Tales from the Crypt – The Assassin (12/07/94)

Posted on February 16, 2019 by don

After a first viewing, this seemed pretty good, but not quite great. Watching it again, I am baffled by my reservation. It is simply one of the best episodes of the series. Before I watched the episode, my expectations were high:

IMDb description: A happy housewife is pitted against three CIA agents, who have come to kill her husband, a supposed rogue agent.

Wow, Die Hard in the home! Great premise. Maybe not technically “from the Crypt”, but enough over the top gore could have qualified it. I envisioned a Home Alone series of Rube Goldberg devices, brutal accidental kills, and domestic mayhem by a kill-at-home mom like Ma Peltzer in Gremlins.

Shelley Hack

Briefly a beautiful Charlie’s Angel, sexy in classic Charlie Perfume ads, and stunning in countless other productions with the word Charlie ^[1] in them. I have remembered her for 25 years as an evil submarine commander in the pilot of SeaQuest DSV. The show quickly became unwatchable for many reasons; killing her off in the pilot was one of them. She was also in The King of Comedy where she was beautiful and classy, although that might have been because every other character was repulsive. ^[3] So I was prepared to love this.

Jonathan Banks

Mike Ehrmantraut has become such an iconic grizzled character on Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul that it’s hard to believe he was ever young (or, at 46 here, younger). I looked forward to seeing him in something from 25 years ago.

William Sadler

Always solid. He has been in a ton of great movies and TV shows — a fine Outer Limits, Shawshank Redemption, etc. He was no Hans Gruber, but was a memorable villain as what’s-his-name in the underrated Die Hard 2. He was even in the very first TFTC episode, The Man Who Was Death; and he was the actor who was Death in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey.

Corey Feldman

Er, maybe not so much now, but this was 25 years ago. I was expecting the Stand by Me era, but this was 8 years later.

Chelsea Field

I think I confused her with someone else, so this one’s on me.

Janet McKay is the ideal, adoring 1950s housewife. Even better, this is 1994. She cooks a nice breakfast for her husband and gets him off; to work, I mean. She returns home from the grocery store wearing an adorable little dress and finds a less adorable woman in her kitchen. She says she is a CIA agent and tells Janet her husband was a contract killer. Qu’est-ce que c’est.

After Agent Simone knocks Shelley out, they are joined by clean-up crew Todd (the formerly adorable Corey Feldman) and William (the futurely adorable Jonathan Banks). They tell Shelley her husband was a notorious hitman and that they are here to kill him so he doesn’t embarrass the president (back when that was possible). ^[4]

When they give his name and show her a picture, though, Shelley assures them they have the wrong man. Simone roughly shakes her in a nice POV shot and shouts, “He’s changed his appearance you stupid cow! He’s changed his face, he’s changed his hair! He’s ~~a Hollywood actor!~~ a new man!” Unfortunately, the hitman went for the Hollywood trifecta ^[5] and also got his teeth fixed so was tracked through his dental records.

Todd takes Shelley downstairs to kill her. After a seduction scene with equal amounts of creepiness and humor (your wokeness may vary), Todd ends up dead thanks to Shelley’s quick thinking and a treadmill. That exercise equipment is dangerous, I tells ya.

When Todd doesn’t return, Simone goes to the basement stairs. It is a little muddled what happens next. Shelley has Todd’s gun, and the ladies fire at each other. They both miss because one of them breaks a heel. It is poorly edited, but I believe Simone was wearing the grey this evening; plus, she tumbles down the stairs. However, Shelley falls also, but maybe she was dodging a bullet. After a brief, leggy tussle, Simone grabs Todd’s gun which Shelley had dropped 1) into an open can of paint, 2) in this otherwise immaculate basement, and 3) which had been left open just long enough to congeal just enough to prop up the gun. When Shelley runs away, Simone fires with the paint can still on the muzzle. The director cuts away quickly, but we are led to believe she was killed in an explosive backfire; deadly, albeit in lovely Sherwin-Williams Rhapsody Lilac.

