The Depraved (2011)

Posted on by
Reply

cover01Also known by the better, but oddly singular title Urban Explorer; on the other hand, The Depraved sounds oddly plural even though it’s really only one depraved guy.  The victims are mostly normal people that you don’t hate immediately — a rarity which earns this film an extra star immediately.

We start off with a few quick shots of Berlin that don’t really establish anything other than the location, and are strangely framed.  We see the Fernsehturm Berlin, the Brandenburg Gate, and one shot of some random graffiti (with a branch in the foreground that is, as an artistic choice, roughly equivalent to a boom mike in the frame).  We meet the first two explorers in a cafe with some really bizarre dialog:

Marie: Are you sending a love message to your boyfriend?  Juna (smiling):  My boyfriend?  He committed suicide.  Marie (concerned):  Suicide?  Juna:  I hope so!

Juna notices that Marie has a camera to document the night’s adventure.  To the relief of most viewers, it is not a hand-held video camera.  To the relief of Nikon, it is a Canon.  Juna grabs a waiter, plants one on him, and suggests that Marie take a photo to send to her boyfriend.  OK, you do kind of hate Juna immediately.

Next we meet Denis and Lucia sitting on top of an abandoned car, waiting for the others to join them.  Lucia is shocked, shocked that Denis did not tell her the other two were women.  Finally, their guide Dante arrives.  He leads them through a club to the portals of the underground.

selfie01For dubious reasons, everyone is going by a nickname.  Luckily the characters are few and distinct enough that it is easy to keep track of 1) real name, 2) nickname, and 3) nationality (as they are all from different places).  But having the Asian girl not be the one nicknamed Haiku is just tricky.

Dante is going to lead them to the Fahrerbunker where Hitler’s chauffeurs hung out.  He promises lots of interesting artifacts, wall-drawings and graffiti.  The government has sealed it off because they don’t want Neo-Nazis enshrining it.

There is a dust-up with a couple of musclekopfs that really amounts to nothing.  It does at least emphasize that there will be dangers other than rats, bats, eels and crumbing infrastructure.  Not sure how bats are getting into this sealed catacomb, but it was nice to see them.

During a rest break, Dante tells them about the Reichflugscheibe which is supposedly a spacecraft built by the Nazis.  Experiments were conducted on the crew.  They eventually went mad and turned on the doctors.  And some say they still roam these tunnels to this day . . . BWAH-HA-HA!!!  Dante actually seems to believe this as a reason for the extensive tunnel system.  It’s a German-thing, he explains.

naziart01After viewing the Nazi art collection & gift shop, they start back.  Dante is the last one across a thin metal beam crossing a chasm, looking like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade.  Fortunately, the Grail Knight did not pop a flash in Indy’s face causing him to fall to certain death (although, he would have earned a place in heaven for sparing us Indy IV).  Sadly, Marie goes full-paparazzi, sending Dante south to the next level of Hell.

Marie and Juna go to get help as Lucia and Denis try to help Dante.  This where the fun would start in most movies, after slogging through 40 minutes of set-up.  But kudos here for making it so interesting up to this point with great atmospherics, a couple of chills and Nazi UFOs.

A new character drops in — literally — rappelling into the pit (because apparently everyone but me can rappel like Reinhold Meisner).  Naturally, he throws a scare into Denis & Lucia; when it appears to be Ron Perlman, he throws a scare into the audience.  This does not portend good things, but luckily it turns out to be Klaus Stiglmeier (who we hope is not known as the German Ron Perlman).

armin01Not-Ron-Perlman turns in a great creepy performance, capped by a stint as the least believable conductor in history.

