Tales from the Crypt – Revenge is the Nuts (11/16/94)

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I kept waiting for it to begin; then I kept waiting for it to end.

Samuel is tapping his cane along a hallway in a group home for the blind to find the bathroom, or so the other residents hope.  It sounds a little funny to him, so he feels around and realizes the doorway has been bricked over.  “He’s bricked up the goddamn bathroom again!  Son of a bitch!”  Think about that.  OK, I guess manager Arnie Grunwald is a cheap nogoodnik, but what is the end-game here?

  • Was this somehow saving money?
  • Things are going to get nasty without a bathroom.
  • How was this done without the blind residents knowing?  What happened to that super-hearing?
  • And we are told he did this again.  So did he brick it over before, unbrick it, and just rebrick it?

For more laughs, Grunwald rolls a bucket of marbles down the hallway.  The elderly blind man falls and Grunwald howls with laughter.  That’s just not funny . . . although it might have been if the freakin’ director had only pointed the camera that way.  At least Benny the janitor is sympathetic; to Grunwald’s disgust.

The home receives a new resident, a young blonde woman named Sheila.  Grunwald says the county has placed her there for six months.  He tells her if she knows what’s good for her, she will do things his way.  Benny takes her to the group bedroom which is dark and filthy.

She feels around for a window to sneak out of, but they are boarded up.  Samuel says Mr. Grunwald figures blind people don’t need light.  Their only DVD is, cruelly, The Quiet Place.  Then a train goes by which creates a deafening noise, shakes the room, and for some reason causes the lights to briefly flicker on and off.

Grunwald offers Sheila a way out if she will provide him a girlfriend experience.  She spits in his face, which is ala carte unless you purchase the premium package.  He has Benny escort Sheila back to the sleeping quarters.  She reveals to Samuel and a woman named Armelia that she lifted a pocket-knife off of Benny.  They escape their quarters along with a man who was attacked by Grunwald’s dog.

Another distraction: Why are they wearing sunglasses?  I know blind people wear dark glasses, but the usual reasons don’t apply here.  They are trapped inside, so inadvertently staring into the sun isn’t an issue. [1]  And there is no one else around but blind people, who is going to see them?  Grunwald and Benny, but they aren’t too concerned about looking good for those two idiots.  Although Sheila does keep wearing that snappy beret.

Of course, the escape attempt does not work, but the episode is too blah to continue.  It just doesn’t work that 90% of the episode is so dark.  I get the reason, but the way it was shot was not handled well.  Properly done, it would have been effectively contrasted with Grunwald’s lighted areas, and given some greater meaning.  Here, there was nothing beyond him having lights and them not.

The ending should have been fantastic with angry blind people getting revenge, a starving attack dog, walls lined with razor blades, and a girl in a beret.  Sadly, the look and the score just didn’t support the concept.

The same story was done much better in the 1972 Tales from the Crypt movie.  I actually gasped at the movie’s ending with the dog and the razor blades.  Watching that scene in both productions is a great illustration of what a little artistry can do.

Other Stuff:

  • Title Analysis:  Hunh?  Revenge is the Nuts?  Was “the nuts” a thing in the 90’s like “the shit”?  It might have been worth this tedious episode if the killer dog had gone right for his nuts at the end.  If he had done it at the beginning, it would have been even better.
  • [1] Is that even an actual reason for wearing the glasses?  They’re blind, not stupid.

 

Outer Limits – The Grell (02/12/99)

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High Secretary Paul Kohler and his staff have just been in a plane crash.  And by staff, I mean alien slaves wearing electronic collars.  Humans in the future apparently decided to return to a slave economy having seen how peacefully it worked out for all parties in the past.

It’s OK, the Grell are from a far away land accessible only by ships, less technically advanced, and do not look like their masters, so it is completely different this time.

Ep suggests this might be the perfect opportunity to escape.  Jesha still feels loyalty to his master, though, and wants to rescue Kohler and his kids.  After Jesha frees them, Ep starts to run.  Kohler kills him with a prolonged electric charge to his security collar.  Kohler won’t even permit Jesha to bury his friend before they move on.

