A dude is lighting another dude’s cigarette in a bar, and his name is Timothy Bottoms. Thank God I’m woke enough not to make anything of that.
The older man tells Miley Judson to keep the box of matches which says Hellgramite Method and has a red slash over a liquor bottle which I interpret as “say no to blended Scotch.” The back of the box promises “a cure for the problem drinker” although a better ad for a matchbox would be “a cure for the modern smoker.” When he turns to the man, he is gone. So Miley orders another drink.
He wakes up hours later with his head on the bar. It’s bad to fall asleep at a bar, but it’s worse to be a bar that allows a dude to fall asleep there for hours. He asks for another drink, but the bartender tells him to go home. He grabs a pizza box that has been sitting on the bar beside him for 5 hours and heads home. There is no ad on the pizza box to “cure the problem eater.” At home, his wife is not pleased to have him coming home drunk yet again.
The ad said they were open 24 hours, so that night Miley goes to see Dr. Eugene Murrich at the sprawling medical campus of Hellgramite Method (i.e. Murrich’s living room). After offering Miley a drink, which he happily accepts, Murrich offers him a red pill. Like Morpheus, Murrich warns him that if he takes the red pill “there’s no turning back.” Like Neo, Miley takes the pill.
The next morning, his wife is still pissed in the American sense, and he is probably still pissed in the British sense. She is hostile and not supportive at all, but she’s probably seen this 100 times. He says this time is different, and goes to work.
Naturally, he heads back to the same bar again. He slams back his usual mass quantity of booze. This time, however, he feels no effect from it. He perspicaciously thinks, hey, maybe it has something to do with that red pill I took from an unlicensed practitioner working out of his living room at 3 am last night. So he goes back to see Murrich.
Murrich explains that just like Agent Smith did to Neo, he put a disgusting squid-like bug inside Miley. There was a hellgramite tapeworm larvae inside the red pill. He explains, “By now, the worm [1] has attached itself to your stomach, and the drinking has stimulated its growth. From now on the hellgramite will absorb all the liquor you can consume. You won’t feel any effect from drinking.” Miley is understandably doubtful. Then Murrich shows him one of the slimy bastards in a glass jar.
Murrich helpfully waits until after the commercial to further explain the rules. “No matter how much you drink, the worm will not be satisfied. If ever you stop drinking, the pain will be excruciating . . . it’s dangerous. You might not live through it. And even if you succeed, the worm will always be waiting for you to drink again. Every time the hellgramite is awakened from its dormant state, it comes back stronger. Eventually, strong enough to kill you.”
Back at home, he once again tells his wife this time will be different; then kicks her and his son out. He pours all the liquor in the house down the drain. He then goes through the excruciating withdrawal phase. While in agony, he goes back to see Murrich. We finally get Murrich’s motivation, which is that he lost his family to a drunk driver.
But I’m still not entirely understanding Murrich’ motivation. Is he interested in solving a problem or just wreaking vengeance on other alcoholics? Taking the pill neutralizes the intake of liquor — great! But why the agonizing pain? And the only way to stop the pain is to drink more? Isn’t that counter-productive? Sure, the continued drinking will be fatal eventually, but how many more lives will be at risk until that time?
Back at home, Miley continues suffering through the withdrawals. He is in such pain that he begins searching for any leftover alcohol. He finally finds a small bottle in his luggage. We next see him clean and sober handing a Hellgramite Method matchbox to another alchie. But what does this mean? Did he find temporary relief from the pain by drinking the little bottle? Or did he persevere through the pain and is now free (as long as he doesn’t take another drink)? The scene isn’t played to make that ambiguity interesting, so I guess it is the latter. But what is his motivation to lure more drunks into the painful, potentially deadly, scheme?
A fine episode, but it could have been tightened up.
Other Stuff:
- [1] I’m no entomologist, but how is this thing a worm? It has at least 6 appendages and a definable head and abdomen. Probably a thorax back there somewhere, too.
- Hey, Miley, how about calling the cops or a good gastroenterologist?
Well, they tried something different. I’ll give them credit for that.
He comically hides as if he expects her to shoot him. His goofy character and his serious wife are played so broadly, that this becomes a silent movie. After much pantomiming, she communicates that she wants him to take the rifle and hunt something for dinner.
When it came to pass that the men of the Earth could not make peace among themselves, and so took up arms against one another, the fires of hatred rained down upon the land, laying waste to all that was good and gentle. Those who survived saw death and destruction all around . . . it was called The Great War. And in the days that followed there was more death as a miasma called fallout bore down on the survivors. But even then, the men who had made the Earth a fiery hell saw not the error of their ways. So the Goddess raised her mighty hand, and wrecked vengeance upon them and the men who remained fell victim one by one . . . to the Scourge. The Scourge cleansed the Earth of evil, singling out the men and leaving the women unscathed. And the Goddess saw that the evil was gone and the men were no more, and she unfurled the fingers of her hands and she made a sign of blessing among the females who now inherited the sea and the sky, the land and all its bounty. And when the males of the Earth had vanished, so too did wickedness and war and hatred and the peace and the glory of her kingdom was restored. Let us say “Praise Goddess”.
Maybe some grizzled old veteran could have taught her that The Great War was already used by WWI. Maybe some nerdy, bow-tied English teacher could have told her that she meant wreaked or wrought and not wrecked. Maybe Christopher Hitchens could have suggested that while the invisible man in the sky might be unlikely, arbitrarily changing him to a woman is just Ludcris. But no, those three male-genitalled bastards were just evil, so let’s teach the little girls to laugh at their extinction. Now the virtuous, peaceful women are free to live in a pastoral community, haul carts around like horses, live without electricity, clean clothes on a rock, and shit in a hole.
Son of a bitch! Just one day after I complain about episodes that have a father and son with the same name, here come Jeff and Jeff, Jr.
Back at the house, the kids are playing ball. Jeff Jr. (I’ll assume, since there is no Jeff III in the cast) and Terry are using the standard tossing approach. The new girl, Laurie Kern, has a better idea — use telekinesis. She mangles the pronunciation, but she’s just a kid. Then Celia also mangles it.
Jeff Sr. goes to the sheriff to complain about this “Baby Einstein” who feels no pain. He also tells about the recording Jeff Jr. heard Mr. Kern making. Then . . . wait — why does the sheriff of Pecos County, New Mexico have a picture of J. Edgar Hoover on the wall behind his desk? This might be the creepiest thing yet.
Captain Fisher is recalling one of the cases of his early career. Milton Potter, the “tamest criminal” Fisher ever saw, was just paroled after doing 12 years for embezzlement. He says, “Milton Potter had worked for Metro Investments since he got out of college — a total of 13 years.” Since Potter is played by 56 year old Paul Hartman, it is safe to say he was not Dean’s List material. [1] Fisher says he was making only $60/week and describes him as a quiet, friendless drone.
The next day Potter goes to the police station and gives himself up. However he will not return the cash. He goes to jail, does his time offscreen, and is paroled 12 years later. Fisher — now the Captain — goes to see Potter. He wants to remind him that even though he did the time, that doesn’t mean the money is his. So Potter returns the money. That paragraph took 13 minutes on the screen.