The rest of the film plays out with twists, chases, suspense — everything you could hope for.  By now, it is almost impossible to come up with anything new.  It is enough to just just tell your story in the best way possible.  The Depraved pretty much pulls this off.  Recommended, just be prepared for Martyrs-like gore.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • There are several DVD covers online under the original title, but only one has the plural.
  • Fernsehturm Berlin sounds impressive until you realize it is basically a TV antenna.  It ain’t the Burj Khalifa.
  • China, ahead of us again — now building new abandoned cities.
  • Ron Perlman seems like a good guy, but man, he is a bad movie barometer of Chevy Chasian proportions.
  • I had bookmarked a lot urban archaeology sites & posts over the years, and mostly never returned to them.  Ironically, I now find there is a large number of abandoned sites of the web-variety also . . .  fantasticdegradation.com, abandonedbutnotforgotten.com, historicdecay.com, and others.  RIP, see you soon!

Dead in 3 Days (2006)

Posted on by
Reply

cover01My goal is to post every day for 30 days.  But, like the Constitution, this ain’t a suicide pact.

This will be brief because I really lost interest early on and it never grabbed me again.  In fact, I’m writing the Ray Bradbury post while this is on.  I’ll just skip everything and move straight to the . . .

Post-Post Leftovers:

I must not have read any reviews before I put this in the queue because they were pretty bad.  Maybe I was reeled in based on the unique, one-of-a-kind cover.

 

cover04acover03acover02a

 

 

 

 

 

cover05acover08a

 

 

 

 

 

Screenwriting 101:  Really?  The Haas house?  Even worse, in the original German, it is the Haas Haus.Capturea

This should be the show.

 

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Fruit at the Bottom of the Bowl (S2E1)

Posted on by

bradbury02A Ray Bradbury twin-spin!

A few months ago I picked up the entire series of Ray Bradbury Theater on DVD for under 10 bucks.  The price should have been warning enough, but I did have dim memories of enjoying a few of them way back when.  Last year, I bailed after the first season, but have decided to soldier on to see if I was too hasty.

As luck would have it, the first episode I watched is based on a short story that appears in Bradbury Stories: 100 of His Most Celebrated Tales, which I recently downloaded to my Kindle.   So finally, I can brush off my mad compare & contrast skillz from freshman English.

No, seriously . . .

And I got an A every quarter . . .

Do I have to get my transcripts?

No one is going to watch this episode and recommend the series to their friends.  The synthy 80’s score is off-putting, and the whole thing looks like it was filmed through gauze of the same thread-count they use to film Barbara Walters (although that could just be the lousy DVD transfer of this dirt-cheap set).  However, in the context of an anthology series, and given when it was made, it interested me enough to at least try another episode.

ironside01The first surprise was Michael Ironside.  He has made a nice career out of playing tough guys, always in control.  This is the first time I remember seeing him in panic mode, sweating profusely, and always a step behind.  He completely pulls it off, having an anxiety attack that lasts most of the whole episode. He is assisted by some good make-up, costuming, and fish-eye shots, but major kudos to him for playing so believably against type.

His adversary is Robert Vaughn, who I don’t see much anymore.  I can only assume Superman III killed his career.  Geez, Christopher Reeve, Richard Pryor, Margot Kidder — and people think Poltergeist was cursed.  Jackie Cooper is gone too, but at 88, he had a pretty good run.

Vaughn is a publisher who has rejected Ironside’s work.  He is, however, very accepting of Ironside’s girlfriend Mary.  Through a series of flashbacks that make LOST look like a linear narrative, we follow Ironside as he attempts to remove his fingerprints after killing Vaughn.

As he descends into madness, the fingerprints begin appearing everywhere, taunting him like a visual Tell-Tale Heart. As he frantically cleans his fingerprints, both real and imagined, he realizes that Vaughn had been leading him on, luring him into touching object after object from a cocktail glass to pre-Columbian art.

Finally, after a night of frantic cleaning that would give Felix Unger the willies, that would sent the CSI crew to the nut-hut, that would have him polish more knobs than Jenna Jameson, the police arrive.  They lead him out in handcuffs which, come to think of it, would not have been possible for him at the end of Total Recall.

I’m not sure I follow the ending.  A neighbor, who is also Vaughn’s doctor, who happens to be at the crime scene, who conveniently forgets about doctor-patient confidentiality, spills the garbanzos that Vaughn only had less than a month to live due to cancer.  In fact, he says Ironside probably did Vaughn a favor.