Shelley runs upstairs and dispatches William quickly and viciously. Just when you think she is safe, Simone reappears less dead and less lilacky than I expected.

The twist that follows is Ludacris, and maybe that’s what bothered me on the first viewing. However, in the TFTC style (the ideal, not what it sometimes lapses into), it makes complete sense. The still goofier, winking epilog even comes across as reasonable and charming (thanks to Ms. Hack).

Of course, Shelley Hack was great. I never understood why she wasn’t a bigger star. The others were also very good in their roles. That includes, to my surprise, Corey Feldman. I’m convinced he could still come back big given the chance. Unfortunately, William Sadler appeared only in the Cryptkeeper segment.

So I guess it took a second viewing to get into the spirit of the episode. Final rating: Excellent. Maybe I should Give Ray Bradbury Theater another chance.

Footnotes:

[1] Charlie? Why does a perfume have a man’s name? ^[2] OK, could be short for Charlene, but how many sexy Charlene’s have you ever known? Plus, in 1973, the Viet Nam War was still fresh in everyone’s mind — why name your product after the enemy. Just lucky it wasn’t released after VJ Day, I guess.
[2] I see on Wiki that it was named after the founder of Revlon. What kind of controlling, egomaniacal dude names a woman’s product after himself? What a douche — oh, sorry Dr. Masengill.
[3] I forgot the nice woman Rupert dragged to Jerry’s house.
[4] The president when this episode aired was Bill Clinton, so this comment is really a perennial.
[5] Boob jobs lead to a Superfecta for women. Could be even more, but who wants to deal with the bleach?

Outer Limits – The Human Operators (03/12/99)

Posted on February 15, 2019 by don

Well this is just great! I don’t say that in sarcastic exasperation, as might be expected. This was a legitimately great episode.

Man — no names in this one — is kept as a prisoner on a ship which travels endlessly through the universe. Like his father before him, he is the sole passenger and is kept alive only to perform repairs on the ship.

This is another Outer Limits episode like Trial by Fire or Quality of Mercy. It is so good I am uncomfortable mocking it. The story is great, the script is great, the performances are great, it looks great. It probably even smells good.

Just watch the damn thing.

Science Fiction Theatre – The Other Side of the Moon (01/28/56)

Posted on February 14, 2019 by don

Truman Bradley: Heat, cold, sound. These are only a very few of the problems that will confront modern man as he ventures into space.

Great news Truman, there is no sound in space! Again I have to wonder, how did anyone on the production not know this? To their credit, however, they did not once call the titular other side of the moon “the dark side.”

Professor Lawrence Kerston has invented a new kind of camera. Unfortunately, he is disturbed by the pictures he has taken, and not just the ones at the playground. He has not left the lab for 2 days, so his wife has come to nag him in the way that women inexplicably think will make a man more likely to go home to them. Lawrence says he can’t leave because he has called Dr. Schneider, and he’s coming in.

Katherine says, “Not at 3 am he isn’t!” Perfectly on cue, Schneider walks into the lab. The tall bald man is wearing an insanely well-tailored suit, a tie, and has the chipper, self-confident attitude of a casually-dressed man at an earlier hour with a full head of hair. Katherine apologizes for her husband calling him in at that hour. He says, “A man with 4 grandchildren is used to getting up at the oddest hours.” Katherine replies, “Well there are no grandchildren in sight, believe me!” That’s a nice emasculating zinger, but really makes no sense because 1) Schneider is not either of their fathers, and 2) why would his grandchildren be in the lab?

Lawrence shows Schneider the new camera he invented, and the disturbing picture he took with it. He has a photo of the moon surrounded by a mysterious corona invisible to telescopes. A spectrographic analysis identified the corona as being radioactive dust with a wedge of lime. Lawrence concludes, “Something is going on on the other side of the moon — the invisible side.”

They take Lawrence’s photo to the Dean. He is skeptical of the new camera and photos “that might throw the world into panic.” The Dean suggests a six month research project before the news of the radioactive cloud is released. Lawrence decides this is too important, and sells his findings to a magazine; then the danger is broadcast on the radio. He is fired faster than a professor refusing to call a student zher.