While trekking through the woods looking for a Marriott, the Kohler family and Jesha stumble across a Grell camp.  When the kids say they are hungry,  Ma Kohler instructs Jesha to mash up some apples, then puke on them.  This serves the dual purposes of 1) his alien saliva cleansing the radiation from the apples, and 2) stopping the kids from ever bitching about being hungry again.  Before Jesha can shit on a cracker and call it dessert, young Sara quite reasonably runs off.

She comes across a Grell who is not as enamored of the whole slave-chic thing as Jesha.  He yells to Kohler that he has his daughter.  Jesha comes between them and Sara runs off.  I appreciate that, even with the alien make-up, this new Grell looks more fierce than the subservient Jesha.  The other Grell offers to cut his collar off if he will join their clan.

When Jesha hears Sara screaming, he runs to help her.  He finds that Kohler has been shot.  The first aid is not enough, so Jesha pukes on the wound to seal it.  Man, is there anything Grell vomit can’t do?  Ma Kohler still is not satisfied and yaps at Jesha; he calmly reminds her of her promise to free him when they get back to the city.

When Kohler wakes up, he is furious to see that he has been saved by Grell puke.  Not only is his best tunic ruined, his chest has begun to look like Grell skin.  He says soon it will be in his DNA and he won’t even be able to play tennis at the club.  It quickly spreads and begins to transform his face.

When Jesha asks Kohler to honor the agreement to let him go free, Kohler refuses.  Jesha chases him through the woods.  Yada yada, Kohler is nearly killed by humans who think he is a Grell.  However, he has had a change of heart.  He convinces the humans he is the High freakin’ Secretary and things are going to change.

I’ve never thought of Ted Shackleford as a great actor or, frankly, at all.  But he was great here as the cruel master who became the thing he hated.  Marina Sirtis was supposed to also be a cruel hater, but she was only given a couple of scenes to create her character.  Of course, she was in 176 episodes of ST:TNG and didn’t develop her character much more there.

Special praise is due for the actors playing the Grell.  All were excellent in making me see different personalities within their species, and not making me just think I was watching barista with latex on his or her face.  Which is also more than I got from TNG a lot of the time.

Other Stuff:

  • I guess I had thought of Ted Shackleford before as he was in TZ’s The Crossing.
  • Maybe I’m unloading on Star Trek because I just tried to rewatch Voyager.  Even skipping ahead to the 7 of 9 years, it is unwatchable.  And I went in really wanting to like it.

 

Science Fiction Theatre – Are We Invaded? (12/31/55)

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“Some men climb to the top of a mountain simply because it is there; these men are mountain-climbers.  Others because it puts their telescopes closer to the stars they observe; these men are astronomers.”

Is Truman Bradley suggesting the view of Jupiter is better if you are 1,000 feet closer?

Ironically, Seth and Barbara have gone up a mountain to get a better view of Los Angeles below.  These two are past their Lover’s Lane age.  Seth is 30 and looks every bit of it with his Gutfeldian receding hair, jowls, and rumpled suit.  Barbara is a mere 25 — in age, and on a scale of 1 to 10.  They see a Flying Saucer that looks like Gilligan’s hat.

A weirdo in a suit named Mr. Galleon approaches the car.  He says he also saw the hat and asks for a ride down the mountain.

Barbara’s father just happens to be an astronomer.  He asks why, after 30 years of watching the sky through powerful telescopes, he has never seen a flying saucer.  He thinks what they saw was just an optical illusion.

Sitting in a restaurant after a big argument with Barbara’s father, Seth figures they have about $275 between them.

Seth: We could do it on that.

Barbara: Oh, Seth, you mean it?

Seth: We could rent everything we need.

Barbara: We could find a Justice of the Peace.

Seth: A 16 mm movie camera.

Barbara: Sure, and take pictures.

Seth: Sound recording equipment.

Barbara: Sound equipment?

Seth: For a soundtrack.

Barbara: A soundtrack?