OK, so Vaughn goaded Ironside into killing him and also made sure that plenty of evidence was left to incriminate him.  But to what end?  No mention is made of insurance.  And how does the mere presence of fingerprints incriminate Ironside?  And why set him up anyway?

The short story is a little different.  Very minor point, the girlfriend’s name is Lily, which is a better name than Mary (sorry, Mom).  And there is no mention of any terminal disease.  If the cancer twist had been worked into the show more elegantly, it might have worked.  As is, the short story was probably better off without it.

Post-Post Leftovers:

jenna01a

 

I saw Jenna Jameson on an episode of Family Guy this morning, so she was fresh in my mind.

Yeah, that’s where I know her from.

 

 

Shiver (2012)

Posted on by
Reply

I can’t remember where I saw an article recently that bemoaned the use of irrelevant nouns in the naming of characters and movies.  For example, why is it called The Sopranos?  At least if Tony were a stoolie, you could make a “singing” connection.  Or Salt with Angelina Jolie – what up? In this case, we don’t even get a character named Shiver, although that would be pretty strange in itself.  I could maybe give partial credit if the main weapon used were a shiv.  But no.  There seems to be no relevance to the title at all.  Maybe that’s kind of appropriate for a lackluster movie like this. kathy01For reasons that are never clear, the film starts 12 years in the past.  A man in a beat-up Mercedes pulls into Cadillac Jack’s. Inside, he awkwardly asks out a waitress that is 12 parsecs (and 12 years) out of his league. Strangely, he asks her out to “that Jack NIcholson movie that’s up for all the Oscars.”  The timing would indicate About Schmidt which was up for 2 Oscars, but why not say that? He hangs out in the parking lot for another 7 hours until closing time, and luckily it is her night to lock up.  Yada yada, she is beat to death, cut to present. As cute as the waitress was, Danielle Harris is the draw here — all 4’11” of her.  Her day is off to a swell start with a nagging call from Mom (Valerie Harper).  A couple of nag-a-palooza scenes are really the only reason Valerie Harper is here.  This will be very disappointing to people who remember her from the Mary Tyler Moore show – where she was at least as hot as the star, but supposed to be repulsive.  Here, she simply is repulsive, phoning it in — literally — she has no scenes with a live human.

Nice cutting!

Nice cutting!

Meanwhile, the killer — The Gryphon — is back at work.  Or has he been doing this for 12 years?  I guess you have to read the novel to know. Casper Van Dien is adequate as the lead detective, but the shock was seeing Rae Dawn Chong as his partner.  Where has she been for the last 25 years?  And why does she still have the same hairstyle as she did in Commando?  Could have been worse — at least it has been washed since Quest for Fire. The rest of the movie is fairly hum-drum.  There is a lot going on, but the direction, score and cinematography drag it down.  The main actors do their best, especially Danielle Harris and John Jarrett as The Gryphon – they really are worth the price of admission, but the filmmakers let them down.  Danielle is in and out of of Gryphon’s clutches like Kim Bauer on a bad season of 24.  Really, it had a lot of potential.  But, drearily on and on it goes, until it ends about like you would expect.  Except for a completely unnecessary dream sequence.  Which maybe is what you would expect.

Post-Post Leftovers:

I could have included a picture of Danielle Harris, but I saw her once at Texas Frightmare – the pics just don’t do her justice.

Shiver was based on a novel by Brian Harper.  I thought maybe that accounted for Valerie Harper’s presence, however could find no connection.  But I ain’t no Casper Van Dien.

neck02Say what you will, this man can flat-out saw off a head.  If only he had used his power for
good.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents – The Belfry (S1E33)

Posted on by

A number of books and a couple of movies have made the assertion that Alfred Hitchcock had — shall we say — issues in dealing with women.  There is enough smoke to suspect a genuine fire of some sort.

pat01Some of that weirdness seemed to fester in his own family.  Hitchcock had a daughter Pat that appeared in several of his films and TV episodes.  She is not particularly attractive, certainly not anything like the cool blonde type that Hitchcock like to cast.  What is strange, is that he seems to go out of his way to point that out.

