This is one of those episodes that makes me wonder how much TV from 50 years ago reflected reality and how much was a whitewashing — literally and figuratively — of the world.
It is 5 days until Camp Lakeside opens and the owner Mr. Stern is working his staff like a slavedriver except they are white, getting paid, not being beaten, and allowed to read and marry. When ceramics teacher Bernie Samuelson shows up, it is clear they are old friends.
Stern points out Lefty James down by the lake painting the diving platform. In a bizarre scene, Stern loudly yells to Lefty, “SAY HELLO TO TO BERNIE SAMUELSON . . . SAM–UEL–SON . . . CER–AM–ICS!” The freakishly buff Lefty is holding a can of paint in one hand and waves with the other still holding a paintbrush. Stern admiringly says Lefty was once in a Tarzan movie and they watch as he does a swan dive into the lake. Why the long-distance introduction? Why the over-enunciated yelling? Why the, frankly, homo-erotic shot of Lefty? Why the sudden dive when he was painting one second before? Did he seal the can? Did he wash the brushes? Did he eat in the last 30 minutes?
Stern says he knows Bernie’s background as a sculptor and “I think you will agree that ceramics have taken a large step forward here at Camp Lakeside.” Stern’s goal is for the kids to produce something to show the parents.
On Bernie’s first day with the kids — and WTF was he doing for the interim 5 days? — his bunch of young boys are not paying attention as he demonstrates a pottery wheel. In another sign of how times have changed, it seems a little creepy that 1) he is 10 years older than you expect in a camp counselor, 2) he puts hands on their shoulders as he steers each to his chair, and 3) he explains that camp policy is for the boys to call him Uncle Bernie. There is no hint of anything amiss. As I said, just a sad sign of our cynical times.
On the boys’ first day, they mold clay into such challenging shapes as a snake, a pancake, an ashtray, and a fabulous sculpture of a man, made by the titular Aaron Gold. Over the next few days, Aaron skips some of the other camp activities to seriously work on his sculpture. Bernie is impressed with Aaron’s attitude and skill, although the figure is still deficient in arms to the tune of one.
Stern is not seeing the value in Aaron’s sculpture. He says by Parent’s Day, Bernie and Aaron better have something to show and it better have an even number of arms. Aaron says his father will not care if he only has one sculpture as long as it is beautiful. And it will take as long as it takes.
That night, Stern comes by to inspect the ceramics projects. Half of them seem to be ashtrays. What did campers make when people stopped smoking? Maybe that’s why there aren’t many camps any more. Then maybe that lack of socialization, outdoor activities and discipline led to the disgraceful millennial generation. I might pick up a carton of Luckys tonight just to get the US back on track.
Stern is critical of Aaron. He has only an unfinished sculpture to show for Parent’s Day. He did not earn the Intermediate Dolphin Swimming Badge, the Woodcraft Badge or a Softball Stripe. Since Aaron’s father owns a chain of grocery stores, Stern wants to keep him happy. He orders Bernie to put an arm on Aaron’s sculpture.
The next morning, Aaron is crushed to see that Bernie has added an arm holding a sword to the figure. It is obvious why when his father shows up and HE IS AN MONSTER!!! At least, that’s how it feels. Mr. Gold arrives at the Ceramics Tent and the camera zooms in on the right sleeve of his jacket which is neatly folded, pinned to his shoulder and empty as a Bill & Hillary 2020 Speaking Tour. Not only does the camera zoom in, but the shot freezes, and the orchestra swells. Buster Bluth was treated with more respect.
Barry Gordon, who was so good in The Day of the Bullet, turns in another fantastic performance as Aaron. He carved out a too-brief, two-episode AHP niche as the bestest, most loving son a father could ever have. In his previous appearance, his father let him down and he was crushed. Even though this episode ended abruptly, it was clear that their beautiful father-son bond would survive this awkwardness. I could imagine his old man graciously accepting Bernie’s apology, loving the sculpture, grabbing a burger at the cookout, tossing some horseshoes, and rowing round and round in circles on the lake.
Other Stuff:
- Based on a short story by Philip “yes, that Philip Roth” Roth. That stunned me even more than the famous John Cheever episode of Mama’s Family.
- Bernie was played by big-shot director Sydney Pollack who directed some great films, some good films, and Out of Africa.
- In an episode where the twist is a man with one arm, they have a 2-armed character named Lefty? That’s just cruel.
According to the introduction — and why else would I pay for a bunch of 80 year old public domain stories — this is “the most atypical story one could imagine in the pages of a pulp: a little old lady takes a hard-boiled detective and leads him around by the nose.” Well, the age and the body part are different, I’ll give’m that.
Lovely blonde Willa Sandleton is taking a shower when her husband enters the bathroom. He asks his nekkid wife to not throw towels on the floor, and where do they keep the antacid. From the looks of things, he’s seems to conveniently have a roll of Tums in his pocket right now. [1]
Unfortunately, Luden tells her the board decided to forego her more — er, controversial — work as well in favor of a graffiti artist. BTW, preceding this was a bizarre scene of Willa appearing on a talk show. On one hand, it was blatantly and jarringly shoe-horned in only to set up the name of the graffiti artist. On the other hand, it was a shockingly tight little scene. Graffiti guy has his moment and shows off his art, the host gives Willa about 15 seconds and hilariously does not show hers, this universe can apparently sustain a TV show about art running against The View, and the host is fabulously clueless and cruel about the mentally challenged artists in the next segment. This could have been a big nothing that just set up the other artist’s name as a joke. It gives me hope for TV that someone actually put some effort into this little scene.
Willa tells Luden that if the board won’t use her design then she wants a divorce. Her delivery is so over the top that I’m not sure if she is a terrible actress, or is one of the few that actually understands TFTC. They have built up some good will, so I say Bravo! to her. Her divorce case gets off to a rocky start as Luden has pictures of her fooling around with another man.
I feel compelled to offer a spoiler warning even though this next bit is not a major twist or unexpected plot point. Willa picks up a DermaSmooth soap on a rope, spins it so fast it whistles, and clocks Luden right in the face with this massive brick of soap. Then again and again. It is fast, brutal and awesome.
Somehow Dregosian Ambassador Prosser and his sidekick survived the crash of their ship and force their way into the facility. The frightening Prosser has yellow-green snake-like eyes set in hellish red sockets. But mostly he is terrifying because he is played by Michael Ironside. He tells Woods that after 5 generations of oppression, the Dregs are fighting back. Engineered by humans to serve their needs, they work under a sun so bright that they need yellow eyes to reflect its rays, and a third lung to tolerate the thin atmosphere. Prosser says they are through working in the mines! Wait, then why is the bright sun a problem if they work in mines?