He lounges around home for a few days, still wearing a tie everyday. Katherine says maybe the Dean is right. “Maybe a 38 year old Associate Professor shouldn’t act as if he knows more than everyone else.” That’s the students’ jobs.

Lawrence goes to pack up his things at work. He decides to takes a few last pictures of the moon since “atmospheric conditions are ideal.” Although the atmospheric condition of actually being the daytime seems like an impediment to a non-pro photographer like me. These new photos are even more convincing and disturbing than the first set. Even Schneider agrees that streaks in the pictures are “man-made” objects. I think he just means it was fabricated, rather than occurring naturally. “Man-made” includes aliens; just not alien women. ^[1]

They call Washington and are summoned to a meeting with General Evans. The Joint Chiefs decide we must go to the moon to see who and what is up there. Seemingly overnight, a rocket is launched to the moon. In minutes, it arrives and the ship is sending back pictures. The scientists are amazed at the clarity of the pictures being transmitted. As they approach the far side of the moon, one says, “We’re half way there.” Hunh? Does he think the moon is 250,000 miles around? The ship is unmanned; there is no need for it to return. No idea.

The rocket detects intense radiation on the far side of the moon; until it is destroyed by the radiation. That’s why we can’t have radioactive things. They do get enough telemetry to see that there are mountains of toxic nuclear waste on the moon. The last photos from the rocket show a fleet of ships leaving.

Schneider believes the aliens will not attempt to communicate with us puny earthlings because “they must be highly civilized to do what they do.” Yeah, like your civilized neighbor who lets his dog shit in your yard. These aliens can go anywhere in the universe, but they choose to drop their deadly radioactive waste on the moon of the only inhabited planet within a thousand light years.

On the SFT curve, not a bad episode.

Other Stuff:

[1] SFT made exactly the same dumb comment in Postcard from Barcelona. As did I.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Schartz-Metterklume Method (06/12/60)

Posted on February 13, 2019 by don

Elderly Hermione Gingold gets off the train when she hears a local man yelling at his horse and whipping him. I don’t know if she was considered a babe in her day, but her picture at IMDb makes me start to understand how they allowed Bette Davis ^[1] in front of a camera. Ben Huggins is calling the horse an idiot and really is being brutal when Gingold demands that he stop. When he refuses, she offers to buy the horse.

He asks an outrageous price of 10 pounds because back then horses were valued based on the # of pounds of glue they could be converted into. Over the decades, the Glue-Book Value became known as the Blue Book Value due to 1934 translation error in Les Liaisons Dangereuses. Hermione writes up a bill of sale with the stipulation that the man continues to use the horse in his work, but to “keep him well-fed and not over-loaded.” The man is immediately more caring and leads the horse to a trough while he goes into the pub for a pint because you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

Hermione notices the train pulling out of the station just as Mrs. Wellington pulls up. She believes Hermione is their new governess, Miss Hope. She says the old governess didn’t work out and that they wanted someone “more up-to-date.” Although how that desire led Mrs. Wellington to hiring the ancient Hermione/Hope rather than a bonny young lass is a mystery, not least of all to Mr. Wellington.

On the way, Mrs. Wellington describes how she would like the children handled. She expects the speaking of French, teaching of history, and lots of outdoor ~~fleeing~~ playtime.

Viewers smarter than Ben Huggins’ horse will notice there is a disconnect between the two women, but it is not clear exactly why. Is Hermione just a stunningly impudent servant, or is there something more? Watching at 2 am, I didn’t figure it out, but this created a great opportunity. Once I knew the secret, rewatching this episode was even more entertaining. So many of Hermione snarky comments and gestures are perfectly played once you understand the dynamic.

There is no point in tediously recapping every point . . . you know, like usual. It is just a thoroughly entertaining episode cleverly executed. I will just note of couple of interesting casting choices.