Here she is cast as a school marm (in the pre Hot for Teacher days).  Earlier in the season, she had played a maid, and then a woman traveling with her mother.  In his movie Stage Fright, he has her playing a character named Chubby.  Worst of all, he just uses her looks for a joke in Psycho.  After a client has been flirting with the uber-hot Janet Leigh, Pat says, “He was flirting with you.  He must have seen my wedding ring.”  I’ve seen Psycho a couple of times with crowds and it gets a good laugh. Maybe that’s the reason Psycho was her final big-screen appearance for Sir Alfred.

After the one-room schoolhouse lets out, teacher Ellie gets a visit from Clint.  He is too old to be a student and it is soon obvious that he is a little slow.  He invites Ellie to see the house he is building for them.  She reminds him that she is engaged to marry Walt, who just happens to walk around the corner at that very second.

In his brief screen time, Walt seems to be an OK guy.  The actor is none too bright, though, as he seems to think Ellie’s name is Ella.  Really, her father’s name is the title of the show; you couldn’t put a little effort into your 4-line part?  IMDb says the actor was born in Lynchburg, TN.  Home of Jack Daniels.  Just sayin’.

Clint is none too happy at this turn of events.  He and Walt have words; but no big ones. He tries to take the ring from Ellie, and Walt admirably comes to her defense.  Clint gives him a hatchet to the chest right in front of the school.  Clearly he was not aware this was a hatchet-free zone (no thanks to the NHA).

Clint has been carrying this hatchet for the entire episode.  Including in the schoolhouse when he asked Ellie if she was alone — some sort of bell should have gone off.  Luckily, this schoolhouse doubles as the town bell tower, so there was one available.

Clint goes on the lam, hiding out in the woods.  Being no steam-engine scientist, he figures this will blow over in a couple of days.  After eluding the search party which was so close that their lanterns illuminated his face, he returns to the scene of the crime. Literally, right back to the schoolhouse where he climbs into the belfry.

He spends the rest of the episode in the cramped belfry except for a brief trip downstairs into the classroom where he cryptically writes “Lee git you to” on the board.  The next 15 minutes are a series of near-discoveries, the bell CLANGING just inches from Clint’s noggin, and him eavesdropping on conversations below.

kid02I do appreciate that a couple of times when kids are attempting to retrieve a softball, they are shown climbing up onto the roof.  It appears to be the actual child actors.  Like the young smokers in The Incredible Melting Man, it just shows how far we’ve come as a society.  Or the growing power of the Midget Stuntman Union Local #302.

The next day, Clint hears a funeral service for Walt below, as the schoolhouse apparently also serves as a church.  No wonder Clint was so proud of the house he was building, it will apparently be only the second structure in town.

The ending is completely botched.  One of the search party, for no reason, goes to the schoolhouse and rings the bell, startling Clint.  He yelps, giving himself away.  A better ending would have been to give Walt the bell version of a 21-gun salute at his funeral service.  The constant CLANGING would have driven Clint mad.  In a way, it would have been Walt himself bringing him to justice.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • “Our father which art in heaven . . . ” ?
  • I was sure posse member Elmer was played by Newt Kiley from Green Acres, but no.
  • OK, after reviewing, we see a book signed by Ella Marsh, so maybe Walt wasn’t Jack’d (as in Daniel’d) up after all.
  • C’mon, with that giant hole the the bell rope goes through, no one thought the baseball might have dropped to the ground floor?
  •  Where else has a bell tower figure prominently in a Hitchcock joint?  Vertigo!  Surely this episode and drawing were Easter Eggs, a callback to that film.  Oh, wait — Vertigo would not be released for another 2 years — never mind.  Orrrr,  maybe it gave Hitchcock the inspiration – yeah, I’m going with that.belltower01