Barbara finally realizes that he wants to make a documentary about Flying Saucers rather than film their honeymoon antics (and why did the sound bother her more than the film?  Is she a howler?).  He sees this as a way to “get famous, then move right into television” where he expects to sexually harass a much hotter league of gals. [1]

Mr. Galleon enters the restaurant and the couple invites him to join them.  He has been checking the paper to see if the flying saucer was reported.  He tells Seth he admires his open mind.  Seth begins making his documentary.

He films a minister who draws a picture of the flying saucer he saw which looks nothing like the film representation.

An airline pilot convincingly shows what his UFO looked liked by demonstrating how he pointed at it.

An air traffic controller claims in his career he has seen 500 craft of a type never seen before, although most turned out to be on-time Delta arrivals.

An air force major takes a lie detector test to confirm his story of UFOs over Mt. Palomar.  Hey, maybe he knows Bob Richardson!

After a week of editing his road trip into a documentary, Seth screens it for Barbara’s father.  Dr. Arnold finds it “interesting but misleading, more opinion than fact”  and, yet, the feel-good hit of the summer.  Despite the testimony of the trained observers in the film, he convincingly suggests science-based alternate explanations for every case.

“Oh yeah,” counters Seth.  “What about the fireball that Barbara and I saw?”  Dr. Arnold says he can not only explain it, he can reproduce the phenomena.  Seth asks Mr. Galleon to join them for the demonstration, but he can’t make it.  He does however, give Seth a photo that he wishes Dr. Arnold to analyze.

Dr. Arnold’s demonstration is pretty convincing even if, in reality, it doesn’t reach swamp gas authenticity.  Seth is embarrassed that they could have been so wrong.  Dr. Arnold consoles him that even though the conclusions were entirely unsupported, it was a “magnificent” piece of reporting.”  With this on his resume, he is thus encouraged to call his old college buddy Dan Rather about how to break in to network news.

Oh by the way, Seth hands Dr. Arnold the photo that Galleon gave him.  Dr. Arnold checks it with a magnifying glass and is stunned that it is “an authentic photograph of our sun and all its surrounding planets — our solar system.”  He says the photo could only have been taken from another solar system or a spaceship.

Seth calls the hotel where Galleon was staying, but he has checked out.  He left a forwarding address to be given to Dr. Arnold.  The hotel clerk can’t pronounce it, so spells it out C-E-N-T-A-U-R-I-6.  He explains that is the 6th rock in the Alpha Centauri solar system, 4.3 light years away!

OK, it is hardly a nitpick to say a single photo that made the entire solar system visible would have to be about the size of the universe.  If it fit into the photo Dr. Galleon provided, the planets would be smaller than atoms.  It would have been much more credible for the photo to be of the entire earth which would not happen until 1967.

In some ways, this was a companion piece to last week’s Project 44.  Both played with the form a little bit by introducing documentary elements.  In both cases, it made the episodes stand-outs in the series.

This did lead me to a mistake though.  Pat O’Brien (Dr. Arnold) was so terrible that I thought they had recruited another actual scientist to play the role.  He starts out OK, even in that stilted 1950s style, but gets worse as the episode unfolds.  By the end, I was convinced he was drunk or incapacitated by stage-fright.  He had a yuge career even extending 25 more years, so I am baffled.

As always in SFT, the scientist has a smokin’ hot daughter.  Though the show is often quite progressive, she is just eye-candy this time.  Seth is believable as the rumpled reporter.

So, one of the better episodes; but that is one low-ass bar.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Note to Seth — you will never do better.
  • Title Analysis:  WTF?

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – One Grave Too Many (05/22/60)

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It’s hard to call a guy a loser when he’s married to Neile Adams.  Joe makes a pretty good case, though.  He watches TV until 2:00 am, sleeps until noon everyday, then goes to the movies after lunch.  His unemployment benefits expired because he considers himself too good for manual labor, clerical work, or sales.  Also, he’s a smoker.

While his wife Irene is chewing him out at breakfast, she notices the power has been cut off.  I thought I caught them in a continuity error with the toaster working, but they slyly manipulated the events to make sense.  I thought I busted them over the light-bulb not working, but then realized she might have a gas stove.  What I’m trying to say is this show rules!