Patricia Hitchcock makes her final AHP appearance. After a brief departure in The Cuckoo Clock, she returns to her customary role as the AHP maid, schoolmarm, spinster, or office nottie — in this case, a maid. Three months later, she would play a secretary in Psycho whose plain looks are used for a laugh . . . by her father. But really, sitting next to Janet Leigh, who wouldn’t look homely?

They also cast the Bates House from Psycho as the Wellington House.

Two of the children went on to work with the creepiest figures in science-fiction history — Veronica Cartwright with the titular Alien from Alien, and her sister Angela Cartwright with Dr. Smith in Lost in Space.

Other:

Special kudos on the final scene. The outdoor setting and use of deep focus visually set this location apart from the Wellington House. It is almost other-worldly.
[1] Ms. Davis’s URL is an impressive 0000012 at IMDb.
For more information about the episode check out bare*bones e-zine.

Twilight Zone – The Mind of Simon Foster (02/18/89)

Posted on February 12, 2019 by don

Simon Foster comes home to his apartment which seems to consist of one hallway. However, it looks futuristic and has a videophone. He has a video message from the unemployment office telling him his benefits have run out. Since the current unemployment rate is 33%, this is going to be a problem. OMG, these soviet-style hives, the enormous poverty, what century is this dystopia? Oh, 1999. C’mon, TZ, only 10 years in the future? I expect more confidence in America from Canadians.

Simon puts a few items in a box and takes it to a pawnshop. We see him walking over a bridge with a train passing underneath. Is this intended to illustrate that he must walk because he can’t afford a ticket? It is a strangely out-of-place shot since it is only 6 seconds, and the only outside shot. For some reason, it had an effect on me. Maybe because the rest of the episode is all interiors, maybe because it subtly conveyed information about the character, maybe because it explained the decision to only go 10 years ahead (no budget for a fancy 21st century train). Sometimes it is the most insignificant things that catch my eye.

Quint the pawnbroker looks through the items and offers only $50. Simon says the watch alone is worth that and haggles Quint up to $65. Quint has an idea how Simon can make more money and leads him through a door marked PRIVATE. Luckily there are no gimp shenanigans back there. Quint has an illegal memory-dipping operation. People in 1999 pay to have other people’s memories implanted in their brain.

Bravo to TZ for adding some texture to the process. Unfortunately, Control-C / Control-V memories are less vivid, washed out. To get good, sharp memories, you have to do Control-X, or even better Control-XXX. Unable to find a way to tax the process, the government has made it illegal. Simon admits he has not had an exciting life, but Quint says ordinary memories are valuable too; just mundane life events like a soap opera. Sadly he is ineligible for the really big money as he has no evil twin.

There is another nice futuristic touch when Simon goes home. He slides a card through a device to unlock his door. Nice; but even better, this alerts his landlord ^[1] to get on a speaker and threaten him with eviction if he doesn’t pay his rent. It takes so little to add a little something extra to a story, why is it so rare? The final straw is when a cockroach falls into Simon’s bowl of soup. His desperation is perfectly conveyed, and heightened due to the viewer’s visceral reaction to the bug. More congratulations to TZ for finally showing some signs of life. ^[2] I look forward to many fine episodes in the years to come. Oh, only 8 episodes left.

Simon returns to Quint’s shop. He sells the memory of his high school graduation where he received the aforementioned watch as a prize. Wow, who wrote this, a writer? Despite his regret, he returns to sell a birthday memory. Then, he sells the memory of his first steps — this guy has some memory! Then a trip to the circus, and his first date.

Now with plenty of cash, he gets a new suit and an opportunity for a new job. Unfortunately, he blows the interview because he can’t remember his skillz and experience. Then he sells his first sexual experience, although the second was probably longer and worth more. He immediately regrets this loss and demands Quint restore the memory.

The ending is a little muddied because it isn’t clear whether it is a happy or sad one. It doesn’t feel set up as a dilemma. It feels more like they couldn’t decide which way to go, so just ran it up the middle. Regardless, it is a big, clear premise, the casting is great, and there are some surprises in the script. One of their better efforts.