Outer Limits – The Shroud (04/30/99)

Posted on by
4

Mary and Joseph, er . . . Marie and Justin have not been able to make a baby, so they go to the shady Tilford Institute for help (shady = TV-speak for anything having a Christian affiliation).

They put Marie on the table and insert the embryo.  Thankfully Showtime is not playing the cable-card for this scene.  Dr. Cowlings then goes back to the lab.  She assures Reverend Tilford that the baby will be a perfect clone.  It is then revealed that it is a clone of Jesus using DNA from the Shroud of Turin.  But it doesn’t even look like the Shroud of Turin.  Is that thing copyrighted?  And how did this huckster end up with it in his church?

Tilford makes no secret of his plan.  He tells his congregation that DNA has been identified on the Shroud, although it could have been the 1st century mortician banging his assistant and needed a place to cometh.  He plans to create a clone of the Son of God.  True believers Marie and Justin are attending the service, but don’t know she is carrying the clone.  She has an attack of cramps and goes to the hospital.  While there, she sees on her chart that their baby is AB-negative which is impossible for their blood types to have produced.

Marie freaks out, and Justin admits he is not the father of the baby.  The clinic determined he was unable to father a child, so they scraped some DNA off the Shroud.  They go to see Tilford.  He tells Marie she is part of the prophecy of a second coming; third if you count the mortician.

And so on.  It is a great premise, but it seems like more could have been done with it.  Marie and Justin run from Tilford’s compound while Fetus Jesus explodes lamps and flings paper around.  Oh no, the exit door is blocked!  Whew, a sympathetic henchman appears from nowhere and pushes a button to release the mag-lock.  No top secret high-tech key-card, combination, or fingerprint recognition — he just presses a button.

Marie and Justin make it to their car, but Marie goes into labor.  Hmmm, there is no time to reach a hospital.  Where should they go?  No shit, they go to a pretty manger-ish barn.  What parents wouldn’t want their baby born in a firetrap with spiders, livestock, fecal matter, and no running water?  Doesn’t a barn suggest there is a farmhouse nearby?  Tilford turns up, but slimy baby Jesus blasts the new family out of danger and then they really take their lives in their hands by hitchhiking.  The end.

It is stated that this is not Tilford’s first attempt at cloning Jesus, but nothing is made of that.  There is an intriguing mention that this is not the Son of God but just a kid with a freak telekinetic mutation; that also  goes nowhere.  Luckily, this is the kind of cornball, on-the-nose entertainment that I like.

Samantha Mathis is always welcome.  David Ogden Stiers is great here, but was so memorable on MASH, that he comes across a little bland when he doesn’t have the Boston accent.

Other Stuff:

  • How are the User Reviews selected at IMBd?  This episode is 20 years old and has only two reviews posted.  This at a time when every dumbbell thinks his opinion matters . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4.  The Episode Rating is a not-bad 6.6/10 but the two User Reviews average 1.5/10.  The 6.6 seems about right, but if you penalize for wasted potential, that 1.5 starts to sound reasonable.
  • Oh, come on! . . . I mean, I love it! :

Science Fiction Theatre – Who is this Man? (04/20/56)

Posted on by
3

Narrator:  “In one of the rooms of a major mid-western university, Dr. Hugh Bentley, professor of experimental psychology, often held seminars where he demonstrated hypnotism by placing a student in a deep hypnotic trance.”  Hey, I think I had that guy!

Dr. Bentley and a colleague go to Lou’s Diner where they see a few of his students.  Lorraine’s brother George works at the diner, but is painfully shy.  When Biff pulls a white mouse out of his pocket and waves it at George, he runs shrieking from the room.  Lorraine asks Dr. Bentley if he can help George overcome his shyness.  She says, “He is afraid of people, animals, everything.”

Fortuitously, Professor Bentley has his weekly 4:00 to 4:10 office hours that afternoon, so he tells her to send George over.  He fills out a questionnaire for Bentley revealing he lives with his sister and father, no pets.  Bentley hypnotizes George and asks, “When is the last time you were with an animal?”  Heehee.

George unexpectedly answers, “A livery stable” where he was grooming a horse.  This was in Colorado and he was on the run after killing a man named Jim Wooster in a fight in 1887.  Bentley hands George a card and asks him to write his name on it.  Why not just ask him?  Anyway, George writes “Jack Welsh”.

Dr. Bentley confers with 2 colleagues.  Dr. Brown believes it is just the fantasy of an introvert.  The other doctor — who IMDb does not credit as a Doctor after he spent 7 years in imaginary medical school — disagrees.  He says while many kids had imaginary friends, “they didn’t write with the same hand.”  I think I know what he means, but it is a pretty poor way of saying it.

Bentley puts George under again and suggests that he remember back to 1888.  He begins describing his surroundings.  He is on a platform with lots of people around.  And, oh yeah, he has a noose around his neck and sees a couple of guys in MAGA hats.  Bentley is shocked by this execution scene even though in the previous session, George did say Jack Welsh had murdered Jim Wooster, and it was not in Chicago.  If Bentley were a competent scientist, he would have asked where Jack Welsh was in 1889.  Now that would be interesting.

Bentley decides to see if he can imprint some of Jack Wells’ traits on George.  He gives George a hypnotic suggestion that when he wakes up he will be “just as confident and just as sure of yourself as that man you wish to be, Jack Welsh.”  He could have added “but less murderry” but I guess George’s 50 minutes were about up.

He awakens and sees a white mouse in Bentley’s office.  This time he picks the little feller up and talks to him.  He is clearly more outgoing and confident; at least with rodents.  He heads over to Lou’s Diner, but not to work.  He sees Lorraine and asks her to dance.  When Biff tries to cut in, George wrestles him to the ground and begins strangling him.  I guess he does have some Jack Welsh left in him.  Then Goldie Wilson breaks a chair over his back.

Once George gets out of the hospital, Bentley gives him another hypnotic suggestion to get Jack Welsh out of his mind.  He tells a colleague that he still believes that hypno-therapy can help George.  But he says he will take it slow, like over 10 years or until George’s insurance maxes out.  Doc Brown enters and informs Bentley that he did some research at the historical society — there really was a murderer named Jack Welsh.  And his signature matches the card that George signed earlier!  Not only that, he played Johnny B. Goode at the Palace Saloon in 1885!

This is another episode that feels better in black & white.  If this were a color episode, it would just seem silly.  Charles Smith does a fine job as the blank-faced doofus George, but the doctors are stiffs.  Graded on the SFT curve, not a bad outing.

Other Stuff:

  • According to IMDb, Charles Smith played 3 different characters on The Andy Griffith Show: Counterman, Counter Man, and Counter Help.  You just don’t see that kind of range in today’s young actors.
  • According to SFT:  A History of the Television Program, Variety found the episode “pedestrian”, the vehicle (?) “static”, the performances “routine”, and the direction “uninspired”.
  • The review also used the phrase “no noose is good noose” which, frankly, makes me feel like Mark Twain.
  • Bruce Bennett (Dr. Bentley) was paid the princely sum of $1,000.  Charles Smith (George), arguably the lead, received only $100.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Hooked (09/25/60)

Posted on by
4

Handsome young stud Ray Marchand pulls up to the Bait and Tackle store in a car the size of the Nimitz.  The Bait must be of the Jail variety — out comes blonde Lolita, Nyla Foster.  Wait, unfortunately, this Lolita is 30 years old.  I mean, it’s fortunate that she isn’t 12 as in the novel, but 30 is simply too old for this role.  This might have doomed the episode in any other series because it was on my mind every second she was on the screen.  AHP’s usual excellence prevailed, though, and it was a good ride. [this is explained later]

Nyla immediately recognizes the car as belonging to Mrs. Marchand, but mistakes Ray for being her son rather than her husband.  This does not stop Ray from relentlessly flirting with her in the way that only guys with a full head of hair can get away with without getting maced.  We learn that Mrs. Marchand is loaded and Ray married her for the money.

Before Ray makes much progress, a small fishing boat motors up.  Nyla’s father and Mrs. Marchand climb onto the dock.

Wow, he wasn’t kidding — she is rich; like MacKenzie Bezos rich.  She must be.  Why else would he be with her?  I don’t think even Oprah rich would have been enough.  Not only is she 27 years older than him, she is dumpy with a porcine face.  She is even 15 years older than Nyla’s father.

This is not helped when she says to Ray, “Give momma a kiss.”  When he is reluctant, she knows that he has been flirting with Nyla.  They clearly have an “understanding”.  Mrs. Marchand knows Ray cheats on her, and he stays with her for the money.  I must say, though, this relationship is still less creepy than the one William Shatner had with his mother in Mother, May I Go Out to Swim?.

The next day, Ray goes to the lakefront cafe which, like all great cafes, seems to be in the Bait Shop.  He ogles Nyla’s behind from behind as she unpacks some bottles, which is how Fatty Arbuckle’s troubles began.  He wants to take her out on the lake, but she says her father would never allow her to go out alone with a man.  Again, coming from a 30 year old woman, this just feels off.  She does tell him that her father goes into town for supplies every Monday (hint, hint).

They go down the the lakeshore and start smooching, but Nyla gets the willies — the dry kind — and bolts.  A week later, Ray finally tracks her down at one of the only two spots she ever goes to.  She is tanning at the same secluded shore.  It is disappointing to see that she  smokes; and wears a top.  Ray asks why she has been avoiding him.  She says, “I told you last week, I can’t see you anymore.”  She says it with such a deep voice, though, that I again questioned the casting; or it might have been the smoking.

Nyla will not go all the way without a ring on her finger.  However, Ray can’t divorce Gladys without her cutting off his cash.  Hmmmm, how would AHP solve such a problem?  Especially since Gladys has been spending a lot of time on the lake and can’t swim despite being her own personal flotation device.  Seems like there must be some solution.  I wonder . . .

Gladys always goes on her fishing trips with Nyla’s father, though.  Ray suggests, for a change, he will take Gladys out on the lake.  Gladys is happy for his change of heart to accompany her in the boat, just the two of them.  Although, she should have been suspicious when his fingers smelled fishy before the trip.

The denouement is so great that I had to use a french word to describe it.

Mea Culpa: I first watched the episode on dailymotion, which has some problems.  The speed is often too slow and must be cranked to 1.25X.  An additional problem there is that the aspect ratio is wrong, so the picture was widened.  This added about 20 pounds to Nyla, making her look much older; although not so much of an issue when she stood in profile (heyyooo!).  The DVD (source of the pictures) solved part of the age issue.  But still, they had a 30 year old actress playing a college student.  If filmed today, she would be playing the mother.

That said, the lovely Anne Francis was great, as she always is.  Gladys was, appropriately, hammy.  Director Norman Lloyd displayed some uncharacteristically showy camerwork, to great effect.  The outdoor locations and Robert Horton as the smarmy Ray also added to this being a great episode.

Other Stuff:

  • AHP Deathwatch: All cast members have passed away.  Maybe if they had gotten a younger actress to play Nyla . . .
  • Director Norman Lloyd — the most talented guy in Hollywood that no one ever heard of — still with us at 104 years old.  Has anyone knocked on his door lately?
  • Title Analysis:  Unexceptional fishing reference for most of the episode, then zowie!
  • This was Robert Horton’s 7th AHP Appearance.  Anne Francis was seen in Jesse-Belle and the original version of The After Hours.
  • Love these 28-day months!

Twilight Zone – Many, Many Monkeys (03/18/89)

Posted on by
1

Jean Reed comes into the emergency room, asking to see a doctor.  In the time it takes for Dr. Peterson to show up, she goes completely blind which sounds typical.  He removes her dark glasses and sees a white film over her eyes like giant cataracts or Act III of a scene on Pornhub.

After nurse Claire Hendricks turns away an old couple for having no insurance, she is told Mrs. Reed is asking for her.  She goes to the room and says, “You wanted to see me, Mrs. Reed?” which you should never say to a blind person.  Mrs. Reed says she thinks the two of them are alike, but does not elaborate.

The next day, Claire is calling about a phone bill that is $50 higher than expected.  Dr. Peterson interrupts and says Jean Reed’s husband has come in, and he is blind also.  He doesn’t care that his wife is there, though, because she abandoned him when he went blind.

A nurse tells her she needs to go to the ER.  She finds a dozen people have come in with a similar sudden onset of blindness, although that also might be due to Pornhub.  The head of the hospital says he has never seen anything like this.  Hundreds of people in every major city are suddenly going blind.

The next day, Mrs. Reed tells Claire the others call her a “dedicated woman” because of how hard she works.  She again says the two of them are alike.  “I know what is happening, I know how it’s happening and I know why it’s happening.” She says we are like monkeys.  “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.  We turn a blind eye to the pain around us.”  Although I’ve always heard that once you can no longer see evil, your ability to hear evil is enhanced.

A research group learns that just before the first case, there was an explosion at a top-secret biological research lab in Alaska.  Certain unstable forms of bacteria were released into the atmosphere.  As the doctor is reading the report to the group, he goes blind.

After the meeting, Peterson finds Claire curled up in her office crying.  Her marriage is breaking up, she has become callous toward patients, she has cut herself off from the world to avoid the pain.  She has come to agree with Mrs. Reed that the blindness epidemic is a punishment.  Then she goes blind.

This episode was a breakthrough for me as it really made me realize how easy it is it make a snap judgment, or offer a knee-jerk criticism.  The first time I watched this episode, I thought it was a bit of a mess.  The blindness was was caused by a physical layer of skin over the eye, yet it seemed to occur within seconds. The explosion in Alaska just seemed to muddle things.

Watching it again a few weeks later, I realized my error.  The episode is not about the blindness epidemic; it is about Claire.  The concept might have a few issues, and be too reminiscent of the hokey (but well intentioned) I am the Night — Color me Black.  But use that just as a backdrop for Claire’s self-examination, and suddenly the  episode becomes a pretty nice little character study.

The ending, which I will not spoil, and the adorable as hell Karen Valentine make this one of the better episodes of this TZ run.

Tales from the Crypt – In the Groove (12/21/94)

Posted on by
2

The episode was the director’s only credit.  It was co-written by a guy with only one other credit.  It starred an actress with only 4 other TV credits that did not star her boyfriend.  And it was about an occupation which never translates well to the screen — radio [1]

It never had a chance, did it?  Well, yes it actually did.  The cast was rounded out by Wendie Malick and Miguel Ferrer who have both done a lot of fine work.  Unfortunately, both are stuck in roles that they are completely unsuited for.

Zapruder shot of the spittle. That is one magic loogie.

The episode begins like every TV show set in a radio station — in the dark [1].  Gary Grover is doing his radio show which is unbelievable in every way.  He is methodically narrating himself undressing a woman.  We get a close-up profile of his lips as he describes removing her shoes, her stockings, her underwear.  We are also treated to a couple of shots of spit flying out as he talks, for no reason.

The first question is, why is it dark at 8:57 in the morning?  The second is, WTF would listen to this awful show at 8:57 in the morning?  This isn’t like Howard Stern having fun interviewing porn-stars.  This is a humorless, sexual, role-playing show airing in the drive-time slot.  Is it him doing the role-playing every day?

Gary gets mad at his guest who is 1) inexplicably in the studio rather than on the phone, and 2) is a dumpy, middle aged woman totally misrepresented in the cut-away shots from Gary’s flapping lips. [2]  We learn that the 9 am on-air personality gets ten times Gary’s radio ratings, which is understandable until you see that it is Slash from Guns N’ Roses.

Gary’s sister Rita is the station manager which makes the lurid sexual nature of his show even creepier.  She is unable to fire him, so puts him on the graveyard shift and makes him take on a co-host.  He is not interested in working with her even after seeing she is a prim, hot blonde.  His new intro is:

Welcome to Grover’s Graveyard.  The show that gets you up from six feet under.

What does that even mean?  Co-host Valerie was hired at the same time as the slot change to improve the ratings.  She gets no mention in the new intro?  OK, I guess Graveyard is a reference to the time-slot.  But “six feet under” is clearly a graveyard reference, and his show has nothing to do with horror or the macabre.

Gary lethargically begins his dreadful show the same way he has always begun his sexual exploits — both on the radio and, I imagine, off — solo.  He lifelessly croaks, “Oh, you are so hot.  Can I take your shoe off?”  Do all of his monologues begin with shoes?  I can’t adequately express how truly awful Grover’s Graveyard is.  As he begins on the leg, Valerie jumps in.  Just as Rita expected, she immediately breathes life into the show,  Who would have thought sexy-talk would be better from a hot, young blonde than from an angry middle-aged bald guy?  Even Gary is energized.

Inexplicably, the next scenes have Valerie doing nothing but feeding Gary a few lines via keyboard.  After her great sexy, on-air debut she says nothing.  The script is baffling.  Gary isn’t holding her back; he is excited about the show again and sponsors are flooding back.  But she is just typing.

We do see her importance when she stops feeding him lines; he is an imbecile.  She wants the show to talk about things over than sex.  As he struggles for a topic, she suggests asking people what makes them angry.  She leads him on by typing AUTHORITY FIGURES, then MOTHER.

Gary begins ranting about his dead mother’s will.  “Did she leave me her Chicago station?  No.  Her Minneapolis station?  No.”  He says his mother only left him half of the small Lancaster station because she “wanted to keep me under her thumb even from beyond the grave”.  Or, more likely, because she didn’t want this talentless boob to bankrupt a station in a major market.  And if she hated him so much, why is his sister working in the same station?  Gary tears his mother’s watchful portrait off the wall, which was long overdue given the sexual nature of his show.

After he rants at length about his dead mother and hopes she’s in hell, Rita — apparently management also works the midnight to 6 shift — approaches the window.  She gives the finger across the throat signal.  Mom also had it in her will that no one could defame her on the air.  Rita can’t fire Gary, but does take him off the air.  This leads to a twist in the last 2 minutes that is silly, but welcome.

This is a rare TFTC with no supernatural element and thus no reason for being.  Gary and his show are so repulsive that you hate them far more than dramatically necessary.  Wendie Malick is fine, but a TFTC episode should have used her comedic chops.  The whole episode is just dreary.

Other Stuff:

  • [1] Except NewsRadio and WKRP.
  • [2] Oh, you say the sexy body in the cutaways represents the radio listeners’ imagination?  Were they also rapturously imagining Gary’s big ol’ spittle-flicking lips?
  • Title Analysis:  In the Groove would only make sense if they played music on the station; and were 60 years old.