Joe, parodoxically, tries to look at the bright side of the electricity being out.  He says, “Candles can be romantic” trying to slip in a matinee before the matinee.  Irene is not amused.  He promises to 1) get a loan, and 2) take any job the employment agency has available.

He goes to the Friendship Loan Company, which sounds like a brothel.  They somehow twist his lack of equity, assets, job, or even unemployment benefits into an excuse to deny him a loan.

On the way home, Joe sees a dapper older gentleman carrying an umbrella get off the bus.  Joe, and the audience, suspects this debonair dude is probably loaded (which is crazy, because he was riding the bus).  Before Joe really has much time to be tempted into mugging the man, the gentleman keels over with a heart attack.  Joe lifts the guy’s wallet, but despite the weather report, leaves the snazzy umbrella.

He tells Irene he met an old army buddy who repaid him a forgotten $275 loan.  Irene is thrilled and Joe suggests they be more prudent with this windfall, try to make it last, spend only on essentials, or maybe start a business.  Naw, he says they should get a steak at the most expensive joint in town.  And maybe a carton of Luckies.

Going through the man’s wallet, Joe finds a card that says:

What an awesome set-up!  Joe curses his luck and tosses the wallet away. He quickly realizes, though, that he must do something.  Having seen Breakdown on Alfred Hitchcock Presents 5 years ago, he knows how horrific this could be for the man.

Joe goes back to the corner where the man fell over.  The ambulance is just pulling away.  This was no dark alley, it was a busy street.  What took so long?  Anyway, a cop confirms that the man just hauled away was dead, ceased to be, expired and gone to . . . you know the rest.

Joe goes across the street to a phone-booth and calls Dr. Kruger.  Only able to get an answering service, Joe slams down the receiver.  He walks away, but then decides to try the police.  He tells them about the stiff just carted away, “Isn’t really dead . . . You shouldn’t bury him!  Whatever you do, don’t bury him!”  The cop suggests Joe come in to talk about it.  Knowing he would have to explain how he had this info, he hangs up.

After a fight with Irene, Joe goes to the police station.  Lt. Bates comes down to see him — hey, it’s Biff Elliot from this week’s SFT, Project 44!  After trying to convince the lieutenant the man wasn’t dead, Joe is so determined to save the man that he finally confesses to stealing his wallet.  The two men go to the morgue.  Turns out the dead man was a notorious pickpocket who had stolen that wallet containing the card.

By doing the right thing, Joe incriminated himself for no reason.  Bates puts an arm around Joe and says, “Let’s go upstairs.  We’ve got some talking to do.”  Crazy as it sounds, I think this might just be just the thing to turn Joe’s life around.  I think he and Irene will both live long healthy lives.  Only his will be in jail.

A rare AHP where no one is murdered; at least onscreen.  Strangely, no one mentions the shrunken disembodied head of Lucille Ball they have on top of the refrigerator!  Other than that oversight, a great episode.

Other Stuff:

  • AHP Deathwatch:  Neile Adams still kickin’ at 86.  Why did I even check on the actor credited as Elderly Gentleman in 1961?
  • Sir Alfred’s wraparound is uncharacteristically lame this week.  I don’t even understand the bit with the giant golf bag.  Oversized household goods iz always funny though.  Anyone?

Twilight Zone – Something in the Walls (01/28/89)

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Starting off with a great title like that, this is TZ’s to blow.

Psychologist Dr. Mallory Craig is arriving for his first day at Crest Ridge Sanitarium.  The narrator tells us, “There is a terror behind those cold institutional walls that nothing in his education has prepared him for.”  So maybe they have a Republican working there.

Nurse Becky is the underpaid woman at every company that actually runs things.  She shows him his office and hands him his mail.  Reviewing the files that afternoon, Dr. Craig asks her about only one patient, Sharon Miles (coincidentally the hottest patient in the joint).  She self-committed after constantly rearranging furniture and demanding to sleep in an all-white room (hey, maybe she’s the Republican!). [1]

She is frequently repainting her entire room whenever she sees a spot, she dresses only in solid colors, and only ventures out for meals and counseling.  Nurse Becky says she has never seen a patient so utterly terrified.  That night, Dr. Craig stops by her room.  She is sitting in a white room with one white chair and one lamp.  A non-Becky nurse brings her some fresh blankets with a pattern and she freaks out.

