episode, though, as the counter-point to the older man’s rigidity.  Really both were caricatures as they somewhat have to be in a 30 minute show.  Sadly, Suzanne Pleshette is given little to do; but she is very cute doing it.

No, I’m not 80.

Other Stuff:

• ^[1] Granted, their current ages are quite different.  But that is because the poet Len admires as the pinnacle of humanity drank himself to death at age 39 leaving behind a wife and children.
• Title Analysis:  Why Hitch Hike rather than Hitchhike?  Why Hitch Hike rather than Hitchhiker?  The Hitchcock/Hitch Hike similarity doesn’t make sense.  I’m baffled.
• The titular similarity to the dreadful Hitchhiker series also somewhat tainted the experience.
• My general crotchetiness possibly due to being stuck in traffic today beside two motorcycles.  OK, you’re already riding a 100 decibel boom box.  Do you really need to blast a stereo that you can hear above that?  Plus they were fat guys with no shirts.
• No, I’m really not 80.