Why the constantly changing look?

The next day, Sharon makes a rare excursion to Dr. Craig’s office to apologize.  Before she can enter, though, he must roll up a patterned carpet and put it aside.  She explains that it wasn’t the blankets that scared her; it was the patterns.  The patterns on blankets, on walls, and on ceilings sometime form faces.  Dr. Craig explains, “That is the way the brain works; it tries to bring order out of chaos.” [2]  

She recalls lying in bed one Sunday watching shadows on the wall cast by the trees outside her window.  The shadows formed into a face which seemed to be pressing outwardly from the wall.  She is horrified, thinking it is looking right at her, but it disappears when the phone rings.  Great, but who was calling her at 3 AM?

Dr. Craig suggests maybe she just imagined it was looking at her.  Sharon compares it to crossing a street where a car is waiting for a light.  Even if she can’t clearly see the driver’s eyes, she can feel them on her ass; or something like that.  She dismisses Dr. Craig’s explanations and says, “It’s trying to kill me!”

They continue talking the next day.  She describes how she saw more faces and how they seemed to form in the patterns of ceilings, wallpaper, shadows and “the doodles of my 7 year old son.”  That’s why she stopped wearing patterns.  “That’s how they get through.”  She thinks they are whispering about her, looking in from somewhere else.

In a confusing edit, she is tossing and turning in bed.  The headboard and room are very simple.  Then we cut to her reading in a much more stylish bed and homey bedroom.  So I guess she is dreaming of herself at home in bed, just like the doctor does except not on all fours.  She turns off the light and sees shadows on the wall and hears muffled whispering.  As she approaches them, faces and heads begin stretching the wall like latex, their heads and faces protruding menacingly.  She runs to her son’s room.  He is OK, but the entities write on his wall:  TELL NO ONE.  She wakes up screaming in the sanitarium.

She immediately calls Dr. Craig and says she wants to tell him everything.  She thinks she knows what they want.  The next morning at the hospital, Becky tells him Sharon had another episode last night.  She was screaming, pounding on the door to get out.  I guess we didn’t see that one, we just saw the one in the flashback.

He runs to her room, but finds her in the hall.  She serenely says she realizes she was just being silly last night.  She says she was wrong to abandon her son and husband.  Wait, who?  She’s married?  Where was her husband during the flashback?  Did he go on a business trip and leave little Bobby with this maniac?

She congratulates Dr. Craig for this therapeutic breakthrough.  She even plans on checking out that day.  He admits being shocked, although maybe that was just the part about her having a husband.  She is even wearing a nice pleated skirt and a colorful scarf.  He suggests a session just to wrap things up, but she curtly cuts him off and says they’re done.

He stops by her room to help her pack.  In her room, he hears strange noises.  Sharon claims to hear nothing.  After he leaves, she looks at a water stain on the ceiling.  She hears voices and sees a face straining to get through.  It says, “She’s one of them!  That’s not me!”  She smiles.

This should have been a chilling resolution.  To be fair, Deborah Raffin’s (Sharon) smile at the end is perfect, and she is great throughout.  As usual, though, the score is blah and the second the narration begins, any suspense is killed.

Damir Andrei (Dr. Craig) had an interesting style.  It sometimes seemed like they were trying to light Nurse Becky as evil.  If so, it was ineffective and unnecessary.

Even with the flaws, I like that it still has me thinking after the episode is over.  Who are those people?  What will happen to Sharon in the wall?  What shenanigans will fake Sharon get into?  Will her son notice?

Other Stuff:

  • [1] It’s so easy.  No wonder everyone on TV does it.
  • [2] He is talking about pareidolia, which well-worth googling.
  • I kept calling him Dr. Craig because I was going to mock his first name.  Unless you wrote Le Morte D’Arthur, Mallory is a girl’s name.
  • Sadly, I was unable to work in this classic: